During a short breakup period last year with my boyfriend of 4 years, he joined a dating site. He "met" a lady online and started corresponding. Unbeknownst to me, after we got back together, he continued a friendship with her. While he was in his first marriage, he didn't like that his wife wouldn't allow him female friends. He said he needed to also "look down at the sidewalk" whenever another woman passed by. I vowed not to be that way and agreed that friendships with the opposite sex is no threat as long as there is trust. With this lady friend of his now, it is quite different from my guy friendships. I have learned that she calls, texts ahd emails him every day for anything from sharing storied about animal rescues, her latest art projects and even her children's sports activities. He has given her money in the past because it is hard for her to make ends meet and I feel that she keeps him close because she knows if she throws out a need and plays the victim card, he will solve the problem with giving her money. By the way, he and I are in our 50s. The "lady friend" is mid=40s.


I have talked to him about this and he thinks it's just a woman thing and all I need is reassurance that I am the one and he wants and needs to be with me forever. That he is simply helping her out as needed and it won't interfere with our lives. I say that this woman now needs to respect boundaries and that my guy friends aren't giving me money or contacting me every day as she is.

Is there anything I can say to get him to see things my way? Should I speak with her and tell her my feelings? Right now I feel there are 3 of us in this close relationship and he thinks I am silly. I don't know what you'd call this other woman keeping a closeness with him every day and getting money from him but I wouldn't call this a normal friendship. It's like she is his philanthropic project. I need things to change. Advice please.

Its you and him that need to set some boundaries of good behavior. That you both can agree on since, he doesn't have the good sense to appreciate in his freedom.

What do they say, "give 'em an inch and they take a mile!"? I guess you can see why he was forced to drop his eyes to the sidewalk!!

Do not contact the woman in this problem. It is not her fault. But you and your boyfriend need to figure this out together. If he is not listening, then he needs an ultimatum.

You are correct that boundaries need to be respected, but that is your boyfriends problem. (The other woman should back off too, but you do not know what your boyfriend is saying to her).

Right now, your boyfriend seems to be sharing his life with both of you, and that is not fair. The "I'm allowed Girl Friends" is all well and good if it is truly friendship. But this relationship started from a dating site, and it's NOT cool to keep her in the picture. (He could be keeping her around as a back up, but that is just my opinion).

---> Confront him about it, seriously. And if he needs to be told "it's her or me" then tell him, and let him make the decision. It's not fair to you to have to SHARE a relationship.

He says they are only friends and I have nothing to worry about. He has never admitted they met on a dating site. He said they met at church... yeah 45 minutes away from where he lives when there is a church down his street. But that was 2 years ago. He tells me she is a good friend and I know he only has about 2 true friends. This I do know. He is a loner type... and naïve I may add. I clearly see uses him AND others on her Facebook page with all her neediness. I know men and women see things differently but when I bring her up, he gets defensive. Now I don't want to come off as jealous, never been the jealous type, but something in me is really not liking their connection. Now, is this something I should tell him? Should I say that it bothers me to see their interaction? I know all that will happen is him dismissing it and maybe pulling away from me. Not sure how that solves anything.

So leave him, be done with it, obviously he is not admitting what happened.

You have lost trust in him and don't seem to be able to communicate about it

Well that would be the easy male answer. I've got 4 years vested in this. Yeah I know, we aren't married but hopeful we can work on this. I know it's easy to give advice when one is not involved.

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Originally Posted by Cathy60

Well that would be the easy male answer. I've got 4 years vested in this. Yeah I know, we aren't married but hopeful we can work on this. I know it's easy to give advice when one is not involved.

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You're correct. It's not easy to give advice when one is not involved. But you asked for our opinions, our advice, and we're giving it. It's pretty good advice too, unbiased, not colored by being smack inside the problem.

Here's the easy female answer: If you stay with him, you will have four more years invested in this "threesome." In fact, in ten years, you'll have even more years invested in it, since I'm guessing she will still be around.

Why are you hopeful he will work on this? He hasn't so far, at least not work on it the way you want him to (i.e. give her up). Would he go to couple counseling? I'm guessing no, since to him there's no problem. YOU own the problem, so maybe you should go to counseling alone and figure out what to do?

