About a month ago, my girlfriend dumped me out of the blue and gave the no contact rule (this was my first no contact experience as all my other breakups were talked out so both parties would have closure). I spoke with her about a week later after she dumped me on the phone because I was desperate to understand why our relationship ended so abruptly. She still gave me nothing.

Anyway; I mailed her effects back to her a couple of weeks ago. I had also left a kitchen towel (part of a set) over at her house that I realized last week. The towel wouldn't matter at all to me; but it was a nice set that was a gift from my Grandma (the ex knows this). I sent an email earlier this week (first contact in almost a month) saying I hope she was doing well, asking if she received her items in the mail, and if she wouldn't mind sending me my towel if she had a free chance. I haven't heard anything back at all.

Now why would a grown woman act like that? It's like the no contact was this punishment for some awful crime I committed. I played by her rules of no contact for weeks; but is it normal for an adult to not respond when someone asks for their personal stuff back? The email was brief and there wasn't any type of notion to reconcile our relationship.

Also, a family friend that is in the medical field sent me an article after my mom told them about my breakup. It was about people who have BPD (borderline personality disorder). This article had 13 symptoms, and I immediately recognized 9 of the symptoms she had in our relationship. I also checked another link out related to how a person with BPD evolves through phases in a relationship; it was spot on regarding to what we went through (they move the relationship super fast, then it becomes all about them, then they become a "hater", the usually abruptly end a relationship because of their fear of abandonment).

Has anyone been in a relationship with a person that had BPD? I'm not a doctor but the symptoms were so in line with her behavior. I just find it hard to believe that confident, mature, and secure adults would act this way at the end and after the end of a relationship. Personally, I'm now trying to learn how to spot these type of people; so input would be much appreciated

Welcome to no contact. It means exactly what it says. She may send you back your towel, but she's decided to go to no contact, which means that any contact from you will be ignored.

It doesn't matter if you just write to tell her hi, or ask how she's doing.

I know it's hard to understand when you're on the receiving end. If for some reason she doesn't send back your towel, you can always ask a third party to retrieve it for you. But, she's done with you and doesn't wish to have any further contact, no matter how trivial, with you. She's doing what she has to do to move on.

As for the BPD, only a doctor can diagnose that. Many people have symptoms of BPD, that doesn't mean they have the disorder.

It's best to just leave the past behind you, forget about her, stop contacting her, and move forward.

I realize that this is probably not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. I hope you read it and see the truth in it.

Good luck to you.

I understand the no contact. It just makes me frustrated when you put so much effort into a relationship and after the end of it you get no respect. I've broken up with other ex's before; but I'm not about to ignore their existence without providing, at least, a simple request of their belongings back. I'd give them the time of day (unless it was some weird stalking behavior). I understand no contact for relationships that deserve it; but I guess I do not understand no contact for the end of a relationship that to me doesn't deserve that. I am beginning to believe that some forms of no contact can be used as a weapon. I appreciate your response though Alten. And just to make things clear; I am really asking about symptoms that could identify abusive relationships, or simply just experiences.

You're thinking about this from your perspective, not hers. She obviously needs to do no contact in order to move on. Read some of the relationship threads on this site. If you do, you'll understand why some people need no contact.

I've also never done no contact with any of my exes. In fact, I'm still friends with most of them. But some people really can't move on if they keep in contact. Your ex is one of those people. You may not understand it, but you do have to respect it.

As for the symptoms, I really can't help you there. Bipolar disorder is a very tangled web. Many people have symptoms without having the disorder. Even when a professional is involved it can be misdiagnosed. It's not something I'd be willing to diagnose over the internet. Nor am I qualified to offer a diagnosis.

I know that you're questioning things. That's normal when a relationship ends. But really, is it doing you any good? Are you moving on, or are you stuck in the past because you don't know why it ended? Does knowing why change anything?

It's really in your best interest to let it go and move on. I know it's not easy, but it's your best option.

