My Gf likes another guy. But tried and "got" over him for me.

Hi my name is josh. I live in Florida. And I'm 23
Me and my girlfriend has been together for over a year (about a year and 3 months now)
And we had a bumpy relationship here and there like for example - she would be hanging out all night with her friend girl and wouldn't call me even though she promised, and me being very worried.
When I say "why?"she says I'm too cligy and I'm putting her on a leash. I was like "OK...."

Never the less over the course of a year she showed a lot of love and affection to me and I fell deeply in love with her. We talked a lot about living together and getting married once in a while in a very innocent sweet way.

But about a month or so ago me and her made a mutual friend who is into music and like going to shows. He is 4 years older then me. Me and her are very much into music ourselves so we all got along, even hung out multiple times all together over the course of the month.

And one time when I wasn't able to go to a show with them she went with just him. Next week she cracks and tells me that she likes him and told him when she got drunk with him after show. She said she wants to get over it because "nothing good is going to come out of it" and he told me that he doesn't want anything to do with it and is not going to hang out with her.any longer.

When I heard that my heart swell with pain I broke up with her. It wasn't long before we talked again because I couldn't get over her, she said she needs a month to think about things and get over him. I agreed. During these two weeks we were fighting here and there because I was really hurt and still very confused about why she did that even though she told me I'm a love of her life countless times before...

So I find out today that they were still occasionally talking to each other during these "two weeks of decision", and she said that she called him yesterday to talk about how she should stop liking him because it won't be good for anyone. On that note she says that even though she liked him she wants to get over and she loves only me, saying she has feelings for me and wants to be in a relationship still and is very sorry. She wants to "rebuild" things between us and start over.

I don't know what to do, I instinctively forgave her because I love her a bit too much for my own good but did I make a good decision?? I feel in a lot of pain still but she says its only natural and I should be more forgiving... what should I do?



Additional Details

I'm going crazy. Its only been a day since. I told her that I can't trust her anymore so we should still be together but have nothing serious. Is this safe?
We had sex tonight for the first time since I found out and I'm losing my head, she now comfortably says "i love you" and acting just the way we used too... I feel like I made a choice and now its too late to turn back... because I'm almost "okay" with it already and I'm getting sucked back into her smile, kisses and kind words.

I made it pretty clear about "free" relationship from now on because I realize now that I don't want to have anything serious with her. I think she pretty much agreed. I just still want be with her there are so many things we planned for this summer to do.. I'm still not sure god dammit

(Next week she cracks and tells me that she likes him and told him when she got drunk with him after show. She said she wants to get over it because) Exactly what is it she want's to get over? And what happened that night?


(so I find out today that they were still occasionally talking to each other during these "two weeks of decision", and she said that she called him yesterday to talk about how she should stop liking him because it won't be good for anyone.) That's a load of crap, you don't call to ask how do I stop liking you, that's her way of saying 'I like you, what are you going to do about it?'

Free relationship, that's a really bad call mate. Clearly you still love her, and even though you think you could handle her being with someone else, I'm certain that's not the case.

She is not ready to be in a relationship, and she's using you as a safety-net, first charmer that comes along and you go bye-bye..

Go no contact with her and forget about her, it's going to take some time - but it will get easier with time.

Love does not stop you being attracted to other people, however it does stop you from doing something about it.

She wanted you, but she made contact with him, she says one thing but does another, what are her actions saying?

You have now being demoted to a sex buddy, not even in the friend zone, that's quite a fall from grace.

Time to pick up your dignity, what's left of it and get moving, this relationship is dead in the water.

Start no contact.

She's over him now and he won't contact her for sure
... is there no way I can't give her a second chance?
She wants to be friends and we had sex because we both wanted...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by josh8721

so i find out today that they were still occasionally talking to each other during these "two weeks of decision", and she said that she called him yesterday to talk about how she should stop liking him because it won't be good for anyone.

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There hasn't been enough time to see what people are going to do. You only have the recent past to go by.

She hasn't had time to get over her infatuation and what both of them have said is the opposite of what they have done.

He doesn't want to 'hang out' with her but talks to her on the phone. She wants to get over him, but keeps calling him.

Your own actions are very confused too. You love her beyond all reason, but don't want to have a serious relationship with her. You want her in your bed but not in your life. But you love her and want it to work out. Stop telling yourself a fairy tale. Be honest with yourself.

You all need to spend time on your own with no contact with each other to sort through this mess. Each of you are caught up in an emotional dust storm and no one is allowing it to subside. The doubts, hurt, love, friendship, etc. keeps swirling around. Take a step back and let it all settle.

Once you have some distance and time apart. Look at the relationship and see if there really is anything there to fix. If so, work together to fix it. Use the proper tools and properly do the job instead of pretending to work on it. Drinking out of a broken glass ends up with you getting hurt and a hammer can't fix broken glass.

Good luck.

I don't think you need to rush a decision. There are reasons to hang on and there are reasons to let go. If you can't make a decision yet, then don't. Give it time to see what happens. You've already made it clear to her that you don't want anything too serious at the moment and she seems to be all right with it. You can view it this way:

1) You give her the opportunity to rebuild your trust. If she can do it, then great, if she can't, then let her go so that you don't lead each other on anymore.

2) You don't even care if she can rebuild the trust, because it doesn't matter anymore. In which case, you should just let her go now so that you don't drag out an inevitable break up.

I'm inclined to go with 1) because it seems like you're not ready to let go. So there's no harm in letting her try to rebuild your trust.

Your clinginess drove her away from you and into the arms of this other guy. As I see it, this all began with you. She may have emotionally cheated on you, but you did give her a reason to do so. I would be looking introspectively and asking yourself why you were or are so clingy.

I need to give you props. You made a bold move breaking up with her, and I think that was the best thing you could possibly do. The next great move you can make is to go NC and stay out of her life for a while only because you are now caught in a web of confusion. You need to be on your own to sort things out.

For my final point: a "free relationship" is a euphemism. You voluntarily demoted yourself from boyfriend to a friend with benefits. Situations like these are never safe because emotions are running very high; someone will get hurt, and given the fact this other guy is in the picture, chances are it will be you.

I recommend you stay single and just let her be.

I broke up with her this morning and told her not to contact me for 2 months so I could get over her unless its an emergency or someone is mistreating her. She cried over the phone about it but I cried all night about it, it was the outmost true love I've ever had and just see it go like this.. at a point it was next to impossible to let go.

I still want to be just friends eventually when I don't feel anything. And who knows, maybe more. Time will tell, we need to mature, especially her.

Thank you a lot everyone it was great help. Good luck to you all.

I think you have probably made the best decision for this moment.

If you still want or need advice, this thread will still be here. There are also several 'stickies' at the top of the Relationship Board that may have information on dealing with break-ups (including using No Contact) that might help you.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

You did the right thing for yourself, and that's seldom an easy thing to do. Time to let the emotional dust settle is exactly what you needed for YOU, and as much as it hurts now, you will be glad you did it.

Good luck, and if you have questions or need help through this thing, feel free to post.