Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend for the last 14 years just died

My on again of again boyfriend for the last 14 years just died. He was my first love and my last. Over the years we were together and were apart, had fights but were always THERE for each other. We had plans to get married, and understood that once he had worked out some issues that was where we were headed. Our situation was complicated but never once did I think this would happen - we always knew we were meant to be, and would end up together. I miss him so much and the pain is so great... I really don't know if I can go on the rest of my life without him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EECAMM

My on again of again boyfriend for the last 14 years just died. He was my first love and my last. Over the years we were together and were apart, had fights but were always THERE for each other. We had plans to get married, and understood that once he had worked out some issues that was where we were headed. Our situation was complicated but never once did i think this would happen - we always knew we were meant to be, and would end up together. I miss him so much and the pain is so great...I really don't know if I can go on the rest of my life without him.

I've asked that this be turned into a new thread. No one will see it here.

First, my sympathy. Honestly, my heart aches. I was widowed over three years ago so I do understand.

I found that you don't really have a big choice here. You HAVE to go on. My late husband once said it very clearly - I would do him no honor if I did NOT go on. And so I have.

Grief differs. Everyone grieves in a different way. The most frustrating thing for me was people who told me what my husband would want for me. Really? How did they know. I used to grind my teeth. He told ME so I knew but, really, some advice is just plain stupid and frustrating. People mean well. They just don't know what to say.

Every relationship has ups and downs. I hope you aren't agonizing or beating yourself up over the relationship. Fault or no fault or anything in between doesn't matter at this time.

I'll tell you it will get easier. I know. I didn't believe it either. The first time I laughed (when a neighbor reminded me of something my husband had said) I felt so guilty I went home and cried. If it didn't get better everyone who has lost a partner would go absolutely insane - and I'm not joking.

You will grieve and get better and get worse and grieve on your own time schedule, at your own pace.

If it helps at all, why don't you come back and tell us about your fiancé? What made him special? How did you meet? I'm no intruding. I just found that talking about my husband was helpful and healing.

Again, I'm so sorry. I wish I had a magic answer but I don't. If crying helps, cry. If sleeping 24/7 helps (and you can afford to do that), that's what you need to do.

Take care of yourself.

I can't add anything to JudyKayTee's sweet and thoughtful reply.
(Especially the stage where you can laugh, but then feel guilty... I suppose that gradually leads to being about to laugh with true happiness over having had him in your life.)

I too would like to hear about your fiancé. Given that you were on and off over 14 years, I wonder if the fighting is clouding your grief with too much guilt. Even the most wonderful relationships, when one dies, cause guilt. What we said, what we didn't say. But the more the fighting, or the more we were absent, the worse our grief can be. Grief should follow a progression, and if it doesn't, it's time to talk to someone about possible guilt. I'm not denying how difficult/different life is without the one you love one bit! That will be there a very long time, in some sense forever, even when it's way below the surface.

I'm so sorry for you, I know how you feel, its been six months now, I'm 24 and id been with my boyfriend for 6 years, we have a 3 year old daughter. Just like you, me and my boyfriend had our ups and downs, he had an alcohol problem and a few months before his accident I told him we couldn't be together, I loved him so much but I was afraid his issues were starting to effect our daughter. He knocked on the door of our house at 3 in the mornong, he was drunk, our daughter woke up, so I told him to go away. He eventually did. I got the phone call the next morning. As he was walking home, he was hit by a truck and killed instantly. The guilt is killing me. If only I let him in. I miss him so much, our daughter talks about him all the time. Some days are okay, I try to keep busy. Some days I can't get out of bed. Me and my daughter moved in with my parents and I've been hospitalised twice. I'm on anti depressents, I'm just taking it day by day. If anyone on this wants to talk one to one and help each other get through this, that would be great. I go to bereavment counselling but its one on one with the counseller but I think someone who is actually experiencing this really could be the only one who k nows how it feels. Life is so hard sometimes.

Everyone has a painful, personal story. I was told my husband was brain dead. I didn't believe it. I had MORE tests done. They told me he was brain dead and there would be reversal.

I signed permission to take him off life support. I relive that, wondering, wondering, wondering, at least twice a week.