Hello. I am a 24 year old female living with a terrible secret that only two other people know: my sister and my mother. My sister "S" (now 28) is an abuser, and my mother "M" (aged 54) is the abused. I grew up watching my sister beat my mother, call her names, threaten to kill her with a knife and herself while my mother would kneel in front of her begging for both of their lives in tears. "S" has been abusive as far as I can remember. When I was aged 7-8, "S" threatened to beat me up with gang members and at home used to hit/kick me. She started abusing "M" after our father passed away to a severe burn when I was 8. "S" was initially suicidal/depressed. Cutting herself, locking herself in her room all day listening to Satanic songs and watching horror movies were her daily routine until she became male-obsessive. Whenever guys dumped/cheated on her, "S" blamed "M" and threatened to kill us. After "M" convinced "S" to stop hitting me, "S" turned full force into verbally and physically abusing "M" everyday. "S", however, did not allow me to say a word at home for 10 years, telling me "shut up" as soon as I say a single word. As a result, I have become extremely introverted, socially shy, lost self-confidence, and developed difficulty vocalizing myself to this day. I have eventually escaped the abuse by leaving home for college and grad school after 10 years of abuse. "M" however has not, as they still live together. Out of "M's" request to maintain silence, I have done so to this day. Also, "S" is a serious spender and left us $100T in debt. Even though I am soon-to-be a healthcare professional, I work every chance I get to help my poor mother relieve this financial burden at the cost of my school performance, while "S" continues to demand more money, beat "M", and relax at home/outside with her boyfriend. My classmates can only wonder why I never hang out with them... I am hurt and feel that no one can understand/relate to me truly. I have so much more to tell, but I will stop here. What can be done for all three of us? Please help me. This is only way I can reach out.

Why the secret?

Tell your family doctor, a psychiatrist, a social worker.

I was in shock when I read your post. Please know that you have my fervent good wishes for you and your mom to get out from under your sister's abuse.

"M" does not want anyone, including doctor, to know. I have attempted to call 911 multiple times in the past, only to be stopped by my mother begging me on her knees crying, not to for "S"'s future. "M" claims that everything is her fault. I only know of obedience. "M" believes that "S" will get better.

You and I both know S will not "get better" -- at least not on her own. She herself needs serious mental health care. And any money you give your mom will probably end up in S's pudgy little paws.

Actually, this may be considered elder abuse. What will happen if you report this?

Why on earth does M think this all is her fault? Was your dad abusive?

"M" will disapprove of my action and will do everything and force me also to cover it up.
"S" upon finding out about report, will seriously hurt someone, most likely "M" and me.
"S" has been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder.
Meds are not affordable at this time without insurance, and "S" is not compliant about meds consumption.

What good will reporting do?

I've lived with family members who are depressed and bipolar, but the abuse is beyond that.

S needs to be in a residential situation permanently because of unwillingness to comply and because of her behavior, but I know how funding is so inadequate nowadays and services are being cut left and right. On a good day, getting to that point is a long road. And too often, the patient is turned loose again out into the community, she refuses to take the meds that allow her to function normally, so you're back to square one.

I'm going to PM several other experts who may have some ideas for you. Please check back later or tomorrow to see if more has been added to your thread.

I have read this exchange and find one element missing from one side of the issue and that element is love. The dilemma for the writer is that she does love her sister AND her Mom. So advice given along strictly 'reasonable' solutions are not fully compatible with her case. Whatever action and/or solution is found in the case, love must be a component thereof. It is not wise for me, standing at a social distance from the affair, suggest solution that may permanently disrupt that love connection which will always be stronger than any reasonable solution. That which may seem a reasonable approach to social worker may entirely miss the emotional wlfare of not only the abuser, but also the abused. A forum such as this is not likely togenerate a solution, but may, at minimum, provide an emotional outlet for the writer. Competent care will always include a provision for safeguarding the element of familial love.

You have lived with this extremely abusive situation, both in the home, and out of the home, for far too long.

It is not unusual for a person with severe mental health problems, untreated, (from how you describe your sister) to behave in ways that are harmful to herself, and to others. Unfortunately, your mother is her focus when she is out of control.

