Ask Me Help Desk - Help me with my relationship

I recently divorced but in the last 6 months before it was final I met a man I think is possibly the love of my life.
He was apprehensive as he wasn't comfortable that my divorce wasn't final but we dated for about a month before we were intimate. He was a divorcée and had been divorced 6 years. He had a lso had this on off relationship with a woman who he said was more off than on and they didn't love each other. The impression he gave was they were just a habit. The day after we were intimate he was riddled with guilt saying that I needed to be divorced before we could continue with our relationship. At the same time my husband wanted a reconciliation so it was a very complicated situation.
I knew that I couldn't ever go back to my husband particularly given I had seen this man so I carried on with the divorce.
My new love and I kept in touch as friends and it felt as if we were really going to give this a go and try and find the happiness we both craved. He then delivered a bombshell saying that his on, off ex had been in contact and as I still had a few months to go with my divorce he was going to give it a go even though he was 98% certain it wouldn't work. He said his family didn't think it was a good idea and tha he shouldn't do it but he did anyway.
I spoke to him once or twice and it was always me wh made the contact. The last time we spoke he wanted to get off the phone but ended the conversation by saying we would speak soon. He gave me the vibe that he just needed more time and space to sort out his life.
I left it for a month and sent him a text asking him to call me but he didn't. I passed him the other day in the car and I was going to ignore him but he waved eagerly so I waved back.
I sent him a text a few days later saying that my divorce was final now and I would really like to see him. I asked him to please reply either way. Its now 2 days later and I haven't heard back.
I know you hear this all the time but we are both in our very late 40's and we really did connect. He never told me he loved me and I never told him but I honestly now know I do. I'm now devastated. I don't know if he is with his ex still but I don't think he is. I know he doesn't want to be alone and he has been wanting to settle down for some time.
Do you think he hasn't responded because its over and he has moved on? Is it possible he just isn't ready yet?
I just can't believe I'm a fling for him. He was so keen. I just can't cope with being just a fling and it is making me ill. I have lost weight, can't concentrate and its affecting my whole life. I've been in counsellig but it hasn't helped.
Do I just leave it now?
This is my first time on a forum like this so I am so desperate for advice.
Thank you

Give yourself time to recover from your last relationship.

What its you want. Rebounding can be a killer, at whatever age, or past history.

Don't rush. Enjoy the freedom.

No stress.

You may have felt that the two of you really connected, but it doesn't sound as if he was ready to. His feelings still seem to be up in the air.

Best to let him have time and space to decide what he is going to do.

Take your time before moving into something new. Continue with the counseling as you rebuild your life on your own.

As you have seen, getting involved too quickly can cause you to have to deal with even more frustration, disappointment, and uncertainty at a time when you already have enough of that going on.

Take time for yourself... spend time with family and friends. Get involved in your work, go out on the town with the girls, do something new you have always wanted to try.

It's sounds like he isent interested anymore, reason being, he knows.

But I think that this guy you feel so strong about was proberly just a rebound guy.

A "rebound relationship" is one in which a person becomes overly quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an upsetting breakup or divorce. People who have breakups and then immediately involved themselves with someone else seem to feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. They may miss the comfort and affection of a regular relationship. But whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on serving the self esteem and satisfying feeling of personal worth. "Someone loves me and needs me." It can also be to affirm "I wasn't at fault in the breakup, this relationship will prove that." Most of these rebound relationships are not permanent, and they can be even more destructive than the earlier breakup.

( http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_a_rebound_relationship#ixzz1L97u5aGn )

Before you engage in any kind of relationship you need to sort out your life first, or your going to keep falling in 'love' with guys far to quickly to make up for what YOU are missing in your own life.

It's not time for a relationship, it's a time for you to pick yourself up and get your emotions in order before you make more mistakes!

He said that he couldn't see you because you weren't divorced because he slept with you and he was not interested anymore. Sorry to be harsh, but that is the truth. Furthermore, from your posting, it seems that he never gave you the impression that there was a relationship.. this all came from your mind and your assumptions. I am sorry that one of the deciding factors to finalizing your divorce was your sleeping with this man, because he has made it pretty clear that he does not want to be with you.

