Recently my girlfriend and I separated. We dated for about a year and a half. This whole time we have lived an hour and a half away from each other but made attempts to go and see each other every weekend.

Things began to get difficult at school as I'm graduating soon and she just got promoted at work which means she works all the time now. It was getting difficult to see each other but we still did it. Because I've become so focused on finishing school I began to text/call her less, I never meant to though. She began to do things to impress me and to keep me around but after awhile she stopped and asked why she was doing all of these things if it appeared as though I didn't care anymore. I've always told her how I felt about her, I love her.

So now we're separate and looking into what went wrong. We still talk on a daily basis and even call each other almost every day. We've been separated for almost a month, but it doesn't feel like we're single at all. We still do everything we did when we were together, we just see each other a lot less. When we're together it shows we still love each other but it's almost like she's fighting it; she says she's afraid if we get back together so soon she'll get hurt again.

Today I told her maybe we need a complete break from each other. No more texting/calling for a while until we can really figure things out for ourselves. She agreed.

I'm curious how this situation usually plays out? Even yesterday we told each other "I love you" and both meant it. How do I go about this break so that we can figure things out and someday hopefully get back together?

There is no usually. A break turns into a break up, or you both miss each other enough to get together and work out a resolution.

Depends on how long a while is. Depends on what you do with your time away, it all could go either way. I don't know the length your agreement goes for, but I do know people don't wait in limbo forever.

I am just curious why you never solved the communications thing which would have at least helped with the time, and distance. Maybe you were not ready for the obstacles that face a relationship, and that's okay, or maybe the goals of the relationship were not very well defined.

Distance relationship are hard, where there are no goals, or communications to resolve things and set some goals. Or maybe this is the defining moment in the relationship, and will tell you if this will work or not.

USUALLY, couples grow together, or grow apart. Or waste time figuring it out.

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Things began to get difficult at school as I'm graduating soon and she just got promoted at work which means she works all the time now. It was getting difficult to see each other but we still did it. Because I've become so focused on finishing school I began to text/call her less, I never meant to though. She began to do things to impress me and to keep me around but after awhile she stopped and asked why she was doing all of these things if it appeared as though I didn't care anymore. I've always told her how I felt about her, I love her.

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You said the words, but didn't do the actions. Seems you are the one with decisions to make, and for sure DOING nothing but being confused, yields nothing but confusion. You are the weal link in this relationship, confused partners always are. Always, not usually.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no usually. A break turns into a break up, or you both miss each other enough to get together and work out a resolution.

Depends on how long a while is. Depends on what you do with your time away, it all could go either way. I don't know the length your agreement goes for, but I do know people don't wait in limbo forever.

I am just curious why you never solved the communications thing which would have at least helped with the time, and distance. Maybe you were not ready for the obstacles that face a relationship, and thats okay, or maybe the goals of the relationship were not very well defined.

Distance relationship are hard, where there are no goals, or communications to resolve things and set some goals. Or maybe this is the defining moment in the relationship, and will tell you if this will work or not.

USUALLY, couples grow together, or grow apart. or waste time figuring it out.



You said the words, but didn't do the actions. Seems you are the one with decisions to make, and for sure DOING nothing but being confused, yields nothing but confusion. You are the weal link in this relationship, confused partners always are. Always, not usually.

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Part of the reason I communicated with her less is because she moved into a new place with her friends (fresh out of her moms place). She was also living with guy friends too. Because of this I began to feel replaced because her guy friends were supporting her emotionally too now. I also didn't want to disturb her friend time, especially because she gave me mine.

Also, I showed that I loved her much more often than I said it. It was just during the last couple months my actions started drifting. There were times I would drive the 2 hours home at 1am because something happened with her family that made her upset. Then I would get up at 7am to drive back so I could make it to class. I did this multiple times. She never had to ask me to do these things either.

