Ask Me Help Desk - Overwhelmed with situation

Hey everyone, first time poster here. I'm pretty confused/overwhelmed/frustrated with the current situation I'm in, I guess came here for some advice and/or support.

A little background: I'm 25, and my now ex is 24. We're both generally pretty quiet people except I'm very straight forward and always say what's on my mind. She's very reserved and easily gets overwhelmed and cries and has a very hard time expressing her feelings and has trouble communicating generally.

We are both in professional school and began as friends. Over a year ago, we decided to be roommates for the 2010 year because we were unhappy with our current roommates. Fast forward a few months - we got to know each other a bit better and began talking online more and eventually got very comfortable with each other and got to know each other very well. She told me all of her secrets that her best friends/sisters don't even know and I told her my secrets. We eventually began hooking up as friends with no no commitment. At the same time she was trying to date another guy, but she lost interest. 2 months after we started hooking up, we decided to get into a relationship with each other. We had a great time together, going on vacations, enjoying each other's company. We had the same group of friends, we did pretty much everything together.

We eventually moved in together last year. There were some bumps in the relationship. We fought occasionally and we both had childish moments, but besides that we were very comfortable with each other. I'm very open to talking about our problems and trying to work on them. Whenever she had a problem with me and raised it clearly, I worked on it and changed (not changing myself, just improving myself). When I bring up problems with her, she sometimes changed, but often she gets very defensive immediately saying "well you do it too". So eventually, her defensiveness and sometimes my frustration with her inability to communicate resulted in 4 or 5 big fights where I get really angry and yelled and cursed at her and made her feel really bad about herself. But I never stopped loving her, after the fights, everything would be normal again for me and I would still care about her no less. Apparently she didn't feel the same way and her feelings built up.

Fast forward a few months, after one of those fights, she eventually said she felt extremely overwhelmed and feels like she can't be herself around me anymore. She wanted to break up. I convinced her to try to continue for a month and we won't fight or anything and she can do whatever she wanted. During that month, she tried being herself and being normal but at the end she still felt extremely overwhelmed. She decided to break up with me. At the same time, she moved out and bailed on the lease. I was obviously very devastated at the situation, not only had I lost my best friend and girlfriend, but now roommate. While breaking up she was very sad, she wanted to keep the "bond" that we had and decided to leave some clothes behind in case she sleeps over but we stopped having sex or anything.

The week after we broke up, we hung out a few times, but she confessed that she still felt very overwhelmed and realized she needs a lot more space so she doesn't get the urge and eventually just cut me out completely. We went for a week without contact, and I felt god awful about myself and the situation the entire week. Eventually, I called her and apologized for all the insensitive/angry things that I did and asked her to forgive me. She cried on the phone and forgave me. I obviously still wanted her back and another chance with her to treat her better - not just like "a friend" whom I had developed feelings for but a girl who I'm in love with. I called her the next day and told her that I will approach this differently and treat her better and asked for a second chance, otherwise, I need her out of my life completely as a girlfriend/friend/whatever until I'm completely over her, which could be >1 year. She felt very bad about it but eventually, after sleeping on it for a few days and talking to mutual friends about it, she decided she's willing to try it again in 2 months from scratch after one of our big exams. She made it pretty clear that we're broken up in the mean time, she doesn't know what will happen, wants to start slowly, and wants minimal contact until the exam is over.

During this month that passed, I contacted her sporadically, usually once a week to see how she's doing and see what she's feeling. I also let her know that I'm working to improve myself and I gently told her one or two of her main problems and said that we both need to work on our problems for it to not fall apart in the future. I asked her if she's just "willing" to try again or if it's something she wanted and she said it's something she wanted and it's something that could (but not necessarily will) make her happy. But she also expressed that she still has a lot of reservations about trying again (about not being happy) and also she's only seriously dated one other person in the past (and I guess it's a concern for her that she might want to date other people in the future). She also said the contact is still too much, is unhealthy for her, and she gets overwhelmed every time we talk, she usually cries during the talks we have. The contacts have also become a distraction to her (and mine) studying for the exam which is coming up in 3 weeks now.

I guess I'm still stressing a lot as to how to approach this/think about this. I don't know if I should force myself to try to move on in my head (which means hating her and just ignoring her until I'm completely over her) or still hold out hope for her (but who knows how she'll feel in 3 weeks and if she still wants to date other people). I absolutely love her (maybe more the idea of her/her personality and our good times together) but at times very resentful for all the stress and negatives that she put me through (breaking up with me while I was improving, her defensive attitude, bailing on the lease, poor communication... etc). If I do go back into this, do I approach it... and I guess just any other general comments/advice as to how to un-clutter my mind and relieve this stressful situation somewhat. Thanks.

