Ask Me Help Desk - Four Year Old Asking for Everything She Sees

Hi all, it's been so long. I'll be sure to jump in the chatty forums.

Anywhozzils,

Lately my four year old has been asking for everything she sees, on t.v. whatever other little kids have, books, movies--- really anything.

I used to give her the "Oh okay [we'll get it]". Now she just won't stop asking for this and that. I don't know what to do. I'm going to admit it's getting pretty annoying. I've moved on to "We'll see [if we can get it]"-- but she still bugs me.

She even "reminds" me to go to the store to get her whatever it is that she wanted that day when I'm on the way to work or school.

She's also now wanting to get rid of toys to get new ones. Ahhh! I've just been putting them in garbage bags and storing them in the basement.

What do I do? What should I say to her?

For those of you who don't know, I'm a first time mom, so I'm not very experienced :-P

Maybe its time to teach some economy skills. Maybe get some poker chips and say every time she does something good she gets a poker chip, and if she does a small chore (whatever she can do.. ) give her a couple. Then say that when she gets a certain amount of chips she can get one of the things she wants.

This is very typical for this age! All 4 of my children went through it.

I like the advice above, but if money is tight, you can turn it into her chirstmas list so that she has something to look forward to.

My favourite line is "Of course you can have it honey! Have you saved enough from your allowance (or in your piggy bank) yet?" If she keeps up you just use the broken record technique. "I know you want the doll sweetheart, but you still haven't saved enough for it." If you want to teach her the value of things you can even add, "When we get home we can make a chore chart and you can make some extra money doing extra chores at home. Then you can put that in your piggy bank so you can get the doll soon!" I really believe in saying yes to kids. :)

Hugs, Didi

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

This is very typical for this age! All 4 of my children went through it.

I like the advice above, but if money is tight, you can turn it into her chirstmas list so that she has something to look forward to.

I'm glad to know that this is typical, I thought maybe it's because I'm spoiling her too much or something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by grammadidi

My favourite line is "Of course you can have it honey! Have you saved enough from your allowance (or in your piggy bank) yet?" If she keeps up you just use the broken record technique. "I know you want the doll sweetheart, but you still haven't saved enough for it." If you want to teach her the value of things you can even add, "When we get home we can make a chore chart and you can make some extra money doing extra chores at home. Then you can put that in your piggy bank so you can get the doll soon!" I really believe in saying yes to kids.

I think I'm going to start the poker chip/ piggy bank thing. I know my daughter and those coins and dollars would be lost in no time.

Thanks for the advice guys.

Along with it being normal for most kids to want what they see, the "Oh, ok, we'll get it" and the "We'll see if we can get it" have set you up as well. It sounds as though that she has pretty much gotten what she has wanted thus far, so naturally she would expect that to continue.

The earning it is a wonderful idea. She can earn stickers, coins, etc. Keep in mind, however, that is it OK to sometimes say "no, we aren't going to buy that", because there will be times where it is something you simply do not want her to have. You can then offer an alternative perhaps if you choose to.

All kids need to learn that they can't have everything they want and you do them no favors to confuse the message. I think I handled this well, as my son is 16 and never became greedy or demanding but rather is willing to work for what he wants, and seems to really appreciate what he has for a long time after he gets it.

When he was small, I did not allow my son to ask for things in stores. I made it clear by telling him, "today we're shopping for the things on mommy's list only and aren't going to ask for other things". I stuck to my guns and did not cave and buy the candy in the checkout or the toy that was a "good deal". Once in a while I put candy or gum on my list, but not every time. If he nagged or whined for things, I reminded him once that we weren't behaving that way and the second time was a time out. If that didn't work, I brought him home and we didn't buy anything.

I occasionally rewarded him - often with something that didn't cost money, like stopping at the playground on the way home from shopping, or by telling him, "you were such a big helper today, Mommy will let you pick two extra stories tonight". These things were as exciting to him as buying something and I felt taught him that not all pleasant things have to be bought.

Sometimes I put "$5 surprise" on my shopping list or something of that nature and when we got to that item, I would tell him, "well, I have $5 surprise on my list today for you - would you like to pick something out?" I then made sure he was aware what his choices were within that price range.

When he saw ads for things on television he wanted, I would say, "that costs money - we would have to have money to get one of those - do you want to save for that?" If he really wanted it we would add the item to his "wish list". He got a small amont of allowance and also got money for other things like birthday presents, surprises from grandparents and so on and I sometimes would give him extr money for fun. This worked better than just buying him what he asked for - what he wanted might cost $24 but he might have to use money from his piggy bank, grandma and the $5 I might give him to come up with that $24 and it made the expense more real for him. He became pretty discriminating about what he bought and appreciated things more than I think he would have if I just handed them to him after a tantrum.

For birthdays and holidays with gift giving involved I made clear he could provide a list of suggestions but made clear that he might get something that wasn't on the list, might get one things, etc and that asking for something for a gift didn't mean that's what he was getting. We got what he wanted if it was in our budget but as he got older and the items got more spendy, we'd give him money toward the item instead of going over our budget. So we might give him $50 but not buy a $200 Ipod. He'd have to save allowance, do extra chores, etc. to make up the difference and add gifts from other relatives to it.

