I have been married for 10 Y and we have 3 children, 8Y and younger. 2 diagnosed with ADHD. Wife is overwhelmed and will not accept my help. I spent the last week getting the kids out of the house for school, and I put them to bed in the (most) evenings - brushing teeth, baths, stories. Kids are very active in after school activities, and that leaves not a lot of time for us. She shouts at the kids, and is always threatening them to get them on task (you're going to lose this favorite toy/privilege or that). I escalate to shouting too (ADHD kids are tough), but I'm trying to control myself. The chaos in the morning is really what led me to take over getting them to school, and there is a lot less shouting when I do it. She and I talk more on the phone when I'm at work, than when I'm home at the end of the day. When the day ends, she watches TV and I fart around on the computer. She complains to me about me incessantly, that I don't sit with her and the like - but I feel like when I do sit with her, she is like a bump on a log - no interaction. Also - we have wildly divergent tastes when it comes to entertainment (she's DWTS & Soaps gal and I'm History Channel & Discovery Channel guy). We do both like Dexter! When I do try and speak to her at night, I get is things like; "What? I don't want to talk about it. This is my quiet time." Feels like we're living separate lives in the same house. We're happy together on vacation (we're DVC members) - so we try to take a lot of those. Tough on 1 income.

She told me that my taking over the kids in the morning broke her rhythm and that she wants to go back to the way it was before. I suspect it's going to get bad for the kids again, and that I will have to step in again - not looking forward to that argument. I'm not her and, try as I might, I can't help but do some things different with the kids. This is often pointed to by her as me 'doing it wrong.' I disagree, but hold my tongue for the sake of keeping the peace in front of the kids.

She's a intelligent and tough woman, and we're both strong leaders - your typical Type A personalities. I'm struggling with my inability to solve this problem, and she's struggling with me not doing precisely what she wants. So here I am, I love my kids & I love my wife. Anyone else had success solving this type of problem?

This type of conflict, particularly with ADHD kids, is confusing. They need structure, and a united approach to discipline and routine.

Without that, or without managing that part well, your wife is probably exhausted, and as the kids grow and their needs change, she continues to sort of regress to techniques that are no longer effective- threats, yelling, etc. I doubt that she carries through, or has the skills she needs to manage these children properly.

Your approach is different, and the new routine of you taking over what she would normally do, while being positive for the children, is not a long term solution. It sounds like the two of you will eventually butt heads, with her now wanting 'her' routine back in the mornings. This only makes things more confusing for the kids.

The first thing I suggest the two of you do, is sign up for counselling to address the needs of the children, and learn the best ways to manage their behaviour. It is hard enough without having ADHD thrown in the mix, and in my opinion, almost impossible with some practical, outside advice and guidance.

Once that has been established, then you can start thinking of just you and your wife, on a personal level. Get help in that can follow a program for the kids, and the two of you get out of the house for an evening, or even a weekend away together. Enlist the help of family if you can to follow any parenting plans set up, so that everybody is on the same page.

But, the first, and most important part right now is to deal with the conflicts in the parenting, and realize that until the two of you learn how to manage the kids, things will probably get worse, not better. Take the step to seek outside help.

With any luck, and a little hard work, this situation will turn around quickly. Best of luck to you.

She sounds very much like my ex which gives you a clue as to how it was solved in my case.

But I have learned a lot since that happened and hopefully can contribute some ideas at least.

Seriously , since you say you do your best communicating over the phone (I'm glad it wasn't through texting) I would start there with working on communication with her.

I'd point out to her that I know she is an intelligent woman and that being so, she must know that differences can always be worked out between partners as long as they can calmly rationally talk about it.

My ex and I went to counseling trying to work things out, the counselor told us something I thought to be quite stupid when I heard it, but found it to be an amazing amount of help in communicating.

She said that when you know the subject you are going to discuss is one that has potential to become a shouting match, or during a conversation if tempers start to rise,
You sit where you can face each other and hold hands. And for no reason let go of your partners hands, then you look right into her eyes and say "I love you and I want to work this out" then have your talk.

It is amazing how much this influenced the ability to remain calm and make you more receptive to what is being said.

A point I would bring up is that you are the father and should be involved in all aspects of raising the children which includes the morning madness of getting up and ready for school.
Maybe you could alternate days or weeks and it could take some of the pressure off.

The pressure of raising children is great enough but with the added burden of ADHD to deal with I understand what a challenge you face.
One of my daughters is a special education teacher specializing in kids with ADHD and Downs syndrome so she has taught me much.

My best advice to you is to work on communication with your wife. That is the key to success in anything involving people.
If you can talk and be willing listen you can get through anything.
And I mean anything.

Communicate , communicate , communicate.

The three words that mean success.

A marriage is a give and take never ending process that keeps going as long as the partners are willing. I suspect that both you A types thinks you know better than the other, and have no problem asserting yourselves so there are bound to be conflicts and I can tell you after being married for more than 30 years, you have to shut up and let them do it their way, give some to get some, and just keep working at it while you stay within the boundaries of good behavior.

Your wife was overwhelmed once, and is bound to be again, so step back, be a good partner, and ready to step in when needed. You are probably overwhelmed yourself truth be told, so back up and get yourself prepared for when she is again.

As long as you keep talking, and listening, you will keep working. Change takes years, and marriage is a process of cycles that takes constant adjustments. Sometimes it works very well, sometimes it won't. As long as its working, keep working with it.