My husband of almost 13 years for some reason is accusing me of having an affair. Well not totally accusing me what he tells me is that he can't "accuse" me until he gets proof but he definitely confronts me regularly about it. When I get ready for work he tells me "oh he likes that perfume?" or "getting all dressed up for ____?". His other complaint is that we are not as "physical" as we used to be. He says I must be getting it someplace. It's not that way at all. We have 3 small children and I work full time, I am EXHAUSTED!

At first I thought he was just joking but now I truly think he believes I am having an affair. I have not now or ever done this and it really upsets me to think he feels this way. And the person he thinks I am doing this with, well its just absurd! I have tried to talk to him about it but he refuses to cooperate. What can I do? I don't want this to affect our marriage. I am crazy about him!

I have never done this and have not done anything to lead him to that conclusion. He heard some rumor and seems to believe it. He won't tell me where he heard it just that he is waiting for proof. He thinks I am uninterested in him since we are not intimate as often. I try to explain to him that I am EXHAUSTED. We have 3 small children and I work full time. When I get ready for work he thinks the clothes and perfume I wear are for this other man. The man in question is someone I work with and if you had the whole picture you would realize how absurd this is. I love my husband very much and don't want this to affect our marriage.

Both you and your husband need to confront the person who started the rumor together. This is the best way to get the truth out in the open - especially if your husband believes the absurdity of it all.
If he doesn't want to give his sources away, then tell him he must not want to know the real truth and that it's important to you that he know you didn't do anything wrong.

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Originally Posted by jteller

I love my husband very much and dont want this to affect our marriage.

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It sounds like it already has affected your marriage. Has your husband always had a jealous streak, or is this completely new? He must at least have a selfish streak if he can't understand that three young children and a full-time job might have something to do with your not wanting to have sex as much as you used to. I'm not sure what you could do or say to convince him that his accusations are baseless. What kind of "proof" is he waiting for?

I like Akae's answer above but I do have a couple questions

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Originally Posted by jteller

My husband of almost 13 years is accusing me of having an affair. I have never done this and have not done anything to lead him to that conclusion. He heard some rumor and seems to believe it.

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Well again, I think you and your husband need to confront the person who told him this and either find out if he/she made it up or where they heard it from. Then trace it back to it's source.

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Originally Posted by jteller

He wont tell me where he heard it just that he is waiting for proof.

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I'm sorry but something else has to be up here. Either something really did happen, he is seeing someone else or this marriage is not as solid as you make it appear before all this started. Why would he need to keep that a secret? If he says he's waiting for proof then I guess that means he doesn't believe it 100% either.

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Originally Posted by jteller

He thinks I am uninterested in him since we are not intimate as often. I try to explain to him that I am EXHAUSTED. We have 3 small children and I work full time.

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Male ego being what it is, you might be exhausted but to him that's a sign that you don't care and don't want to be with him. I know women never believe this but sex is a way that men express and judge how they stand in the relationship. When it's taken out of the relationship for whatever reason the man is left wondering what's wrong and what can he do to bring back that level of intimacy.

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Originally Posted by jteller

When I get ready for work he thinks the clothes and perfume I wear are for this other man.

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Okay this is what I don't get. Did you just get a new wardrobe? If you did then I can understand why he's saying that. If you didn't then you are wearing the same things you wore prior to this event it doesn't make much sense.

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Originally Posted by jteller

The man in question is someone I work with and if you had the whole picture you would realize how absurd this is. I love my husband very much and dont want this to affect our marriage.

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While I guess it has already. Again demand to get the source of the rumor. If he won't cooperate with you and do that then flat out tell him to drop it because you are trying to resovle this and he obviously isn't wanting that.

Hun I know how demanding a life like that can be. 3 children and working ful time. Where does that leave you time for hubby.
Jealousy often comes from insecurity. Not having the time you once had for each other can take its toll. The first thing to be sacraficed is intimacy with our partner.
The best thing you can do, (which worked for me in the same situation) tell hubby as often as you can that you love him. That he's the best thing to ever happen to you. Hug him and cuggle with him. If the perfume is a change in your routine, he might jump to conclusions. What I did was tell my husband I wear it so he can think of me all day until I come home. If he's allowed to have personal calls at work, call and tell him that your thinking od him and it makes your day run smoother to hear his voice. Before you know it, he'll be doing the same thing to you.
You both need a break from the kids. I have no doubt as to how much you love them, but you need to make time for the two of you. At least once a month, plan a date with each other. Mark it on the calender and circle it with a heart. Get dressed up go out to dinner and a show or movie. No kids, just you and your husband.

