Here is the deal and any advice would be helpful.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2.5 years and things have been all and all good. We are both currently 27 years old for point of reference.

After new years this year she told me that she needed time because she could not continue dating me if things did not change.

I have always been very devoted to my work and work upwards of 60-80 hours a week, something that she knew from the get go. As things progressed in our relationship I stopped seeing her as often during the week because work was taking a toll on me. We would however always see each other Saturday nights and Sundays. In September of this year I started studying for the GMAT and told her that I could only see her once a week because I had to concentrate on the test. I think this was hard for but she dealt with it. After my test I was consumed with other things and even though work was slowing down I did not see her as much as could have because I was unsure about our relationship.

The straw that broke the camels back was this new years eve. Her birthday just happens to be on new years as well and she really wanted me to be with her. In the past she has understood that I always hang with the same group on new years and it has never been a big deal. This year though it sent her over the edge. If I could change anything I would go back to that night and made sure I was there for her.

After new years we met up and this is when she told me that I had exhausted her and she was unsure if she had the energy to continue. This made me realize my wrong doings and also made me realize how truly important she is to me. I really want to be with her but she says she needs time so that she can see if I really change.

She told me that she thought I was going to walk away from the relationship when she said that she needed time. She also said that my reaction to her has blown her away in a good way but she still needs time and this is going on a month!

Do you think this is over or do I just need to show her change??

We still talk multiple times a day and she still tells me that she loves me. She also says that we should only see each other one night which includes staying the night together a week for now.

In the mix of all this she recently started a new job. What do I do? I don't want to smother her but at the same time what drove her away was my lack of attention and availability.

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. How dare you do your work thing at the neglect of your woman and then you have the gall to blow off her birthday and be with friends. You deserve to be put in your place and she will make you see how she felt all this time. You either be a good boy, shut up, and kiss her sweet butt, or lose her. That simple. So its up to you bud, bite the bullet or adios. She really has put up with a lot of BS from your selfish..

I totally agree with Tal on this one. Relationships are sometimes about sacrifice, if you aren't prepared to sacrifice some aspects of your professional work or being with your friends for new years eve in order to show her you are serious about the relationship, then you shouldn't be surprised when she gets upset about it.

You're treating other aspects of your life as more important than her, and she wants to be the most important thing in your life. You need to change your priorities if you want to keep her.

There's nothing confusing about her behavior, only thing that is confusing is your own behavior.

I totally agree with the others.

I read a quote, let's see if I can remember how it goes.

If you died tomorrow, your position at work would be filled within the week. But your family and friends will grieve for you for the rest of their lives.

Spend your time with the people you mean the most to and who mean the most to you.

Yes I understand what I have done wrong. I guess that I took things for granted and did not realize what I had until it was threatened.

My question is, do you you think she is stringing me along or do you think that she really wants to see change and will then allow things to work out?

This was a huge mistake and I just hope I can make it work!

I really think she wants to see a change.
Good for her for standing up for herself!
So now go and change permanently, not just to get her back!

There was a similar post recently(where the girl needed to see change) that had a positive outcome where the guy changed.

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Originally Posted by Interesting

Yes I understand what I have done wrong. I guess that I took things for granted and did not realize what I had until it was threatened.

My question is, do you you think she is stringing me along or do you think that she really wants to see change and will then allow things to work out?

This was a huge mistake and I just hope I can make it work!

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You have to take your chances and see, its up to you what you want.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? We spoke some more her and I and she said that she is still taking time to figure out if this is what she wants. She is seeing change but wants to make sure that it is permanent, understandably so I guess, just so hard to deal with. Before all this she wanted to see me every moment I had!

I also asked her that if I do change for the better does she this continuing between us. She said that she was not sure. I asked if there is still the possibility that we might not continue to work out and she said there was.

As I said we she calls me a couple of times a day still and the conversations are good, and when we are together things are still good, but I want things to go back to how they were because I miss her wanting me around so much and I am now willing to give her a lot more of my time because I realize my mistakes.

To me her asking for time does not mean that we should not talk or see each other because that is what led up to this whole issue, agreed? At the same time I do not want to cross boundaries and seem smothering.

Thoughts, comments, support anything would greatly help. This is killing me and I KNOW IT IS MY FAULT.

At the same time how do you show someone change if you don't see them a lot, I guess she can see change in how I handle phone conversations?

