Hi, would love some advice on this as I'm in turmoil and have spoken to a few friends but they don't understand as not been through it.
Ive been with my husband now for 9 years and married for 1 and half, I've never been totally happy as my husband can be a moody, unsociable person. We have always had problems and he always said the same that he will change and to give us a chance, for years I believed this. It has now come to the point were I'm ready to leave and have told a few people, this has really made him sit up and realise I mean it, he has now started to make an effort with me and our son doing family things together, the thing is I'm not sure this to little to late.

I have lost both my mum and dad, my dad only 3 years ago whilst I was pregnant, I'm not sure I have grieved properly and wondering if this is effecting me. Ive also been in contact with an old friend and we have since met up. I know him 10 years ago and we were like soul mates (so easy to talk to each other) we've met up and is just the same, now I'm all confused as this lad has now become part of my decision, I know I should stop seeing him but I cant, but is this me just going back to my youth? What if I leave my husband and I regret it? All I know is I am so unhappy and feel like running away from it all and having a blow out but I can't as I have responsibilities with our 3 year old son.

I find that grief goes on and on and on. It takes different forms but it definitely affects your life for a very long time. Are you still suffering from grief? Very possibly.

I would be concerned about jumping from the marriage into a new relationship before you find out if you are depressed or grieving - or just don't love your husband. You might go from the frying pan into the fire and there is a child to be considered.

For whatever reason old memories of happier times can pull us into some very bad decisions. I always try to remember that if I liked/loved X at some point in my life but we broke up there was a reason.

Have you tried some form of counselling?

Hi
Thank you for your response, I have actually looked into couselling today so I've started the ball rolling on that one. I think your right it's a combination of 3, depressed, grieving and not in love anymore. I wasn't actually going out with the lad at the time it was more a platonic relationship were we just used to stay up and talk, I was only 19 at the time and him 28 so we wasn't in the same place. He was cheated on by his wife 8 months ago and I know he's still bitter (as he tells me) and I know I should walk away but my heart is ruling my head! He is what my friends describe as my ideal man, it was a running joke has he ahas all the attributes I go for. I feel guilty feeling this way and I know leaving my husband will break his heart so its so hard and what if it's the wrong decision because I'm just in a bad place?

The wrong decision is the one that makes YOU feel trapped. Of course you don't want to hurt someone who loves you - that's more than commendable. The truth is - how long can you live, unhappy? Yes, you owe it to yourself to talk to someone. Sometimes the first person isn't a good fit but the next person is... or the one after that... or the one after that.

Maybe the "old friend" is the ideal man for you. If so, he'll be the ideal man after you get a clearer perspective on life.

The only way to know why you are making a decision to go or to stay is to talk to someone about it. It will take time, of course, but all good things take time. If the "old friend" cares at all for you (and it sounds like he does) he'll want you to be happy, make the right decision. That may be a decision to stay or a decision to go.

And, as I said, grief goes on and on. Sometimes I made/make decisions out of grief instead of a clear mind, a clear head. No question that death and loss change your life forever in ways no one can explain, in ways no one warns you about.

This is very personal and I am only sharing it because maybe it will help you - a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend and I made a flip comment about "well, everyone leaves you at some point or another." Stopped me dead in my tracks. Apparently somewhere inside me I feel that my late husband left me. The words shocked even me. I swear I never consciously thought of things that way.

So, yes, you can grieve and suffer for a long time, even if your life goes on.

Take care of yourself, figure out what is best for you - and then move on in whichever direction is best for you.

I highly suggest you get to a better place before you make any decision, and it would greatly help to have less time for the friend who may also be in a very bad place himself. For sure he can't help you nor can you help him!! You can only distract each other from handling your own personal miseries.

I wouldn't think that jumping out of the relationship would be the solution. Since your husband is beginning to make an effort to work on the relationship I would advice you try counseling it works. One thing I know is there is no permanent phenomenon, people change for either good or bad. He is trying give him a second thought. You sound decided to leave. I think you are grieving but you love your husband. For the other 'soulmate' sometime we are good as friends and NOT partners. Lastly pray for your marriage. God bless you in your marriage.