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Recently my girlfriend of 2 years told me that she wanted to take a break. We are in a long distance relationship but we have been together with each other for about a year. Right now I live in Japan and she lives in America and it's been 3 months that I haven't seen her in person. I always thought we were a solid couple and I still love her a lot. I talked to her on the phone today and told her my true feelings. She said that the reason she wants to take a break is because she only has 1 month left of college studying abroad in America before she comes back to Japan to study, and wants to spend time with friends there before she has to return to school in Japan. I'm really confused because she said she loves me and stuff but that she just feels conflicted because she wants to spend time talking to me and also doing things with her friends and that she doesn't have time for both. On the phone she was crying so much. Since to me a "break" seems like breaking up I asked her a couple times on the phone if she wanted to just break up and she said no. Even during that phone call I was really confident and was joking around with her and stuff a little later on. I was understanding and agreed with her and I said although I don't want to take a break that if she really wants one, and there is a chance that our relationship would be better because of it in the future, that I agree. There was lots of emotions and we really clicked still. She kept saying how selfish she feels but that her friends were giving her so much pressure and she wants to enjoy the small amount of the rest of her time there. She knows that I really care about her because I moved here and found a job so I could be with her.

She definitely takes our relationship seriously and said that she can't wait to see me in a month and stay at my place and sent me like 5 messages a day. That was one week before she broke up with me. It's been rough ever since I came to Japan one month ago though because we don't talk as much. I have told her we could talk maybe only once a week to give her space and time to enjoy the rest of her study abroad but we did that for a couple weeks and now she says that since we never talk she feels like she doesn't know me anymore! It's hard because I don't have a cell phone and the time difference is so big we haven't been talking as much since I got here.

I'm working in Japan so I figured I will see her in a month, which makes me so surprised that she would break up with me a month before we will see each other again. Maybe it is true that she just wants to have more time with friends and stuff but I get the feeling she likes another guy. Why else would she just change so suddenly towards me? One week before she broke up with me she sent me messages about how she was so in love with me and that she could never have a better boyfriend. I was always appreciative and let her know how much I loved her and very open to her going out with friends. I have told her before too that I don't care if she dances with other guys and stuff at bars, because I don't want to be one of those creepy possessive boyfriends. I feel like she may find a guy she is really into but that after the "honeymoon" stage of a few months she will realize how good she had it with me. I was always relaxed with her hanging out with other guys because I know that it will be super hard for her to find a boyfriend as laidback, social, and fun as I was with her.

I just feel so heart broken. We are both in our early 20's and this is my first big break up. On top of that I am in Japan, starting a new job and don't know anyone here. I don't have anyone to talk to here and Im having second thoughts about why the hell I'm here, because part of the reason I came here was to be close to her.
I'm still very much in love with her and I have told her all this but I don't think she feels the same anymore. I honestly think that if we were in the same place together things would be fine but just because the distance we have lost track of each other. I always made sure she new how important she was to me and never took her for granted. I want to know if anyone has advice on how or what to do to get her back? Should I give her lots of space for a couple weeks or so? Should I still send her messages occasionally or is it better if I just stop talking to her?

I haven't talked to her for one week and it is so excruciatingly painful because I think about her 24/7. I want to appear confident though and not clingy and give her space. She always talked about a future together so I never expected this. She has to come back here in 1 month to start school so I feel like even if she got with someone else in America she is going to have to do a long distance thing with them for at least a year when she comes back here so it confuses me cause Im here now and can be with her for a whole year at least when she comes back! I guess I shouldn't worry about her finding a new guy as she is probably doing a rebound and it can only last a maximum of about a month anyway before she leaves the country unless she does a long distance thing with him. Still I can't sleep thinking about her being with another guy.

I want to know how can I get her back? My plan now is to call her cell phone in a couple weeks so that will be 3 weeks after we broke up and just to be friendly to her and not talk about our relationship. Im conflicted because I don't want to push her away at all but I feel like talking to her really helps and the longer I wait the harder it might be for her to do so. I asked her when we took a break if it was cool if I could call her just to talk as friends week later. She said "maybe", but I'm thinking I won't call her for at least 2-3 weeks just to give it more time. Theoretically we are still taking a "break" but I have been preparing myself as though we broke up. She promised me that she would see me when she got back to Japan, but I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to see her.

Any advice or thoughts about my situation are greatly appreciated.

