Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend finds me unattractive

Hello. I am a 22 year old female dating a 24 year old male. We have been dating for 9 months, 4 of which were long distance. My boyfriend never seems to want to have sex with me and I feel very unattractive. I tried to talk to him a couple months ago about how I feel and during the conversation he told me he has been more attracted to other girls, has wanted sex more often in the past, likes short/tiny/blonde girls, (I'm 5'9/slim/brunette) and even told me I need to lose some weight. Well, this of course hurt my feelings but I let it go. Now a couple months has passed and he still never initiates sex and will only agree to have sex with me about twice a week... even after making him feel guilty. I have tried being less attainable in hopes of him then wanting me but it didn't work. I tried lingerie... didn't work. I slimmed down/toned my body... didn't work. I don't know what to do now. I dated a lot of people prior to him and practically had to beat guys off with a stick in the past. My boyfriend treats me better than anyone else I have ever been with in all other respects. He wants to get engaged in a couple months and talks about having kids with me/ moving with me. As far as sex goes, he says he just has a low sex drive and that his relationship with me is one of respect, friendship, and compatibility. He says that the girls he had more frequent sex with were not as intelligent, loving, or compatible as me- it was just a physical attachment. I love him and want to stay with him for the long haul but I am afraid that I will always feel unattractive and unwanted and I don't know if I want to have a marriage like that. Maybe my problem is that I am still young and have not had enough sex in the past (I was a virgin until I was 20) and though I am still very into sex, he is simply over it by now. I know beauty fades and we have all the characteristics that would make a strong, healthy marriage (with the exception of this problem). Is it wrong of me to want him to find me as physically attractive as the other girls he's been with? Should I stick around or move on? Please help!

Why are you with someone who talks to you like that?

Check out these posts of mine please. You need to take charge of your own life.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...ing-57499.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...ing-57462.html

Personal Growth board. Look for Bluerose posts.

If you see all of this good in yourself, you should privelage a man who would appreciate EVERYTHING about you a HECK of a lot more, dear. I promise, there is life after jerk.

Ridicule is not a hint to a healthy marriage in the future, it is a hefty warning sign in the present.

Before I go through the post after reading it once the first question that came to my mind to ask you was, “Is he gay?’

That’s not sarcasm or a joke. That’s a real question. Many gay men get in relationships with women to “fit in” or not to be questioned all the time about being gay. Does he have any gay friends?

If he has not, has he seen a doctor? He might have a medical condition and might be too scared to confront it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

Hello. I am a 22 year old female dating a 24 year old male. We have been dating for 9 months, 4 of which were long distance.

So for 4 months he had a long distance girlfriend that he didn’t have to have sex with. To me that fits my theory (and it is only a theory) that he might be gay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

My boyfriend never seems to want to have sex with me and I feel very unattractive. I tried to talk to him a couple months ago about how I feel and during the course of the conversation he told me he has been more attracted to other girls, has wanted sex more often in the past, likes short/tiny/blonde girls, (I'm 5'9/slim/brunette) and even told me I need to lose some weight.

Okay the guy is an moron. First thing, the only time a guy should ever tell a woman when to lose weight is if it’s for a medical reason. If she’s 400 lbs over weight then yeah the guy had better step in and say something. But if he’s saying it because you don’t meet his expectations than he needs to go find someone else that does.

I like long haired blondes with too, but if Angelina Jolie wants to date me I’m not turning her down. We all have preferences or things we like about every person but you don’t get to pick someone and then start telling them to wear contacts instead of glasses, wearing bulking clothing instead of tight or in your case lose weight. I know you like him but if you boy doesn’t know that at 24 maybe you should drop him and go after a man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

Well, this of course hurt my feelings but I let it go. Now a couple months has passed and he still never initiates sex and will only agree to have sex with me about twice a week... even after making him feel guilty. I have tried being less attainable in hopes of him then wanting me but it didnt work. I tried lingerie... didnt work.