Thank you Wondergirl. Yes I appreciate the advice on here. Just sometimes when you get a quick short answer to the tune of "just be done with it", it doesn't really help. Couples counseling is something I will suggest and I know he will go... so again thanks. I'm also going to have a more serious talk with him on this than I have in the past. Men and women talk, think and do things differently. We can't expect the other to totally understand us unless there is communication.

I welcome any more advice and if you've been in this situation, what worked?

What seems like a complicated problem to new members is really the same old-same old problem to the long-timers here on this site. We read the same or similar relationship or pregnancy or animal care problems week after week after week. Rather than patiently speak to each new member, it's too easy to give a short, sometimes gruff answer. I apologize for our impatience.

Men and women talk, think and do things differently. We can't expect the other to totally understand us unless there is communication.

A man named John Gray got a doctorate through a correspondence course and then made a fortune writing seventeen books on men's and women's very different communication styles (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus).

Please keep us informed as to how things are going.

The way I read this,she's his ''pet project''-and it makes him feel good to have a younger female ''relying'' on him.

I've not been in your situation,but I do feel that your feeling uneasy about the whole thing and his being ''defensive'' when you want to voice your concerns is something that must be addressed or it may well be a dealbreaker.

Counceling,absolutely and have that serious talk with him asap.

I suppose if I saw the same question over and over again I'd get a bit snappy myself and maybe step back. Yes, I'm a newcomer and welcome others inputs including and especially someone who may have walked in my shoes. I have been to counseling. Going to talk with him and take him. Thank you again for your advice. Maybe others will share more.

Cathy I know how hard it is going through this situation, believe me many of us know how it feels when partners do things we just do not like, and I have to be honest, all the counseling in the world won't change him.

Until he gets his wake up call, that you will not allow this behavior, he will have no incentive to change, nor will he agree to boundaries with you. These stories always end up the same way, when one partner has had enough they will leave. It's a matter of which one of you has enough of the other first.

Either way, your 4 year investment goes down the tubes. I truly hope he agrees to go to counseling, and changes his ways, but its not likely, but what is likely, is the misery and pain you will suffer until something does happen to change what's going on now.

I will admit that I am a bit confused about the amount of time that he has been involved with this woman. In one post, you say that he met her last year. In another, you say that it has been two years. How long have you been trying to talk to him?

I know this may not be a perspective that you want to think about, but is he a 'project' for you? You speak about how much time you have invested in him (or a relationship with him) and I wonder if there is more there than time. Is there love or a very deep affection?

Why did you get back together after your break up and did you resolve the issues that caused it?

For a different perspective, how are his ties to his family? Does he have any sisters, children (daughters), cousins, etc. who he has lost contact with or who he might be using her as a replacement?

How is he in other areas of his life? Is he someone who needs to be needed but controls relationships by giving?

Amicon, somehow you got a very strong point in. Her being "needy" helps him feel more like a man and want to help her. He thinks I am or should be OK with this because I am the one he loves. He may in fact not know women enough to know that it is "not ok". He admitted that he is naïve when it comes to women. He has said that with her needs, he cannot turn his head knowing his life is in order and let her suffer... so he helps her and in turn it helps him. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel this is showing me disrespect as his g/f and plan to say as much to him.

Cat1864. He met her in Sept 2009. I may round things off so I apologize. He is not a project for me, we are a couple in love. I have no question about his love for me in all he does and says. Not things I will go into here. My main concern is his connection with her. He had broken ties with her when we got back together. She pursued him because she needed things and the sad stories surfaced. He kept them private from me so as not to upset me but opened up after a month. He asked that I just see this as a friendship between them and does reassure me that I am the one. He is in touch with his family frequently. You do have something with the "is he someone who needs to be needed but controls relationships by giving".

By the way, I think this lady has figured him out as needing to be needed. Counseling may help? Not sure.

I believe you are right. He will need his wakeup call. I have friends who tell me not to say anything. It will pass. I say, I better talk about this... for myself at least. He needs to know how I feel. If he loves me as much as he says he does, he will make changes. If not and he leaves, I have my answer.

I meant to address you as Talaniman... sorry :)