Why does she hate, and refuse to listen?
I am a 47 year old man. I was in a 7 year relationship with a great woman, who is now 49, and we had made plans for our future together. We weren't abusive to each other. We enjoyed the same things. In short it was a really great relationship. Somehow we began to fall apart, but really that's not the issue I am asking about. I am aware of the reasons for it and I take full responsibility for my part of the demise of our relationship.
I am more concerned with the aftermath of the break up. She left me, but since I have left women before, and I have been left by women before. For some reason, this time, I could not get past it, and I don't know why. I fell into a very deep depression that lasted about 5-7 months. Even that's not really the issue I inquire about. Well anyway, unfortunately, I spent those months in depression pestering her to return to our relationship. I was pathetic to say the least. She thought I was a psycho, and at the time, I would have to agree I was. Although I never imposed myself on her physically in any way, I never drove by her house or work, never followed her, or showed up where she would be. I never asked our mutual friends about her, or inquired anyone about what she was doing or who she might be with. I encouraged our mutual friends to remain friends with both of us, and always respected her privacy. I never called her at work or discussed anything with her family or friends. I did nothing that could be construed a stalking nor did I do anything that might be considered obtrusive.
What I did do, was pester her relentlessly with texts and emails. It was about one a day, maybe a few less, for 6 months. I would call her on occasion, but not often, and sent her a few emails. I got no responses. Finally the time came for me that I felt good again, I was coming out of my depression, and I had quit the texting and emailing for several months. I ran across an item in a town I had visited, that I knew she had always wanted. I bought it, I sent it to her work address by UPS just to insure she would get it. Several days went by and I received an email from her. The email was a nasty, name calling and angry narrative that questioned the integrity of my mental stability, and with malice called me a psycho. I was shocked and hurt to say the least. I realized though that this was most likely a reaction from my previous barrage of texting and emails.
I wrote back trying to explain and apologize for that period of pain I went through. I know that I caused her great anguish, and asked for her forgiveness, which she rudely and with malice denied me in her response by telling me that she does not read my text, or my emails. She immediately deletes them and wants me to leave her the %$#@ alone, or she will be forced to file charges. This all took place around August of last year.
Since then I have sent very few texts. A card for her birthday, and nary an email. Not a single phone call, all in which I was nice and respectful and in which I tried to explain and apologize for my transgression during my depression. In these I tried to explain that I accepted some time ago we are through and it is my only wish that we heal from this and move on. Even now she thinks that I still want her back. I have made it very clear that I don't want her back, but I also don't want a hatred between us. She rarely responds to the very few texts I send saying this. If she does respond, its downright ugly and totally uncalled for. I have sent her only two texts in the last 5 months and she has replied to one of them in the very same manner. The last time, she tried to trick me into believing she had a boyfriend texting me to back off. $4.95 to an online cell number trace gave me the name and info as to who it actually was. Just a friend of hers that I also know. I have no ill will for him, and he was actually pretty respectful in his text to me.
I have no ill will for her, I don't want the relationship back, yet I feel an overwhelming need to take responsibility for the actions and anguish I caused by them during my depressed state. I want to write her an apology letter, but I know that she will not read it. If she read it she would be aware that I am not about hurting her and am not trying to regain the relationship. Effectively she hates my guts. I don't like that, but I can live with it. What I can't live with though is her ignorance of my sincere remorse and regret for the actions I took, and the anguish I caused, by sending her all of those ridiculous texts and emails during my depressed state. I am not one who is prone to violence, but I have a suspicion that there may be some trouble coming from her via friends maybe getting physical with me on her behalf and quite possible with her full knowledge. She does not know this, but I have a concealed firearms carry permit and I do so everywhere I go. I am not about killing anyone, but will not hesitate if I am forced with the threat present danger to me or mine. I no longer have a romantic love for her, but I do respect her and myself enough to want to do the right thing by her. I don't mean to make her appear like a nut case or a total bit&^, because she really is a great person and a wonderful friend, or at least she was.
Any advice? Sorry this was so long, I actually tried to make it much shorter, without losing the pertinent points.
Thank you in advance for your time and consideration,
I appreciate any feedback offered.
Blondewop
Comment on talaniman's post
I think what your finding is that you enjoy stroking your own ego. There is only one sentence in this that could even remotely construed as constructive. I will let you figure out what it is. Makes my heart hurt to know that people are listening to you. This is so irresponsible on many levels, including; 1. You obviously did not read the question. 2. You only succeeded in building up your own self importance by being condescending and thus completely failed at allowing me to take you seriously. 3. Your judgmental attitude permeates your entire narrative and you should not be allowed to to talk with strangers unchaperoned. 4. Your insulting tone and 3rd grade use of grammer; well, it speaks for itself. 5. The whole of this reply should serve as a warning to all that you only serve yourself, and that because you actually, and falsely believe that you have the ability, the education, qualifications and expertise to psycho-analyse others; THEY SHOULD RUN! FAR AWAY FROM YOU!
Comment on ken007nielsen's post
You read the question. This is a person who takes helping others seriously and does not employ it like those who would use it to stroke themselves into the warm and fuzzy feeling they get by "helping" Your reply was forthright, yet respectful. Several avenues of thought were brought forth by your insight.
Although this is exactly what I did not want to hear, it was in fact truth, and afforded me opportunity to investigate it's validity in my own mind. It was short, to the point, yet it said everything. Even made me think that maybe I have traded the earlier obsession of reconciliation, for the obsession of creating peace by apology.
I know now that the latter is, by all means the right thing to do, but also is a fantasy, and if proceeded with, will achieve nothing but creating more grief for us both. Thank you. I am pleased that you have taken it upon yourself to reply to my answer. The others, purely irresponsible for the knowledge of me possess of me. Thanks again.
Comment on mystific's post
I'm hip, but when dealing with folks that you don't know, I find it completely irresponsible to belittle, judge, and be condescending. Myself, I can take it, but there are many out there who would likely strike out in violent rage. I am sure he is quite helpful to some. But care must be observed, public forum or not. In person or not, people are people and you cannot generalize them and expect them all to take their ball and quietly go home. Some of the less balanced people, God bless them, will undoubtedly, at some point react to this type of condescension in violent and detrimental ways. Innocent people will get hurt. Is it really worth the ego stroke to behave in such a manner. In my opinion; absolutely not. Thank you, your post is indeed a fair and valid viewpoint.
Comment on mystific's post
"She left me, but since I have left women before and I have been left by women before. For some reason, this time I could not get past it" This is what I said, nothing about "prior to this" but yes, the rug was pulled out from me. I have never left a woman without allowing her face to face respect & dignity. I whole-heartedly agree with your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th paragraphs, and this is one of the reasons I asked the original question. I felt like I was something so foreign to myself and now that I am, for lack of a better word, in control again. I want so much to understand why or how I allowed myself to become something that I also abhor with passion. I only texted, and emailed. All of my writings to her were respectful and non threatening, but I'm hip, they were unwanted and unwarranted. I never imposed myself on her in any other manner. Not that this is a brownie point for me, but want to clarify the level of my transgression. Gotcha on #6 Thank you, I appreciate you.