Ask Me Help Desk - Still dating ex-husband

My marriage of 18 years ended 6 months ago. During our marriage I tried very hard to "fit" in with his family. I never quite got there because I was seeking approval from people I didn't really like and as a result liked myself even less. I made the worst mistake of my life by using cocaine in the last three years prior to divorce for reasons that today make no sense. I was no longer bothered that his family only called his cell phone and never our home , I didn't feel "bypassed". I didn't feel anything. After I decided to play a positive role in my life and remove myself from drugs and associates, we got divorced. I explained to him after he wanted to continue the relationship that I would always strive to live in a healthy way. Physical and emotional. I was for the first time honest about the hurt I felt being somewhat of an outsider in his family relationships(previously I expressed it in anger).I feel I am creating a new trust with him by my actions ,however I haven't seen that effort from him regarding his family. I never want to hurt him again but I still feel he has 2 lives , one with me and one with his family. My question, after the long winded story is ; how do I tell him that even though I love him I will never go back to anything that resembles what we had and I don't see it changing?

I think that I've gone through the same thing. My bset advice would be to talk to him, tell him that you enjoy being together, but at the same time in a marriage you are more important then they are at times. Sorry but its pretty ignorant when he can't tell his family to get over what ever it is they don't like about you. Maybe they just expect too much for him. He needs to tell his family that you are his partner, friend and that he will not toerat them being rude to you. Personally, ths happened to me. My family hate's my fiancé because he gives me good advice that goes against them. They think I'm a child who can't fend for myself. Anyway, I told them that he is my support system and that if they don't like him fine, but you will treat him with respect. And possiblay like him one day. In my situation, they didn't listen, so I disowned them. They make my life hard by not caring and being rude. I chose to put myself out and I don't regret it at all. So, in you situation, if he loves you at all, he will tell his family off. Seems to me he's a ''mama's boy'' he likes to keep the peace and not share his feelings with his parent's. First of all, he's a grown man, his parent's can't tell him who to see and who not to see. So he needs to grow a back bone, parent's are no better then the next door neighbor. All the same, and if they are good people they will grow up and get over it. I mean, I think that whole this is childish. If he doesn't do this, leave him. You need a man, woho can express his feelings and who isn't afraid of his family. Also who realizes your family too! Your more important.

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My question, after the long winded story is ; how do I tell him that even though I love him I will never go back to anything that resembles what we had and I don't see it changing?

Actions speak louder than words and since you are divorced already then there is nothing else to say or strive for, there is no reason to be talking and if you know nothing will change, how about going on your merry way and don't bother contacting him at all. There is nothing said about children so get a life you enjoy without him and close that chapter of your life.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Actions speak louder than words and since you are divorced already then there is nothing else to say or strive for, there is no reason to be talking and if you know nothing will change, how about going on your merry way and don't bother contacting him at all. There is nothing said about children so get a life you enjoy without him and close that chapter of your life.

Perhaps I didn't say it all. You see, we have a loving relationship and more importantly are friends. I would like there to be something that doesn't feel so segregated. There are children ; his (26), mine (26) and OURS (22) in age ,that is, not amount LOL! I wonder if it's possible to be in a "negative" comfort zone. Any advice would be considered.
Thanks to all.

Until you come to the conclusion that you want and deserve a happy life without him, you never will get one, so start being straight with yourself, and settle for the negative zone or move beyond his influence into something that YOU want, Without him

Deborah, what does he say about his family's behavior toward you and does he justify it or does he validate your feelings? If he does nothing, says nothing, can you, without fighting or raising your voices, get him to talk about it with you?

If you really love each other and feel that you can make it work, in spite of his family, than do it. You say you don't really like them anyway and having no small children makes it easier for you to not have to visit them or call them. If he's okay with going to visit his family without you, than you shouldn't mind either. On the day he's gone, go shopping, stay busy and have a nice evening with him when he comes back. Maybe if they see that you guys are working hard and have re-committed, they may change their negative attitude, just don't hold your breath.

[QUOTE=talaniman]Until you come to the conclusion that you want and deserve a happy life without him, you never will get one, so start being straight with yourself, and settle for the negative zone or move beyond his influence into something that YOU want, Without him[/QUOTE

Can I just get a straight answer from you? LOL;) I want this all to go gently, for us all. It's going to take some practice to close a book that long. Baby steps.

Thanks again ;) Deborah

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Originally Posted by Deborah348

My marriage of 18 years ended 6 months ago. During our marriage I tried very hard to "fit" in with his family. I never quite got there because I was seeking approval from people I didn't really like and as a result liked myself even less. I made the worst mistake of my life by using cocaine in the last three years prior to divorce for reasons that today make no sense. I was no longer bothered that his family only called his cell phone and never our home , I didn't feel "bypassed". I didn't feel anything. After I decided to play a positive role in my life and remove myself from drugs and associates, we got divorced. I explained to him after he wanted to continue the relationship that I would always strive to live in a healthy way. Physical and emotional. I was for the first time honest about the hurt I felt being somewhat of an outsider in his family relationships(previously I expressed it in anger).I feel I am creating a new trust with him by my actions ,however I haven't seen that effort from him regarding his family. I never want to hurt him again but I still feel he has 2 lives , one with me and one with his family. My question, after the long winded story is ; how do I tell him that even though I love him I will never go back to anything that resembles what we had and I don't see it changing?

Tell him right away, just make up your mind and get it off your chest!!
Screw his family, they are not living your lives, they are not going to make him as happy as you would. Its only up to you to and between the two of you ONLY!! If you let someone else intrude one way or another, it will be all messed up again.