I know many of you will attack me for this but I really need some advice here. 8yrs ago I started my current relationship with my best male friend. I had broken up with my b/friend of 9yrs and was taking it very hard. I knew what I was doing was on rebound but I didn't want to be alone. Well, my then best friend left the person he was living with to be with me and we live together now. This woman took the break-up very badly. Needless to say, our intimacy ended after about a year and a half, simply because I didn't feel that way again! We stayed together but we never talk about it, at least I try to avoid it, if it comes up, however, we do enjoy each other's company when we go out. I honestly don't know why he stays, but I really do feel that he needs to move on. Only I don't know how to say this. I know this will break him, as all he has ever shown me was love and support.
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing some kind of sentence for making his ex's life miserable..
But 6 1/2 yrs is a hell of a long time; sometimes people do less time for involuntary manslaughter! I really don't have the heart to hurt him; I mean it will kill me! But he deserves much more despise what he did to his ex. He really has done me nothing in 8yrs.

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Originally Posted by maziedazie

I know many of you will attack me for this

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Good, let me be the first.

This man has put up with your BS for a long time and doesn't deserve the pain you've already caused him. Why he stays with you is something only he can answer. But instead of bringing pain to his life, you should say what you've said here, that you feel this started as a rebound and once the feelings were gone it just managed to linger for several years. Neither of you are intimate anymore and it appears to be a match made for convenience instead of based on a normal relationship. You then tell him you will be moving out on such and such date.

You cannot predict the outcome of any relationship. You did not know that the current relationship wouldn't have worked out longer than it has. To look for reasons in the past, isn't going to help much in solving anything now. To condemn you over a failed relationship, no matter in what shape or form, is to say that none of us have ever had to end one ourselves, or none of us have ever 'done the wrong thing' either.

My advice to you is to see things for what they are. You know whether the relaionship is over, you don't need a reason, other than it is time for you to move on. To wait for your partner to make that move, may never happen. And it is not fair or honest to him, to keep the relationship going, because you don't want to be the one to end it.

How he reacts may not be predictable, or to what extent he will be unhappy, but that is live. You live, you love, and sometimes you move on.

I would think that in time he would realize that you letting him go, for all the right reasons, was the best thing you could have ever done, rather than to live a lie, and keep him believing nothing is wrong.

Both of you will survive, and live to love another day.

So, you are looking for ways to hurt him so that he will break up with you instead of you being respectful enough of his feeling to end a dead relationship yourself? This is just shameful. You are already going to hurt him enough when you tell him that you don't want to be with him and haven't for several years. But at least respect your relationship enough to end it honestly. He does deserve that. What he doesn't deserve is you inflicting intentional pain because of cowardice.

LOL, you think he will be hurt from the break up and losing you? Yeah he will until he finds someone who really does care. Then he will be happy again.

Please hurry and end his misery, so he can hurry and be happy again. The sooner the better.

One day, he will thank you.

Hell no... I'm not looking for ways to hurt him! In fact, in the 8 odd yrs we've been together, I've always respected and been loyal to him which is a lot more than I can say for other relationships I've seen!
I just know that this will not continue forever and that I should tell him to move on for his own happiness but I know it will devastate him.

He might not be as upset as you think he will. You said yourself that the intimacy is gone, that you two really aren't a couple any more. Maybe he'll feel relief that you made the first move to finally end it.

He may have been hanging on for all these years just like you have, for fear of hurting you.

No matter what you owe it to him and to yourself to end it now so that both of you can move on. You both deserve to find better.

If I didn't think he would be hurt... I wouldn't be here asking this question! Didn't come here for your sarcastic remarks talaniman! How many people do you know in a sex-less relationship, stays faithful for 8yrs?
Well, I've done that and just so you would know... it's him I'm thinking about... Not me! I'm an attractive, professional woman (in my job) who has my own home etc. I'm no fool.. so please don't make me out to be one... I'm simply asking the people here who may have experienced this kind of thing; who may have been faced with having to hurt someone they really care about but not in a sexual relationship: how do you do this?
And just so you would know talaniman... I had been prepared to stay with him as long as he is happy as opposed to seeing him broken. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing!

Mazie, the fact is, every break up hurts, even if it's only a short relationship a break up can hurt. Even if both parties are no longer in love and both want to walk away, it can hurt.

There's no easy way to do this. The only way is to risk hurting him and tell him the truth.

Either that or you continue with the relationship, which isn't fair to either of you.

We've all been in this situation at one time or another. Just like the song goes, breaking up is hard to do.

Do you really think he's happy? You may be all that and a bag of chips, but a loveless, sexless relationship for 8 years? I doubt he's as happy as you think he is.

You are both healthy, and strong, and as you say have a lot going for you. That's great. But I have seen a lot of relationships where sex isn't an issue because of DISEASE or INJURY, and the only thing keeping them together was love, and loyalty.

So don expect me to have sympathy because you stay in a relationship that you don't want to be in because you just care. Its not honest, or caring, and I would feel disgusted by a partner that stayed with me from PITY!

Get real, and get gone why don't you. That would be honest, and caring. And for the record, I was being nice, not sarcastic. Just like I am now. I just don't like it when people think they are doing someone a grand favor by being with them. That's the way you come off as some kind of arrogant person, who has sacrificed something for someone else.

Doesn't matter whether you appreciate my honesty or not, but you should have been honest with yourself AND your partner long ago, and not led him on into your own fantasy. That's LYING in my book, and how is that caring??

You have used this guy for 8 years, starting when you needed someone, now you are 8 years too late for your ex best friend.

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

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I couldn't agree more. She's making herself a martyr. Staying with someone because you don't want to hurt him is not the act of a caring person. It's selfish.

If you really don't want to hurt him, let him go so he can find someone that does want to be with him, that does love him, and that will give him the relationship he deserves.

Just want to say thanks to everyone for their input. You were all very helpful. For the first time last night, I decided to talk about it to him. Surprisingly, he is aware that the relationship started on rebound. I did not ask him to leave but we did speak about everything that's going on, which is good. He did ask however that we at least stay together for a couple months and if it's still not working then we will separate. I suppose that now that we are both aware of what's going on with each other, I can't deny him that.

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Originally Posted by maziedazie

Just want to say thanks to everyone for their input. You were all very helpful. For the first time last night, I decided to talk about it to him. Surprisingly, he is aware that the relationship started on rebound. I did not ask him to leave but we did speak about everything that's going on, which is good. He did ask however that we at least stay together for a couple months and if it's still not working then we will separate. I suppose that now that we are both aware of what's going on with each other, I can't deny him that.

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Good for you Mazie. I bet it's a huge weight off your shoulders.

I don't know about staying together for a few months. Personally I think that will just end up putting off the inevitable, but I guess a few more months after 8 years isn't that long.

Keep us posted. I'm so glad that you listened with an open mind and really heard what we were telling you, and accepted it as advice, not judgement. Too many times people come here and just want to hear what they want to hear, not the truth. You took the truth and you accepted it. That's huge, so good for you.

I wish you all the best in your future, and I hope you find someone that you can be truly happy with. You deserve that. :)

Altenweg, thanks for your support.
It really does feel like a weight off my shoulder! The reason for me agreeing to a couple months, is that 1. he lives in my house; he will need time to find some place of his own 2. I really hope he starts dating etc. so that it may be easier for him 3. In both our minds we know it will come to an end soon, I suppose it's like adusting inside before actually being apart, after all we've been together for 8 yrs.