Ask Me Help Desk - So stupid for putting myself into this situation

Hi AMHD, I just want to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and respond.

I don't actually have a specific question, mostly looking for encouragement and advice.

Here is my situation.

I just started a new job in a new area. I have known some of the other people here form other jobs elsewhere, but for the most part I don't have any good friends yet.
One of the guys that was here up until a few days ago, when we knew each other at our last job he would always flirt with me but in a joking way. I never took him seriously cause he was outrageous with the things he would say in front of other people. I just always laughed it off. He also seemed like a player-type of guy so I didn't even want to go there.

Well since being here I haven't been very good at making friends. Its actually really bringing me don cause I am used to having so many friends I don't know what to do, but now there is no body to talk to, that's why I am here now.

Well Sam, we will call him, has been flirting with me the same way here, and again I have been laughing it off. Then he started texting me asking why I always just laugh at him and why won't I ever give him a chance. I told him how his actions don't leave much room for seriousness, well we ended up hanging out little by little. Watching movies and going to dinner.

Ok before I go on, I have to admit to something else. Sam is married, for the 2nd time, and is getting a divorce, for the second time. I know his current wife is pretty crazy and I have no clue why he even married her. Well he also has a girlfriend, on he is going back to this week

So while we are hanging out and stuff I swore to myself I wasn't going to do anything I would regret. Yeah well one night we started cuddling, and we touched a bit and kissed, he wanted to go further but I refused. I had already gone farther than I should have.

After the first night we had cuddled I felt so guilty and I was beating myself up over it.I knew this was something I did not want to get into. I knew he was leaving in less than 2 weeks and nothing would come of this.

But at the same time I felt so good to have someone who wanted to come hang out with me. He was telling me how jealous another guy had made him feel when he was talking to me. I know without a doubt it was the attention that I enjoyed so much. Well he ended up coming over the last or so nights he was here, and we watched movies, kissed and cuddled. I never did anything more, even though I really wanted to. I had set my limits, and it was constantly screaming in my head that I was only doing this cause he made me feel good, wanted, was giving me the attention I craved. Yet I also kept telling myself it was OK cause neither of us expected anything from each other.

OK here is where it got complicated. The day he was supposed to leave his flight got cancelled, and I was soooo happy to get another night with him. He is funny and sweet, but he is also sensitive and defensive.

Wow this is getting really long. I am sorry! I just need to get all this off my chest. I really don't have anyone else to go to, so please don't be irritated.

The day he left I was a bit distraught. I was telling myself over and over I was being so foolish to get upset when I already knew what I was getting into. I knew he was leaving and that would be it, but a part of me wanted him to like me more and to at least tell me that but he hasn't.

We kept our little hanging out as quiet as we could, but my coworkers/his friends have become suspicious and been asking questions. He joked about all of it to his buddy telling him 'nah we just watched movies, haha, ask her'. Well then his buddy came to me and was saying that Sam told him we had been hooking up for a few weeks now. I figured this was a ploy to just try and get me to say something. I should have joked it off, but it hit me as strange so I asked sam about it and he got defensive saying he never said anything and for me not to worry about it.

I asked Sam what else his buddy was saying and asking but then he got all upset asking why I was so worried about it. He hasn't said anything, nobody knows and I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I went on to tell him it wasn't about being embarrassed about HIM, I was embarrassed that here I am messing around with a married with a GF, and leaving soon guy. Where does that leave me? That's makes ma a lonely desperate girl. Well I am, but I don't want others knowing that.

He continued to be upset thinking the only reason I don't want anyone to know is cause I am too embarrassed to admit I would get with him.but that's not even the case! If he was single and not going anywhere, he is someone I would be interested in getting to know better and maybe having a serious relationship with, but I am not about to tell him any of that. T won't do anything but make me look even more stupid.UGH.

Well Sam is gone now. I feel like a fool, and my coworker has a pretty good idea some things happened. I guess I feel bad mostly because I know I was wrong for even messing with a guy who is divorcing and already has a GF. I am just that other girl, and I am allowing my lonliness take the best of me.

Ok well I am sorry for laying this all out there. I know I sound like the biggest fool.

I wish so much I could just find some decent friends and not feel so lonely here. Its been 3 months though and the only female friends I have made have back stabbed me and started rumors. The only other guy I tried being friends with wanted me to have an affair with him and when I said no, he called me a lesbian,albeit he was joking, but he seriously got angry when I refused him.

