I've been married 3 years to the best lover I've had, he does do oral sex on me and it feels good, but not great. However I can reach orgasm with a sex toy by myself. What I've realized is this though, if I am upset with him, I can't even feel those good feelings alone, but it's almost like there are 3 levels of feeling for me sexually.

With the husband doing oral sex, good, when I use the sex toy great, how to get my body and mind to allow it to be in the best possible spot with the husband, has anyone else experienced what I am talking about?

This is the norm, it is often easier for the women to reach orgasm either by herself or by other manual stimulation.
The issue with husband is that you have to give him exact ( and I mean exact) details as to what you like, want and enjoy)

Perhaps you reach a orgasm together with toys or the such, and move on from there

Very common. Being that it is our own body, and our own hands/whatever, we know exactly what we want, and how to get it. Where to put a vibrator/finger, where NOT to put it, when to stop, when to speed up, all the tiny little details between.

Our men have a harder time figuring all that out.

Try some verbal sex. While having sex, use your words. 'oh right there' or 'just a little bit down' or 'do that more' etc. so that he can know exactly what you are wanting. And our men absolutely get off on hearing us telling them verbally what we want out of sex. :)

Thanks for your thoughts, I did hear Dr. Oz say as women age, the clitoris gets harder to find, so us women know better where it is for sure :)