My wife and I dated in college and after I proposed she confided that her father sexually abused her and was going public in her family about it. I loved her and stayed with our marriage plans but her father was not invited and did not attend our marriage. 2 yrs later we had a son and she was great. Then our next child was a daughter and she had started to change. I wasn't very bright about it and we started to argue a lot. Through her work she met a lady in an abusive relationship and befriended her and ended up in a church (not ours) where they and pressure from her mother and sisters to forgive her father and that dad had been healed by God. I supported her in her decisions but found I had become the new bad guy because we would argue sometimes. I came home from a business trip to find she move home with the 2 kids. I love my wife and pursued her with counseling we got back together and had another son. Children now 11, 14, and 16. I am not perfect by any means and when I do anything wrong it seams I am looked at like the worst person in the world. She just told me that when she or I goes away trips she no longer misses me and we are done. We have gone to a great counselor but whenever subject turns to her she has stopped going. I will again take whatever hits I have to to save my marriage as I still love her. My question is with her mind on the way out of our marriage, how do I win her back? I can't give up.

I don't know that you DO win her back when the situation has deteriorated to this degree. Counselling is the usual recommended route. Go by yourself if she won't go.

Why are you the "worst person in the World?" Does she have any reasons for her change in heart? Is it some sort of religious conflict?

We married catholic and her whole family changed to evangelical. Not that there is anything wrong with that but her father use it to influence and my wife. We would attend periodically and it's nice but I feel she looking for spiritual answers to her unhappiness but not resolving her childhood. She isn't happier and can't be mad at God so she is mad at me to the extreme if I do something wrong. My kids know the words "I'm sorry" doesn't come out of her mouth ever. It's always somebody else's fault for even the simplest of things. I know it doesn't look good for me here but I love her. Thanks for answering. I'm doing this partly to think out loud and accept others thoughts.

I'm impressed by your thinking. You've really thought this out - an angle I never thought about and you may very well be right.

How you fix it? I don't know.

You don't fix her or win her back, you fix what YOU don't like about yourself, and be a great dad, and give her the time and space to find whatever it is she is looking for.

I think she is convinced her actions are right, and will not change until she is proved wrong. Let life do that not you, as its your responsibility to build a life you are happy with, without her in it. Put yourself first, for a change, whether she likes it, or not. You have kids who need you, don't let them down.

That's the only battle you invest in and it's the only one that's a priority right now, the happiness and relationship of you and your kids.

Don't let her distract you from this. That's by no means giving up, but redirecting your focus on more important things.

Out of greenies - but, yes, OP needs to find peace within himself and then go forward from there.

Thank you guys! I do have a great relationship with my kids. I think a big part of her disconnect with me is how busy we are with the kids with sports dance school and their friends. This is a huge regret I have in not seeing some of this coming and making more us time.

Agree with the others, and since you also feel that you may not have given enough attention to your relationship, with everything else that is going on, try to find the time to focus more in that direction as well.

Does your wife know why she is unhappy? Has she been able to verbalize anything? You can't change her childhood for her, or even how she may choose to deal with what occurred. All you can do is be the best father and husband that you know how to be right now.

Continue the counseling for yourself since you find it helpful. Let her know that you believe your marriage and family are too important not to work for it.

Why is she angry? Lots of reasons and no reasons would be an easy answer but I'm not perfect and I'm sure I haven't been emotionally tied into this need enough and if it's not too late will look and try to sense things better. When my youngest started school she wanted a small dog to show and now years later she just had it compete in westminister NYC. She is getting ready to breed and shows are over for now. The woman she shows with recently is nice but also divorced. Could mean nothing but could just be another piece of my puzzle here. P.S. We may have taken 1 step back from the cliff here after a conversation today. Nothing certain but thank you all.

Maybe because of her past, she may not know what a healthy relationship with a man is really all about.

Its also been my experience that where there is anger, there is an underlying fear behind it. From where, or of what? Know way to even guess. But I will, LOL, because its really not unusual to transfer our anger, and hatred, unto our partners that has started somewhere else. I mean, where else can it go since she had to forgive her father?