If a woman tells you she wants a break , it means just that

Time away from being committed and time away from you.
(away... not referring to distance physically)

And the brutal truth of these breaks is that 99% of the time they are permanent , and meant to be so when she tells you.
Saying they love you and you're a good boyfriend is called letting you down easy.

As sad as it is I would advise you to get ready for the worst because it most likely has happened.

Go no contact ,that is giving her the break she requested.
Also staying in touch makes it harder to accept the reality of the break , and it will be hard enough as it is.
I know.

I have seen this too many times to tell you anything else but the brutal facts as I have seen them played out , and there is not a single instance that I remember where a break was taken , and the couple reunited and were happy.

Most of the time , the party that calls for the break has another agenda in progress and is moving on .

That is how I have seen this work time after time.

Break=break up and you should act accordingly.

No contact don't do the friendly phone call,disappear from her life, start living your own and heal.

She's dating someone else at the moment but wants to keep you in Japan waiting for her when she returns. When she comes back she wants a free place to stay, but does not want to do any girlfriend activities. When she comes you should NOT be available to her. She is walking away from you, so you do not owe her a free room and board at this point.

A break is woman talk for a break up. Accept it please, because the sooner you do, the sooner you will move forward. I know you are in a strange land, but man how many people get to spend there early 20's in Japan, please as someone in his 30's I beg you to love where your at in life for the moment and not the woman who has broke up with you. I know it's tough, but enjoy Japan while your there because it probably won't be forever.

Sorry guy, but any time a partner needs a break, give it to them, and consider it over. You and your feelings are no longer a priority for her.

I'm conflicted because I don't want to push her away at all
You aren't pushing her away, she is WALKING away from you. Leave her alone!

But I feel like talking to her really helps and the longer I wait the harder it might be for her to do so.
You may feel like YOU need to talk to her, and thats understandable. FACT is though she told you thats NOT what she wants!!!

I asked her when we took a break if it was cool if I could call her just to talk as friends week later. She said "maybe",
Maybe?? Maybe??? That would be enough of a hint for me, and its time to disappear from her life, and grieve, so the healing can begin.

But I'm thinking I won't call her for at least 2-3 weeks just to give it more time.
A few years would be better!!!

Theoretically we are still taking a "break" but I have been preparing myself as though we broke up.
Now thats the smartest thing you have said, but a break is not a theory, its a big red flag that her feelings have changed, and may never change back.

She promised me that she would see me when she got back to Japan, but I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to see her.
You can't build a life that you enjoy, or do your thing on a promise. If that promise gets broken you are out on a limbo with your butt blowing in the wind, when you should be protecting your own interest

Sorry guy, accept what is NOW, and maybe in a month when she returns, AND keeps that promise, you will be clear minded, and emotionally stronger to rationally deal with whatever happens. Good or bad!!

I know its rough, being you have changed your life to build it around being with her, but you better make the right adjustments for yourself, so you can do the right things for yourself, because its obvious, she ain't working with your interest in mind.

Me, if she did see me after a month, I doubt seriously if she could sway me to put my eggs in her basket any longer. Not without a lot of facts for me to make a choice, but pay attention to the red flag, as who needs a break to hang out with friends??

No people take breaks because they have another priority, or a hidden agenda, or something has distracted them from the relationship, that they need a break and don't want you in the way of it, or to prepare you for the worse.

That's why you disappear and be unavailable for their BS!! To save yourself misery, pain, and drama, and false hope. All of which you are feeling now. And then some.

The ball is in YOUR court. Do something with it that helps YOU.

I really appreciate the input. Yeah the situation is very confusing to me. As both of you pointed out she would definitely make time for me if she really cared. Also she has tons of time to hang out with friends so that's not a good excuse to break up. It seems ridiculous to me too. I'm not sure how she could change so fast from night to day in just a couple days but I guess it happens. I deleted her from my Facebook today. She really did have one hell of a catch and she will realize it one day but I'm not going to wait around for her while she screws a bunch of guys only to expect that I will take her back in a few weeks.

I'm going to cut the cord on this one. You are right I'm in my early 20's and I'm a good looking guy in Tokyo so with some time I'm sure there will be something around the corner. I have also started training early in the morning for the Tokyo marathon next year.

I appreciate all the help from everyone.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by donelly1

I really appreciate the input. Yeah the situation is very confusing to me. As both of you pointed out she would definitely make time for me if she really cared. Also she has tons of time to hang out with friends so that's not a good excuse to break up. It seems ridiculous to me too. I'm not sure how she could change so fast from night to day in just a couple days but I guess it happens. I deleted her from my facebook today. She really did have one hell of a catch and she will realize it one day but I'm not gonna wait around for her while she screws a bunch of guys only to expect that I will take her back in a few weeks.