What is with people!? I have never been put through so much BS. Not even in high school did I deal with this much drama.UGH.

Sorry and thank you a hundred more times. I expect I will get some angry words for why stupidness. Please don't be too harsh, thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

I dont actually have a specific question, mostly looking for encouragement and advice.

The advice will be the easy part. The encouragement will take more creativity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

He also seemed like a player-type of guy so I didnt even want to go there.

Ok before I go on, I have to admit to something else. Sam is married, for the 2nd time, and is getting a divorce, for the second time. I know his current wife is pretty crazy and I have no clue why he even married her. Well he also has a girlfriend, on he is going back to this week

How did I know this part was coming?

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Originally Posted by Furby

I had already gone farther than I should have.

I knew this was something I did not want to get into.

Nevertheless, you forge ahead.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

But at the same time I felt so good to have someone who wanted to come hang out with me.

I know without a doubt it was the attention that I enjoyed so much.

I was only doing this cause he made me feel good, wanted, was giving me the attention I craved.

Just like a good drug, ain't it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

Yet I also kept telling myself it was ok cause neither of us expected anything from each other.

"I could quit if I wanted to."

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Originally Posted by Furby

a part of me wanted him to like me more and to at least tell me that but he hasnt.

It's called "withdrawal".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

I was embarrassed that here I am messing around with a married with a GF, and leaving soon guy. where does that leave me? Thats makes ma a lonely desperate girl. well I am, but I dont want others knowing that.

Well, at least you know who you are, even if you're ashamed of it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

If he was single and not going anywhere, he is someone I would be interested in getting to know better and maybe having a serious relationship with

If he was single and staying in one place, he would be somebody else than who he actually is, i.e. a married cheater on the move. That "somebody else" sounds like a really great guy to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

I guess I feel bad mostly because I know I was wrong for even messing with a guy who is divorcing and already has a GF. I am just that other girl, and I am allowing my lonliness take the best of me.

I know I sound like the biggest fool.

Yes, an average-sized fool would at least PRETEND not to know that what they're doing is foolish BEFORE they do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

What is with people!!?? I have never been put through so much BS. not even in high school did I deal with this much drama.UGH.

Who do you mean "people"? You did this to yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

Sorry and thank you a hundred more times. I expect I will get some angry words for y stupidness. please dont be too harsh, thanks.

My advice: Stop apologizing and putting yourself down and start acting on your better instincts, which you clearly have and are aware of.

Encouragement: I hope nobody gets angry with you or calls you stupid. That's a full-time do-it-yourself job it sounds like. I know that's not much encouragement, but I'm not feeling creative at the moment. Allheart, can you step in here? Thanks.

Hi Furby,

Glad you stopped by and don't apologize for the length of your post. No, I do not think you are stupid or anything else like that nor do I judge you.

You sound like an incredibly smart girl, who because of a despearte need to have friends, unfortunately came across one, who in my opinon was anything but. This guy doesn't sound worth all that he brings with him and having you feel even worse about yourself. Be glad he is gone. And let this be a lesson learned. No hanging out with any guys who are attached in anyway, say that 3x over and over. Okay?

Now, as far as the guy in work who may know, or think he knows something. Don't be concerned about that, there's nothing you can do about what he may know or what he may think. Clean your slate in your mind, and focus on your job.

As far as finding friends at work, I wouldn't really concern myself with that at all. I would much prefer go to work, say hello to folks, and start my day. Close and true friendships on the job, sometimes can be very tough. Try and separate your personal life from you work. Try and join clubs or other organizations outside of work to meet new people. When at work, concentrate on work and go home and then let your fun side come out and truly have fun.

I have to ask.. LOL, how does any work get done at your place anyway? Hee hee. Seems like folks are far interested in other things than work... and that's when all the trouble starts. For a good bit, wear a smile on your face, be polite and courteous, and keep your head in your job. You will find your day goes so much faster and with far less drama.

Oh, and please count your blessings this guy is out of your life. He filled a void for the moment, but the situation is far more unhealthy than any benefits that it may appear to have had.

Please stay in touch and never worry about unloading; that's why we are here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Allheart

Clean your slate in your mind, and focus on your job.

As far as finding friends at work, I wouldn't really concern myself with that at all. I would much prefer go to work, say hello to folks, and start my day. Close and true friendships on the job, sometimes can be very tough. Try and seperate your personal life from you work.