It is hurtful when you love someone more than anyone and last they leave us like we have some disease and they can't even talk with her.. I have gone through the process of no contact and always I remember this proverb"Some days back u told me that i am ur life and now i am not even a part of it".. But reality is this one.. This is love and if you want to get out of any relationship and move on.. u have to stick with NO contact.
Just think,what is the use of giving her stuffs to her and taking your stuffs.. Trying to talk,trying to mail.. It is not useful when the other person has already moved on.. In my opinion never go back with the same person and start relationship.. The best thing for you is that she has broke up with you and you will move on after some days and will get new love but she will always feel the guilt of the wrong she did with you.. I bet it will never erase from her heart.. Let her stew.. U be cool and move on.. Doesn't matter what symptom she is having and what disorder.. Matter is how true she is in the relationship with u.. If she is not true then you will get someone who will be more caring,more loving.. Just wait for the right person.. All the best

Sumitkumar, I've been reading many of your posts, and I have to point out your use of chat speak. I realize that English isn't your first language, but you seem to have a very good grasp of it.

Chat speak is against the rules of this site.

u = you
your = you are

If the chat speak continues it may result in your posts being deleted. Please, use complete words and sentences, as per the rules of this site.

Thank you.

Thanks for reading my posts.. Okay will do that.. Thanks for your comment..

Experience will teach you to not diagnose others, or expect them to live by your own standards of thinking, especially when you don't understand them after an emotional break up.

They are who they are, and you accept them and their actions, or you don't. Now you may be right about the ex, she may well be flawed, but all humans are in one way or another, and the only thing that matters is how you deal with them, no matter what their issues may be. Any relationship, or even friendship you make in life has a risk of pain, hurt, failure, and can challenge you in ways you may never have imagined.

In short, there are no rules to follow when dealing with others except the ones you make for yourself, and the boundaries you set for yourself. Anything else will drive you nuts, and you waste a lot of time figuring others out.

Accept she wants NO Contact, and let the towel go, because after a month, and that's all you lost because of this break up, you are doing good. Now be honest, after a month, you just wanted to see if she would talk to you at all.

You got your answer, so don't trip over the way she is handling herself, or the break up.

You need to STOP looking for the reason as to why she broke up with you. Only she knows that reason, and maybe not even her, regardless though the way you gain closure with a relationship is by getting over it, not figuring out as to one specific reason why your girlfriend broke up with you. The possibilities are endless, maybe she found someone else, maybe she just got bored, maybe she didn't like the sex, maybe she felt you were too good for her,. STOP! Have you realized that you have come to blame your relationship break up to a psychological disease that you believe your girlfriend MIGHT have? This is just first experience, so it is understandable, we have all searched for that glorious reason that you believe it will calm you down because now at least you know why things are happening. But, that reason will never been known to you, and if she was to tell you, you would probably be biased and not see it as a reason bad enough to break up over. But, it is not the why she broke up with you, the important fact here is that she has. So now, regardless of the reason why, you need to respect her decision and start moving on. No Contact is important and you should practice it so that you can also start healing, just like she is doing. You need to accept that she has left you and that you are now single, so enjoy it. Sure, you have gotten used to having someone there as your girlfriend and even more so if you liked them a lot (maybe even love them), but just as you got used to that you will also get used to being alone again. Also, maybe you don't need that towel? Could you live without it? Because it seems to me as if you are unintentionally of course, using that as an excuse to at least get something out of your ex, which is wrong because she is currently doing what you are SUPPOSED to do after a break up. Stay busy, wait for time to pass, improve areas of your life, work out, concentrate on school and work and other things that matter so that you are not constantly thinking about your ex. Is not going to be easy, but day by day it will get easier.

Good Luck,
Javi

I figured a month was enough time to request a towel back that my Grandmother made for me. Yes, it is an important towel to me. I don't want her back; it was a simple request from her. I assumed after my experiences in relationships that sooner or later, they would act like an adult. I'm not asking to be her friend, not asking for her reconciliation. I figured that maybe after one month of NC; I could simply ask for my stuff back. I feel like this message board has attacked me for doing so.

PS- Not your post Tali; yours didn't seem attacking

No one is attacking you, just giving you some tough love because we all think that you may be distracted by your own feelings, and something to consider is not all like I have remember your other post.