Forget starting from scratch. No way do you forget what has happened between you. Not in 2 months, or two years. Nor should you, because you have to remember what she is capable of when she is "overwhelmed".

Just me, I leave her completely alone, and have a great time myself, the way I was doing before she came along. In this way, she either misses you or she doesn't, but you will have had time for your emotional dust to settle so you can make the right choices for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

And you don't look good begging every week, for sure its desperate and disgusting, and very unattractive, so leave her alone. Matter of fact, given THE FACTS, since she dumped you and left you holding the bag, don't you think its up to her to do the heavy lifting if she wants YOU back? Should she have made some changes too?

Just me, mind you, I would give her stuff back, thank her for the memories, and disappear, and start doing my things because to be honest, I doubt seriously if I wanted to revisit this crap all over again, or waste any more time being stuck on someone that ain't as stuck on me. And she has many issues too? Oh hell NO!

I know I can do better with the next one. JUST ME THOUGH if she got serious, she would not only have to find me, but convince me beyond the shadow of a doubt, she was ready for a healthy adult relationship. That could take a while, as far as I was concerned.

Its called dignity, and self respect.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Forget starting from scratch. No way do you forget what has happened between you. Not in 2 months, or two years. nor should you, because you have to remember what she is capable of when she is "overwhelmed".

Just me, I leave her completely alone, and have a great time myself, the way I was doing before she came along. In this way, she either misses you or she doesn't, but you will have had time for your emotional dust to settle so you can make the right choices for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings.

And you don't look good begging every week, for sure its desperate and disgusting, and very unattractive, so leave her alone. matter of fact, given THE FACTS, since she dumped you and left you holding the bag, don't you think its up to her to do the heavy lifting if she wants YOU back? Should she have made some changes too?

Just me, mind you, I would give her stuff back, thank her for the memories, and disappear, and start doing my things because to be honest, I doubt seriously if I wanted to revisit this crap all over again, or waste any more time being stuck on someone that ain't as stuck on me. And she has many issues too?? Oh hell NO!

I know I can do better with the next one. JUST ME THOUGH if she got serious, she would not only have to find me, but convince me beyond the shadow of a doubt, she was ready for a healthy adult relationship. That could take a while, as far as I was concerned.

Its called dignity, and self respect.

I don't mind the quiet/lack of communication personality, especially since she knows it's a problem of hers. I guess the problem I have with just dropping everything and moving on is that I will still see her a lot because we have common friends and I feel guilty that I didn't give it my all in the relationship. I also fear that she won't see it as she had any fault in it (she definitely didn't sound like she saw any fault in what she did) and she just wants to be OK with whatever happens and not really care/be stressed out about it...

I will try my best to leave her alone in the mean time. I have been writing my thoughts down and I will talk to her about them and see how she feels about her role in everything when we start again in a month. If she still sees no problem with what she did then it might be better that I just let her go as hard as it is...

Quote:

Originally Posted by overwhelmed66

see how she feels about her role in everything when we start again in a month.

Why would you even bother? And the last thing she needs or wants from you is a laundry list of what she "needs to work on."

I suggest you treat her like she's mostly not there, and get on with your life. Or have you contacted her during the past few hours?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why would you even bother? And the last thing she needs or wants from you is a laundry list of what she "needs to work on."

Because she said she wanted to try again in 2 months (~3 weeks from now). Wouldn't that just be communication to tell her what bothered me? So I feel like to really continue, I wanted her to realize some of the things she did that was pretty awful. I had also been realizing the things I did, making a list, apologizing, and making changes to improve on my end.

No, I haven't spoken to her in a week. She doesn't want me to contact her because it's still too much for her and she cries every time we talk and it's getting to be a distraction for her from studying.

The best part of letting go completely, is it gives you a chance to reflect on what you have been through, and get a fresh perspective on it. Then you can see things a lot clearer, and not just through the filter of the hurt and disappointment you have now.

Now I know its rough seeing her, and being reminded of what you once enjoyed, but that's a problem to be faced with some dignity, and self respect, so you can cope with those situations in a mature positive way, and not be carried away by those feelings.

And sorry, as hard as you tried, you have to recognize that all your efforts didn't stop you from being dumped, and left holding the bag while she goes off scott free, without guilt or remorse, to enjoy herself. Do not ever forget that my friend, because that's something you seem to pass over, when it's a glaring red flag, among many, that you should give attention to.

Yes you need time to yourself to see all the facts, and know you cannot change her. She is who she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by overwhelmed66

Because she said she wanted to try again in 2 months (~3 weeks from now). Wouldn't that just be communication to tell her what bothered me? So I feel like to really continue, I wanted her to realize some of the things she did that was pretty awful. I had also been realizing the things I did, making a list, apologizing, and making changes to improve on my end.