For a good bit, wear a smile on your face, be polite and courteous, and keep your head in your job.

Great advice (and encouragement). Tried to rep you, but couldn't. Great timing, by the way.

Ordinaryguy and Allheart, thank you for your responses.

I know I am just throwing a pity party for myself. I have just been down for a while now, and although I have mostly positive days - I keep making mistakes like this. Mistakes I know I am doing but I let myself do them again and again. I am told I am a strong person, but I feel so weak.

I would try and find friends outside of my job, but I am in a very limited situation. You are right though, I need to find friends outside of work. I am hoping I will be able to make some soon since the ones I have made are leaving or have turned their backs on me.

I am not so stressed out about this situation anymore. I got a hold of the text messages being sent between my coworker and this other guy, and nothing was being said. I talked to Sam more via text and told him how all of this was making me feel. He apologized for the whole situation and well we have just said our good byes.

You know the funny thing is that I made this account a few days ago cause I was going to ask about this situation, but as I was writing I figured out the answer on my own. It was to walk away, drop things, stop being a weak fool. It lasted a whole day.hmm.

It ends up Sam really does like me, and has been trying to get my attention for years, but I always act so put off and distant. I told him that is my defense, and that he was always such a flirt I couldn't take him seriously. He says he would have tried to be more serious but that I am intimidating and he didn't want to piss me off. Go figure. I thought he was just being a flirt and he thought I was a b***h.

I am glad things are over now, I need to focus more on myself.

I am curious, why would I crave attention so much? I have always been a more independent girl, I enjoy a lot of alone time, but I get to feeling so incomplete and insecure when I don't have someone special in my life. I don't want to feel like I have to have someone else to make me feel complete.

Thank you again for your words. They were what I expected to hear, what I need to hear.

Hi again Furby,

First, you are really hard on yourself about certain things. We all make mistakes and sometimes make "emotional" choices versus what are good logic tells us to do.

It must have been hard to say goodbye to Sam, but at least it was done in a mature and kind manner, so this should help you to move on easier.

You are probably no different than anyone else. We all have that desire to feel wanted and needed. To have that companionship. To have that someone in our life that validates the person that we know ourselves to be. So, I don't think you are really needy, you just wish to share who you are with someone; that is very normal.

Office friendships can happen and do happen, you just need to be a little more alert to the trueness of them. That has been my experience anyway.

You sound to be an incredibly bright and sensitive young lady and I don't think you give yourself enough credit for that.

Slow down the presses for a little bit. Get yourself organized inside. Get somewhat of a normal routine going on. It will make you feel a little bit more in control of the things in your life.

Good friendships will come along when you least expect it. In the meantime, put this life experience behind you, retain the lessons learned, and listen to that wisdom that you actually do possess.

First, let me answer the last part of your post first. By turning down your co-workers request for an affair and calling you a lesbian is sexuall harassment. By doing that, he's creating an uncomfortable work environment for you. Not to mention rumors are floating around about you.
Your friend who you shared comforting time with by watching TV and cuddling was getting upset because you were questioning him about what the male co-worker said to you. Discussing the hook up whether there was one is inappropriate for the workplace. Then he asks you to have an affair with him?
Okay, I know I'm doing this backwards, but bear with me.
You started a new job with no one around you knew. Of course it was scary and lonely. It was only natural you reached out to the one person you knew for comfort and warmth. It was innocent and you did nothing wrong.
As for making friends in the work place, it often takes time and patience. You need to get to know them and they need to get to know you. Just relax and concentrate on doing your job. Often times not, people you meet at work are just that a working relationship. Sometimes you get lucky and meet a friend you would see outside of work. But the important thin g is to keep work relationships separate from you private ones. It saves on your private life from being added to the water cooler gossip. Don't react to rumors or if any one asks, simply reply I don't discuss my private life. If you get defensive, they will only be encouraged.
If the male co-worker continues with his blatent harassment, you need to seek oout human resources for assistance. No one has the right to make you uncomfortable in your workplace.
I hope this helps

I guess I didn't tell the last part very well.

The guy who wanted the affair and got angry with me for not wanting him, he was not a co worker. He was a friend that I had made through one of the female coworkers when I first got here.

