Ask Me Help Desk - Dominating Husband

Dominating Husband

Hi,

I'm 24 and my husband is 29. I have been married for almost 2 years which would be in this Aug. It was a arrange *** love marriage but didn’t have feelings for him to loveee him completely from day I got married. It easily got developed as the day passed.

Initially I had issues with my in laws on something about home, and my husband use to support me as he use to see that I use to all of things what they expect and then things were becoming better and then again some issue use to come up. So, me and mother in law stopped talking, talks we had were only work related, if she wanted to go out or anything of that sort.

During these fights, I use to tell him that lets get seprated because I cannot stay in a stressful life of coming back from work and listen to all this, he was very adoment of not moving out and use to tell him that I will leave you and go because I couldn’t take it. It was veryyy stressful for me I use to get sick too often.

And this topic use to come and go. Out of the blue, he has started taking control over me (commanding me) which I am not liking it, he is not letting meet my friends, go out with them on weekends to have my own time, he doesn’t let me were dresses saying his parents doesn’t like it, and these all things were never a issue previously.

I tried to work out things from last 5 months by l listening to him, no meeting or talking to my friends He just keep saying listen to me and things will work out otherwise please pack your bags and leave as I don’t want to stay with such person. He doesn’t let me go out anywhere without him. He doesn’t doubt on me but he doesn’t want to sort it out my talking. Wheneva I try, he raises his voice or walks off .

I am very fun loving person, I like to meet people, enjoy going out with friends but I'm not allowed to do all that. But now, I am always depressed and sad and smoke a lot more than before. I have lost my smile, I have lost myself in this relation.

I don’t know what do I do? We are in 21st Century but still girls are treated lik **** by their own husband/partner. Aren’t they suppose to be equal because we are working, educated and responsible as men are? Then why do they behave like a jack***.

Shall I give up or keep compromising without any expectations in this relation because I am not going to get what I want, even if it’s a small desire I am not suppose to let it out.

I think that his old traditional ways are in conflict to your more modern, non traditional ones, and unless you can communicate to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both, then this is a disaster. You both must adjust to each other.

If you cannot be the docile wife he expects, then you have a choice to make. He has already said if its not his way, then you leave.

In the 21st century why are females still treated like $hit? Because you are allowing him to. You need to tell him to respect your wishes as you are 50% of the relationship. Otherwise, tell him that you will be the one leaving.

Good luck,
Javi

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.
I have sat with him loads and loads of time to sort out the issue the thing lands up listening to him or argument. I agree it's a disaster for me every single day when I am back home.

I agree I did mistakes in this relation in the start but that neva came up to these kind of things.

I have no problem compromising and listening to him. In return when I ask him that you also have to listen to me. He barge off and say, you have all the restriction but no restriction on me. I can do what I want to but you have no say in this relation.

Im not married for long but I'm sure marriage doesn't work this way rite? One partner compromise everything just to satisfy the other and in return you don't get appreciated/respected or loved for whom you doing all this.

*** help

If he cannot be a good husband to you, how can you be a good wife? Then what is the point of this marriage and why are you still there??

HI,

I am still here because I am still trying to compromise and understand the reason of this behaviour but it seems he doesn't want to answer me for anything as I have no say in this relation.

I go in depression every single day thinking what have I done that my partner has to behave this way with me.

Maybe That's just the way he was raised to be, so how long do you give and get nothing but more depression?

Ask your husband, and tell him to help you fix it or you must leave.

It doesn't sound like he's willing to talk or compromise. If you've tried and he just walks away, then it's time for you to make a decision.

Can you continue living like this? Can you accept the way he treats you? If not, then you have only one other option, and that's to leave.

Maybe a trial separation will make him realize that he's being a jerk. Maybe once he realizes that you're serious, he'll actually listen.

If not, then you two divorce.

I can't live this way and that's y I'm here to know that is it only me who going through this or everyone.
I pray no one goes through this as its bad bad bad.

It occurs to me that you have no older female to guide you in the ways of marriage and men. An older female you trust. Is this so?

My mum, my sis and mother in law.. all of them...
Listen to what he says... but I have no problem in compromising but its a burden that compromise my wishes desire and he lives and control me, my feelings, happiness, thoughts?

I don't think you can live in both worlds under the circumstances you are in.

It seems that the old world dictates that the husband's first loyalty is to his mother, and family, and all of their expectations of you, are expected to be met.

When you have so much pressure on you to conform, with the continuous threat of the end of your marriage if you don't, I have to ask you- what do you see as a solution.

You know what to expect if you stay, and I doubt that you can change a thousand years of tradition. If you go, you gain your freedom. It is up to you whether the price is worth paying.

While it may be a 'love' marriage, as opposed to an arranged marriage, the fact is, both families allowed it to happen. That does not change what is expected of you after marriage, obviously.

You do have choices, but in the context of your restrictive circumstances, I doubt that compromise with your husband and his family is possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aamour106

my mum, my sis and mother in law.. all of them...
listen to what he says... but i have no problem in compromising but its just a burden that compromise my wishes desire and he lives and control me, my feelings, happiness, thoughts?

Seems the females around you don't agree with YOU! That makes it hard, but know one thing, its you that live with this fellow. Not them. Its you who put up with his ways. Not them.

If you cannot communicate, something that may take years of work to accomplish, you will not survive, and thrive. I am a guy, but well know the creative talents of the female mind to influence the male. At least western women. They have a talent for making us men think we are in total charge, but they call the shots!

If you see yourself as equal, then you have to ACT equal. That means taking total control, and RESPONSIBILITY, for YOUR actions, and choices, and whatever consequences those actions and choices bring. Then at least you will stop blaming him for YOUR unhappiness, and frustrations.

No more, "I try but he........." excuses. You seem to think you will change him, and that's impossible, so think of ways to change yourself, that makes YOU happy. What's he going to do about it? Send you home and divorce you?

That's HIS choice to make.

Hi,

The circumstances are bad because he is stubborn, as of today he needs the following
1. Lissten to what I say everything I say
2. You are not allowed to go anywhere without me
3. you have no say in this relation until unless asked
4. I am not answerable to you whateva I do

I am OK with all the 3 but last, that's really unacceptable for me

Quote:

Originally Posted by aamour106

hi,

the circumstances are bad because he is stubborn, as of today he needs the following
1. Lissten to what i say everything i say
2. You are not allowed to go anywhere without me
3. you have no say in this relation until unless asked
4. i am not answerable to you whateva i do

i am ok with all the 3 but last, thats really unacceptable for me

You still don't seem to understand. You have power over your own life, no one else does. If you're not happy with the circumstances then you have to change them. You have options.

We can't change him for you. You can't change him for you. You can only change you and how you react or what you accept.

Can't you just burn the toast, or not cook for a week to make your point? Something creative that gets his attention, and let him know you are not happy.

You want someone to listen? Get their undivided attention.

I did all>>but he is so stick to his decision and doesn't want to compromise at all..
Don't know what to do and I am really unable to adjust

Quote:

Originally Posted by aamour106

i did all>>but he is so stick to his decision and doesnt wanna compromise at all..
dont know what to do and i am really unable to adjust

If you can't adjust then you leave. If he won't compromise, you go. That's your only option.

Moving out/separation would be a better option?

You have to do something, or else stay and no changes happen right?

Do nothing, and nothing changes. But consuder, he may not want you back. Can you handle that?