Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend broke up because she needs time to herself.

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and I have a question about a relationship problem. After 8 months of being together, my girlfriend has recently told me that she wants to break up. Our relationship was great and she has admitted that I was the best boyfriend she has ever had. However, she has been feeling like her life is not her own and needs some time to work things out on her own. When we met it had only been 2 weeks after she broke up with her ex and she has been very clear that she does not want to date anyone else. She tells me that she does not want to give up on us altogether but needs some time to work things out.

We never spent too much time together and she has to travel for work twice a year so there was a lot of space. The problem was that she lived with a family friend who is in his seventies. She lives there rent free but feels obligated to cook and clean for him and that is hard for her. She realises that it is the right thing to do but at the same time she has often told me that she wished she had more time to herself.

My birthday is next Friday and she still wants to take me out to dinner. We were also making plans to go to Cuba for a vacation and when I aksed her if we should cancel, she said that she still wants to go away with me. She told her family, who really love me, that "she is not saying no to me forever, she is just saying no to me for right now".

My question is, how do I deal with this when I know that there is still love there? I am more than willing to give her the space she needs and I don't call or e-mail her because I don't want to confuse her or get in her way but I still really love her and want to know if she will come back or not. What can I do?

I don't want to sound terrible, but in the interest of honesty I'm going to tell you that in likelihood she's feeding you a pack of lies. I know it sounds completely off base, but I've seen this story so often that I can't get myself to come to another conclusion. She doesn't want to hurt you so she's saying something soft to make it easier for the both of you. I know it'd be easier if you could get the truth out of her but you have to consider the female mind at work. She believes and believes sincerely that since you're a good person (I know she believes this as well) the best thing for her to do is let you down easy.

It's going to suck for a while and I know you won't believe me. But you'll see what I mean in due time.

You could be the rare man who has met a woman who is being on the up and up with you on this matter. I must say you'd be the only one I've ever met.

Also, her family is not to be trusted on all this. They love her more than you. Much more. They'll do what they have to do for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and I have a question about a relationship problem. After 8 months of being together, my girlfriend has recently told me that she wants to break up. Our relationship was great and she has admitted that I was the best boyfriend she has ever had. However, she has been feeling like her life is not her own and needs some time to work things out on her own. When we met it had only been 2 weeks after she broke up with her ex and she has been very clear that she does not want to date anyone else. She tells me that she does not want to give up on us altogether but needs some time to work things out.

We never spent too much time together and she has to travel for work twice a year so there was a lot of space. The problem was that she lived with a family friend who is in his seventies. She lives there rent free but feels obligated to cook and clean for him and that is hard for her. She realises that it is the right thing to do but at the same time she has often told me that she wished she had more time to herself.

My birthday is next friday and she still wants to take me out to dinner. We were also making plans to go to Cuba for a vacation and when I aksed her if we should cancel, she said that she still wants to go away with me. She told her family, who really love me, that "she is not saying no to me forever, she is just saying no to me for right now".

My question is, how do I deal with this when I know that there is still love there? I am more than willing to give her the space she needs and I don't call or e-mail her because I don't want to confuse her or get in her way but I still really love her and want to know if she will come back or not. What can I do?

I doubt that she is being disshonest. We had a very honest relationship and she even got angry when I suggested that she may have been cheating on me. She was quite clear that she needed time for herself. I understand that her family will be more interested in her happiness than mine but her older sister has said to me that I am the only boyfriend that she has ever liked... that has to count for something. Why would she offer to go to Cuba even after I offered to cancel the trip. We were going to go in April.

She wants a break, give it to her. Her sister will tell you anything so don't talk to her or her friends. Celebrate your own birthday. You must be smothering her to death if she needs some time away from you. No contact for 90 days. Then she will either be over it or decide to move on. People in a healthy relationship don't take breaks they work things out. How long have you been going with her?

Hey Talaniman. Thanks for the answer. We have been going together for 8 months now.
The thing is we only spend about 2 days per week together. Otherwise, we would talk on the phone each night. She is living with a seventy-seven year old family friend who lets her live in a room rent free. She cooks and cleans and spends time with him and has admitted to me that it makes her feel like her life is not hers. As for her family, I don't talk to them at all. We get allong great but I have reserved my conversations to my own family and friends. They understand that I am not a bad guy and it's just that she needs time to herself to work things out. The one thing that confuses me is when she said that she is not saying no to me forever, just for right now. What do you think that means? By the way, I have decided to let her know that it would be better if I celebrate by birthday with my family and friends. I have also decided to go back and take latin dance classes. I took them for 10 months back in 2002 and it was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I also get a chance to meet some new people. I am doing my best not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past. I have had no contact with her since Monday and I've decided that when she calls me about the birthday dinner next week, I will politely ask her for a raincheck and tell her that I need time to rebuild my life. I'll also make it clear that in 90 days I am moving on with my life and leaving her behind. I waited 4 years before getting back in the game and this time I don't intend to wait that long. Still, it hurts a lot because she was a nice person who I still believe really loves me.

It would be considerate that she be informed of your decision before the no contact even starts, as she has a right to know as soon as you do, of your decision since she is involved as well. Your relationship has reached a phase that neither of you really knows where you are headed and how you want to handle your futures and stepping back will allow you both to regroup. No relationship can survive unless both partners are clear where they want to go in life, so they can work together to get what they both want. Good Luck.

well bro, I had the same problem, the only thing is she used the break as an opportunity to go n fool around with sum guy. Your girl sounds a lot like my ex sounded like when she went ona break with me, another possibility is that she acctually does need space. So try giving her all the time she needs, don't call her let her call u, if she cares about u then she's going to call u, she's the one who wanted a break so let her have a break, but watch out she may call u even if she is wit sumone else ta see how your holding up, either way don't let her feel like she can't lose u. I'm not awnserin your question juss giving sum advice from personal experience... I hope it works out

Hey Talaniman. Thanks for the advise. I e-mailed her today and let her know that I needed some time. She appreciated it and told me that it was fine for her. I still hurts a lot because the was sorry for hurting me and knows that I am an amazing man. I really wish I did not have to go through this again because I still miss her a lot. I won't see her for the next 5 weeks. This should help and we will get together then. I just wish id did not hurt so much.

Hey Sauce_69. Thanks a lot. It still hurts but the next 5 weeks should help a little. I'll never understand why women leave great guys to decide that they need to find themselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by samurai7

Hey Sauce_69. Thanks a lot. It still hurts but the next 5 weeks should help a little. I'll never understand why women leave great guys to decide that they need to find themselves.

We guys do the same thing. We are all prone to be confused especially when we are younger. Just between me and you, a break-up is supposed to hurt if you cared. No shame in that, but stay busy and enjoy your life without her, move forward with no regrets. You are free to find yourself and be happy. So enjoy it.

I'm in the same kind of situation right now... I see that this happened almost 2 years ago... what happened in the end?