My boyfriend and I have been going out for 3 years now. Last Dec. we mutually broke up because we were having stupid relationship problems like bad communication and insecurities between each other, which could have been solved, but we chose to take the other ultimatum.

We were broken up for 8 months, within a month after we broke up or so, I started talking to this other guy, a guy that was giving me a lot of attention, something that I was in need for since I was so weak and insecure feeling about myself because of our breakup. Anyway, this guy was a rebound because every time hed bring up a conversation about getting more serious with each other I always held back and was too insecure to say no I'm not interested I would always say "well i dont no...i need more time to think about it.." so it would always be at that level.

I really really missed my ex so I would always text him and call him and try to contact him in anyway because I would break and be weak and not resist my feelings.. So my ex and I would talk sometimes and even at times, we would reconnect and talk to each other and tryyyy to work things out.. but always after a week, he would freak out and say "I can't do this anymore I cant.." because he knew about my rebound guy. The thing that I did that was the biggest mistake, was that I lied to my ex while we were trying to work things out. I wouldn't be honest with him meaning not telling him the truth about stuff including the guy that I was seeing or whatever. I lied to him about going on vacation alone when I really went with the guy, I lied to him that I was not talking to him anymore but really it was because every time wed try to work things out, he would always fall back and say I can't do this anymore, so id be weak again and fall back on the other guy but then the week after my ex and I would talk again random so id tell myself okay I don't want to talk to the other guy anymore like who cares about him right?

Anyway, I would lie to my ex because I figured that the truth would hurt him too much so I was trying to control the situation by lying to him because I would be too scared that he would leave me for good if I would tell him the truth, but of course that was immature and of course lying is worse than telling the truth. I lied to him several times. So now, we did get back together in July and have been together ever since, and I have been totally honest with him, the rebound guy is obviously out of my life and everything is good, except he just can't seem to let go of he past because he says that I hurt him realllllyyy reallly bad and that its almost like its worse than cheating and all... but correct me if I'm wrong, we wernt together, so... he also fooled around with a couple of people while we were broken up and I am not punishing him for it.

I totally understand the fact that I made a mistake big time for lying to him about stuff that I was doing with the other guy while we wernt together, like lying was not the right answer at all and I no I am in the wrong for that, but was it really that bad?

sometimes I feel like he's just hurt because the woman he loves questionned her feelings about him so he feels maybe insecure jealous and what not... and he's just trying to blame everything on me and make me feel totally guilty about it.. I don't know..

He still brings up the past when he's not feeling well and thinks about it... and then he goes in this mode of resentment towards me and he wants to hurt me as much as he's hurt so its kind of like a revenge thing... I let him to that when we first got back together, but now, I feel that time has been long enough and its getting a bit stale to bring it up still and try to tell me that I'm still hiding something..

please help me because I really truly love him he's my best friend my everything and I really look forward to spending the rest of my life with him but this is eat away at our relationship and ruin it for good.. did I ruin it for good??

His inability to let go of the past and what you did when you were broken up is ruining the relationship.


Yes,you lied to him-never a clever move,and,as you admit that was immature,but he too saw other people.

Unless you can talk honestly about what you want from your relationship and work in earnest to rebuild your mutual trust,you're heading for a fall.

We talk about it often and when we talk about it, I remind him that we need to let this go and move on or else we will be living a miserable relationship, and he always says well its easy for you to say, your not the one who got hurt, and it just takes time, a lot of time... but how much time will you look at me and know that I don't do those mistakes anymore :s...

This will probably seem harsh.

If he doesn't trust you, he should get out of the relationship and move on. This should have been worked through before you got back together.

That said, you need to understand that you messed up by repeatedly lying to him. You damaged the trust because you didn't want to face the responsibility and reality of your actions. I am wondering if you have truly faced the damage that you caused. I see a lot of excuses and rationalizations along with 'yeah, I know lying is wrong', but very little comprehension of damage. I am hoping that your post is only coming across that way because you are tired of his attitude about the situation.

Have you sat down and tried talking to him about everything that happened and how his bringing it up hurts you? Has he talked about how much your lying affected his trust in you? If it would help clear the air, you might look into couple's counseling or find a neutral third party to mediate a discussion.

If he isn't willing to let the past go and work with you to rebuild the trust, then you may have to walk away. You shouldn't stay in a relationship if it is turning abusive.

Yes, we have had many conversations about how he is extremely affected by my lying and that I am feeling hurt every time he feels resentment towards me and yes, I have mentioned to him about a third party perhaps maybe would help but truly believes that it is too much of an embarrissing story to tell and that he is 100% right on how he views it so everyone would just agree with him yet he has not spoken to anyone about it for help except trying to talk about it with me but I am the person who hurt him so everything I say or do is never good enough for him. I just want to know if he has a full right to say that what I did was as bad as he makes it seem even though we wernt together...

But when I do let him know that when he feels hurt and tries to hurt me in return so that I could feel his pain, I let him know that I am still human and hey, this doesn't make me feel good, but in his opinion, he feels that he has every right to after all what Ive done to him so I shouldn't complain and if I do, I am being selfish and self-centered.

Let this go, you both need a lot of healing, and time apart, out of relationships.

Understand, you both have too many resentments to even give each other half a chance, and while you don't see your lying as a big deal he does, and hasn't gotten over it, and never will while you two are still not able to even argue without past hurts being brought up. Not only that, what broke you up in the first place, is still very much alive, and well and working against you.

You are forcing things now, not working together, and that's typical when a relationship fails, and even the break up failed, because their was no time taken for a proper healing, but I doubt either of you will understand until you really start hating each other.

You could try counseling together, but without hands on guidance, neither one of you will find a way to help each other until there is a peaceful, thoughtful time away from each other.