Hi All,

I love a guy and he loves me a lot too... we both are well settled in our jobs and his parents has agreed for our marriage.. we are in relationship from 5years..

I told about him to my parents almost a year back... form then on life has become very dificult... My parents hv struggled a lot to enducate us and I am really thankful to thm for my job now... it is secondry tat I had to compromise my wises and study what thy wanted me to and get into a job what thy wanted me to, mainly bcoz of financial reasons... so its all right. But about my marriage, I'm not ready to compromise my wishes and adjust all my life :( . I want to be with the guy who loves me so much and I also love him a lot...

After I told about him at home, I was forced to leave my job and was beaten up a lot by my father and brother.. form then it is still continuing... slowly all my relatives from my dad's side and recently form my mom's side were also informed about what I told to thm. Everyone are now telling that I hv brought this respect to the family, shame to d family... and all are telling tat I hv to marry some one of their choice and forget eveyrthing about my love.. and bcoz I'm still saying tat I won't marry someone else other than my guy, thy are now again forcing me to leave my job and house arrest me... :(

Is loving someone truly such a big crime? Why shld a girl do adjustment and sacrifices all her life.. its not tat I hv pblm in sacrificing something for my family, but sacrificing something only bocz thy think tat I don't hv any right to choose whom I want to marry is so silly... why does is hurt their ego so much if thy hv to listen to a girl? Why shld a girl not do somehting what she wants to, tat too when there's nothing rong in what she's asking for.. I'm still waiting for my parents to agree... hope thy agree...

I was not allowed to join sports or cultural activities (but in school I used to cry a lot to get their permission to join these activities, and was allowed on certain times too), I was not allowed to pursue a job of my wish, I am not allowed to go out any where... I shld not hv casual chats and laugh when guys are around? Still lot more restrictions... but now I don't want to lose something good in my life only bcoz thy think tat I don't hv d right to decide wom I want to marry and that I hv to marry only d guy wom thy how... what shld I do... I want my parents and my guy too...

In which country do you live?

(Please don't use chat-speak. It's difficult to read.)

India...

Well, it doesn't sound like you've had much personal freedom so far in your life. It sounds like you are going to have to choose between your boyfriend and your own family.

Is he of another caste? Are you near a city?

Even I get a feeling that I will have to make a choice between them... but I don't want to jump into any such decision right now... I am ready to wait for a year or 2 if required...
And, you.. he's form a different caste, but our castes are almost similar (I am not sure if you can understand by what I mean with this statement, its something like our castes are of same level) and there have been a lot of marriages between these 2 castes... its only that my parents are not ready to accept anything other than what they want... My dad says that I should not bring any topic about love at home.
And yes, we live in a Bangalore city from almost 6 years...

I understand about the castes.

Would your parents force you into an arranged marriage?

Yes, that is what they want to do...
They want me to marry any guy whom they show, I understand that they will obviously choose a good person, but I am not interested in marrying anyone else other than the person I love... I have tried explaining this to them so many times! But they just don't want to listen to me.. every time they say only this, either you marry the guy whom we show or we shall force you to leave your job, leave everything and stay at home for your entire life.. :(

My dad is talking all this to his ego, every time he questions me, why did I have to love someone, isn't he capable of searching a good guy for me.. and I tell the same thing every time that I very well know that he'll will choose a very good guy for me.. but I like this person, so please let me marry him.. he says, if they get me married according to my wishes, they'll not be able to face the society.. I don't know what I have to tell to them to convince them that everything will be perfectly all right..

Does your guy have a good education, a good job, is a worthy mate?

If your parents decided to like him, could they "choose" him for you? Maybe your biggest problem is finding ways to help them like him?

Yup... he has a good education... we both earn well, almost same... good job too... and he's really a worthy mate... if I say these, everyone might think that I am telling all this out of all the love I have for him... but few of my friends parents were very happy that I chose him... they told me this also...

I have asked my dad clearly what problem he has with this guy... he says that he doesn't believe in love marriages and that no one should ever take such a step like what I did... before I told to dad that I love this guy, he was completely OK with him.. once I told that I love him, everything changed, he became a bad guy and all my friends became bad too... now I am not allowed to contact any of my friends too... we were really a very good gang, all are well settled.. my parents also liked everyone a lot. Just because they did not inform my parents about my relation with that guy, my parents are angry with them too... In fact, I had asked my friends not to inform anything, because I wanted my parents to know about me from me, not from someone else...

In your country, as you know, love marriages are very much against the tradition of arranged ones. My ancestors are from Germany and had similar hangups that, thankfully, have been forsaken by the younger generations.

Did your parents finally come to love each other? If so, your father must understand how important love is in a marriage. If all other attributes and characteristics and qualities fit together, love is the crown jewel for a marriage.

I know from my Indian coworkers that consulting a holy man for a prophecy and planetary alignment and for a blessing before undertaking life-changing tasks is very important. Could you find one whom your parents would respect and who would agree that a love marriage is a good thing?

My dad cares a lot for my mother, and she cares for him too... but I don't know why are they not trying to understand that love is very important in everyone's life. Nothing matters when the guy/girl you marry are really good, caring and they trust each other and respect each other.