Stay cool, calm, and collected, and more will be revealed, if you can set aside your own hurt, and confusion to understand what you are seeing.

Any time you need to "talk," let it out - someone is here. Keep that in mind.

And nothing is forever - nothing good, nothing bad.

Let us know how you are.

Letter to my wife: I love you! Yesterday I had a breakdown. I was unable to control myself and cried for hours. I finally realized that this is MY fault. I now truly know that I failed you my wife. People have always said that marriage is a give and take. When I was in counseling, I was helped as a person but I still wanted 'give and take' to mean 'both of us had fault'. I know now that when you give and take, I was more upset about how the take made me feel rather than how the give did. ANY complaint I ever had was on how my "take" felt. When I felt like something was not right I behaved like a spoiled child. Over the years when I'm confronted with my mistakes, I would stubbornly react and shoot my mouth off with emotional hurtful comments that were born out of fear and stupidity that I never meant and didn't believe but couldn't stop myself from saying. I'm sorry for not having been man enough to be a good husband. I was a child. If you could in your heart find mercy to give me a chance. I promise to be selfless in our marriage and be the man and husband you needed and in my heart I always wanted to be. I will serve you as a dutiful loving spouse. All things done together by the family as a family. I am a new. I will be different. I'm begging you for this last chance. I love you!

I love your letter, it was great and heartfelt, and painful. I hope it helped you.

I will tell you honestly though that establishing communications through the wellbeing of your common interest, your kids, will be more impressive than a letter. That's the best action, to emphasize your words, being great parents apart, for now any way, as you build your own life that makes you happy without her. That would help you both.

I don't know what reaction you will get by giving it to her though, it could hurt. Burn it, or put it away for now, and give it some thought before you do.

It's a nice letter, but I have to disagree in part. I don't think it is all your fault. It sounds more like a letter written out of desperation.

From what you have shared she had a difficult childhood, you married, had a child, all was well... then you had another child, she met a new friend, started attending a new church, made a life changing decision to forgive her father, you supported her, the two of you argued now and then, you go away on a business trip and come home to find she has moved out with the kids.

She obviously went through some major changes in her life and it appears you were left out of the loop. Counseling was attempted, but when it got to her, she refused to continue going with you. Maybe she didn't want to have to look at her own role in the relationship not doing so well.

I am wondering if she has indeed been able to forgive her father and let her past go. I wonder why she has had so much anger towards you. And I wonder why she won't continue to attend counseling.

You say you will take whatever hits you need to in order to save your marriage, but it that what you really want? To continue to be the brunt of her anger, to continue to take all the blame when things aren't going well?

Yes, you probably realize that there were things you could have handled differently along the way. Been more available, more understanding, spent more time with her and the kids, etc.. Certainly you can let her know that you realize this, apologize for it, and let her know that you want to do better, but she needs to realize her role in this as well.

Maybe more of a focus on working together to strengthen your marriage, working together to rebuild what you had and make it even better, and working together to have the sort of loving family you both envisioned, instead of you taking full responsibility for all that went wrong.

Once she knows you want to work at making things better, then the ball will be in her court and you will have to wait and see where things go. In the meantime, I agree with the suggestion of working on YOU, and spending time with your children.

Thank you. We are still in the same house and have started counseling together. I don't know what to expect except that I offered myself to give up everything so there are no excuses that I am not going to work at our marriage. I believe there us still hope here and I love her. I trust our counselor and I pray and believe we can get through this together.

Hey all, its been a while and so I thought I would give an update. We are in counseling and we are working things out. I no longer feel devorce is eminent and in fact honestly feel that we will be able to stay together. We still have work to do but feel we are on the right track finally. I don't know how much I will check this but please accept my sincere thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. If you are new to this site, speak your heart out and let the echo bring back to you some hope and wisdom from the good people here. I know every marriage is special and worth saving if at all possible. Thank you all and God Bless!

So very glad to hear that things are moving in the right direction. Thank you for taking the time to provide an update. Wishing you and your wife much success!