Again this is all why I said he might be gay. Ninety five percent of men would love it if women did this stuff. The other 5% are gay. If he’s not responding to this then there is a reason beyond your looks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

I slimmed down/toned my body... didnt work.

Argh!! This drives me nuts. Hollywood has been putting out this image over the last couple years of ultra thin, walking corpse bodies. I can’t stand it. It looks so disgusting and I’ve had this conversation with other guys and everyone I’ve talked to agreed we’d rather date women 100 lbs overweight that a woman that is 20 lbs underweight. It’s disgusting to look at and it’s not healthy. You have but one body for life and you should take care of it. But you should because you want to not because some guy claims he doesn’t like how you look.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

I dont know what to do now. I dated a lot of people prior to him and practically had to beat guys off with a stick in the past.

Yeah, if a woman does all the things your doing then it usually is hard to get them away from you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

My boyfriend treats me better than anyone else I have ever been with in all other respects. He wants to get engaged in a couple months and talks about having kids with me/ moving with me.

All things gay men do and say that get married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

As far as sex goes, he says he just has a low sex drive and that his relationship with me is one of respect, friendship, and compatability.

If that’s true, and it might very well be, then he needs to see a doctor because at 24 he shouldn’t have a low sex drive. He might have a low testosterone level. But I doubt it because…..

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

He says that the girls he had more frequent sex with were not as intelligent, loving, or compatible as me- it was just a physical attachment.

But see that proves he doesn’t have a low sex drive. He’s had sex, or at least he says he’s had sex with other women more frequently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

I love him and want to stay with him for the long haul but I am afraid that I will always feel unattractive and unwanted and I don't know if I want to have a marriage like that.

Well you can’t. Marriage is a sexual relationship. You can’t have a marriage without a sexual life.

That being said you both should not even be thinking about marriage after 9 months, only 5 of which you’ve been near each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

Maybe my problem is that I am still young and have not had enough sex in the past (I was a virgin until I was 20) and though I am still very into sex, he is simply over it by now.

Granted men slow down as the year progress but he’s not over it because he thinks you unattractive. There is something else at play. But let’s assume he’s telling the truth, why stay with you? Just because you’re a nice girl? He can find other nice girls so why you? Is it because you will put up with this and others won’t?

Quote:

Originally Posted by unwanted04

I know beauty fades and we have all the characteristics that would make a strong, healthy marriage (with the exception of this problem). Is it wrong of me to want him to find me as physically attractive as the other girls he's been with? Should I stick around or move on? Please help!

Well I think you should move on. He’s hiding something from you. Because he’s had sex more frequently with other women. It might be a medical condition and if it is you should encourage him to see a doctor.

But take away the sex problem and he’s still controlling if he’s telling you to lose weight to meet his demands. You should want to exercise because it’s fun and lose weight if you want to. You should not be losing weight to make yourself look better in his eyes.

If your guy is not sexually attracted to you now... tell me why you would think that would change when you get married. Marriage is not a magic potion that changes everything. He is trying to convince himself of something by marrying you despite his inner feelings. When someone's actions and words conflict always trust what they do. It is easy to say the words but it is much more difficult to follow up when one is not being true to themselves or another. Believe that you are worthy and stop being afraid... your self esteem if not yet shattered will be once you enter this marriage. Remember that these are his issues and not yours. Love yourself enough to know that you will have someone else who will appreciate you for just being you.

Why be with a man who makes you wonder about yourself? You need to break off all contact before he brings you even further down. He is not healthy for you and has you on some type of guilt trip, not good. You need to love you self before you can love someone else. He is not that some one else.

You're with this guy WHY??

End this CRAP today. Send him to the street.

Look up jerk in the dictionary - his picture is there.

Find a REAL MAN!! One that knows you're beautiful and a great gal.

Please - this guy will only bring you down - what a loser!!

