Ask Me Help Desk - Unhappiness in marriage

Hello, Im hoping I can get some help here... here is the issue - Im 28 and have been married for 2 years, we got married after a very short courtship that was expediated by the fact that I got pregnant. At the time it seemed like the thing to do... now Im not so sure. I love my husband, but I think that the only reason I do is because he is the father of my child. We have had problems since a few weeks into the relationship, we argue like its going out of style... hardly ever does a day go buy without at least a small argument... and while I am the first to admit when it was me that started it, every argument gets put on me because my husband doesn't want to chance me leaving and it being his fault. He does certain things that I don't agree with daily. He has a very easily flaired temper and gets mad at every small thing... things as simple as someone going faster than him and passing him when he is in the fast lane, yet he does this to people all the time... and he is always saying rude things about people, even people he doesn't know, he could see someone walking on the street and have something to say about them... I know you are saying, he needs to see Anger Mgmt, been there done that 3 times... and we have been to Marriage cousiling, but we went 2-3 times and he decided we didn't need it and he refused to go anymore... Im not saying I am an angel in the relationship, but Im just not happy... like I said I think the only reason I love him is because he fathered my child... I am not physically attracted to him, I never want to cuddle or have sex. I find myself hoping that I could catch him cheating just to have a reason to escape... so I know you are asking yourself "now why doesnt she just leave"... he is from Maine and I am from Georgia, that's a bit of a ways apart... all of my family is back in Georgia and if I were to leave that is where I would go, but I would take our son as well, and I don't know how I could possibly take him away from his daddy, when it comes to that my husband is great, he is a good father and it is the reason I love him... but I can't convince myself of any other reason or that I am happy, no matter what I do... I just can't figure out if I should stick it out and hope I find that love and happiness later on in the marriage or if I should go... this is my problem night and day... please help, any advise would be appreciated. Thanks you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful39138

Hello, Im hoping I can get some help here...here is the issue - Im 28 and have been married for 2 years, we got married after a very short courtship that was expediated by the fact that I got pregnant. At the time it seemed like the thing to do...now Im not so sure. I love my husband, but I think that the only reason I do is because he is the father of my child. We have had problems since a few weeks into the relationship, we argue like its going out of style...hardly ever does a day go buy without at least a small argument...and while I am the first to admit when it was me that started it, every argument gets put on me because my husband doesn't want to chance me leaving and it being his fault. He does certain things that I dont agree with daily. He has a very easily flaired temper and gets mad at every small thing...things as simple as someone going faster than him and passing him when he is in the fast lane, yet he does this to people all the time...and he is always saying rude things about people, even people he doesnt know, he could see someone walking on the street and have something to say about them...I know you are saying, he needs to see Anger Mgmt, been there done that 3 times...and we have been to Marriage cousiling, but we went 2-3 times and he decided we didnt need it and he refused to go anymore...Im not saying I am an angel in the relationship, but Im just not happy...like I said I think the only reason I love him is because he fathered my child...I am not physically attracted to him, I never want to cuddle or have sex. I find myself hoping that I could catch him cheating just to have a reason to escape...so I know you are asking yourself "now why doesnt she just leave"...he is from Maine and I am from Georgia, thats a bit of a ways apart...all of my family is back in Georgia and if I were to leave that is where I would go, but I would take our son as well, and I dont know how I could possibly take him away from his daddy, when it comes to that my husband is great, he is a good father and it is the reason I love him...but I can't convince myself of any other reason or that I am happy, no matter what I do...I just can't figure out if I should stick it out and hope I find that love and happiness later on in the marriage or if I should go...this is my problem night and day...please help, any advise would be appreciated. Thanks ya'll!

You know in your heart whether you should stay or go, if you believe that there is no help for the both of you then you need to move on because you are only hurting all three of you. Going only a few times to counciling is not going to fix your marriage it will only put a band aid on the problems the problems that are still there, it is up to you and your husband to make this choice together about the kind of help or strategy you can come up with to either make this relationship of yours work, it is a 50/50 deal nothing more or less. Sometimes the hardest things in life to go through, is the only choice you have and things will always get so much more worse before they get better, But they will get better! Good luck!

Studies will show you that sticking together for a the sake of the children largely produces children who are impaired in their relationships when their time comes because of the dsyfunctional modeling the parents did. The best book I read concerning that and the effects of hostile divorces was called Ten Years After, I believe. It was there that I learned that the health of the parental union has far reaching effects on children. I say set it right completely or end it as amicably as possible for that reason. I understand he is reluctant about further counseling but when the alternative to that is ending it, it can suddenly become a whole lot more feasible. If he didn't like that first counselor, try another. Daily arguments and lack of intimacy are taking more of a toll than you realise, I bet. All of you, including your child, deserve a safe and happy home in all its aspects. It may take work, courageous work even but I believe it to be worth the effort one way or the other.

I am certainly no expert but I wanted to chime in and ask if you have considered going to counseling by yourself? I did this for a period and found that it helped me understand not only myself better but her better as well. I was told that in some cases one of the spouses "getting healthier" can spark the other to action as well. You mentioned that he doesn't "want to be at fault" so maybe this could be useful, as a spinoff though. The important thing though I think is that it could help you gain some understanding about yourself and likely him too. If nothing else, with that understanding you could then make a more informed decision. I wish you the best though!

As far as getting mad, driving fast, complaining about others, commenting on others. Lots of people do this. Is this what turns you off? He has been loyal, you have been loyal. I do not know why I feel this way about your situation, but I do believe that it does not matter who your with you will find faults with that person. Not saying anything bad but we all have our faults in each of us. So you are not going to find that perfect person that does not have any faults. If your not happy, have you communicated this with him? Have you actually sat him down and talk to him about this? Or are you afraid of his temper? Has he ever been abusive to you or your child? I agree, with the above that you need to go to counseling as well, by yourself. They will be able to look at your situation at 3rd person and maybe be able to see the situation differently and also give you ways of dealing with your thoughts and feelings and maybe even take steps to make you happier, give you ideas and new ways of looking at things.

I also agree that getting married for a sake of the child is not a good situation and not a good reason to get married because usually these marriages do not work out. Not saying this for every person but just the majority.

So what should you do?

Counseling for yourself
Look within your heart, mind, soul and spirit. Figure out what would make you happiest, then start making your own personal decisions that will actually get you to the point where you are happy.

Joe