You made your request of her, now let it go and give her time to respond one way or another, or maybe figure that as much as this towel meant to you, she might of just burned the darn thing out of whatever emotions she is having. Instead of getting carried away by your own feelings, and expectations, that hers are totally different. You may not like the way she deals with you now, but that's why you are no longer together.

Leave her alone, the ball is in her court, and unless you are willing to make this a very big fight, leave it alone, and deal with your disappointment in a positive mature way, even if she does not.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Blindsided

I figured a month was enough time to request a towel back that my Grandmother made for me. Yes, it is an important towel to me. I don't want her back; it was a simple request from her. I assumed after my experiences in relationships that sooner or later, they would act like an adult. I'm not asking to be her friend, not asking for her reconciliation. I figured that maybe after one month of NC; I could simply ask for my stuff back. I feel like this message board has attacked me for doing so.

PS- Not your post Tali; yours didn't seem attacking

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Not attacking. Not at all. I was simply telling you the truth.

I know the truth isn't always easy to hear. I myself don't always like hearing it. But, if you're really here for advice, sooner or later, hopefully, you'll read the advice that's been given and see the truth.

Like Tal said, the ball's in her court now. Hopefully she does the right thing and returns your towel, but don't count on that happening.

I understand that the towel means a lot to you, but you may have to accept that you'll never see it again. Either that, or you have to decide how far you're willing to go to get it back. Are you willing to fight for it? Are you willing to take her to court to get it back? That may be what it takes. It won't only cost you a lot financially, but emotionally as well.

The choice is yours. Let her and the towel go, hope that she does the right thing and returns the towel, or fight to get it back.

But was is the truth?
You guys don't see the whole picture.
Every situation is different.

Niki

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nikiw

But was is the truth?
You guys don't see the whole picture.
Every situation is different.

Niki

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We base our advice on what we're told. That's all we can do.

Do we see the whole picture? Only the picture we've been presented with.

You're right, every situation is different, which is why we've given him different options.

What is the truth? The truth is, when a relationship ends, it's best to just let it go, move on, and forget about it. That's always true.

What are you going to do about it?? That's the only question to answer.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I am not willing to go any farther than requesting my towel through email. Yes the towel is important; I keep the paintings my Grandma paints me, and whatever else she makes me and gives me during Christmas. Someday those things will be the only tangible things I will have left (outside of memories). I'm sure after making that statement I sound like a hoarder now, haha (not to offend anyone that hoards on here).

I think the fact that she didn't reply is what bothered me. It felt disrespectful after everything that happened when we dated. Considering all else, she was considered a friend when we were dating too. Now friends are important to me, maybe the most important thing in life to me. The only time I've lost a friend outside of death; is what happened when my ex and I broke up. So to lose a friend that you still have the luxury to know is alive and communicate too, was a tempting problem for me. I played by her rule of no contact until I thought a reasonable amount of time has passed to request something that is important to me; so not hearing anything back is alien to me under these circumstances. But if that's how she wants to run her business, then fine.

I posted all of the other information on abuse because I'm lucky enough to have good friends, family, and extended family that can side with me on my position in the breakup, play the devil's advocate, or simply provide information on what they interpreted as relevant. My ex's behavior immediately sounded an alarm to an extended family member on BPD. I'm not diagnosing anyone by any means, I figured maybe from all of the threads that maybe someone would provide an experience that may or may not validate my question.

Everyone that posted a reply gave good feedback. I want to say I am in the early to mid stages of just acceptance. It feels good, I feel relieved to be out of the relationship and out of the initial hardship of a breakup. I have never experienced a breakup that generated such discomfort before; so I believe I was due. Lucky for me, I wasn't in a very long or marriage type situation. I feel for those people that have lost an extended relationship with a significant other that I have seen on here; they must have a massive amount of strength to carry on day to day.

From my experience on here, I have seen the same answers from readers regarding what to do after a breakup (let go, move on, do your thing without him/her). I realized after I had beat my memory to death about what went wrong in my ex girlfriend situation (and other's situations); is that those are the right answers, it's just a matter of when do you come to terms with those answers.

Thanks again everyone; I hope to provide helpful feedback to others someday as you all have done here.