I wouldn't keep defending yourself regardless of how hard it is not to. That and tryig to confront the rumor starter(which of course they would deny) would only add fuel to the fire.
Your priority is to reassure hubby you are not having an affair. I work with doctors and occaisionally the call to check up opn something or a male supervisor would call and not give my husband a messege. That caused a lot of trouble. I set limits and calling my home (supervisor was a different story. I told him to give my hubby a messege)
If that doesn't work, I suggest counselling. He may have had a bad experience with someone cheating and its rearing its ugly head.

It's been my experience that the people that accuse the other of cheating without evidence are usually the ones doing it themselves. I'd keep an eye on him.

I concur with most of CHUFFS reply, but do not feel getting a third party into the thing is worth it.
Get rid of the kids for the evening where just you and your husband can have a civilized conversation maybe over dinner and some wine and reassure him that there is nothing going on with anyone and he is the man you love. Men want some romance and reassurance as well.

I hate to be blunt, but some kind of sexual gratification is better than none. I will keep him for wondering.

If the new outfits and recent use of perfume is the issue. Stop it. It's evidence and that is a whole other issue.

Good luck to you.

Perhaps he's been feeling ignored and neglected by you. Granted you're working full time and have 3 small children so of course you're exhausted. I wonder if his "accusations" are his way of telling you, though not in the most constructive manner obviously, that he feels ignored by you. Make some time for just each other. Arrange for a sitter for the kids. Do a weekend getaway or at least a night out, just the two of you. That's the time to put on the fancy clothes and the provocative perfume. Certainly work is important but your marriage is more important so you need to put all the more time and energy into it. Maybe your husband feels that you're "married" to your job instead of him.

I agree with s_cianci, he is most likely fealing ignored and it would help if you could set at least one day, say a Friday night, apart just for the two of you. But it is also possible that he is cheating and trying to cover his own guilt by accusing you of what he has done.

Okay... if she hasn't done anything to justify an affair, she shouldn't "set aside" time for the guy.

He can pick up HIS share of the laundry, kids, housework, cleaning, cooking, errand running, bill paying, grocery shopping, organizing, doctor's appointments, daycare arrangements, ironing, folding, budgeting, whatever!

My guess is that she's exhausted from doing everything, and he still wants a little nookie like he got BEFORE they had kids. Let him handle ALL of that stuff for ONE WEEK, and she'll have the energy for sex again.

Of course, at that point, he'll be passed out over the ironing board in his bathrobe wearing mismatched socks and with a sucker that he had to take away from one of the kids before bed stuck in his hair.

Marriage counseling! If he feels neglected, he needs a more constructive way to say it, and he needs to understand that she's just too damned tired to be HIS mommy too.

Marriage counseling.

Well, of course that's what I meant. He should do his fair share around the house.

Sometimes in our zeal to be a nice human that uses logic and language as our communication skills dictate there is nothing like the old fashion honest emotional out burst. The next time man-boy makes such an insulting comment look him in the eye and with your best sailor french let him have a double barrel blast of F888k YOU. My wife advises me to tell you that the important thing is the evil eye contact, and how long you can cuss and scream at his azz. Also the most important part is too leave him with his jaw hanging and slam the bedroom door close as you retreat for one whole minute, then do the fast mad stomp out the front door, oh slam that door too. You will feel better and so will he. Oh wait my wife said if the walls don't shake, that doesn't count as a slam. That is the way you deal with a jackazz who steps over the limit and I have promised never to do that again.

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Originally Posted by jteller

My husband of almost 13 years is accusing me of having an affair. I have never done this and have not done anything to lead him to that conclusion. He heard some rumor and seems to believe it. He wont tell me where he heard it just that he is waiting for proof. He thinks I am uninterested in him since we are not intimate as often. I try to explain to him that I am EXHAUSTED. We have 3 small children and I work full time. When I get ready for work he thinks the clothes and perfume I wear are for this other man. The man in question is someone I work with and if you had the whole picture you would realize how absurd this is. I love my husband very much and dont want this to affect our marriage.

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Well here is some clarification for all of you who have responded so far. First of all let me say thank you for your suggestions and advice. Firstly he has always had a jealous streak, its just that this time its lasting for months, the accusations. Another example was when he and I talked about getting life insurance. I went out and did some checking and found a company I liked and so my husband and I met with them a couple times and before I knew it he thought I was having some fling with the insurance guy. But as soon as I stopped talking with that company and went with another one (woman agent) he was fine. This time however the man works in my office. It's a new job I took almost a year ago because it was closer to home so I could see him more often and be more available for the kids activities.