I'm gonna cut the cord on this one. You are right I'm in my early 20's and I'm a good looking guy in Tokyo so with some time I'm sure there will be something around the corner. I have also started training early in the morning for the Tokyo marathon next year.

I appreciate all the help from everyone.

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Well done.

I have seen it take weeks for some to do as much as you have already.

It is a good idea not to wait around for someone who is not returning.
Maybe being a long distance from her and having only limited physical contact , in lieu of the daily interaction that is common, will make this easier for you. Count that as a blessing because it may be saving you from the initial devastating realization/pain trauma. Maybe.

Stay focused and strong willed , keep busy and don't dwell on the past.

It is sad, painful, and slow to pass. Be steadfast in your resolve.

Good luck with the marathon-great idea!

Threads merged and edited

I posted up a thread about my situation a couple days ago and thanks for the input. My girlfriend of 2 years wanted to go on "a break" about a week ago and yesterday I deleted her from Facebook after she sent me a "friendly message" just wanting to talk and not focused at all on our relationship. We have been in a long distance thing the last 3 months but she is coming to live where I am for at least a year in one month. When she called me to ask and said she wanted a break she was really upset and said she wanted a break but didn't want to break up. Today I got a message from her wondering why I deleted her from my Facebook. She decided to go on the break with me and right now it's still "a break" but I think it sux to be in limbo. You can read more about the situation from my other posts in the "Breaking up Forum" but basically I think she is interested in other guys and suddenly without warning wanted "a break". It feels to me like she wants to be friends and keep me around in case her new relationship doesn't work out but I can't move on if it's a maybe that we are getting back together.

Although it was really hard and I haven't sent it yet I decided to write back to her and officially break up. Since we are suppose to be doing NC I don't think I should call and since she sent me a Facebook message I feel like I can respond that way. If she is serious about us than she will have to contact me. We are basically already broken up due to "the break" and this way I feel like I can say what I want to her and move on. After I send this to her I will strictly do NC. I haven't sent her the message yet but I wrote it out. Basically I just want to show that I'm moving on and want to let her know that I wish her the best. I figured I would post it up here and get some thoughts before I send it off to her. Let me know if you have any suggestions or comments about the message.

The main reason I want to send her the message is so she knows that I'm not waiting around thinking we are on "a break". I just want to say the final things I never got to say during our phone call when she wanted to take "a break". I haven't sent the message yet and I'm not sure if I am going to. I want to here what other peoples thoughts about it are before hand and how it comes across to other people. Especially if I could get some female opinions about it.

Here's the message I will send:

I have been thinking a lot over the past week and I agree that the break was a good idea because it gave me lots of time to think about our relationship. I think it would be best though if we break up. The reasons for "the break" seem just like excuses to me, and if you really felt like I felt about you then you would be so excited to see me in a month and would always be able to make time to talk and still have plenty of time with friends. I never changed, but I think you forgot who I am. Maybe it was the long distance between us. To be honest, for me there is a really small chance that I would ever get back together with you, because I feel like in the last few weeks I have seen a totally different side of you and it's not the (her name) that I remember.

I know that you are interested in dating other guys which is why you wanted to go on the break. You are probably already involved with a new guy because thats the only reason I can think of why you would want to take a break, it's alright though with me. I want you to know that I am happy for you even if you choose to be with someone else. I really want you to find someone that can make you happy and cares for you a lot, and I wish all the best for you in the future.

This past week for me has been really amazing and I am really enjoying my time here now. The job is working out great now and working with the kids is a lot of fun. I have met tons of people and I'm now realizing how awesome it is that I'm living in Tokyo and that I have a good amount of income to do stuff with. I'm also running a lot, training to do the Tokyo Marathon in February, and really optimistic about the future. I feel like how I was when I first got to (my university in America) because everything is so new. There are so many things to do, people to meet, and the whole city is like my campus to explore. Also I have some friends that are helping to teach me Japanese.

I hope you have a great time with your last few weeks in America and that you have a great last year at (her Japanese university). Maybe sometime further in the future we can become friends again, but right now I think space is the best for both of us. That's why I de-friended you on facebook because I think it's best for both of us to have time apart. I appreciate the info about that party, but please don't contact me again unless it's something very important about us, because I need some space. Also, I'm not sure we should see each other when you are back here in Japan. Although I would like to see you, if you don't have any feelings for me anymore, then I need to move on.

