He never believes a word my 16 year old daughter and I say. He has accused me of messing around on him and I never have. I'm the one with the job and I always have 80 hrs every two weeks and I call him before I leave work. When do I have time to fool around on him, he always goes everywhere I go my daughter and I never get a mom, daughter day. He has quit 5 jobs sense we have been toghther (7 yrs)I feel trapped because I love him but I don't know how much longer I can take him not working and helping me with the bills and his lack of interest in looking for a job.Among the names he has called me, like dum a**, and spineless. I did get the gumption a month ago to tell him about himself, but he seems to think that feelings are something you can put some ointment and a bandaid on and they will be better in a couple of days. I find it hard to throw away 7 yrs but, I don't know any more HELP any sugestions.

HI Cherokee...

Can you tell me what your husband is doing while you are out working the 80 hours (or more) every 2 weeks? Does he help around the house? How about cooking or shopping, laundry, etc.

If he isn't helping and he is accusing you of cheating then my guess is that he may be cheating or at least considering it. Now, I don't mean to get you excited here, but I do mean to present that when anyone has all the time it sounds like your husband has and is doing nothing with it only bad things can arise.

I would begin by talking to this guy about all the time he has. He will probably be defensive and tell you how hard he has tried to find a job... may even be getting depressed about it. In my opinion, he needs to start a good exercise program... help around the house and dedicate X number of hours per week (every week) to finding a new job. I don't mean to make that sound easy because it really isn't, especially in this economy, but he needs to commit to something positive for his health and the health of your family/marriage... ;)

I wish you guys luck!

Mark

Thank you mark he does help around the house sometimes but i have a hard time being accused of things im not doing and i hate being called names i just feel trapped>

My guess is that your husband calls you names and accuses you of these things because he is feeling depressed about his situation and lashes out at you because it is just so easy to hurt people we love. Sometimes, people can feel so depressed that they self-sabotage everything they can that surrounds them. I'm not sure why they do it, but many choose this path instead of finding a more positive way to deal with lifes ups and downs.

In most cases, people will get over the hurtful words quite easily, and perhaps this has been the case for you in the past, too, but eventually, as it sounds like in this case, it goes to a point that is not so easily repaired.

At this point, you need to talk to him. Let him know you love him and that you know he is struggling with his own self-esteem issues right now. Let him know you understand, but let him know that continuing to lash out in hurtful ways is not going to make things better for either one of you.

Most important, let him know you love him and tell him to stop being so damn insecure because that will surely lead to the destruction of the trust that is the very foundation of a good marriage!

Mark

If you had said that he had been gainfully employed, and then was a victim of the economy, and despite trying to help himself (training, getting more education perhaps, learning new skills etc.) that would be one thing.

But, you are living with a man that has had five jobs in seven years. He isn't trying to find work, or improve his chances of finding work by seeking help in doing so. He isn't motivated to figure out why he can't keep a job either, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to change himself enough, to figure out why he can't keep a job. Let alone what to do to make that happen.

I think you can throw all the excuses you want into the situation you are dealing with, but regardless of how he ended up this way, he isn't sounding like he's addressing anything, including the effect this is having on you and your daughter.

I'm going to assume two things. The first is, he was like this and you knew it when you married him, and secondly, that, with history repeating itself over and over, it isn't likely to change without major decisions on his part.

Jealousy, and controlling behaviour on his part, toward you and your daughter, making you feel like you're walking on eggshells has gone on too long. While he takes his frustrations, jealousy, and anger out on you, he should be turning that energy around and putting it where it should be- helping himself.

My advice is to set boundaries. Have a few expectations of your own in order to draw limits to what you will, and will not accept. One might be that the accusations of you having affairs, has to stop. Another might be that you ARE going to take a mother daughter day, and his intimidating behaviour is not going to stop you from doing so.

You might also insist on employment counselling, a complete physical for him, and perhaps therapy to address why he treats you the way he does, and what he has to learn about himself, in order to change his attitude.

He is a grown man with no physical restrictions on his ability to work, and you should also expect that he come up with a plan, on a calendar, to make finding work, his work. Nobody is going to drop a job in his lap- he has to work at getting a job.

And along with that you have to make the above reasonable considerations, and expectations, come with consequences. And that is where you have to decide how far you are willing to go. If you are considering separating, or divorcing him, then he has to know that that is a consequence, if he chooses not to change.

Your only other alternative is to continue as you have been, walking on egg shells, and being a 'victim' of his circumstances, which, is also a choice.

Thank you I did not realize he was like this when we marriedhe and a good job when we first got married. We have gone down hill.He did get other jobs after that ,but he quit them because he couldn't hande the way they did the work he said they were making him mad,and rhat was the excuse he gave me.After that he waited for side jobs to fall in his lap.I did tell him about himself about a month ago,and told him what I needed him to do but there doesn't seem to be any progress finding a job...

Does he have any substance problems?

Also, it's good if you post responses, not comments. Much easier for other's to follow the thread. Thanks Cherokee.

I am glad that you have let him know how you feel about things. The problem with that is, that is only part of addressing the problem. The second part is, letting him know how it is affecting you, your daughter, your marriage to him, and, giving him reasonable, achieveable expectations to make changes. And that, without consequences, is meaningless.

To just tell him is not enough; and no more effecting than a scolding. You allow him to be in a position where he behaves badly, makes poor choices or no choices at all, and he knows that once he listens, it's over. And he knows that if he throws you a few crumbs (fires off one resume for example), that will keep you going for months.

Goals have to be clearly set, as to expectations, as do consequences. Even if it is negotiated to be over a period of six months, with regular (once a month sit downs with the calendar) meetings to see that he is working at getting a job, getting employment counselling, has had a physical, etc. it has to be an ACTIVE plan. No more of this passive nonsense that he's feeding you.

If he agrees to a plan (think about it, write it out), that clearly sets out expectations, and he fails to meet them, I would personally make it clear that there are no extensions. Actually getting a job is the cherry on the sundae, it is the between where he is now, and where he should end up, that is the real work here.

You aren't doing him any favours by not believing that he is capable of doing what you expect him to do. As long as you accept that how he is now is not something he can fix himself, you will forever be making excuses for him.

Many, many, many people, through no fault of their own, have lost employment because business have shut down. That is a different ball of wax to him quitting a good job because people at work made him mad. That sounds like a disgruntled 17 year old not being able to get a Friday night off because he has a hot date.

There is nothing unreasonable about having expectations, negotiating them, and coming up with a plan together that includes consequences. Nothing whatsoever. Everybody has to pull their weight in a household.

Take your daughter and leave, have a great time together and give him a week or two to miss what he doesn't appreciate.

A preview of life without you should shake him up. Plus you could stand a break from the boob. Why should you pander to him when he is a jerk? Or make him be a better daddy day care but the name calling is unacceptable.