Some people might think it's cheap but I limited spending to what made sense for our means. I also gave my son ways to earn things. For example, when he got to an age where he wanted a cell phone, I explained that is a costly item and wasn't going to just buy it - it required a certain level of maturity to have something like that. So, I was having issues with him doing his homework on time and made a deal that if his homework was on time in every class for a semester, he could get a cell phone - keeping the phone depended on keeping the homework current. He earned the phone and lost it for a few weeks here and there when homework was late, but soon learned his lesson and that problem has been solved.

So yesterday Rachel decided to throw her music box. I got pretty mad at her for doing that. I told her she could not get another one because she needs to learn to appreciate things.

I'm not buying her any toys, candy or really anything she doesn't need (i.e. clothes, shoes, socks, undies... that sort of thing).

I'm a making the right decision? I'm not going to be buying her anything for a long time-- like at least 3 months.

She's become this little spoiled brat that thinks she can replace things and be bought things whenever she wants- it was like a weird overnight change.

She doesn't throw tantrums at the store--- or ever really has. What she does is get sad and cried or whimpers-- that's her style I guess.

How should I deal with this? I don't want her to grow up to be a spoiled little bratty girl :-(

You could start her on a little allowance for simple chores and let her earn some money to buy some small things that she would like to have. For something a bit bigger, you can make a chart with the goal at the top. She can color in spaces or place stickers in them as she does helpful things and makes good choices. This way she sees her progress towards her goal.

Four year olds usually like to be pretty helpful, so you won't find it too difficult to teach her the value of contributing. Right now there will be extrinsic rewards... later on, as she matures, there will be a shift to more intrinsic rewards.

The bigger ticket items can be saved for birthday and holiday type gifts.

Don't replace the music box, but putting a moratorium on treats for three months will only teach your chlid you think she's a bad person. She's not bad - she's been rewarded for a long time for acting badly and it's what she knows.

Forget the "big consequence" and start fresh. First, get a good parenting book that explains developmental stages because you will be less angry with and worried about your daughter if you learn "Oh, this is what 4 year olds do". That will help you to keep your cool when she exhibits a bad behavior because instead of making you fear you're raising the bride of frankenstein, you'll know, "this is annoying, but at least she's developing normally".

Also recognize though that even if a certain thing is a "stage" it will not pass until the child has been taught to manage that particular challenge. Whining can be managed by first, teaching your daughter what whining is. Use different tones of voice to say, "this is my whining voice, this is my regular voice. We do not use whining voices and if we do, we get a time out". Every time she whines, tell her, "that is your whining voice and it hurts my ears, so you will need a time out. You must use your regular voice." Follow through.

Same with tantrums. If she has a tantrum, put her in time out. You will have to be very persistent and uswe a good parenting book to learn how to do it. She she learns that tantrums always result in a time out and not getting what she wants, she'll stop pitching them. Never, ever give a child what they want if they've had a tantrum for it - even when they stop the tantrum - once that starts, they loose what they wanted. Otherwise you'll start a new behavior of having a tantrum, then calming down and getting what they wanted. The objective is to have no tantrum at all. Sometimes you may have to leave where you are which can also make a good point with the child, such as "oh, too bad - I really wanted to swim but you are having a tantrum so we have to go home." Follow through - do not ever bribe a child out of a tantrum with, "if you stop we'll get ice cream" or whatever - this just makes the tantrum a thing of value and very useful for gaining control.

For the greed, eliminating whining and tantrums will help. Also take the focus off material rewards. Plan your shopping trips so your child knows what you're planning to buy and that it's in the budget. Use trips to the playground, an extra bedtimes story, the choice of a children's video to watch on a Saturday morning or things of that nature as rewards, and don't make buying something the only reward, or create any feeling that it's more enjoyable or better than rewards that don't cost anything. Make your child earn the rewards. For example, if they are learning to help with a chore like picking up the toys, give them a star each day they really do their best to clean up right away when asked without complaining - after they earn 5 stars, they can choose a movie to watch at home, or can choose one extra book to check out at the library - it doesn't have to be some fancy $25 doll all the time.

If it is something to buy, don't automatically give your child enough to get the big thing they really want - get them used to the idea that sometimes we go to the store to look at what we want or need and find out what it costs. Then we go home and plan to get it another time when we have saved enough money. Or make them wait until a birthday or Christmas - have the fun of a new thing is the nervous anticipation of hoping for it, and if you just hand it over for no reason, you suck the fun out of the gift, and it's really not appreciated.

So anyway - teach her not to whine and have tantrums, come up with a chart for the refrigerator where she can earn one star a day for something reasonable you want her to do that she's capable of doing every day, and come up with what she can earn in one week, or ten days so she has something to work for. If she wants something spendy, she has to wait for it until there's a good reason for her to have such a thing - a really big accomplishment to be rewarded, or she's saved the money, or it's her birthday, for example. And if something is junky, feel free to say, "we aren't going to get that toy - I don't think it's worth the price, it's not made that well". Or, "I don't like that toy because it comes with guns, so we'll choose something more appropriate", or "you have three barbies already - that's enough, but if you like, you may choose one new outfit for the barbies you already have." Keep in mind that you are teaching your child now how to manage money and set expectations of other people for the rest of her life. Do you want her to spend herself into bankruptcy when she's twenty? Or loose a really great guy because the only way she believes that he loves her is if he constantly spends money on her and indulges her? Give her the gift of learning that things like extra time with her mother reading is really a great thing of value and something worth earning, or a day at the playground with Daddy, and that we don't need or even want most of the stuff at the stores.