The abuse has to stop. It is a crime to assault another person. Love has nothing to do with it. What has happened here is beyond pacifying the abuser, it has turned into a lifestyle that has gone on for many years. I doubt that your mother is in any sort of shape to be able to defend herself, or seek help on her own.

I don't know what health care occupation you will soon be in, but surely you know that there is likely a legal obligation to report this abuse. In the code of ethics I have to sign yearly, that also includes 'above all do no harm'.

By remaining silent, your mother continues to be at risk. There is no option here, or anything you can say or do that will be effective in stopping your sister, as you know. While you send money to keep your mother's financial head above water, surely you realize that you are enabling your sister to continue the abuse.

When there is severe mental health issues going on, depending upon where you are, there are police who are trained in dealing with this type of situation, specifically. There are criminal acts going on with your sister against your mother, however, untreated mental health issues seem to be at the core of it. They can help.

With your mother in need of protection, and your sister in need of care, and their 'relationship' having been long ago established, it is unlikely that either one of them will seek help on their own.

Which puts you in the unfortunate position of having to step up. In addition to seeking help from the police, please seek help from any resource available to you, including organizations that have the knowledge and expertise to understand and direct you. This could include anything from your family Doctor, to a lawyer who understands the legal implications and also has resources for referral. Any women's shelter will also help you plan a course of effective action. There are 'elder abuse' experts as well, and while your mother may not quite qualify, they too can point you in the right direction, and give you information. Within your university or college, there are likely many women's resources as well.

There are also other people closer to your family circle such as relatives, religious leaders, neighbours, friends. I highly doubt that after all these years, at least some of the people in this group would be totally unaware of what has been going on.

Depending upon how you want to tackle this, there are no shortages of help in order for you do do so. You may wish to gather all the information you can, and learn what resources are available to you, your mother, and your sister.

While I realize that this is a tremendous task to take on, I know that when you do open up to those that can directly help you, help will be there. To allow this to continue simply because it's just always been this way, will not change anything. Please step up, and do what you have to do to secure your mothers' safety and security.

In so doing, not only are you doing the right thing for her, you are also setting the stage for your sister to get the help she needs, and then you yourself, can move ahead in your life without supporting this terrible secret that has kept you emotionally captive for so many years.

Please post with what steps you have decided to take.

We have grown up in a society that always turns to 'institutionalization' for all of its answers. "Physician, heal thyself!" was not spoken by Christ in a vacuum. "Love has nothing to do with it" is itself an irrational statement. Love in family life has everything to do with the situation that has developed. I have lived much of my life as a professional military officer. I am not prone to limp-wristed responses, however, I have learned that love can foster healing as well as the abuse which we witness in this case. Running to a government solution for our social failures is definitely not the answer for this family. I do not believe I know anyone in my part of the nation who has been arrested for failing to report a sister for personal abuse of themselves. Such a threat is not what this young lady needs. There are a number of solutions that present themselves short of 'institutionalization' (which always leads to greater harm).

I don't debate differences in opinions expressed to any person posting a question.

The more opinions our poster receives the better.

I don't make the assumption that anybody is incorrect in their responses, indeed, it is an opinion, not based in fact.

While your perspective may be different than mine, the purpose of responses is to provide different perspectives, and hopefully options, to help resolve problems.

I hope that your perspective, also gives our poster something to think about, although of course, none of us have the 'one and only' answer.

Good response, Jake. Thank you. I do hope that a solution is found that does not result in a loved one being locked away forever in an institution. A good day to you under Canadian skies.

Comment by jolevon
...being locked away forever in an institution

I don't like the thought of that either, but what is the solution otherwise? The sister has already said she will not take medication, so you are willing to allow her to continue with her abuse?

Family love is wonderful. My family has always surrounded and supported relatives with mental and physical difficulties. But those family members have complied with their physicians' recommendations, and, when they didn't, we applied "family love" to make sure they did and got superior medical treatment.

How do you figure simply showing love -- and by doing what? -- will help these three women? Only one seems to be mentally capable of "showing love," yet she's the one who has broken the silence and is begging for concrete help for a beaten-down mother and abusive sister.