She just came over and we discussed things for about 2 hours. The love is still there. She's upset that she spent so much time trying to impress me when it wasn't needed. I told her if I knew she was "putting on show" I would have told her to stop because I didn't care about those things. I too tried to impress her like this as well. Tonight during our talk we laid it all out. We told each other that we didn't fall in love with each other for all of those stupid things. She wants time to forget the hate she felt for me because she felt that I needed her to change. I really don't know why she felt this way as I never told her to change anything. When we first started dating she did admit to having extremely low self-esteem, maybe that's why? I told her what I saw of us and she agreed, it's just not our time now. She's not interested in dating anyone new. And we have multiple plans to do things in the summer we're both excited about.

Another issue we had was that she thought I was going to focus on work and forget about her if we ever got married. She pictured me ignoring her for the entire marriage. I don't know why she saw that of me. I'm passionate about marketing (field of study) but I would never ignore my loved ones for it. I also explained this to her tonight.

Thank you for the additional information. Seems she is the confused one, maybe because she needs so much reassurance. But talking things out is a good thing. Whether you like the ways she tries to impress you or not, be aware she is asking for more attention from you.

Keep talking. Don't be confused. Never assume the needs of your partner, just ask if you don't know. And pay attention.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thank you for the additional information. Seems she is the confused one, maybe because she needs so much reassurance. But talking things out is a good thing. Whether you like the ways she tries to impress you or not, be aware she is asking for more attention from you.

Keep talking. Don't be confused. Never assume the needs of your partner, just ask if you don't know. And pay attention.

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Thank you for the advice! This helps me quite a bit.

It can go either way, there is no telling. But if you do get back together, for a long distance relationship to work you need to set a date of when the time apart will end, an specific date, if it doesn't turn out is fine but at least some blue print as how things will end up. If not, the distance seems too much, even if you do see her everyday. However, breaks can also end in a break up, so start healing just in case it ends like this. Be prepared to be single again (which you already are). Also remember that there can be love for each other without the necessity of a romantic relationship together, so don't think just because she is saying I love you that it means you two will get back together. Before you worry about this girl that seems to have lost interest in trying to work at your relationship I would recommend finishing school well since that is more beneficial in your life than dealing with a break.

Good Luck,
Javi

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Originally Posted by mmresd

It can go either way, there is no telling. But if you do get back together, for a long distance relationship to work you need to set a date of when the time apart will end, an specific date, if it doesn't turn out is fine but at least some blue print as how things will end up. If not, the distance seems too much, even if you do see her everyday. However, breaks can also end in a break up, so start healing just in case it ends like this. Be prepared to be single again (which you already are). Also remember that there can be love for each other without the necessity of a romantic relationship together, so don't think just because she is saying I love you that it means you two will get back together. Before you worry about this girl that seems to have lost interest in trying to work at your relationship I would recommend finishing school well since that is more beneficial in your life than dealing with a break.

Good Luck,
Javi

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Last night she mentioned she has wanted to get back with me and still hopes to do so in the future but right now she wants us to take a step back and look at things. She doesn't want what happened to us to happen again.

She's unsure.

Let her have the time to figure it out.

Give her space. Graduate & do your own thing. You deserve it w/o having to worry about a girl.

Sounds like both of you are transitioning & never talked about next steps.

An hour & a half might as well be a million miles if you don't talk, plan & have goals.

"Last night she mentioned she has wanted to get back with me and still hopes to do so in the future but right now she wants us to take a step back and look at things"

That statement wouldn't have me jumping up & down w/confidence...

Buck up & run your own life. Don't let her indecision get in your way.

Either lay it on the line, work at it, or split.

No in-between.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Shes unsure.

Let her have the time to figure it out.

Give her space. Graduate & do your own thing. You deserve it w/o having to worry about a girl.

Sounds like both of you are transitioning & never talked about next steps.

An hour & a half might as well be a million miles if you dont talk, plan & have goals.

"Last night she mentioned she has wanted to get back with me and still hopes to do so in the future but right now she wants us to take a step back and look at things"

That statement wouldnt have me jumping up & down w/confidence....

