I have the same issues with my 8 year old step son. We have a language barrier and I try and try to force myself to have feelings for this kid, but the harder I try the more my feelings are crushed. He looks so much like his ex for starters and she rapped him to get pregnant. He was hospitalized shortly after being with her and nearly died and she said, "Oh,I think we are going to have a baby. We were wild last night." He was date rapped and that is how he came to be. That's why I can't stand his son. My husband was force to marry this gold digger and after six years he divorced her and we have been married going on three years.I really could care less to be around him,but I should have thought twice about getting involved with a man with a baggage.

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Originally Posted by Buski

I have the same issues with my 8 year old step son. We have a language barrier and I try and try to force myself to have feelings for this kid, but the harder I try the more my feelings are crushed. He looks so much like his ex for starters and she rapped him to get pregnant. He was hospitalized shortly after being with her and nearly died and she said, "Oh,I think we are going to have a baby. We were wild last night." He was date rapped and that is how he came to be. that's why I can't stand his son. My husband was force to marry this gold digger and after six years he divorced her and we have been married going on three years.I really could care less to be around him,but I should have thought twice about getting involved with a man with a baggage.

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You dislike the child because his mother raped (I think you mean) his father in order to get pregnant and have this child?

I see you blaming everyone but your husband. Even if I can "buy" your story about the rape I am having difficulty with the forced marriage. She was a gold digger? How wealthy IS your husband?

Yes, you should have thought twice about marrying this man if you consider his child to be baggage.

And I'm a five times stepmother, not a stranger to stepchildren.

Yeah I should have thought it over about being a step mom. She used sex drugs on him to tie him up with her. He was about to break up her and she could not take rejections, so she had to do what needed to be done. He blacked out and woke up in the ER fighting for his life testing positive for sex drugs. He never used drugs. He is not wealthy, just naïve. You are brave to have five step kids. I salute you. I just don't know how or if I ever want to be a part of this kid's life. He looks just like her. Just knowing how he came to be makes it hard.

In my opinion you are a terrible person for feeling like that about a child who did not ask to be born. He did not choose his parents, nor did he choose his particular method of conception.

You can dislike the mother, but don't blame the child.

I agree with J9. How dare you hate a child because of what his mother did. Also, your husband must be very naïve and not all together there if he married someone that raped him. I've been raped, you couldn't pay me to spit in the eye of the man that raped me, much less marry him, even if I did get pregnant because of the rape.

Personally I think your husband is lying to you. I just cannot understand how anyone could marry someone that raped them.

As for the child. He's his own person, a human being, and worthy of love. If you can't stomach being around him because of who his mother is, then do the poor child a favor and leave so that his father can find someone that will give this child the love he deserves.

Shame on you. :(

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Altenweg again.

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I feel very sorry for this child. I wish I could be his step-mother instead of this selfish OP!

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Originally Posted by J_9

I feel very sorry for this child. I wish I could be his step-mother instead of this selfish OP!

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Same here. He's the same age as Syd. I can only imagine Syd being stuck with someone like the OP as a step mom. I wouldn't allow it.

How can anyone hate a child just because of who his parents are? What's even worse is that this is her husbands child. Can't she at least love him because he's the son of the man she claims to love?

Just when I think I have found the worst person in my now almost 15 years of answering questions on these boards I am shocked at what sick people there are. You have a seroius issue and need counseling. This poor child has no choice in this and the child is wanting to be around and I hope the father wants to be with his child. You are most likely making this a awful experience for child and the father of the child. You should care for the child because you love the child's father, not because of anything else.

Next most likely the child's father story of what happen is a little less than truthful but even if it is true, it is not the child's fault.

I could not have said it any better than alty did. How DARE YOU. My own child is the product of rape, and ill be damned if ANYONE tries to tell me they hate her. That would be the last EITHER of us see that person.
I hope your husband pulls his head out of his arse soon.

My husband does not have anything to do with him. He has no pictures of him in his wallet only I do. I have his picture in fb and around the house. He has no desire to see him or call him. It has been over three years since we were back in Europe. I asked him if I can petition him for a green card he said no. He has not sent him any money or birthday and Christmas gifts to my step son only I do.I try but with him not encouraging me makes it hard. How can I form a bond when he forbid me.The child's mother lets him walk all over the streets at age eight and beats the tare out of him, constantly because she is angry at my husband for divorcing her almost four years ago.
My husband is very educated and very handsome, educated and yes, he provides very well for me and we get along so well and planning to have our first baby next year. He only gets upset when I mention his kid for me to pick up or we go to Europe to see him. I can't seem to have a conversation with him about it so I avoid it and leave it alone. He said, "He will never step foot in this country and I want it like that." I don't know, may be he is angry at his mother for taking advantage of him and forcing him into marriage by his family and guilt and he fell for it. But I honestly do not believe my husband would get this girl pregnant intentionally. We have been married three years and I don't use birth control and we are not trying to get pregnant till next year after I finish with my masters study. So, I came to this blog to get some advice and all I got was bullets flying... I am just trying to be honest and open about this situation.

I did not fire bullets at you. Actually I think I was very calm.

If you read your posts over again I think you will see the problems people are having. You keep making excuses for your husband. "She" used date rape drugs on him? Really? What drugs? Amazing.

Do the child a big favor and stay out of his life. Now that your husband has turned on his ex-wife and child you are forewarned that next he could turn on you.

And I agree with Alty - I was raped as an adult. I most certainly did NOT go forward and marry the rapist.

Amazing "story." And that's just what this is. A "story."

And I get no points for being a stepmother. I happened to fall in love with two men who already had children. I married into the families.