You are making sweeping judgments without knowing the situation fully. So be careful. All three of these ladies love each other. It is the inordinate love of the mother that has caused her to enable the one daughter to become abusive. The mother's love in this family is unquestionable, so be careful in making such assertions. She loves both daughters. "J" is definitely a victim here for sure. So is the mother.The answer lies not in forciing 'J' into doing something for which she will have regrets the rest of her life. No one is making excuses for 'S'. She is definitely the one in need of amendment. But committal, or calling the police, is definitely not the answer especially when those on this forum know only in part. I am not a 'new kid on the block' in dealing with family-related problems of this nature. I may have more years experience in dealing with similar problems than you most likely have in the world (take as a compliment). My profession is definitely case related. I have a psychologist on my staff.

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Originally Posted by jolevon

You are making sweeping judgments without knowing the situation fully.

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YOU know the situation fully?

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All three of these ladies love each other.

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Abuse is love?

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calling the police, is definitely not the answer

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Perhaps the mother and OP should give a party for S?

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I am not a 'new kid on the block' in dealing with family-related problems of this nature. I may have more years experience in dealing with similar problems than you most likely have in the world (take as a compliment).

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I doubt that very much.

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My profession is definitely case related. I have a psychologist on my staff.

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And what are your credentials?

So very witty, aren't you. I'm quite sure I understand the situation more fully than your answers suggest that you do. I doubt a party is faintly related to the need here. I know you mean well, but committal is not a suggestion a responsible party would make without full knowledge of the circumstances.

Comments from jolevon
So very witty, aren't you. I'm quite sure I understand the situation more fully than your answers suggest that you do. I doubt a party is faintly related to the need here. I know you mean well, but committal is not a suggestion a responsible party would make without full knowledge of the circumstances.

Witty I am not. I am very concerned about the years of abuse that have going on secretly under the OP's roof.

I suggested committal because the OP says her sister refuses to comply with any medical treatment (and I'm guessing also any psychological treatment such as counseling). Committal no longer means being chained 24/7 to a crumbling and dripping concrete wall. It no longer means getting ECT treatments that throw you off the cot and onto the floor or against the wall, meanwhile erasing parts of your brain. It no longer means family becomes divorced from you. It no longer means you are subject to (sometimes bizarre) experiments the resident psychiatrists wish to tinker with and write research papers about. And it doesn't have to be permanent. There are halfway houses and group homes in the community, and there are visiting nurse possibilities once the most serious and harmful behaviors have been tamed.

Do you have personal knowledge of the OP's situation? I noticed you didn't respond to any of my questions.

Love can sometimes be tough love. That's what is needed here. I don't allow my three-year-old to run into the street simply because I love him and want him to enjoy his freedom.

Abuse is not love, and if someone has their life in danger, love is second, and protection is first.

A person often has to be locked away ( for a while) to be forced to take medication or get help.
Next things done are criminal and they need to pay the price for what they did.

If mom is 100 in debt, let her go bankrupt and not sure how one adult can make the other in debt.
Mom should merely call the police on daughter and throw our out of house and not let her back in.

I prefer not to compromise my standing here by answering questions which you have presented. The psychologist on my staff worked for a government health facility and resigned rather than falsify reports of mental disorders which did not exist. This happens often in goivernment-run programs where dollars are made by number of inmates. In another instance, a good friend of man had a wonderful daughter who developed depression upon completing her Master's program at University. She was given meds that ruined her capacity to function as an adult. She will remain in that state until possibly relieved by death. I am strongly opposed to institutionalization except under circumstances under which more damage cannot be done to the mental faculties. At any rate, it should not be tossed out as an option except by competent authority, and then only after a detailed evaluation.
We hear these sad cases and immediately react with full throttle when we might have best used the wind break.

Wow, those are compassionate suggestions coming from one called 'Father'. (*__~) I believe I have said enough on this forum. It seems that more damage will be done by well-meaning, though detail-ignorant commentators, than good. I certainly do not want to increase in any way the pain that young 'J' is experiencing. Signing off...

Comment from jolevon
it should not be tossed out as an option except by competent authority, and then only after a detailed evaluation.

And when did I say hire the cheapest, sleaziest psychiatrist in the back alley to fling S into an institution and lock her up forever? Of course, there would be competent authorities consulted as well as detailed evaluations given. But the OP has said that her sister refuses all medical and psychological help. Now what? Love her to death before she can beat her mother to death or permanently maim her?