Buck up & run your own life. Dont let her indecision get in your way.

Either lay it on the line, work at it, or split.

No in-between.

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We split. It's not a "break", there's no grey area anymore. I'm glad we decided on something though. We both agree right now just isn't our time. Maybe some time in the future.

Well, now you know.

Its all about you now. NC, buddy.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Shes unsure.

Let her have the time to figure it out.

Give her space. Graduate & do your own thing. You deserve it w/o having to worry about a girl.

Sounds like both of you are transitioning & never talked about next steps.

An hour & a half might as well be a million miles if you dont talk, plan & have goals.

"Last night she mentioned she has wanted to get back with me and still hopes to do so in the future but right now she wants us to take a step back and look at things"

That statement wouldnt have me jumping up & down w/confidence....

Buck up & run your own life. Dont let her indecision get in your way.

Either lay it on the line, work at it, or split.

No in-between.

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Can you define goals? We both talked about when to move in together, where we would live. Some talk of marriage, etc. We used to talk on the phone for 6 hours at a time, even fall asleep on the phone together. We told each other how much we cared on a daily basis until I started getting really busy. It went from multiple 6 hour phone calls a week to maybe 1 or 2 30 min calls a week.

None of that matters now.

Its in the past. There were no goals.

The point is she doesn't want a relationship w/you in a serious way.

Some girls talk all they want, but when you started working, graduating and exhibiting something more than what she knew, then she got worried & started questioning about whether this is what she really wants.

So be it.

Like I said, its in the past. You can question how it all was, the phone calls, whatever, but it isn't going to fix it.

The next one, maybe...

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Originally Posted by vanheart

None of that matters now.

Its in the past. There were no goals.

The point is she doesnt want a relationship w/you in a serious way.

Some girls talk all they want, but when you started working, graduating and exhibiting something more than what she knew, then she got worried & started questioning about whether this is what she really wants.

So be it.

Like I said, its in the past. You can question how it all was, the phone calls, whatever, but it aint gonna fix it.

The next one, maybe...

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I've already started the NC, but what if after awhile she decides to contact me? I know I should stop and think if it's really what I want. What if I decided I want to try again? Do I just start with simple dates? Work our way back up?

NC is NC. For me, that's for good. Harsh, maybe, but the only way to go.

If she contacts you. Don't respond. You've actually disappeared. Block her. No calls, emails, FB, gossip. Nothing.

Don't worry if she's going to change her mind when SHE"S ready... Just worry about you moving ahead without her from now on.

Like she doesn't exist.

Yup.

I have to say guy, that when a partner rather take a break, than talk things through, and work on resolution, its time to let go. How do people decide to wait for a confused partner to get their head in the game? You should be doing your thing and enjoying life without her. That's what a break is about, leaving them alone and doing your own thing. And if you have nothing else to do, then it's a sign you have too much wrapped up in one person, and that's a big red flag to be addressed by you.

What if she needs more time? What if she is still confused? What makes you thing she will have her head on straight any time soon??

Since you are not talking, have your own life, and don't sweat the rest. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Personally, I don't see waiting in limbo as being a fair thing to ask, or a good option. She snoozed, she loses.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I have to say guy, that when a partner rather take a break, than talk things thru, and work on resolution, its time to let go. How do people decide to wait for a confused partner to get their head in the game?? You should be doing your thing and enjoying life without her. Thats what a break is about, leaving them alone and doing your own thing. And if you have nothing else to do, then its a sign you have to much wrapped up in one person, and thats a big red flag to be addressed by you.

What if she needs more time? What if she is still confused? What makes you thing she will have her head on straight any time soon???

Since you are not talking, have your own life, and don't sweat the rest. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Personally, I don't see waiting in limbo as being a fair thing to ask, or a good option. She snoozed, she loses.

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I agree completely. I'm doing the NC, working on school and a major business project. At this time I still don't have much time for a relationship anyway. She was just a really great girl. I could still see myself settling down with her but not now. It's time to be single now.