Ask Me Help Desk - What is wrong with me?

My husband and I have been together since 2002, we got married in 2007 when we both finally got stable full time jobs. We met while working at Dominion. We now have an 18 month old and another baby due on June 11. My husband is always very busy with work, and when he's not, he would rather be out with his friends than home with his family. He doesn't like to go out with us either because he says it's embarrassing when my daughter cries or has tantrums. He also doesn't seem attracted to me anymore. He's always making little comments about my appearance. One of the most recent ones was he told my daughter "you have mommy's moustache". He tells me how fat I am, but then says he's joking. He only wants to be intimate if he watches porn, and he says that I need to be sexier for him. It's hard to feel sexy when your husband is constantly making fun of your appearance, and his eyes wander in the grocery store. Every time we do have sex, he asks if he can go in the back door. Every time I try to talk to him about how I feel, he's too busy. He has to take an important call, or his friend is waiting for him. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me? Am I that hideous? Am I that boring? Am I such a bad person that I don't deserve to be loved?

Sounds like hubby has the problem, not you. He sounds like he is a mean person. Tell him if he isn't happy, get the hell out. Watch him change.

I'm willing to guess there is nothing wrong with you.

What you are seeing is the doldrums of marriage at the roughly 3-5 year mark. The honeymoon is over... you haven't quite settled into I do this and you do that thing yet. And the excitement has worn off.

You can get past it fairly easily if he's really willing to try as well.

A few things I've seen in what you wrote. He's made some rather insensitive off color jokes. You are very pregnant, so are going to have some hormone issues that are going to make you hyper-sensitive to some things. You have a young child in the house... and if he's like most of us... he's probably really stressing about work. He's probably been dumped on to do the work of others that got laid off for no extra compensation other than "Well, you might be next". That and a young child in the house and one on the way adds to that stress. Even if he doesn't vocalize it... he's likely thinking it. And in the current economy... anyone who claims they don't worry about their job or income... is either a liar or irresponsible.

As far as his eyes wandering... he's a guy, all guys look. All guys don't chase... there is a huge difference between those.

As far as the back door... that is very pleasurable for both people at the right times... but that is a choice between the two of you.

He's being fairly aloof about avoiding the talks about how you feel. But do keep in mind... at least some of those times his excuse might be valid... but he really should find some time to talk with you about it even if right that minute might not be good.

You both might need to get some couples counseling if you can't work it out. All couples go through rough spots from time to time. But the better couples work out their problems.

As far as the only looking thing goes, he has cheated on me in the past, and recently I found out that he propositioned my sister.

There is a serious need for counseling, first he has some serious problems and needs private counseling but also group

Quote:

Originally Posted by tourniquet1

As far as the only looking thing goes, he has cheated on me in the past, and recently I found out that he propositioned my sister.

Looking and cheating or ATTEMPTED cheating aren't the same.

Propositioned your sister... like he wouldn't think THAT would get back to you?

Guys stop looking when they stop breathing. But most guys aren't trying to cheat until then.

Two babies in less than two years is a lot for both of you, and I imagine the tension, and stress is very high as you prepare for this child soon. Both of you have to be caught up in all kinds of fear of the changes to come in the future.

I won't speak for him, but to you, don't take this personally just surround yourself with supportive people, and vent those feelings outward, not in, and don't get caught up in his BS for now. Of course his behavior makes no sense to you, and yours will make no sense to him, but he is not the focus, you, and the baby are, and you must not let all those side issues get in the way at this fragile time of your pregnancy.

Your husband just needs an older guy to straighten him out so he can better know, and perform his role in this thing. But don't worry, none of us are perfect, nor can we be, and all you can do is scream to him to get over himself, and act like a man, and help you bring HIS child in the world by giving you all the right attention you need right now!!

Get your girlfriends, and female friends to help, because this is about you, and he better step up and do his part right. Might not help him, but you will feel better.

The rest of that insecurity crap about cheating and taking his "jokes" wrong, well that can be worked on later, after you heal from having a healthy child, oh, about next year this time, if you don't get pregnant again.