I have not done as well in life as I feel I should. I had a different idea of my life long ago when I was young. I felt the sting of parents divorcing and fighting. Nothing I did was ever good enough... my successes were trampled on by my step-father and was told I was a failure. I wanted a different life, happy childeren, no broken home. Alas, I divorced, one child without a solid family... I broke up with a long term girlfriend, another child with a broken family. Now, I am married living with a wife who only cares how much I have cleaned or cooked or yard work or whatever. I feel a failure to my childeren. I have not been able to put away much money, and next to nothing for their educations. I feel, if I end my life, they will get all the money I have, my wife will have to get off her butt and clean the house or cook her own food. I have not made any difference in anyone's life, nor have I been able to fulfill any of my dreams. The only think I have given my childeren is broken homes, much like I grew up in. But, if I am gone, they will have a decent amount of money each to start a good life off with... college and so forth. I feel this one selflish act will make a better life for them and end my miseable existence. Am I wrong?

Suicide leaves the survivors with terrible and often lifelong guilt and psychological issues that haunt and influence their lives indefinitely. Suicide certainly isn't the "best thing you can do for them." It is not an act that will have a benign influence on your children. Quite the contrary!

Maybe you could provide a little more information, such as age, health factors, etc. I would be more than willing to discuss alternatives and other issues with you. Not sure I can change your mind but can at least clear up some misunderstandings such as the one you presented above.

However it might be more beneficial for you to contact a crisis intervention line. There you would have a live voice. Someone that could respond directly and to which you could express what I am sure must be your many doubts and concerns. Here is a national number, you can remain anonymous... 1-800-273-8255.

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Originally Posted by reebohyeah

I feel this one selflish act will make a better life for them and end my miseable existance. Am I wrong?

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Yes, you are wrong.

Do your children know you love them unconditionally?

How about getting rid of the lazy pos wife and focusing on only your children! You can only break the cycle if your willing! Do them a favor and devote yourself to only them. You could be their rock. Stop comparing and complaining and DO IT!

So, I have read the replies and they all helped me out. I just had a big argument with the wife, so time will tell if we split or not... right now, things seem okay. I am also putting more money away for my sons' educations and such. I have put the gun away and trying my best to be there for my sons'. I would try counseling, but insurance doesn't cover much if anything at all and the meds do nothing but mess me up more. I thank all who answered and gave their advice.

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Originally Posted by reebohyeah

I would try counseling, but insurance doesn't cover much if anything at all

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Many counselors and social workers who counsel have a sliding scale based on income. Catholic Charities and Lutheran Social Services (who don't demand you be of their faith or even Christian) will definitely find a way for you to afford their counseling. There may be a good counseling program available though your township or county social services department. And, even if the counseling is low-cost, you will be getting the full benefits of a counselor's skills and the confidentiality that should be implicit in the counseling practice.

Counselors aren't in that business to get rich; they only want to help people get their lives back on track. If someone is trying to get rich, run fast in the other direction!

I'm a counselor and do not claim payment from insurance. I accept only what the client can afford. Please check into this. Going to a session once a week could be the best thing you ever did.

Let me (us) know if I (we) can help you find someone in your area.

I live near Rochester, NY. I have looked around and everything charges too much. I may have found a way I can see the VA here in town, since I am a vet with known mental health issues. Again, thanks for the advice.

VA has the best and most advanced mental health care system in the world.

You are in good hands.

You have already overcome the main obstacle to lifting the dark mood... you have moved from the dungeon of dark thoughts to expressing your feelings openly so that they can be dealt with in a objective way. It gets easier from here and I have every confidence in improvement.

I wish you the best. Please keep us informed.

I live near Rochester, NY.

I'm from a small town NW of Rochester and just south of the lake, so I'm familiar with that area. Most of my family still live there.

Like DrBill said, the VA is the perfect place to find help.

Please stay in touch!

So it seems, I am not going to get any help. I have been close so many times lately. I have to be strong for so many others and none will hear me. I don't know if I even care to talk about it anyway. It seems so difficult to get out anymore. The drugs always cause me all kinds of problems and nothing ever seems to work very long... I seem to build up an immunity or something like that over time. I don't ever see how anyone gets good help with out lots of money. I apologize to you all who have tried to help me, but I think I am done with this and writing here and bringing people down. I hope you all have good and happy lifes.

-rp

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Originally Posted by reebohyeah

So it seems, I am not going to get any help.

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What happened with the VA?

Would you allow a counselor to come to your home to help you work your way out of this? I still have my fingers in the pie there and probably could find someone who would work within your financial situation too.

I can sure understand your frustration. Depression often immobilizes or renders one minimally able to function. Then you are confronted with a health care system that requires extraordinary effort to even be seen. If it's of any benefit, please understand that has nothing to do with you but rather the arcane system.

If you can provide some details of the problems you're encountering maybe we can come up with some solutions or practical avenues to pursue.

ADDED: I'm also interested in the question about VA mentioned by Wondergirl. If you're having a problem with them there may be a shortcut available. Please advise.