I'm really glad that I met you and for all the good times and memories that we shared together (her name). A part of me will always love you, and I wish you the best in life and take care.

Best wishes,
-(my name)Any thoughts?

Me,I prefer breaking up face to face.

That's not possible here though,so if you are 100% certain this is what you want-and I agree-who wants to be in limbo-then go for it.

Good letter and stick to it with dignity! You will feel better when all is done!

I would trweak that letter a bit.

To leave a little doubt there, that there is a tiny possibility of the relationship working, is just prolonging the inevitable. To suggest friendship down the road is also leaving room for a connection. If I were you, I would not reference anything to do with any possibility whatsoever. It is either completely and totally over, or it isn't.

I would also not make any reference to her having boyfriends, or dating someone, etc. That leaves the door open for explanations and more conversations. I would also cut all of that stuff out.

I wouldn't mention what you were doing with your life either, or ask her about yours. It sounds harsh, but a breakup is a breakup, not friendly chit chat about your life, which is really saying that you've moved on, you're happy, and yet, there is a possibility for some sort of connection with her down the road. Those are mixed messages.

Simply tell her that you have decided that there is no possibility of a relationship resuming on any level. You don't need to explain yourself at this point, but if you do go there, maybe keep it simple in saying what you said already, it is better to end things once and for all, and there will be no contact from this point on.

Then wish her well, and be done with it.

This will be harsh, but fair

KISS! (Keep It Simple, Stupid) by a very wise man, told to me years ago.

Burn the darn thing, because it's a load of self serving crap keeping the door open, inviting a bunch of arguing over your assumptions, basically you sound like a sap who doesn't know which way you want to go and are open to discussion if she wants to, or cares to.

You come off as begging, and ready to cave if she throws you a bone, or crumbs, whatever is available, and she is willing to part with.

Jake pointed out the really pathetic parts, comical really, and of course you wrote the whole darn thing to tweak at her heart strings, and make her think what a great guy she would be missing if she doesn't change her mind. WEAK, and really pathetic.

What you were waiting for the females to compliment you for being a nice guy, caring and sweet, who deserves so much more, to stroke you over being dumped by this lying conniving selfish manipulative witch?? Really sorry guy, but that's something you need to step up to and do the right thing for yourself.

I started to pick it apart, but if you really want some closure, burn this sensitive caring guy clap trap letter, and disappear from her life, and make up your own mind that you are moving forward no matter what she says, does, or thinks. Get your own closure without her, and a life without her, just accept she dumped you and close the door to her, and let the healing begin, NOT beg her to write back and debate the fine points with you and that's exactly what this darn thing does, set you up for confusion and drama, that I guarantee will follow, whether she responds, or not!!

Burn it! Burn it NOW, and burn with it the idea you can get closure by explaining yourself to someone that has DUMPED you. Disappear let her wonder what's on your mind, which I doubt she cares about.

That's how you deal with a break, you give it to them, disappear, and start doing your own thing. Don't waste your prose and skills on a person that dumped you, I don't care what the females say. But if you need to be soft stroked and want another shot. Go ahead, let me know how that works out for you. Who knows, she may melt in her shorts and take you back!!

End of rant!!

These people are a lot smarter than I am on this topic. Possibly many more too. It is true. Burn the letter and just say it is over. Even more dignity that way. You can't go wrong. She will wonder and miss you or she won't. Either way is a better clear answer than sending the letter. It makes sense to burn it. Good luck and stay active for sure!!

Although Talaniman is brutal he is correct. You have already said you agree to the break, which is just a fancy way of saying break-up. I have learned from my past mistake, my ex wanted a break, we resumed our relationship, but I was the only one doing the work. In retrospect I can see what a pathetic sap I was, and that is one of my regrets of the relationship. Remember the good times but move on.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I was really trying hard not to but I ended up sending her a message. I did change it a lot though. I cut out everything talking about how I thought she may have another boyfriend. I also hardly mentioned anything about myself. My message I sent was a lot shorter.

Its been about a week and a half now since we went on the break. To be honest, in the future I really do want to become friends with her and stuff but maybe years from now. I de friended her on Facebook and after sending the message I will absolutely not contact her again. I made it clear in my new message that we should have no contact with each other from now on. It's a relief for me to go on Facebook now and not have to worry about coming across pics of her with someone else or her status popping up.