Ordinaryguy,
I must admit there was a part where you said that I have brought all of this onto myself. When I first read it, it kind of ticked me off. I felt like I had not explained things clearly enough and that I was not the one who brought on the backstabbing or guy who wanted the affair.

Thinking more about it, I find your are more right than I thought. The backstabbing thing was started cause I made some mistakes at work. It turned ugly when I asked a question to the coworker I was on shift with. It was about a procedure nobody had gone over with me before. I was wrong for not figuring it out on my own, I do have some experience with this job, but they all have almost twice as much as me. Well instead o her trying to help me out and teach me, she was appalled. She started telling the other coworkers about my lack of knowledge and well in the end a lot more happened so me and her are no longer friends.

I was wrong for not knowing everything, but I still feel she could have been more supportive instead of hanging out out, and trying to get me fired. Luckily not many people get along with her and they know her ways, so I have been able to redeem myself.

As for the guy who wanted the affair, I can see how I let myself into that situation as well. I had been hanging out with him and his coworkers, and we always had a great time. A few times he would get me alone and flirt with me, but I was able to just brush it off and continue on. I see now I should have put a stop to it, cause he seemed to think I was just playing hard to get. When he started proposing we hook up he got angry at me for 'teasing'him. I had made it clear at one point that I would not have anything to do with him. He had been okay with it, up until the next episode when he got angry. I can see how immature he is, and such a juvenile for how he has treated me. I should have left that friendship behind before it got out of hand. Which I am actually doing now, I no longer hang out with them. Even though he has tried to be friendly again, he is leaving soon so I have no desire to put myself in that situation again.

Allheart,

You are such a sweet person! I am so glad I chose this site to come to, I don't know what I would be doing without all of your words (everyones).
Your sentence: "Slow down the presses for a little bit. Get yourself organized inside. Get somewhat of a normal routine going on. It will make you feel a little bit more in control of the things in your life."
That's sentence rings so true to me right now. I really do feel out of control and unfocused.
I know I need to focus and stop bringing myself down so much. Its just that All of the things I have been wrong about, all of my mistakes weigh down on me every time I make a new one. I am so tired of messing things up. I am tired of doing the wrong thing when it is so obvious to me.

Funny thing is that everyone around me thinks I am so strong, stubborn, hard headed, but inside I eat myself alive at how weak I feel. How do they not see that? I get so angry when people say I am a strong person, cause it makes me feel like they can't even see me. But then on my up days I feel like I am that strong person and I feel so high. I wish I could just find a balance between the two.

I am going to try and make a set schedule for me- get that control I want so badly.

Thank you again everyone for listening to me, it means a lot right now. I know some good friends will come along eventually I just need to stop stressing myself out and thinking too much. You have been great. I may come back with a more positive thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Furby

I am tired of doing the wrong thing when it is so obvious to me.

You put your finger on the heart of the matter right here. You clearly do know when you're about to do the wrong thing, but for some reason you decide to do it anyway. You really need to figure out why you do that and change the channel.

I'm not usually quick to offer religious prescriptions, but you know the line in the Lord's Prayer--"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven"? I think it has some application here. The esoteric or mystical interpretation of it is that we need to bring our physical and emotional nature (earth) into harmony and alignment with our spiritual nature (heaven). On the spiritual level, we all know what's right and true, but bringing it down into the nitty gritty world of our actions and choices we often lose our focus and act in ways that are inconsistent with what we know.

Try repeating this line at least once a day with the purpose in mind of aligning and harmonizing your higher and lower natures. You're way better off than a lot of folks, because you are already aware of your higher nature and the truth of your situation. But you do need to practice the part where you synchronize this awareness with your choices and actions. Keep in touch, and I wish you success.

We all make mistakes, and as we grow and find out more about ourselves, we can make better decisions for our own good. Never lose faith in yourself no matter what life throws at you, this is your life, and the way you deal with it, is what makes you who you are. Love yourself.

Furby, you let yourself fall because you liked how it felt at the time, had you really given it some thought, all of the repercussions that would follow, you may not have gone there. Okay, water under the bridge, you understand how silly and poorly thought out that was and you're beating yourself for it.

However, because you're so busy beating yourself, you can't shake it off and move on. I'm not telling you to forget about your poor choice, because I think they keep us humble and serve as a reminder of what not to do, but you do have to get past your feelings of regret and stop caring what others think. If they keep asking you about him, just be straight and tell them it's really not their business.