Thanks!

OK who's calling right now, Are you calling or is she?
If you are the one who's calling I would suggest you to stop.
She has said that she has needed time .
Why do you keep asking her about the relationship? She has told you already how she feels.
Give her about a month without any call. Then call her up and tell her something intersting that is not about the relationship and try to get to know her again without any pressure and show her the new person that I hope you will become in the meantime.

Im going to send you something I've seen on another site from the dumpers point of view that may help you and you can see how you should be behaving without upsetting her even more!

Seriously? She's NEVER going to want to be around you like she was before. She woke up and decided that she didn't want to make you the center of her universe anymore, especially since you weren't even NOTICING it until she was gone.

It might still work out, but it's NOT going to be what it was before. Give her time... she's still waiting for you to revert to a jacka$$ the second she hints that you did enough to get her back.

If I were her... I'd make you work the rest of your LIFE to keep me.

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Originally Posted by Interesting

Anyone else have thoughts on this? We spoke some more her and I and she said that she is still taking time to figure out if this is what she wants. She is seeing change but wants to make sure that it is permanent, understandably so I guess, just so hard to deal with. Before all this she wanted to see me every moment I had!

I also asked her that if I do change for the better does she this continuing between us. She said that she was not sure. I asked if there is still the possibility that we might not continue to work out and she said there was.

As I said we she calls me a couple of times a day still and the conversations are good, and when we are together things are still good, but I want things to go back to how they were because I miss her wanting me around so much and I am now willing to give her a lot more of my time because I realize my mistakes.

To me her asking for time does not mean that we should not talk or see each other because that is what led up to this whole issue, agreed? At the same time I do not want to cross boundaries and seem smothering.

Thoughts, comments, support anything would greatly help. This is killing me and I KNOW IT IS MY FAULT.

At the same time how do you show someone change if you don't see them a lot, I guess she can see change in how I handle phone conversations?

Thanks!

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Have you guys ever talked about marriage or at least where you see your relationship going? I know it sounds funny but humor me.

She is calling me most of the time. She is also asking that we do stuff it is only roughly once a week though.

Yes we had talked about marriage in the past and both told each other that we could see that happening someday.

I think not talking to her for a month would be a huge mistake because it was my lack of involvement that drove us to this point to begin with.

Why would I cut of contact and not show her change and that I really do want to be with her?

She hasn't cut you off completely, so I think there's a chance she'll come around. I don't think things will "go back to how they were because I miss her wanting me around so much". She doesn't want you around so much, so you need to walk that fine line and be attentive without being desperate and needy. Take your queues from her. Try to actually understand what SHE wants, not what YOU want. If the relationship survives, it will be different than in the past. A near-death experience changes things, so get used to that.

As far as your work goes, 60-80 hours a week is not healthy, regardless of what it does to your relationships. It would be unhealthy if you were completely unattached. You didn't say what kind of work you do, but I don't care what it is, you're not THAT indispensable to it. Like Bluerose says, "If you died tomorrow, your position at work would be filled within the week." I've also heard it said, "The graveyards are full of indispensible people." A doctor who worked with dying patients said, "I have yet to meet a dying man who said 'I just wish I had spent more time at work'".

You get the idea. You are not your job, you are not your profession. As far as that goes, you are not your relationships either. You are a whole person that includes all those roles and aspects, but is not completely defined by any of them. Study to know and develop your whole self if you want to have healthy work, love, and family relationships. Balance is the key.

It takes time to build a relationship... Right now, you need to just give this time. Be yourself (not what she wants you to be) because if you aren't yourself, then your lying to both of you. You need to act like you want to be in a relationship - give and take.

But keep in mind that when glass is broken it can't always be fixed. This might have broken - for good. You can only glue things so well.

Good luck to you!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Interesting

Here is the deal and any advice would be helpful.

I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2.5 years and things have been all and all good. We are both currently 27 years old for point of reference.

After new years this year she told me that she needed time because she could not continue dating me if things did not change.

I have always been very devoted to my work and work upwards of 60-80 hours a week, something that she knew from the get go. As things progressed in our relationship I stoped seeing her as often during the week because work was taking a toll on me. We would however always see each other Saturday nights and Sundays. In September of this year I started studying for the GMAT and told her that I could only see her once a week because I had to concentrate on the test. I think this was hard for but she dealt with it. After my test I was consumed with other things and even though work was slowing down I did not see her as much as could have because I was unsure about our relationship.

