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-   -   How do I get my ex back? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=577281)

  • May 20, 2011, 03:45 AM
    VintageHeart93
    How do I get my ex back?
    I'm 18, and me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. He broke up with me 3 days after my birthday and a day after my party. He said that he didn't want a relationship right now and that he doesn't want to be tied down in college and that he doesn't have a car to see me in college (4 hours apart) and I'm going to Utah to see my cousins for a while. As I cried I asked him if he'll come back to me, he says he doesn't know. I asked if he wanted a break, he says it's not a relationship. When I said I understood, he left me at the park crying in the dirt.

    For the next few days we don't contact each other. I wanted to talk to him so bad but friends told us to leave each other alone. He told my friend he didn't miss me an he doubts we're getting back together. Then one day, he talked to me. He said the same thing again and that he loves me as a friend. I told him that I missed him and that what he did hurt, especially the fact that he didn't talk to me about how he felt. He said he wasn't happy. He was basically carrying on the relationship for a month unhappy and it made me cry more. I told him he was taking away my favorite things in life and that or hurt. That's when he started crying. As he cried he said that he misses everything about me and my kisses and hugs but it's not fair to me because he's the one that broke up with me. He cried 3 times and apologized to me over and over again. He then asked for a hug. I gave him one and he pulled me into his lap and hugged me tightly. He said that he lied and still loved as strong as before. Then I asked again if he'll come back, he said I don't know anymore. From there he talked about messing around with other people and college and stuff. We started saying stuff like "would it be wrong of me to...?" stuff like come over again, kiss, hug.. etc (yes, not today ( then changed to all good things come to an end), yes). Then he said he can see me as his best friend because he trusts me more than anyone. With that we hugged again. We old each other there's no one else like each othe and that we loved each other still. We talked for 3 hours.

    Yesterday he offered a ride to take me home and to school. I said no to school, butt yes to home. When he took me home I told him I was confused about yesterday and then he said he didn't think it was a good idea because of that. I asked him if I brought drama onto his life, he said yes and everyone does that. He then said he doesn't think he should talk to me and I said the same. He said he really really wants me to be happy. I left that car crying as he called out my name. Afterwards I called him and told him I was sorry for what I did. He said okay and that he didn't feel like talking. I called again 10 min later saying that I want to try being friends and that I'm sorry again. It made him happier and he then he said he'd like that but we agreed to not talk to each othe for a while. We left telling each other I love you. Before I went to sleep, I text him saying I was sorry again and after that I won't talk to him anymore. When I woke up, I he text back saying, "dont feel bad I think you did the right thing" and lastly before he went to sleep he text "good night :)" like he use to before the breakup.

    What's going on with him? Will he come back? I'm trying to occupy myself as much as I can and gain my independence back. He's my first love. What do you think?

    * EDIT: He told me at the park he didn't want anymore drama and he wants to be free. He told me when we talked he likes being single an alone. At some point in the relationship I was clingy and then I stopped. He says e still thinks about me all the time.
  • May 20, 2011, 04:34 AM
    amicon

    It seems he's made his mind up-though he still has feelings for you,he doesn't want a relationship with you.

    Hard as it may be,you should go no contact with him;read more about that in the stickies at the top of the relationship page;this is for you to heal from the break up- not to get him back.

    Find things to do that keep you busy,and contented-one day at the time,and you'll get over this.
  • May 20, 2011, 04:51 AM
    VintageHeart93

    He's not confused about what he wants?
  • May 20, 2011, 05:06 AM
    amicon

    ''He likes being single and alone''.

    ''He doesn't want a relationship right now and he doesn't want to be tied down in college''.

    Where is the confusion?

    I think you let go of the false hope-sooner rather than later.
  • May 20, 2011, 05:48 AM
    Terry MJ Carter

    Seems like you guys have much things to sort out, especially him.

    Quote:

    Originally Posted by VintageHeart93 View Post
    He said that he didn't want a relationship right now and that he doesn't want to be tied down in college and that he doesn't have a car to see me in college.

    This looks crystal clear, he doesn't want a relationship, for me he like feels like forced to find a mean of transport to see you down in college. He kind of wants a white card in your relationship. Excuse me if I'm being harsh what he kind of wants what, he wants you to be "friends who f*** ?".

    And upon reviewing what you wrote, I really can't find any strong reason why you're apologizing to him again? Apologizing for what? For leaving you crying at the park in the dirt ?

