I am 26, and my boyfriend is 28. We haven't been together very long and he NEVER wants to have sex, and when we do, he is usually telling me to hurry. He says he's just not a man who wants to have sex all the time, but he will look at porn and masterbate almost daily. He tells me there is something wrong with me because I want to have sex more then him, quite a bit more. We have only been dating about 9 months and I am scared,even though I know sex isn't everything, that this problem is going to break us up. I can't talk with him about it because he gets very upset anytime I mention sex, and tells me I'm a sex addict. He tells me he just isn't attracted to me in that way all the time which is very hurtful, and then he turns around and tells me he loves me very much though. I just don't know how to take all of this.ADVICE PLEASE!!

Hello I'm a pilot for Lufthansa and let me say that my wife always wants it but I'm away for 4 to 5 days a week and it puts stess on her, so when I get back I treat her to a special night where it's a very romantic special occasion. I think he has got used to not having sex and pleasing himself, so you need to spice up your sex life anyway possible, maybe watching porn whilst having sex may help.

Best of luck Flugkapitan Wolfgang schwarzstein.

The first thing I am going to say is something that one of our Sex Experts says that I fully agree with: If you can't talk about sex, then you probably shouldn't be having it.

Does he show affection or share intimacy in other ways?

Could any of the following be affecting his libido:
Medical issues
Medicines
Self-medicating (alcohol, drugs, etc.)
Stress from work, family, school, friends, etc.
Exhaustion/being overly tired
Fear of pregnancy
etc.

How often do you try to get him to have sex?

It sounds like you may have very different libidos and expectations of a healthy sex-life. If he is unwilling to discuss the issues with you, then there isn't much you can do. To be honest, it sounds like he is doing just enough to keep you around on his terms and isn't interested in building a fully healthy relationship based on communication and compromise. You can keep trying to talk to him, but I think you will just get more of the attack when you do something he doesn't like followed by the olive branch to pull you back. That is extremely manipulative behavior and I personally wouldn't put up with it. In a way he is treating you like a child. A hard smack on the hand when you reach for the cookie jar followed by a pat on the head when you back off. Pretty soon (if you haven't started already) you slow down or stop expecting anything out of him that meets your needs just to get that pat on the head that meets his.

I think you need to sit down with him and explain how you and why. Listen to what he has to say. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. If he is unwilling to communicate or continues to attack your sexuality, then I think you need to walk away and let yourself heal. If things continue the way they are, I don't think you will ever be fully happy in this relationship.

He shows affection, yes... quite often. He cuddle all night with me, but when it comes to sex, he dosen't want it very often. He has had a lot of partners over the years and I am scared that that's his thing, always needing someone new,that's where the porn comes in, always a new face.
He won't even let me try and get him "in the mood" and when we talk about it, it always turns into an argument.
He says he loves me, but just doesn't want to have sex all the time, it just feels like rejection when he never wants to have sex.

Does he have any MEDICAL issues? When's the last time he had a physical?

I'm in your boyfriend's shoes, honestly. I NEVER want sex right now. I have a very stressful job, and I have medical issues that make me feel ill and nauseous often, and make me very tired--I'm pregnant. Even before I fell pregnant, though, I had a lower sex drive than my husband, and almost all of it can be traced to medical issues.

Depression, hormonal problems, weight gain, and stress are all HUGE libido killers.

That being said--when's the last time you tried to talk to your boyfriend about this when it was NOT in bed? When's the last time you went for a drive and said "This is how I feel". NO blaming him. No pointing out HIS problems. You talk about YOUR problems that stem from your lack of sex. And if you can't talk about it as reasonable, rational adults, then you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

Please realize that YOU have issues here too--you base part of your self-esteem on whether he desires you.

You need to talk to each other about the whole thing, and if you can't do that then one or both of you are not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship anyway.

I completely agree that I have issues as well, I do not feel like he loves me or wants me if he dosen't want to have sex with me, so maybe this isn't a problem in him, rather in me. We've talked about this time and time again. He always ends up telling me he just dosen't enjoy sex that much but his actions speak louder then words... he is constintly looking at porn and masterbating... makes me feel like its just me he doesn't want to have sex with and would rather look at them then at me.

Porn and masturbation are not about attraction as much as they are expediency. It is easier and faster to pleasure yourself instead of trying to explain to another person what you like or to be concerned about what another person wants or needs. It can be common to go through periods of not wanting sex but wanting sexual gratification/release that masturbation brings especially when the individual is tired, emotionally or physically exhausted, stressed, depressed, worried, feeling pressured, ill, etc. I am getting the impression that this isn't just a 'period' for him, but a way of life which is something very different.

You have covered what his expectations are. What are yours?

1. How often do you want sex with him?
2. How often do you attempt to have sex with him?
3. How often do you discuss the differences in what you both want and need?
4. Do you masturbate?
5. Taking him out of the picture, do you feel sexy and attractive to yourself?
6. Has he told you what he doesn't enjoy about intercourse?

To be honest, it sounds like both of you are on very different paths when it comes to sex in a relationship. He has been honest and told you he doesn't enjoy intercourse for whatever his reasons are. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change his perception of intercourse. Are you willing to accept that while he may love you and find you attractive he just isn't into sex?

All of these answers have helped me in some ways, I let my boyfriend read the replies today and he said himself, that most of what you guys have said, is him to a T. We had a nice talk and came to an agreement. He said, its not about not having sex at all, but just sometimes.(about two times a week)
He really agreed with the porn comments as well.
thanks for all your help=)

I am so glad you are communicating and hopefully finding a compromise that works for you.

Good luck.

Some great information , good post

You and Cat have left little to say, great posts

I am 26, and my boyfriend of almost a year, is 28. When I first came, we had a great relationship, sex all the time, then after about 2 weeks, it started to slow down, he would tell me it was because sex with me wasn't a turn on and he just wasn't a sexual person. He has been very MANY partners and none of them have stayed or made any kind of long term relationship out of it.
I am a sexual person and almost feel like it's just me in the wrong here. He tells me that he loves me, and he'll cuddle with me at night, but when it comes to sex, he just isn't into me. Can he actually love me and not want to have sex with me? He will masterbate whenever I am not at home and gets mad at me when I bring the conversation up about sex. I just don't know what to do. I love him, and know sex isn't everything, but it would be nice to have it once in a while. We have sex maybe once a month.

Sounds like he's addicted to his own hand.

Or you may just have mismatched drives.

Either way, if you can't have an adult conversation about sex, it's never going to change--and it will do nothing but wear down your self-esteem in the meantime.

If he will not see a physician and find out the cause of his low libido (except for the masturbation)--I'd just chalk this relationship up to experience and look for someone whose libido matched my own.

How do you know he masturbates every time you aren't home?

You share his life and his bed. Presumably you discuss other problems in your relationship. Ask him.

Perhaps he has a physical problem. Only he (and possibly his Physician) know for sure.

threads merged

I have merged your threads because they are both dealing with the same issue that doesn't seem to have changed since April. What have you tried since then?

Edited to ask question.