No, I haven't spoken to her in a week. She doesn't want me to contact her because it's still too much for her and she cries every time we talk and it's getting to be a distraction for her from studying.

I think a whole list of things that bothers you about her, would definitely OVERWHELM her, and she is easily overwhelmed. While you see this as communications, have you forgotten that she can't communicate very well?

I don't think a few months without her is enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

And sorry, as hard as you tried, you have to recognize that all your efforts didn't stop you from being dumped, and left holding the bag while she goes off scott free, without guilt or remorse, to enjoy herself. Do not ever forget that my friend, because thats something you seem to pass over, when its a glaring red flag, among many, that you should give attention to.

Yes you need time to yourself to see all the facts, and know you cannot change her. She is who she is.

.

Just to clarify on the moving out part. She felt overwhelmed by everything and decided to stay at her parents so she's not faced with it everyday any more. Since her parents pay her rent (even though the lease is in her name), they decided to just get a storage for her things and not pay the rent because it's cheaper.

I've always had a hard time dumping girls. I guess I'm surprisingly tolerant to how I'm being treated as long as I had strong feelings for someone, yea it's not a very healthy thing. Doesn't mean I sulk after them all the time, sometimes, I just don't break up because I'd feel too bad doing so. My list isn't very long or anything and I feel like if it takes one overwhelming time to get her to see how I feel before we start again then it could be worth it. She's not very good at talking about herself but she is a pretty good listener. Since we both agreed to give it a second try and if she can't deal with a list of a few things she did that upset me, along with discussing what would make her happy, then it'd be a sign right there I shouldn't continue.

It's not like she's happy and out enjoying herself right now. She is definitely still upset and thinking about the whole situation, and she says it's not healthy for her to talk about it yet. I guess I want to try it again because I see the potential in what it could be (I know it doesn't mean it'll reach there), and we were really good friends before our relationship. At the same time, she's willing to try again slowly also and I'm sure she doesn't want to invest in it again if she's just going to not care and let it fail completely. The waiting and anxiety is really killing me though because I feel like I can see the situation clearly many times but other times I alternate between longing/missing her and disappointment/anger.

Maybe you are better friends than partners, and should leave it at that. Right now you seem to be totally incompatible as partners, and its really hard when her pace is super slow, and yours is much faster.

You can do as you like but I see you needing more than a few weeks or months to see clearly, because right now I think you are holding on to old feelings and patterns and not allowing new ones a chance to sink in.

Plus its obvious she isn't ready for an healthy adult relationship, wit sharing, caring, and honestly communicating, to work with partner.

Forcing her to do so would overwhelm her, yet again I feel. NO COMMUNICATIONS=NO RELATIONSHIP!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Maybe you are better friends than partners, and should leave it at that. Right now you seem to be totally incompatible as partners, and its really hard when her pace is super slow, and yours is much faster.

You can do as you like but I see you needing more than a few weeks or months to see clearly, because right now I think you are holding on to old feelings and patterns and not allowing new ones a chance to sink in.

Plus its obvious she isn't ready for an healthy adult relationship, wit sharing, caring, and honestly communicating, to work with partner.

Forcing her to do so would overwhelm her, yet again I feel. NO COMMUNICATIONS=NO RELATIONSHIP!!

Thank you for your advice talaniman, you definitely make a LOT of sense on many points. I will definitely take it into consideration.

Why do you think WE are incompatible as partners though? Or do you just think it's because she's not ready?

Anytime a partner would rather run, than talk, its always something to pay attention too.

But the biggest thing to not ignore, she is UNWILLING to work through issues, which indicate, despite her words of try again later, were meant only to ease the confrontations, and was intended as a hint, because lets face it, what human would put up with that kind of crap from another human being.

The why of her being unwilling, is irrelevant, just because the fact that she is unwilling is enough. Does it matter whether she is unable or not, to be a caring, sharing partner matter at all? Not in the least, because the result are the same, you get dumped, and will still be dumped in 3 weeks.

Even if she does want another try with you, what has changed that would make it better? You are not compatible, because she is who she is, and you are who you are, and the styles don't mix, and even after you have changed (improved?? ), it still didn't work. That's incompatible in the classic sense, and I think she knows that, but you don't.

No Contact with her would help you, if you make it a permanent practice, so you can overcome your own stubborn thinking. That's what keeps you stuck on failed ideas, instead of letting them go in the face of facts gathered through your history with her.

Sorry guy, hate to see you learn the hard way, as I did, but maybe that's what you will need.

Overwhelmed - you've been given some important things to consider and I will only expand a little on a few points.

First off, I think your ex is emotionally manipulative. I've experienced it before and have seen other women do it. The crying when you are in the middle of a heated argument is a ruse to get you to stop and let the argument die. Sometimes a healthy argument can lead to a breakthrough in a relationship (obviously not always) but when you have someone chickening out and behaving childishly instead of handling the argument like an adult, it will never go well for you.