I'm feeling the same way. My fiancé and I have been having sex less and less often over the past couple of months. He looks at pornography, and I think that he wants me to be like those women (I'm a kind of heavy but still sexy girl). I think he wants me to be the perfect image of female beauty that I can't be.

You are not alone! Hang in there, girl!

Well first of all I would like to thank you all for your thoughtful advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to send me your thoughts. I think I have "fixed" the situation. I always attributed his low libido to him not finding me attractive and thought of it as my problem. After hearing from all of you, I realized it was his problem, not mine. So I researched low libido in men and found out that some of the top reasons for this are stress, lack of sleep, and anxiety. My boyfriend is studying mechanical engineering, in the air force ROTC, and holding a part time job, as well as trying to spend time with me. I basically sat him down and told him (politely) that I think he might have a low libido and it might be caused by stress and lack of sleep. I then asked him to think about quitting his job since he doesn't need the money and he has more than enough on his plate. Though obviously slightly embarrassed, he admitted that he has always had a low libido but just didn't want to tell me. Apparently when he was having more sex in the past it was because the girlfriend was basically forcing herself on him... which he resented her for and doesn't want that to happen with me. He also said that though he engages in premarital sex he does not completely agree with it (he is Catholic) and in some odd way feels that by having less premarital sex he will be less in the wrong. I don't fully understand his logic but if it is a religious concern then I completely respect that. Since this talk a couple days ago, our sexual relationship has been 200% better and I finally feel that we are on the same page. He has also agreed that quitting his job would help him de-stress, allow him to spend more time with me, and hopefully help with his low libido. All in all, I am happy that I think I have finally figured him out, though I do wish he would have just told me all this months ago. I guess he was just too embarrassed.

Honestly if the guy makes you feel like then you need to end it. Anyone who really loves you would say things that are obviously going to hurt your feelings. My advice- find someone who worships you and the ground you walk on, that can't get enough sex and is attracted to you... screw that guy.

Sounds like you also making gexcuses for him.

The thing I REALLY don't like is you tried to change for HIM!! Not healthy at all.

Somethng is just NOT right here.

It sounds like in your last post your tmaking stuff up to protect him -not sure why.

It shouldn't be this difficult at all.

Yes FIND someoen who loves you for who you are - I don't think this will lget better.

Quit making gexcuses for him.

AND I don't think it's low libido.

Hope we can get an update in the near future. Then I would feel that the last answer was not just to end this conversation, because they had enough advice.

Here's my theory. I just googled a similar question and came upon yours, so I joined this thing... I'm going through the same thing as you. Except it has progressed even further. At the moment I am 21 and he is 23, we have been together for over 2 years and share a 5 month old daughter. Everything in your question is what I have been asking too. My "fiance" tells me that he isn't with me because of how I look but because of how I am, my personality and... get this... my cooking. Go figure. He is very, very attractive and many of his past girlfriends were as well. I wondered too if he was sick of sex and I was just starting to get in the grove. I have talked to one of his previous girlfriends well, I actually befriended her. So we got on the subjects of our boyfriends, sex, and the usual girl stuff.. . But according to her he was crazy in the sack, for lack of a better term. You posted this some time ago now, so you're probably not even with this guy.
I am just so amazed that there is actually someone out there that has gone through the same thing as me.
The emotional part of my relationship is very hard. We get along great, he's my best friend, we talk about everything and our relationship is very open. But because he has admitted that he would be all over me, and I'm talking 2 times a day, if I were a sweet 120lbs... yeah, it does a lot to myself esteem, as if it wasn't bad enough. Before getting pregnant I was 168lbs, now I'm a whoppin 194!! Whoa! Hey? Yeah. It's tearing me up inside. But I love him, and I know he loves me. Therefore I will get through this and stay positive. I hope that is what you did too. I think that keeping positive is the key really. I would totally love to know what happened with you and your situation. Could help me out a lot.

Thanks,
Mel
: )