    You said it yourself.You know what you must have been feeling when you wrote those words. Try listening to your mind not your heart, just for a one time and you'll find your answers.

    I'm not really taking sides but he's the one who needs to feels guilty and apologize. You don't leave someone who say you love crying at the park, turning to back to her and just go! If that was supposed to be a way to make you take a step back from your friendship or relationship,then that was absolutely a bad idea or worst.

    JUST DON'T APOLOGIZE EVER AGAIN, this makes you the guilty party which you're not.

    He wants to be free, it's like you've got the key of the cage he's being held in. Set him free..

    Quote:

    Originally Posted by VintageHeart93 View Post
    I'm trying to occupy myself as much as I can and gain my independence back. He's my first love.

    It's hard to let go, I totally understand but it's not like every relationship should work. There are always ups and downs, people start giving second thoughts about if they should still be in a relationship with their mate or not and many other facts that we sometimes find it hard to accept when we see a gap forming, we just don't forfeit easily to life. And that's the turning point.

    People often "go after" something they can't have (anymore) because it feels appealing and challenging !

    We make our lives more miserable than we think it is and it's not. We're just seeing life from another perspective.

    Stay "sharp" on your moves if you really want him back; concentrate on your studies even though he'll be in your mind. Meet your old friends that you pretty much left during your relationship time. Don't sit idle, always find something to do. Music, writing or reading, do whatever will help you to keep him out of your mind even if it's for only some hours or minutes. Go NC.

    And, it's your tears that make you weaker and weaker. Trust me on this one.
  • May 20, 2011, 09:45 AM
    talaniman

    What's so unusual about moving from high school teen, to adult college guy? That's normal, and a challenge to explore a new world.

    You both cried and said good bye, and after the emotional storm has passed, you will be as free to explore your world as he is.

    Break ups suck, especially the first one because it's a new experience. But ALL mine have sucked since the first one. You learn how to cope, and you will, but for now it just SUCKS!!

    But it gets better after a proper healing, and you are ready to see other options and opportunities in front of you to explore. Yes that's always the good news after a break up, the freedom to explore.

    In time you will see that, but for a while, it will SUCK!!
  • May 20, 2011, 12:40 PM
    mmresd
    "What's going on with him?"

    He is done with you, regardless of why (although it is pretty clear he wants to mess around with other girls and not hurt you in the process) he has broken up with you, you need to respect his decision and start healing from this relationship.

    "Will he come back?"

    Who knows? But why would you want a guy that left you to go bone other girls back into your life.

    "I'm trying to occupy myself as much as I can and gain my independence back. He's my first love. What do you think?"

    I think that No Contact is appropriate for you to heal from this relationship, the line "He's my first love." should say "he is ONLY my first love" because a person has several of them, the first one hurts a lot because you have not experienced it before, but everyone gets over it, but you will have several more, some hurting A LOT more too. I also think that you should gain your independence back and concentrate in improving yourself rather than wasting tears on a guy who clearly does not want to be with you.

    Good Luck,
    Javi
  • May 20, 2011, 10:18 PM
    VintageHeart93

    Okay, so today when I decided to move on (last day of school for seniors), he called my friend to talk to me. So, I talked to him... je wanted to get back together with me. I haven't said anything yet. =|
  • May 20, 2011, 10:41 PM
    talaniman

    It's a long summer for newly broken up couples. Especially the ones not going anywhere until the fall.

    I think before you get your hopes up, or get sucked into anything. You better think long and hard about doing anything when your heart is broken. Why go through this again in July, or August when he will really be leaving? It will suck worse the second time around.

    Just food for thought.
  • May 21, 2011, 05:28 AM
    Cat1864

    When are you supposed to go to Utah and how long are you going to be there?

    As has been said, break ups are very rarely easy. Even in the worst of relationships there are feelings that run deep and do not disappear just because the relationship ends. Those feelings and memories of the good moments cloud the mind whisper little platitudes like 'if we just talk everything will go back to the way it was,' 'he/she didn't mean what they said,' 'it will all be okay if X comes back to me,' etc. Unfortunately, most of the time if the people do talk, they don't or can't work out the issues that caused the break up.

    What realistically will change if you talk to him and get back together? Will you still be going to Utah? Will you still be going to college four hours away from where he will be? Will he magically get a car? Will he decide that freedom to party and play the field doesn't appeal to him?