They say that the failure rate of love marriages is much higher that arranged marriages, where as the truth is that, let it be love marriage or arranged marriage, if anyone in the relation turns out to be bad or cheats, any marriage is bound to fail, but in our families, the girls are always asked to adjust and live with their husband for their entire life...

And, yes, we had been to a holy person for seeking prophecy and planetary alignment, but I was involved in their discussion only for a short span of time, just for being asked few questions and to be told that I have to marry the person whom my parents show...
I am never given any permission to do anything by myself, and if I try to get things like these, like contacting some holy person, I know that I'll be in much more trouble than what I'm facing right now. So I don't even dare to take any such steps... A very simple thing like eating out, will also be question a hundred times, then you can imagine what I'll have to face if I take such important steps without their permission, but falling in love was like totally out of control, I could never say no to this guy who respects me so much, who has always encouraged me to take decisions on my own, has given me so much of courage to face people. If not for him, I would have still been a silent girl who will bear anything in her life and never talk about anything, just cry to herself in a locked room for everything...

I cannot imagine being in such a repressed situation, so you have my best wishes and my prayers.

How old are you? Will you be expected to marry (and if not, must continue to live with parents)? Are you and your boyfriend willing to move away from home? Of course, that would mean leaving your family and hiding out or going far away. That's not a good solution either.

As time goes by, will your parents find a suitable man for you and insist you marry him? Then what?

I have to tell you this... My parents are really wonderful, except that they are little narrow minded in their thoughts... like I will be asked to keep quiet when a gang of guys and girls are together and someone cracks a joke, they ask me not to laugh, I will be given a stare if I do!! Which is so silly...

I was never allowed to hangout. I was never allowed to go for friends treats, movies, shopping, anything... but I don't have problem with these, because I know that there will be a day when I can do all these... but what I regret is that, the fun you have doing all these in college, that innocence, that fun... I have lost almost everything of it...
Other than these kind of restrictions, my parents have looked after me very well, they have provided me with all the facilities... We were not financially very well off when I was a kid, I remember how my dad used to struggle to save every penny...

But because of all these, I cannot be forced to sacrifice my entire life right.. I know that I will look after my parents very well, and also I know that my guy will never have a problem in me looking after my parents after our marriage...
In fact, he has thought me a lot on how to understand our parents and how to support them... I really cannot lose someone who has been so supportive in my life...

I too grew up with narrow-minded parents, but we had a loving family in that they would have sacrificed their lives for us children. I had been told I could not marry the young man I had been dating for six years, but the one I eventually married met with their approval (mostly because they didn't know him and his family). Now I wish I would have defied them, but too late am I smart.

I look forward to reading your responses to my questions asked in a previous post.

I can understand... its not easy to give solution when both the choices are good/bad...
That's why even I'm totally confused... I want my parents and my guy... both are very precious for me...

I am 25 now and he's 26... Neither of us want to move away from our parents... he's ready to wait even for 4-5 years if required, or probably more( I can not ask him to sacrifice his entire life waiting for me.. he's free to make a choice ).

And I have no clue what my parents are planning to do, because, sometimes they will tell that they will let me be alone and not marry anyone( because I told them that I don't want to marry anyone else other that him). But they keep emotionally blackmailing me to marry someone whom they show... recently, again we had lot of discussion on this (its going on from almost a year), and I was almost about to be beaten up by one of my uncle... My dad asked me not to show my face to him ever if I don't listen to him... but I know that he told all this out of his anger and that he himself would be feeling bad for having told this...
I am being blamed for my parents bad health(in a way yes, I am the reason because I am giving them so much tension), I am asked not to mingle with my cousin's because they will become like me... All I can think of right now is to wait for a year or 2... and not to take any wrong step in haste... but I really doubt if my dad will ever say yes... :( :'(

I'm wondering if there is a way to convince your parents you no longer love your boyfriend and that might make him more acceptable somehow. Yet, I wouldn't want you to open the door to having another man pushed at you for marriage.

May I ask my friend and former coworker Shachi (from Delhi) if she has any ideas? She has lived in this country only about ten years and was allowed to make a love marriage when she still lived in India.

:) happy to know that you are with your loved one... hope I turn out to be lucky like you...
And actually, I must thank you a lot... I feel little re-leaved by talking with someone, though unknown, you have asked me so many sensible questions, so that I could think over again on what I am doing and what I have to do...
But I am very sure of one thing, I am very lucky to have him in my life...

After I contact Shachi via email, I will report back to you here.

I wish you and I could meet for tea, but your father probably would not like me, although I am older than he is! Thank you for the continuing conversation.

Thanks a lot for all the support and advice you have given me... and will be waiting for your response...

I also would love to have a tea with you... :) and hope my dad wouldn't have any problem if I do so... :)

And my guy's birthday is also in the same month as yours :) , November 30th... I saw your birth date in your profile.. :)

If I ever vacation in Goa, I will look you up in Bangalore. :)

Aren't you supposed to be sleeping? You're on the other side of the world, so it's for a.m. or so there?

I'm retired, so I tend to live on this site.