I am still learning how to use this blog site, yesterday was my first day. Any way, I guess you are right. Since he refuses to have anything to do with his kid and when I try he stomps all over me about. That is probably I feel like I should not try because he completely turned his back on them and if I push him he might just do the same. OK, like I said I am new with the blog thing... What is an "OP" by the way? Another thing, I am not trying to make excuses for my husband. It happened before he came to the US and met me. His doctor told him he was drugged and was lucky to be alive. I can kind of see why he is so angry at his ex and I agree he should not take it on the kid. He was only twenty years old and now a kid with some one he had no feelings for. Listening to him for years how he hated her and how he "hated that kid" made me feel helpless. I guess he is still blaming him for existing, which is not his fault I agree. Sometimes people can be a big influence in one's life. Like you said, the best thing to do is just leave it alone before he does the same thing to me.
Thanks every one for your honesty... :)

If he walked out on you and your stepson, why do you still contact him? Why do you still ask his advice?

It is NOT hard to love a child. But you are letting a man tell you what you can and can't do, even after he abandoned you both (if I am understanding this correctly)

I would suggest you see a family therepist about this. I have never been to europe and I don't know what part you are in. but I am sure they have someone you can go to for help. To break the control this man obviously has over you, and get past your own barriers to love this child.

And ill be honest with you, I do believe that YOU believe that your husband was raped. But I do NOT believe he told you the truth. I do not for one second believe that men can not be raped. Especially with the use of drugs and restraints. However, given the behavior we have heard of him so far, I would be hard pressed to believe much of ANYTHING he said.

I question the morals and common sense of a man
That can say he hates HIS child because of the child's
Mothers actions.

You say he is well educated , I find his education lacking,
I find his character lacking, and I find his morals lacking,
And most of all I find him lacking in honesty.
What drug can you give a man to make him act against his
Will and still be capable of sexual intercourse ?
I've seen the affects of the "date rape drugs" like GHB ,
And the entire body is limp, all of the body.
I cannot believe his rape story for a minute.

It looks to me like he is trying to push his transgressions onto the only innocent party involved.
His child.

You say you're already married. Good luck.

I have done some research on men being taken advantage of and to some of my close male friends and asked if they were date raped or drugged could they still ejaculate? They said yes, and if a man blacks out he has no recollection of his behavior the next day. I believe that's what might have happened or he just totally is ashamed of the whole situation and rejects the child.
He said he was over at her house with some friends and they were drinking pretty heavy. All their friends left and he was getting ready to leave and she offered him Turkish coffee. He saw her put "crushed powdery stuff" into his coffee and she said it was the new vanilla flavor from Spain. The next thing he knew after ten minutes or so of drinking this coffee he was feeling dizzy and became extremely horny and his sleeping friend woke up. I thought that was hilarious.
The next thing he knew was he was in his house butt naked and his head was hurting so bad he called his parents and they took him to the ER. The doctor stated high level of sex drugs in his blood stream and he was very lucky to be alive. The next day she came over to visit him smiling that she was pregnant. He was crushed. Not the woman he loves or want kids with. She was just a no body girl looking to go up the ladder.
I told him if he is not sure that is his kid get a DNA!Instead he turned his back completely and there is no closure for either of us. I don't know what to do any more. I don't really talk about this matter to any one. It is too heavy...
I try to contact his parents to see how he is doing and what he needs for school and for his birthday. I don't speak Croatian and he doesn't speak English. So we have a major language barrier there. I feel I just need to sit my husband down and have a heart to heart talk with him. We all make mistakes and that's the past. He should go on and not hate him and make me hate him because he is running from his mistakes. Will see. Thanks every one for all your opinion and advice. :)

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Originally Posted by martinizing2

I question the morals and common sense of a man
that can say he hates HIS child because of the childs
mothers actions.

You say he is well educated , I find his education lacking,
I find his character lacking, and I find his morals lacking,
and most of all I find him lacking in honesty.
What drug can you give a man to make him act against his
will and still be capable of sexual intercourse ?
I've seen the affects of the "date rape drugs" like GHB ,
and the entire body is limp, all of the body.
I cannot believe his rape story for a minute.

It looks to me like he is trying to push his transgressions onto the only innocent party involved.
His child.

You say you're already married. Good luck.

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Not that it matters to the actual issue at hand :P but a man CAN be raped. The penile respsonse is completetly separate from the man and CAN be aroused and used and ejaculate, even in the mans sleep, or under the use of drugs.

He is a super awesome husband. I think he is just ashamed of the fact of letting his guard down. We get along great just don't talk about one subject. Yup, you got it! It doesn't matter. We all have our closet full of stuffs we are not proud of. If he would just be open about it I can learn to accept his kid, but I honestly believe he was truly hurt.
My opinion I think she gave him sex stimulating drugs in his drink while drinking heavily and then after they had their fun he drove home to his house and blacked out. Waking up the next day with a super bad headache and vomiting and was rushed to the ER. I think he learned his lesson! ;)

I pray about and for God to take this hate stuffs off. But we have a language barrier and his mother of course doesn't want us in his life that is why she has full custody. Honestly, my husband has scratched him out and wants nothing to do with him at all. He gets mad at me if I ask him or his parents how is his kid doing and he will be in a bad mood all day. My reactions are just natural, due to the fact of being slammed by him and her. I don't know what else to do or how to feel. That is why I turned to a blog group.

His ex refuses to give a DNA test. I wanted to petition him here for a green card and a DNA was requested and she went off. My family wants to meet him too and she has been about send me "$350.00 which is a months wage over there in Croatia and $10,000.00 if you want to see him for thirty days in America." That is why my husband is fed up.

You need to know the whole story before you make such harsh allegation. There is two sides to the story. Sadly the kid is wedged in the middle of it all.