Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend likes to watch porn but conservative sex in the bedroom?

My boyfriend likes to watch porn and I don't. We are both in our early 30's have a good sex life, however it consists of only two positions (missionary and me on top). I have tried to introduce some new positions but he does not seem interested. Since we began having sex 9 months ago, he also will not perform oral sex on me, though he is more than happy to receive it. Though he won't give me much information, I don't think he has had more than a few partners before. He doesn't seem to know his way around a woman's body very well. How can I improve things in the bedroom?

Well if he's happy the way things are then you need to put your foot down, it's a win win situation for him! A generous male partner won't just roll over and sleep when he's finished the deed he will keep it going with different ways, until your satisfied also. His d*** might be gone limp but his hands isn't...

OK so going down on a woman might not be as enjoyable for him but either is going down on a man!

People do it because they're satisfied when their partner is satisfied.

Basically he is a selfish lover and should explore with you, its also a lot of fun.

Hello n:

He just needs some gentle coaching. Somebody has to take the lead.. I guess you're elected. The fact is you need to TALK about what you're putting where and why, instead of just doing it.

I don't know HOW to start the conversation. Certainly, cutting him off will prompt a response. Once you've got his attention, if you want to know HOW to train him, there's plenty of people here who can tell you. But, training is all he needs.

excon

Do you think he's worried he'll do something wrong? Many men that watch a lot of porn feel belittled from the 'perfect' (Pah) men in it. If I were you, I'd sit him down and discuss what HE thinks of your sex life. Whether he's interested in trying anything new. If not, it's possible he is just a selfish lover. In which case, be a strong woman. Put him on a sex ban! You could even make it fun. Explain to him in a dominating, sexy way, that if he doesn't make you orgasm, HE won't be getting another one until he's ready to try with you.

I'm only 19, but I know how it feels to be unsatisfied! Missionary and Reverse Cowgirl is disappointing. Try this. When you're having sex, YOU take control. Change the position a little yourself. No need to discuss, if it's good, I guarantee he'll be going with it!

If you feel comfortable enough, try watching porn with him. He watches it, so is clearly interested. That way, you can point out something that looks interesting to him, and try it together!

Xx Dani G

How long have you been together as a couple? How is the rest of your relationship going?

You need to work on communicating with him about sex. Don't try to discuss it in the bedroom or when you are expecting sex.

Explain your needs and listen to his. Remember that a selfish lover is one who thinks only about getting his/her needs met and doesn't think about his/her partner's likes and dislikes, needs and desires.

Ask him why he doesn't like to give oral sex. Ask him to be honest and DO NOT take offense at the reasons he gives. See if there is a compromise that works for both of you.

Ask him why he only seems to like two positions. Find out if there are reasons for it.

Talk to him about fantasies. Talk to him about anything and everything.

If he won't communicate with you about sex, then you are probably going to have a difficult time getting him to discuss other issues as well.

I agree. It's not the sex that's suffering, it's the communication.

The porn is a non issue in most cases.
FACT. The vast majority of men like porn
And are going to watch it . And it is
Not necessarily what his fantasies are
Or what he wants his partner to be or do.

I would suggest you start right now on communicating.

Ask questions.
Ask him if he has a simple fantasy you two might consider.
Try watching a porn with him and point out what you like.

If you can communicate , it is the basis for a great relationship
In all aspects.
It eliminates assuming you are doing what the other wants ,
Expects, or needs from you and allows you be more confidant.

Honesty and communication will get you everywhere .

I believe from what you say that he may be lacking the confidence experience
Brings.
Like Ex said, coaching works.

Oral sex can be an issue at first, it helps if you shave or trim and gives you the chance to
Show him your new (if it is) look and get the conversation going in the right direction.
Most men end up enjoying giving as much as receiving ,

Work on being able to talk about anything. I wish you well

Very good points from every one and brings to mind a few things that may be worth mentioning.
He and I have been together for a year but have been friends for many years (though not recently as we were just "reunited").
My previous partner and I had an issue with porn and my boyfriend knows about this. I have no problem with porn in general but my previous partner preferred porn and other women over sex with me. It really bugged me as after having his 2 kids I certainly felt unattractive and unwanted.
I am overweight but not obese. I am attractive woman. I enjoy sex and I voice that clearly! Perhaps my weight is an issue and it turns him off, though he is in the same boat so that shouldn't be a problem.
I have tried taking charge and "moving him" into new positions, showering and shaving (in case that was an issue), and pointing things out that interest me when we see in movies. Also, if I touch myself occasionally, he seems to be offended. While sex with him is satisfying I would still like a change once in a while.
We communicate excellent on all other aspects in our relationship. I am thinking that it is his inexperience that is the issue. I, dare I say, have plenty of experience and I have never been with a partner who has little experience.

My biggest clues to this issue is he likes porn, but isn't adventurous in bed.
It sounds to me like he is unsure, shy, akward etc.

And as usual, I agree with excon. He simply needs some guideance, and some help to get more comfratable.

Have you tried buying yourself a nice sexy outfit (like naughty sexy, not an innocent silk nighty, I'm talking down right dirty) and just taking control? Toss him on the bed and just ravage him. :)

Good luck hon. And remmeber, TALK TALK TALK. He won't know how much this is upsetting you without you TELLING him. Men aren't like us. They don't pick up on the subtle little hints.

Quote:

Originally Posted by needsadvicenow

My previous partner and I had an issue with porn and my boyfriend knows about this. I have no problem with porn in general but my previous partner preferred porn and other women over sex with me. It really bugged me as after having his 2 kids I certainly felt unattractive and unwanted.

Thus, whether you realize it or not, you're going to be very sensitive about. You might think you have and issue, but considering your past you probably have this ruminating in the back of your mind. It isn't help matters, but it could be hurting them. It is just the way the mind works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by needsadvicenow

I am overweight but not obese. I am attractive woman. I enjoy sex and I voice that clearly! Perhaps my weight is an issue and it turns him off, though he is in the same boat so that shouldn't be a problem.

You won't know until you find out. He could also be embarrassed by his weight as well. Self-esteem issues on his part. Which kind of makes sense if you think about if. When he's watching porn he is in the throes of a fantasy where he is 'chief cock' and is able to do anything and everything. Though in real life he is limited by his physical constraints.

Has he seen a doctor lately? How's his health? Drinking/smoking/stress and the like?

Quote:

Originally Posted by needsadvicenow

I have tried taking charge and "moving him" into new positions, showering and shaving (in case that was an issue), and pointing things out that interest me when we see in movies. Also, if I touch myself occasionally, he seems to be offended. While sex with him is satisfying I would still like a change once in a while.
We communicate excellent on all other aspects in our relationship. I am thinking that it is his inexperience that is the issue. I, dare I say, have plenty of experience and I have never been with a partner who has little experience.

I think there is a severe lack of communication, with respect to sex, on top of everything else. He might be a little unsure and under-confident. Talk to him, let him know that you're satisfied but would like to try new things. Don't reproach him, but let him know that you can help his learning, so to speak. Don't lose fact that this is an issue in the relationship though. You should be able to coach him.

Good luck