Ok, the clothes and purfume are Christmans gifts from my husband. I like what he got me and none of it is sexy so I wear it to work. The only thing I bought that is different are some new jeans. They are a different style then I usually wear but I am really tall and when I shop for jeans I buy what fits not a style. The intimacy is still there just not everyday. Its not like I have locked him out of the bedroom. I do tell him everyday how much I love him and how wonderful he is. I surprise him occasionally to go out for lunch but a night out is difficult. We live in a very rural area and finding a sitter is impossible. We do very occasionally get out when we have family over visiting but probably only a hand full of times a year. This is an area that I know we need to work on and I have been.

Any other suggestions are welcome. Thanks again.

Let me start by saying that you must be an absolute stunner for your husband to think that every guy you speak to is after you. However, as much as I agree with the other post I'm inclined to look at this from a neutral perspective. To an extent I can understand why your husband would be jealous, for starters, he's having to share you with so many people (your children included) and I know this may sound absurd but when you first got married it was just the two of you but now it isn't and that's bound to get to him. The way he sees it is that he has this really hot wife that everyone else seems to spend time with but him. Secondly, you say that you're exhausted which is probably because you are doing too much so try getting him to share the burden/load, chances are he'll be so busy with what he's doing that he won't even have time to listen to rumors/gossip (he'll be too tired as well). Lastly, he's probably insecure (anyone with a good looking wife would be) and this is something he would need to work on by himself but in the meantime please understand that men do not handle changes very well (women have a special gift you see) and while you're thinking of all the responsibilities that you both have, he's thinking of how much he misses his wife and how good she looks in the new pair of jeans she's wearing. Please do not think that I am blaming you for his insecurities (far from it) I'm just trying another point of view. Remember, when your kids are gone it will still just be the two of you he is your husband and you are his wife - make it count.

Jealousy is a problem, not evidence of love. He must seek assistance to find out what he is lacking within himself. I have many friends who eventually said it got to be too much and became more of a battle of control. I have been married for many years with a wife who considered very sexy.. 36D/25/36 125# and men look at her and hit on her often. I have seen it as a walk away at parties or clubs. But I am quite proud of my wife and proud that they want what I have. I am very secure with myself. Just another point of view.

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Originally Posted by jteller

My husband of almost 13 years is accusing me of having an affair. I have never done this and have not done anything to lead him to that conclusion. He heard some rumor and seems to believe it. He wont tell me where he heard it just that he is waiting for proof. He thinks I am uninterested in him since we are not intimate as often. I try to explain to him that I am EXHAUSTED. We have 3 small children and I work full time. When I get ready for work he thinks the clothes and perfume I wear are for this other man. The man in question is someone I work with and if you had the whole picture you would realize how absurd this is. I love my husband very much and dont want this to affect our marriage.

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This is a sign of insecurity... To me all men are the same, after a certain amount of years together men start to act more like detectives... "where you going?"... "who are you going with"... "when are you coming home"... "why didn't you answer the phone"... these are all signs of "INSECURITY".. yeah maybe your husband heard a rumor... so what! As long as you know it wasn't true you have nothing to feel guilty about, To me, he is acting childish to believe someone else then his own wife, what I would look into is who you think spread the rumor because whoever that person is, just might be trying to ruin your relatinship!.

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Originally Posted by jteller

My husband of almost 13 years for some reason is accusing me of having an affair. Well not totally accusing me what he tells me is that he can't "accuse" me until he gets proof but he definately confronts me regularly about it. When I get ready for work he tells me "oh he likes that perfume?" or "getting all dressed up for ____?". His other complaint is that we are not as "physical" as we used to be. He says I must be getting it someplace. It's not that way at all. We have 3 small children and I work full time, I am EXHAUSTED!

At first I thought he was just joking but now I truely think he believes I am having an affair. I have not now or ever done this and it really upsets me to think he feels this way. And the person he thinks I am doing this with, well its just absurd! I have tried to talk to him about it but he refuses to cooperate. What can I do? I dont want this to affect our marriage. I am crazy about him!

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Jteller, I completely understand and am going through almost the same thing! Please read my question and tell me what you think. Was your husband always like this or is it something that recently started? My husband has only been this was at my current place of employment and I am looking for a new job. I am actually thinking of quitting before I find something else in order to get this to stop because I physically and emotionally cannot take it any more. My husband has basically created this image of someone who he thinks exists but really does not, its so horribly frustrating and my heart is completely broken. I truly hope things work out better for you and myself...

Hey, even though this thread is a year and half old, I guess I'd like an update, too.

Closed.

The OP hasn't been back since January 2007.

If the OP sends me a PM, I'll open the thread again.