    You are both at point in your lives where the future looks scary and exciting at the same time. So many big changes and breaking up is one more. You want to hold on to the one thing that you thought was going to be a stable foundation, but it turns out that it isn't.

    You can choose to talk to him and maybe keep things going for a little while longer or you can choose to go to Utah as a free woman and enjoy meeting new guys and broadening your horizons.

    If you choose to hold on, then it will probably be for a matter of weeks until the reality of distance and restrictions cause another break up.

    What ever choice you make, please, take care of yourself and good luck.
  • May 21, 2011, 05:41 AM
    VintageHeart93

    My uncle thinks he has a job for me in Utah and I've never been there before. So I took it as an opportunity to explore an finally have money before going to college and when I came back. I was going to leave around the 2nd week of June and come back the 2nd week of July maybe, it just all depends on if I get the job or not. As far as getting back together, I'm absolutely stooped. I want to but I don't want to get hurt again. I've asked how do I know you won't do it again he said "Idk, but I don't want it to happen again" and that's when he continued to apologize and ask for a date and such. Plus, I know that my friends will be iffy/mad about it. One of them told me not to and to wait and see of he'll stick around after Utah. Though I know that if do back to him, and he does do it again I'll have my guard up and a be a litle more prepaired (I hope that'd not wrong of me to say).


    Their saying Utah is a test for college.
  • May 21, 2011, 09:47 AM
    talaniman

    You have been coasting along under care and responsibility of your parents, and now you are in transition of young adult hood where your actions and decisions are YOUR responsibility. As you explore this new phase of your life, don't let old feelings stop you from moving forward.

    He dumped you, in preparation for what he sees in his future, and apparently he still wants to hang around until he takes that step ahead for himself.

    Do your stepping for your own future now, go for it, and don't look back. Sure old feelings will linger, they always do, until we accept them, deal with them, recover, and start anew, in the direction we want. Not easy, but part of building a life that we enjoy, and finding what makes us happy with ourselves.

    Don't stop your own progress fooling with someone who is worried about their own. You will have great memories of good days and times, but that's a long way off. Handle your personal business for now, because no one else will, if you don't!

    He sure won't, because he wants to have fun, and enjoy his maybe last free time before he starts on his journey, without you. That's why he dumped you.
  • Jul 22, 2011, 10:11 PM
    VintageHeart93
    Long Distance Relationships: College?
    Hello, a couple of months ago I came on here asking for advice about how to get back with my wishy washy boyfriend after he left me after my birthday, 2 weeks before graduation because he wanted to be free and wanted the college life,etc,etc.

    Editors note-The threads have ben merged into one to keep the entire story in one place/T

    Anyway, he asked me back after 5 days. I thought long and hard about it, and he told me that he was extremely sorry. I thought long and hard about it, and I made the decision to get back with him even though we're separating by the end of the summer. It's almost the end of July and I leave for college on August 7. The past few months we've been together has been really really great. While I was in Utah, I had fun. Though, the first week was bumpy, after it while me being halfway across the US made us miss each other more. We're a lot better.

    Me and him are going to colleges 4 hours apart from each other. I've talked to him about it plenty of times. His words are: "There's nothing we can do right now because we're not apart yet. The more you think about it, the more time will pass.The best we can do is to focus on school and when the matters arise we'll worry about them then. We'll live".

    I trust him. I've already planned to send him goody-bags, and we'll email each other, and skype, etc and he's told me he has to free visitor passes...

    What do you think? Am I counting my eggs too soon before they've even hatched?
  • Jul 23, 2011, 09:08 AM
    tickle

    Hi vintage, I think you two will do just great the way you are and the way you will be from the time being. When you both go your separate ways, take one day at a time. He is correct, sounds mature, when he says just concentrate on school.

    You are worrying too much about what will happen down the road; but you will be only four hours apart. That is not an unsurmountable distance.

    Tick
  • Jul 23, 2011, 01:30 PM
    talaniman

    Yes you are counting your eggs before they hatch, its normal with young couples. Especially those that have no prior experience to fall back on. Everything you do is a challenge to you, him, and the relationship. See it as the test that it is, a learning, growing process for you both. One day at a time, and just keep it real since you both have decided to keep trying.

    Win or lose, that's all you can do. There are no guarantees as to how well, or how long you can work together.

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