You need to take time to heal from your divorce and this relationship. You cannot fix your emotional pain with a new relationship. People will take advantage of your need to be wanted and use you. Counseling is a wonderful idea, and you really need to learn to be alone and find value and peace in yourself before you try a relationship.

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I knew that I couldn't ever go back to my husband particularly given I had seen this man so I carried on with the divorce.

Possibly you got so caught up in something fresh and new you didn't really give the opportunity to consider a reconciliation with your now ex husband and perhaps you forced your hand just for the ideal of something new and exciting.

I think your kidding yourself if you think that this man wants something more. If you really want to know if he wants you.. leave him. Let him text, call, contact you. You have opened the doors to a whole new life. Time to do things you've always wanted to do but never had the opportunity too. Meet new people, start a new hobby.. look outside the box and try something different.

Don't allow yourself to be crippled by what you thought 'could of been'.. if he wants you.. he'll make the moves and contact you. But don't anticipate it happening anytime soon. Let him 'work' for your affection and attention. He has to be good enough for you.. meanwhile.. go have some fun.

Big red flag with the on again off again girlfriend. He claims not to love her, but when she comes back into his life he's more then ready to try again. That on again off again relationship will always be on again at one time or another.

If he really cared about you, really wanted to be with you, he would have been patient for your divorce to end. He wasn't. He made an excuse, saying he wants to take things slow, and then he started dating his ex, telling you that he's certain it won't work out. Then why date her? Is he that bored, that impatient?

He told you what you wanted to hear hoping that you would give up on him so that he wouldn't have to come right out and tell you he's not interested anymore.

It's time for you to forget about him and move on with your life. Being single for a while will be good for you. Learn to love yourself before you try to find love with someone else.

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Do you think he hasn't responded because its over and he has moved on?

He hasn't responded because he knows he was dishonest, and cannot face you. His words and actions didn't match, and he caught you at a very vulnerable time when you were to distracted by your FEELINGS, and paid no attention to the facts, he had an off and on girlfriend, and you were getting a divorce and not yet final. At that point it was best to pay attention and back off to a safe distance and see what you were allowing yourself to get into.

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Is it possible he just isn't ready yet?

He wasn't ready when you met him. Neither were you, to be honest, as you had a lot of baggage too! The sad part was you both may have needed company, as you had a lot in your lives to work through, many issues to talk about. Having sex after only a month only adds to the confusion of needy feelings. You both allowed it, and you both share in the mistake. Simply put, you both were carried away by your neediness and lusts, and never took time to examine what was going on. Come on, that's how rebounds start,

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I just can't believe I'm a fling for him. He was so keen. I just can't cope with being just a fling and it is making me ill. I have lost weight, can't concentrate and its affecting my whole life. I've been in counseling but it hasn't helped.

After 30 days to put that kind of burden on a fellow, is unfair. But you are hurt because of it. I get that. What you have to get is your part in this so called fling, own your part, and Forgive the mistakes you made in this thing, so you can move on two better things.

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Do I just leave it now?

Yes, you just leave this alone until you are over it, whether he contacts you or not, because how realistic is it to think you can go from a failed marriage to a successful relationship without the proper healing? Proper healing takes time, and you MUST rebuild your life, and yourself, and be happy again with just you, and what you have done for YOURSELF!! Counseling will help you see that, even if you are in so much emotional pain to see anything but that pain. You must give it time, just like you have to give a proper healing/rebuilding process time also. None of this will be an instant success, nor will there be a quick easy fix.

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This is my first time on a forum like this so I am so desperate for advice.

We can give you advice, but its you that have to do the hard work of healing, and being healthy, and happy. That's your responsibility.

The others have given you some excellent perspectives and insights into your situation. I hope you take it all to heart, as you heal from this latest setback in your life.

It seems like you are desperately looking for someone to love and to be loved back. This is a common feeling after a break and it shows the "rebound" theory. If he isn't answering anything that you are sending then the message is clear, he doesn't want to have anything to do with you, so why keep begging? You need to go find someone that wants to be with you, in fact, you should probably stay single for a while to get used to your new life.

Good luck,
Javi