Ask Me Help Desk - What to do about fathers..

Quote:

Originally Posted by labrat1995

It seems like a typical thing for a almost 16 year old girl to be asking how to get her fathers off her back . However i have a father that has just recently started paying attention to my life until a couple weeks ago he didnt talk to me at all and now all of a sudden he wants to go full throttle in being a parent ... how do i create respect for someone whose never earned it ? i know hes my dad but shouldnt he feel some what less responcible for me ? Also i have a step father whose never really given two ****s in the first place in a small way he has more reason to be involved than my real dad however he only pays attention to the negative aspects of my life ... how do i get them to leave me alone ??

That's a tricky situation, that unfortunately doesn't have a rule book that we can pull out and look up the answer to.

I don't know how long you have had a step father in your life, but from what you said, I presume he has been the main male parent in your life for some time. It is hard enough dealing with one set of parents (step or not), let alone suddenly have your biological dad in the picture, wanting to also parent you.

Then you likely have the typical situation where all three parents are not necessarily on the same page with how they each contribute to your development, while having good communication between themselves.

So where does that leave you. You are growing into your own person, and naturally maturing and needing more independence. In only a few years from now, you will be considering college, or living on your own and working. While that is a hard transition for you to achieve, it is also a difficult position for the adults in your life as well.

How to balance your safety, and at the same time, allow you to essentially grow up. Going from child to adult, with all the difficulties between those two stages of development, is one which, in my opinion is equally hard for you, as it is for the adults in your life.

It sounds like your biological dad has a lot of catching up to do. He may never see you as a young adult, or on the threshold of adulthood, but, rather still a child who needs him to help you through that transition. I think that is where the definition of your relationship with him will be. Him getting to know you, and you allowing him to do so, so he doesn't overwhelm you with expectations that you have probably already passed such as being responsible, doing well in school, etc.

I don't think him in your life is probably a bad thing, but try to start from a position of him being genuinely interested, not wanting to take over your life. While you may just want him to leave you alone, think about a relationship with him, even if it is awkward at first. If he is willing, I hope that you consider at least trying with him.

With your step dad, and him being involved in your life to a much greater degree, your relationship with him, will also have to evolve. He will need to feel confident that he doesn't have to worry so much, and that will come when he sees you successfully and consistently being trustworthy, perhaps less attitude, less arguing on a teen/parent level and more discussion on a young adult/parent level.

Because you are 'only' 16, as a parent myself, there is no automatic shut off switch to parenting. Some 16 year olds need more parenting than other 16 year olds, some mature faster, some not so fast. I get the impression that you feel too much pressure from them, and not enough acceptance of you as a person in your own right who is worthy of more trust.

That kind of thing, comes from actions and behaviours, and from the most important thing of all- sitting around the kitchen table and talking about it. Change won't happen by ignoring them, or your biological father, by shutting them out- which is more a sign of being child like. Change will happen when you can talk to the adults in your life, and start the process of change itself.

So consider your options. If you dig in your heels and remain reluctant to communicate with them, and negotiate changes, changes won't happen.