The straw that broke the camels back was this new years eve. Her birthday just happens to be on new years as well and she really wanted me to be with her. In the past she has understood that I always hang with the same group on new years and it has never been a big deal. This year though it sent her over the edge. If I could change anything I would go back to that night and made sure I was there for her.

After new years we met up and this is when she told me that I had exhausted her and she was unsure if she had the energy to continue. This made me realize my wrong doings and also made me realize how truly important she is to me. I really want to be with her but she says she needs time so that she can see if I really change.

She told me that she thought I was going to walk away from the relationship when she said that she needed time. She also said that my reaction to her has blown her away in a good way but she still needs time and this is going on a month!

Do you think this is over or do I just need to show her change????

We still talk multiple times a day and she still tells me that she loves me. She also says that we should only see each other one night which includes staying the night together a week for now.

In the mix of all this she recently started a new job. What do I do? I don't want to smother her but at the same time what drove her away was my lack of attention and availability.

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Wow. My ex and I recently went through almost the Same situation. He works a ton and everything ended on New Years weekendwith him moving out of our apartment and being with his same group of friends on nye. Your girl sounds stronger then me, but I would suggest , or at least this is what I would want out of my very similar situation, to let her have her space right now. It's not fair to her that you can't devote more time I'm sure she deserves it. Be the strong guy and don't come over etc. Let her have her space. Then if and when you are truly ready to change, cut back on work or whatever to be with her... let her know and see if it works out. If it's meant to be, it will. I am having the same problem figuring out what I want, and I've come to realize that a little space usually helps for both.

Well, I'll start by saying that it really isn't healthy to constantly work 60-80 hours per week. And not just where relationships are concerned either. Now, in your defense, you state that she knew this from the get-go. And yes, you do have to be careful not to swing to the other extreme of smothering her. Strike a balance. Try to cut back on your hours, not just for her but for yourself as well. Frankly, working 60-80 hours a week and dating her makes me wonder just when you had time for any other friends like the ones you always hang out with for New Year's. Lastly, make sure that her protestations of you not being there for her often enough aren't a cover-up for feelings of insecurity or possessiveness on her part. While you are wise to be concerned about smothering her I almost think that she has the potential to be a smotherer and you don't want to get caught up in a situation like that. Frankly I'd be a little concerned about the reasons she's given you for "needing time."

Well where you went wrong big time was to find time for your friends on her birthday when you were barely seeing her already. She won't fall out of love with you overnight but she is definitely not happy... if I were her I would let you sweat too. After awhile she just may decide that she wants someone that would put her first. She was willing to come after work and school but not last on her birthday. That was not cool dude... hopefully lesson learned!

Anyone have anymore opnions advice?

Thanks So Far

Thought I would give everyone an update and see if anyone had any other advice.

Things are slowly getting better and she is being much more receptive to me across the board. I have been available to her but have not pushed myself on her, wanted to show her that I am willing to make her a priority which she is appreciating.

She claims that the change has been great to date but that it has only really been a month and half of which she was gone for a week and half of on business. She also claims that she still needs some time to be sure that my changes are for real and not just to get her back.

I have spoken with her friends who all seem to like me since they contacted me because they thought something was up, I guess she did not really tell them her plan. She told them only that she could not continue if I did not change my ways. They all want things to work and think that they can as long as I keep it up.

The one thing that is driving me crazy is the lack of sex since all of this went down. We have slept together 3 times since all of this occurred. We see each other often and she wants me to stay over and then just cuddles and kisses and says that sex will come again in time. Before all of this she always wanted to have sex but says that she does not want our relationship to rely on it.

This past weekend we had a great time and actually started to discuss the next steps (marriage) assuming everything continues as it has been.

The only thing that is tough for me is that I realize how I was, I continue to show her that I have changed but she is still a bit apprehensive??

The one thing that is strange is that she has this ski house up north and she always wanted me to go up there. Since all of this happened she has not asked me if I wanted to go? She is going next weekend and I said I would love to go and she said she thought she was going to go on her own. I asked her why she used to ask me all the time and she said it was just so she could spend time with me, and if I want to go skiing we could go to a different mountain for the weekend? This is a little odd to me?

Thoughts on everything anyone??