Hi all,

I recently got involved with a girl who over the last year and a half have realized has major daddy issues and does have traits of a borderline/bipolar girl. Its been an intense emotional rollercoaster along with the hypersexuality that is probably the reason why I feel stuck. She can be the sweetest girl one day to the most raging distrustful angry person the next. She's the daughter of an verbally abusive alcoholic dad who left her mom when she was around 17 and he shows his face once in awhile (like a part time dad who lives separately but the mom allows the dad to be a part of his life). Anyway, the reason I bring this background is because I think her relationship with her dad is recreated in our relationship.

I have caught her in a few white lies (for which I don't understand why) and her passive aggressiveness is causing me major insecurities. She can never have open honest communication. It's either passive aggressive (tell me what I want to hear but mean otherwise and sabotage it) or get really pissy defensive and yell at me. One time, she got a text in the middle of the night and while I was sleeping next to her managed to try to turn the phone away from me (as if hiding it) and I called her out on that gesture. Second, she has a tendency to pull off white lies easy and her excuse is so she won't have to hear it from me. She said she was conditioned that way because her ex boyfriends were possessive and one of them use to delete numbers from her phone. Im starting to not believe this and think maybe its just her and her tendency to build doubt and suspicion. I am a bit way older at 31 and she's turnign 25. I really want to avoid the father-daughter relationship with this girl where she has to beat around the bush to avoid the truth.

Anyway, it gets worse when this dude (her classmate) starts texting her about schoolwork and I know how this guy looks like on her Facebook so Im not even worried physically about him but you never know, some girls do have a way of emotionally cheating. I was next to her again and this time, she shows me and goes "see here, we're just talking about our homework". I told her "I don't need to see it, I trust you.. but don't go and start deleting it". So I never read the message and went on my ways.

The next morning I woke up with her phone right in front of my face and forgive me for snooping but I wanted to see if she understand what I asked from her. To my surprise, she deleted the messages and her excuses was "it meant nothing and I delete certain messages" yet she keeps other messages that are also rather pointless.

So we get in a big argument about how I hate how she has to lie to me to avoid conflict and this is actually makign her look very suspicious. She goes "I delete it so you won't get jealous and I know you'd trip over the message". Then I tell her "no, its the exact opposite effect, you deleting it is making me wonder if you have something to hide!"..

So I was already to the point that I was going to dump her as I feel gross for having to invade her privacy but she also likes to plant seeds of doubt by doing weird things like this..

So fast forward a week later, I notice she would sometimes use her phone and go through it like she's deleting stuff. I had a gut feeling (for some reason I always have these gut feelings), then while asleep again, I couldn't help but snoop again and noticed she had sent a text (she can't erase her text history) to the guy just yesterday. I kept my mouth shut and didn't call her out to avoid any morning drama. Then she shows me her phone and says "hey, look I didn't get your text till now..". I found that as an opportunity and said "okay, let me send a text to me and see if I get it instantly".. Then I played it off and said "hey, you text that same dude but i don't see your conversation with him".. then she gets defensive again (at first, I thoguht her defensiveness was because I was accusing her.. now it turns off she's defensive because she's guilty).. then she goes "i was going to text him but i didn't.." then going next to the guy's name shows the last contact time and she actually called the guy too.. so I go "well, so why did you happen to call him too?" I look her in the eye and I can't believe she had the guts to lie to my face and go "i must've butt-dialed him." and I go "well, thats hard to believe because you obviously erased him from your call history"...

And that was it.. I told her, I hate having to do this but your making yourself so suspicious.. only people who want credibility try to prove themselves when they're caught in the act.. I even told her "i told you so.. i knew you would keep this up and keep doing this.. Stop treating me like your ex boyfriends who didn't trust you.. you're making me not trust you this way!"..

I honestly don't really think anything is going on (but I could be wrong and I'd hate to be played like a fool.. I do have some insecurities from a previous relationship that involved cheating so her bagggage and my baggage are leading to a toxic devastation of our trust".. i don't understand why she couldn't just be upfront.. its like half the time she's truthful and the other half she lies..

is this because of the way she was treated by her dad and ex boyfriends? she's like a sneaky little girl and its starting to erode my trust for her.. its only a matter of time until i find out if there's more that she's hiding.. so probably after all this time, who knows how many calls she's been erasing.. she does have a tendency not to trust me either so im thinking "if she can't trust me, then she also can't be trusted"..

She was able to keep her calm this time around without going crazy and she promises that she totally understands what she's doing to our relationship..

What would you guys do? Since I still love her and know the good in her, I'm still thinking she does this to avoid me getting jealous but I tell her, why would I be jealous of some big chubby dude (but who knows,s he might find this guy attractive even if I don't.. I think this way because if there's nothing to hide, why delete their conversations.. ).. its like she wants to believe she has no interactions with guys at all when in fact I find that hard to believe.. it's a matter of time that she rebels against me and acts out on it since she's treating me like how she treats her dad and ex boyfriends..

Should I stay in this or rebuild an open communication and trust with this chic? All these things about bipolar/borderline infidelity are also scaring me too.. she tends to be very emotionally unavailable and she's only cried on my shoulder twice in almost 2 years I've known her and this is about her crazy family problems (she has an alcoholic older brother and a lesbian younger sister who is a high school dropout).. she's the only one who is in college pursuing an art degree and lives alone with her elderly mom taking care of her basic and eeds (transporation, etc.. ) and recently the drunk brother moved back in after getting his 2nd dui from jail..

So there is a lot on her plate but she has trouble confiding in me.. she realized she's pushing me away by not trusting me with her feelings and lying to me and I'm pushing her away by having to snoop on her and call her out (which probably just makes it harder for her to be caught the next time).. I feel bad that she's been conditioned this way but I know I can't save her, she has to realize this herself..

You have a lot of old useless emotional baggage as does she, and you both need the proper reassurances from each other, but can't do it, because you are to busy protecting yourselves, and that's not a healthy relationship.

Sorry guy you just can't have a healthy relationship when you both have these old emotional issues, from your past, and right now all your doing is magnifying each others issues.

Heck you guys can't even communicate enough to sit down and be truthful, past experiences have poisoned you, and made compromise impossible. Working together is impossible. This is where you get honest with yourself, and make overcoming your issue a higher priority, the highest, and let her do the same. Yes that does mean away from each other, since you both feed the others insecurities, but you're headed for a hard break up any way, so what's the difference? Now, or later when one of you has had enough.

Couples counseling is your only real chance to get this under control so you both can make a decision about the future.