I was really dreading going on my Facebook today, but I feel very relieved that she hasn't sent me anything. I was afraid of opening up myself for a hurtful email from her by writing her one last time but it looks like she is being respectful and not sending me anything.

The letter was more for me than anything. Overall I spent a few days tweaking it to make it just write. I just wanted to say to her exactly what I didn't get a chance to on the phone. Now I feel like I have said what I need to say and in a way it feels like some weight has been lifted off me. Of course its going to still be rough for the next couple months but I feel like I have some closure now instead of being in that weird break stage.

Thanks again for the help

Please consider what I write here before sending what you plan to send. My big regret in the past that I hope I never did all those things. If I can take them back, I would:

1) I begged my ex boyfriend not to break up with me both by texts and by phones.
2) I said to him I was so sorry and everything was ALL MY FAULT. I asked him to give me a chance and I try to improve myself.
3) I was the only one who DO EVERYTHING just to be in the relationship while his focus was only on getting out of it.
4) I SENT HIM AN EMAIL at the same day of the break up, a quite emotional one, because I feel like I need closure.

If asking me doing all the above 1-4, how it make me feel? I can tell you that it did not make me feel any better or get closure or anything in the positive way at all. In contrast, I feel like craps, pathetic, worthless, stupid, etc...

I really regret that I was not breakup with him and let him treat me poorly. And when he did break up with me, I regret that I begged and sent that stupid email, just that one email, for someone who no longer wanted me. I'm sorry about everything I did. And only when I stand up for myself and cut that ex out of my life completely, I started to feel better and better.

People are different. I don't know if you think you WILL SURELY FEEL BETTER AND FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE CLOSURE YOU WANT by sending this message, then it's up to you.

I support the idea of disappearing from her life and let the fact that she wanted out (or "a break") be your closure than sending her this message, which obviously show you still care both by the detail and by the length. I just can't see how sending this will benefit or good to you in any way. If she reply, you will be tempted to reply even you think this will be the last time. Avoid more drama, more confuse, more pain by just stop contact with her through any channels, so you can start healing yourself. Healing can hardly happen if you still keep contact and let her (words, actions, calls, texts) confuse you. Let her know by your action and she will finally realize it.

I think it's far better to have a girlfriend who will not ask for a "break", don't you think so?

I have posted up a couple of other times on the forums about my situation. About a week and a half ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me we are on and off long distance and the last time I saw her was 3 months ago. It's a long story but the short of it is that we broke up and are doing NC. Just 2 weeks ago to me it seemed like everything was fine. We were talking a few times a day and sending corny love messages back and forth like usual. It hit me like a ton of bricks when she wanted a break and I was so surprised.

Lately Im having such a hard time coping with the situation. Its caught me by surprise and Im not sure what to do. I know I need to keep busy and be social to keep my mind off her but its hard because I'm in a new city where I don't know anyone.

I went out with a co worker last night to the bar and had a few drinks but that was a horrible idea. Once I had a alcohol it made me think of her 100X more. I just couldn't stop thinking about how she is with this other guy. The thought of them dancing, kissing, screwing each other is just driving me insane! I can't believe that after everything we have gone through together she has fallen for some other guy. It really is just unbelievable for me to think that she is with someone else and sometimes I feel like this is all just a bad dream. I know with time it will get better but does anyone have any advice for me to get over her?

I know the most important thing is to stay active but its hard for me to be active and social when I have been here a few weeks and don't know anyone. I have started running early every morning and stuff but I still feel messed up. I really want to move on and I will not contact her but Im always thinking about her. What should I do to get through this?

This should be merged with your other threads for continuity.

Alcohol is a depressant,so go easy-be with friendly cheerful people,physical exercise is a great thing, and a fake it till you make it attitude helps-let time work for you.

You will heal,don't doubt it,every day that passes will bring you closer to that goal.

First quite posting new messages all over the board. It is hard to keep up with this.

Second, let me be very honest with you. You are a puppy following a girl who isn't even in your country around. Women do not like wimps. That includes your ex. You are not going to guilt her into anything much less staying with you. You have been told what to do and you have ignored it. Start acting like a man and that means sometimes the tough decisions have to be made. Tough but fair decsion number 1 is to protect your best interests, and that starts with not acting like a wuss begging for attention from some girl 5000 miles from you.

By sending her any letter much less that one or one like it all you are doing is giving her your power and telling her that you will allow the abuse. No girl is worth that, including the one that dumped you for another guy.