Secondly, I'd say that 90% of the time when someone says they need space and minimal contact, it means that they are trying to "feel out" how much pain they will experience once they leave the relationship and whether they can move on; or they are so weak in character that they don't have the ability to handle the breakup (i.e. they are afraid of hurting your feelings) like an adult—obviously, you are not able to move on when you are encouraged that there is some hope the relationship will continue... when in reality the other person has already begun moving on.

Thirdly, I will piggy back on what Tal said. Don’t keep contacting her. The best thing for you to do is let things be. She already knows what you want. If you call her again to talk about the relationship, what more will you add to what you’ve already said? You are obsessing about things to the point that I think you may be lacking some objectivity to what’s going on. Perhaps if you just let things be, you may come to see things more clearly for yourself. To me it seems like you are trying to control the situation way too much: you are calling her too frequently; you want her to know all of the ways she hurt you; and you want her to own her wrongs and work on them, too. That is control. You are trying to manage the relationship to go the way you want it to go but you cannot do that, my friend. You have to let it go.

Lastly, and this is the easier said than done part. You need to try to move on. I know you are caught up in the throes of the idealized part of what was in your relationship with this woman. But you and she are not in the same place in life of handling an adult relationship in a mature way. I would say that you have to believe in love after this relationship…that you can meet someone is more mature and ready to handle the kind of relationship you desire. I would also say that you may need to work on your desire for control. One thing about life is that the longer you live it, the less control we really have over it. We have decisions to make, that’s true. But we can only manage our own decisions and not others. Look into that. Be good to yourself.

Thanks for the support jakester. I think you are right in that I am trying to control the situation too much. I guess I do want to control it to the extent that I want her to know how she hurt me but whether she owns up to it or not, it's up to her. Deep down, I obviously want her to acknowledge it and own up to it, but that's just hope, and as much as I want to do something or try to, there's really nothing I can about that part, I just have to learn to accept it eventually. Much easier said than done.

I think these past few weeks, I have just been taking her side in thinking about how I hurt her and really didn't focus too much on how everything has affected me. As for being emotionally manipulative, I know that's not her intention/character, she is just very fragile in that aspect. She still tries to work through it as an adult, sometimes better than others, but her emotions easily flood her appearance. Again, all I can do is hope that this time apart gives her a chance to reflect on everything. Sometimes I feel like if I just contacted her and explained my side to her, it would make it much easier.

It's also hard that with time, I know that the feelings are going to die down, both positive and negative. It's just that the positive feelings for me way outweigh the negative feelings (my previous comment about how I'm pretty tolerant to negatives) and I'm afraid of letting that go. I'm also afraid that if I don't contact her, the positive feelings she had for me are going to die down also...

Its really a sad thing to see a guy who justifies bad behavior from an ex, and eats all the blame himself. So not to be harsh, but get off the pity pot my friend. It does you no justice, and will bring you no peace.

I'm sorry I see this quite differently. You have talked about how deficient she is, how she has a hard time expressing herself. She broke up with you yet you have continued to get her to come back all the while letting her know how deficient she is.
Leave her alone. It is obvious to me that she does no want to be with you. If you would stop contacting her, she would probably leave you alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I'm sorry I see this quite differently. You have talked about how deficient she is, how she has a hard time expressing herself. She broke up with you yet you have continued to get her to come back all the while letting her know how deficient she is.
Leave her alone. It is obvious to me that she does no want to be with you. If you would stop contacting her, she would probably leave you alone.

I think you're mistaken. I have not gotten her to come back while letting her know how deficient she is. In fact, it's not like we have a on-off relationship. This is the first time we broke up and I have only wrote these problems down without telling her. She said she wants to try again and the only 2 things I ever pointed out to her that she was weak on in the relationship was her communication and her defensiveness, all things that she knew and easily agree on.

As for the she would leave me alone part. I'm pretty sure that at the least, she wants to still be good friends with me. I know that she doesn't want me out of her life and in fact, would be very hurt if I left her life completely.

I did not mean you have gotten her back, but you continue to contact her trying to get her back.
I think you would do well to leave her alone. Don't try and control the situation.
Le it be.

There is a difference between being tolerant and being ignorant. Tolerant is when someone messes up and you decide to forgive them. It is ignorant to ignore what your ex's actions are telling you and not seeing all the red flags that she has shown. You need to open your eyes and realize that she has left you. This bull$hit of waiting a certain period for her to decide this, and another period for this other thing to happen is dumb. She has broken up with you and you need to accept this and move on. There are other girls, go meet them, this one is too immature to know what the hell she wants. You need to stop being hopeful about this relationship and concentrate on things that matter, like school. And don't forget to find another roommate.

Good Luck,
Javi