Ask Me Help Desk - Future mother in-law

Hey guys

Just after some help, advice, comments... etc, thanks.

My future mother in-law has said some really nasty things about me to my boyfriend, and she deliberately tried to split us up. My boyfriend didn't listen to her and told her she was wrong, but she still tried to talk him into splitting up with me.
My boyfriend still talks to her and they both just pretend that nothings happened. However, I can't forgive her for what she did. She's never apologized or even taken back what she said about me.

I have cut her out of my life as I don't want anything to do with her again, and I'm OK about my bfriend speaking to her. However the thing that really annoys me is when she sends Xmas cards to us. She knows how I feel about her and that I don't want anything to do with her because of what she said, but she still won't apologize. Occasionally when my bfriend tackles her about it and tells her that she must apologize she just says that she

'had her reasons for trying to split us up' or 'that I'll just have to live with what she said'.

I find this very hard to deal with as she's sending two different signals. I fell like she's trying to keep on the 'good side' of my bfriend (sending cards) as she thinks we are going to split up, and she wants to say to him 'i told you so' when it eventually happens (which it's not! ).

So basically I don't believe she is being genuine, I just fell as though she's putting on an act.
I also feel that she's gotten away with what she did.

Am I being too harsh, or am I doing the right thing by not trusting her and not having a relationship with her?
:confused: :confused: :confused:

Hi Vickii, from personal experience I don't feel you are making too much of it. My ex mother-in-law did a very similar thing to me. Hubby didn't stick up for me and it was all swept under the carpet. Trouble is, these things come back to bite you in the bum! This should have sent out warning signals that what I felt was unimportant. Years later I realised that he was never going to be on my side and we are no longer together.

You have a few choices here - sit down with your future mother-in-law to find out why she wanted to split you up and clear the air, or talk to your boyfriend about how you feel. If you don't like what your boyfriend tells you, beware - this may be the pattern of your life to come!

Kay makes some good points.

If your boyfriend won't stick up for you now, then why the heck are you still with him?

You think his mother is bad now, trust me, it will get worse. And if your bf/future husband won't stand up for you, why are you involved with him?

Another option is to sit down and talk with the mother in law, but honestly, your boyfriend has shown where his true colours lie.

Let me first say that I agree with every answer you have so far. Let me go one further though and tell you what my mother told me prior to my first marriage. "When you marry him, you marry his family." Understand that she was his mother before you were his girlfriend. She has blood ties to him, you are only a girlfriend. We can pick boyfriends and girlfriends, but we cannot pick our parents. Our parents are ours for life.

Now, please let me go on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

My boyfriend still talks to her and they both just pretend that nothings happened.

That is because she is his mother and will be for life. There is nothing you can do to change that. No matter how wrong you may feel it is, he is trying to make both you and his mother happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

However, I can't forgive her for what she did. She's never apologized or even taken back what she said about me.

You may have to be the bigger person here and forgive her. You start the new relationship with her. She may never apologize, so don't expect her to. However, if you do try to make amends with her, and you should if you care for your boyfriend, she may just learn to respect you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

I have cut her out of my life as I don't want anything to do with her again,

Then you might as well cut him out of your life too. If you marry him, she will always be in your life in one aspect or another. She will be your mother-in-law, grandmother to your children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

I'm OK about my bfriend speaking to her.

You better be, it is his MOTHER. How would you feel if he did not want you to have anything to do with your mother?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

However the thing that really annoys me is when she sends Xmas cards to us.

Again, she is his mother. If you don't like the cards, don't read them, but she will always be in your life in one aspect or another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

I don't want anything to do with her because of what she said

I am pretty sure you already know what I am going to say here. If you don't want anything to do with her, break up with him. She will always be a part of your life in one aspect or another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

but she still won't apologize. Occasionally when my bfriend tackles her about it and tells her that she must apologize she just says that she

'had her reasons for trying to split us up' or 'that I'll just have to live with what she said'.

Time to just drop the subject, grow up and be the bigger person here. Make her realize that whatever she said was wrong. But by acting in this manner you are fueling her fire. You are giving her ammunition for the next "attack."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vickii_H

I fell like she's trying to keep on the 'good side' of my bfriend (sending cards)

She may be, but he is still her son.

See Vickii, we don't know what she said, so we can only make assumptions.

I had a mother-in-law that was similar. We called her the Monster-in-law or the Wicked Bich of the South. But one day I had to stand up to her, without my ex around, only me, her and her husband. Once I did she respected me.

I feel for your situation as I had gone through a similar one over 20 years ago. And, like my mother said, when you marry your man, you marry his family.

I don't think you are making too much of this, but there are ways to overcome it.

Hey there,no I don't think you are being harsh.it was the other way around forus, my mum hates my partner with a vengeance because he is irish,its as simple as that. The first time she met him she called him a terrorist,my grandad made all kind of bomb jokes and I felt terrible.they are racist and I wanted nothing to do with it.basically mum tried everything and her power to split us up ranging from calling him at work so much his boss told her to stop,and she threated to smash his parents windows etc... we are still together and realise what a close minded person she is.sit her down and talk to her,ask her why, and if she won't tell you, tell her to grow up or leave you alone,which is what I did.by the way... he has never even been mentioned in a christmas card,its like he doesn't exist