I am divorced with a 12 year old. My boyfriend is divorced and has 3 children and sees them a few times during the week and every other Saturday. We are thinking about moving in together in my home. Just him with out the children. We have talked about his children sleeping over every other weekend and I am against is because of my son. When I mentioned it to him. He got upset. Any ideas how we can deal with this. I am ready to end the relationship. Help!

The only thing I can say is that unless you're ready to integrate lives, don't move in together.

His children are just as precious to him as your son is to you. You have every right to have your son's best interests as a first priority. Don't expect him to sacrifice time with his children in favor of you or your son-would you do the same for him?

Don't move in together. It seems unfair to all four children. Give the relationship more time to grow and if you still can't allow his life to come together with yours (his life includes his children whether you like that or not), then maybe you need to reevaluate the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

If you aren't willing to accept his kids then yes, you should break off the relationship.

How would you feel if he told you he'd like to move in with you, but your son isn't welcome? I'm betting that wouldn't go over so well.

His kids come first in his life. If you can't accept them, then he should find someone that can.

Got to disagree here - I'm not sure his kids do come first in his life - or should come first IF he decides to remarry. When it's a girlfriend, no commitment, different story.

If the attitude now, at the beginning of living together, is that his kids are somehow not welcome, not invited, in the way, they will feel that attitude.

If you can't accept him AND his children it is time to move on - do him and the kids a favor. Walk away.

I'm a 5 times stepmother. When a man has children you also "marry" the kids. If you aren't prepared for that, walk away!

I've got to ask - how would you feel if you "ex" had a new girlfriend/wife and she didn't want YOUR son around - ?

From a dads perspective Im appalled by what has been said. If you(op) had said that to me and were serious about it I would have kicked you to the curb. Its bad enough dads don't get a fair shake in the courtrooms of America. What he has is a court ordered standard. It is typical of today's world. Combined with the fact that he actually wants to participate in his children's lives Im just amazed you would even think of something like that. Any relationship comes with a myrid of past attatched to it. You already knew this and choose to fight it? Why?

Its one of the most selfish things I have read while participating on these boards.

I think it comes down to my last question. She has a son. Wonder how she'd feel if the "ex's" new girlfriend/wife felt this way about HER son? She'd be posting her brains out about the nasty stepmother.

And you're right. Appalling!

Your boyfriend and his children are a package deal. If you accept one, you accept all.

You sound like a very selfish person. They are CHILDREN, they did not choose their life situation.

He has every right to be upset... your son isn't any more special or deserving than his kids are.

If you couldn't treat MY kids equal to your own... I wouldn't just be upset, I'd throw you out to the curb myself.

I am not sure what I think because I may be a bit confused.

Who got upset? Your boyfriend when you didn't want to have his children stay over or your son when told he would be sharing his home every other weekend?

How long have you been divorced and how long have you been in this relationship? How long has he been divorced and does he currently keep his children every other weekend? What about school vacations and Holidays?

Does your son spend weekends with his father? If there is a conflict between the children, could they stay over on nights when he is with his father?

If your son is the one who is upset, have you found out why?

I hope he has already left you, you are asking him to give up visits with his child, how sick and awful thing to say. You are not worthy of this man. He should not only be upset but be running from you, since you are not being fair at all, he is accepting your child.
What if he said, your child could not live with you and him and for you to let the child's father keep him every weekend.

I can't believe anyone can be so uncaring about the other person as you are.

Cat brings up a very interesting interpretation that I hadn't thought of.

I'd be interested to know if it was your son who got upset when you mentioned your boyfriend's children staying over or if it was your boyfriend who got upset when you said his children couldn't stay over.

If it WAS your son you're referring to, then I would ask how you would let him call those types of shots in your house.

I also wonder how any woman with a child would accept a man in her life would WOULD be willing to give up time with his own children just like that. I mean, I would certainly want a man who has a strong sense of family values, not one who throws away precious time with his children. Just more of my two cents.

Everyone has had great points! I agree with all of them, you are a selfish woman, and to think you actually have your own son and can't even understand how this man feels with you rejecting his children! You have insulted him beyond repair... do you think they just appeared out of nowhere?

Was discussing this with a friend today. She had another point of view. This woman is looking for help, not criticism - and I criticized her.

She sees what the problems will be and has come to the decision that it might be in her best interest to leave the relationship.

When there are children from previous relationships there simply are problems at some points - maybe not serious problems but problems just the same.

OP is wise enough to see that. Whatever her reasons are and however she explains them she owes it to herself to take an honest look at the relationship, her thoughts, her feelings, her future - and that of her son - and make an appropriate decision.

Maybe if she stays, he moves in, it will be a very unhappy relationship.

I dated someone - and I've posted this before - MUCH older than I was. His children were older than I was. There were problems with his youngest daughter, and I just had the feeling she would always be a problem. I wanted children; he did not - he had children; I wanted a house in the country; he wanted a condo in the city. Daughter was a constant issue, "emergency" after "emergency." I began to resent her very much. I knew I couldn't live with that resentment stuck in my throat.

We parted ways. I married, he married. I heard years later that the same daughter caused so many problems that his second marriage broke up.

As painful as the breakup was, it could have been MUCH worse. Sometimes you just know.

- so I apologize for criticizing. Seems she already was criticizing herself.

The problem comes in with this very telling line from the OP:

We have talked about his children sleeping over every other weekend and I am against is because of my son. When I mentioned it to him. He got upset. Any ideas how we can deal with this.

That speaks volumes to me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by califdadof3

The problem comes in with this very telling line from the OP:

We have talked about his children sleeping over every other weekend and I am against is because of my son. When I mentioned it to him. He got upset. Any ideas how we can deal with this.

That speaks volumes to me.

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You misunderstood me, I think. OP is very frank - she doesn't want HIS children sleeping over every other weekend because of her son. That's her being honest.

Why? I have no idea. Is her son a problem? Are his children problems? I don't know.

I think if she sees there is going to be resentment or problems she walks away - does everyone a favor, including herself.

Is the boyfriend rightfully upset? Of course. He's welcome but his children aren't?

BUT - if she feels in her heart that this is going to be a problem she owes it to HERSELF to walk away.

Of course I'm still stinglng from the thread where the OP hated her husband's child by the ex-wife who raped him (actually I think she said she rapped him) and then he married her and it went on and on and OP kept changing her story. That woman had no idea where she was coming from. This woman does.

I agree that we may have jumped on the OP a little too quickly because of the emotional nature of the topic.

If she cares to offer more information, I think it would help us to help her figure out if she should be walking away from this relationship.