I am a divorced dad with four children who haven't spoken to me in seven or eight years.I haven't stopped trying to see them and be involved in their lives.I have tried family therapists,parent coordinators etc since my divorce but the parental alienation from my ex and her family has been too damaging to allow anything to work. I am remarried to a wonderful woman with three great kids. I have been contributing towards private school for my kids for the past seven years and my oldest is going to college this year,my oldest said to me in a letter to (stay out of my life).I have had enough, I do not think that I should have to pay for private school or college for children who refuse to have a relationship with their father. I do pay child support and feel that is enough. Any thoughts or advice?

What does your divorce decree say? Are you asking whether you should go back to Court OR is this a moral obligation?

Its in my divorce decree to contribute however,if the child refuses to have a relationship with the parent it can be changed.

Are you saying it CAN be changed in NM if the child wants no contact with the father OR are you asking if it can be changed?

I am reading that the terms of the divorce agreement are what they are unless/until you go back to Court and attempt to modify them. I believe the Court will look at educating your children as part of your responsibility to them, regardless of whether you like each other. College is not a reward for interacting with your parents.

That's the purely legal (not personal advice) angle.

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Originally Posted by nmdad

Its in my divorce decree to contribute however,if the child refuses to have a relationship with the parent it can be changed.

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Are you asking or telling us it can be changed? ANY question on law needs to include your general locale as laws vary by area. Is it in your divorce decree that it can be changed or do you believe the law allows it.

I moved this to the Family Law forum since you seem to have a legal issue since its in the divorce decree. But from a moral perspective a child that sends you a letter stating "stay out of my life" should be told that you would be glad to but staying out means financially as well.

However, if the divorce decree states that you are required to contribute to secondary educational expenses then you must go to court to get the decree changed if you want to stop contributing. Whether a court will grant that request is guesswork.

Hello n:

I don't know what happened in your life that you wouldn't/couldn't have a relationship with your kids. But, whatever it was, it happened a LONG time ago, and, apparently hasn't been fixed.

To expect that it has been, or that it should have been, or that it wasn't your fault, or that it should be ignored, or forgiven, or ANY of that stuff, WITHOUT having the long overdue adult conversation with your ADULT children, is an UNREALISTIC expectation.

Then to hold MONEY over their heads because of YOUR unrealistic expectations is to insure that you'll NEVER have the very relationship you SAY you want.

excon

What exactly does the order say in it? The wording is important. Also what are the ages of all the children involved and are you trying to change your current custody / relationship mode ?

Expert? Are you kidding? In what? You don't have a clue what fathers go through to see their children or how unfair the court system is. Parental Alienation is a huge issue that the court system could care less about. This wasn't a long time ago, I live this and miss my kids every day. Money doesn't buy love.

It would have to be changed in court

Then you would have to argue changed circumstances. With this economy, depending on how your income/expenses have changed, you MIGHT be able to get it modified/reduced/changed.

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Originally Posted by nmdad

Any thoughts or advice?

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Hello again, n:

How did I know you were going to respond like that??

You PROVE my point. You asked for ANY thoughts... You DIDN'T say that you only wanted thoughts that AGREED with yours. If you had, I wouldn't have answered... But, you, in effect, SET ME UP - just like you're doing with your children. Nuff said.

excon
A very SMART expert

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Originally Posted by nmdad

Parental Alienation is a huge issue that the court system could care less about.

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First, please use the Answer options for follow-up questions or info, not Comments.

Second, you can disagree with what someone posts in response, but please refrain from personal attacks like what you posted. You did ask for any thoughts and as long as a response does not violate our rules its valid. If you feel it does violate the rules then report it.

Yes we are aware that Parental Alienation is a big problem. I am torn because I agree with excon to some extent. But I also think that children can think for themselves.

But the bottom line here is the legal issue. You cannot violate the terms of the divorce decree. If you want to change it, you need to go back to court. And I doubt if you will get it changed because your children don't want you in their lives.