I know there is no definite answer to my question.
But I broke up 5 months ago (it was my call)after so much strain from our hectic life. We also fell too fast for one another without taking the time getting to know one another. But our work schedule was so hectic and he was under immense stress from work, we (more he, than me) just couldn't find the time to sit back and spend quality time together. So, I just broke it off for both of us.

One thing that was a recurrent tension during the relationship was our different views on taking time off. When he gets upset, he prefers taking time off- being left alone. It usually takes a few days until he comes back and he has told me that is how he recovers from his emotions. I guess he goes into his man cave or something. I don't get this... any help from a guy's point of view?

I, on the otherhand, saw it as an act of selfishhness. How convenient for him to hide in his little cave, get his act together and pop up out of nowhere and say that everything is OK while I am left feeling abandoned. But he says that is how he communicates and it helps get over any bad feelings. I feel this is a difference in how men and women communicate differently, right? He simply is not good with verbal communication- really does not know how and gets stressed whenever he has to discuss any issues on emotions verbally. Geez. Is there any way to work around a guy who simply does not know how to communicate verbally?

Other than this, he is not a bad guy. He is simply passive when it comes to confronting emotions. And when he says he needs time off, there are no string attached- he literally means it and comes back a new person. Really amazing how that works for him.

Confused. Did I have the right to feel upset or should I have attempted to understand his circumstances a bit more? I actually broke up with him because I just didn't understand all this 'taking time off' thing as well. He was really upset.

But a month ago, he called and asked to start the relationship again. I know he had thought things through and said that if I felt uncomfortable right now or was not ready, he would wait until I was ready. I am a bit short-tempered and just told him that taking time off for me to think about relationships doesn't really help me at all, so I said it was not a good idea (Mind you, I was really a patient girlfriend and that is why he came back)

He said that he is the kind of person that takes quite some time to recover. And said that he didn't understand why I couldn't be more patient. I always thought healthy couples talked through things, not avoid them and take time off. Because at the end, I feel I am holding on to the emotional baggage that never got resolved on my part. How should I ask him to help?

Anyway, long story short, I rejected him again and he was hurt again (yes, big blow to his ego) and of course said he never wanted to see me again.I emailed him a month later, and told him that if he has not completely closed his heart, I would try to be more understanding of this taking time off thing. I do want to give it another shot, but don't know where I stand and just confused. There seems to be this issue with timing that seems to never get resolved. Does this mean we are not compatible? Or that something that we can work out?

Perhaps, I should be more understanding of his 'taking time off' thing? Should I leave him alone? He has not responded to my last email, but that I understand since he may never come back or may take months for him to recover. I am not really waiting on him day by day and do have my own life... but if I do want to think about restarting the relationship (if there is any hope, that is), I don't know where I stand.

Any advice?

In five years time would you still be wanting this scenario?
Yes, men and women communicate differently,we are after all different,but to use the old cave thing as a possible excuse for not verbally communicating and sorting out problems so that you can meet on the same page is just rubbish.

Continuously retreating into his cave and then returning,expecting everything to be back to normal is not mature nor is it fair on the partner who then has to contain all their frustrations so as not to upset the apple cart which would lead to another cave retreat etc etc -viscious circle.

Me ,I would let this go,I don't think you are compatible.

I think you are aware of this as you broke up with him and are reluctant to get back with him.

How compatible can people be for one another?
I always thought it took work for relationships to work and I feel that I owe it to myself to give it another try (maybe I am crazy, dunno)
If every person I meet has something that I can pick on,
I'm confused as to where the middle ground comes in-where do we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt and try to work things out?

I see a lot of couples who have issues and they work it out somehow, and I saw that as part of the process in relationships. And I guess because they wanted to work it out.

False hope?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Clarity4

I always thought it took work for relationships to work ... I see a lot of couples who have issues and they work it out somehow, and I saw that as part of the process in relationships. And I guess because they wanted to work it out.

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That's what I keep saying on this site -- mature couples don't "break" or go into caves, but put their minds and hearts together to solve the problem(s).

Forget it, you are not compatible nor are you both willing, at least not at the same time. So forget it.

>Retreats back to his man-cave.<

Yeah... I agree. I thought at first it was a male thing that I was perhaps overlooking.But you are probably right. If things were meant to be, I'm thinking it wouldn't be this difficult. Ois~

For this to work, something's got to give. Either you have to accept his "retreat" or he needs to learn how to communicate so you can resolve any issues you might have instead of sweeping them under the rug. If you are both willing to give this another shot, you should address your communication problem first. In the future, if he gets worked up over something, he will try to open up a little bit. And you will try less to poke and prod to get a reaction or something out of him. Whatever it is, both of you need to mutually agree on changes, and stick to them.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't be together... but for it to work you both need to make some concession and be comfortable with it.

I agree. Since I can only speak for myself,

Everything seems to backfire. My attempt to open him up seems to draw him deeper into silence. So, it seems my perception of communication isn't considered communicating on his part. Even if I do meet someone else, I just hope this isn't a recurring issue on my part and hope that perhaps I can learn something from all this.

Geez... but guys can be really complicated.

We all communicate differently but don't worry about this becoming a future problem-every relationship is a learning experience.

Though I would agree that guys can be complicated,I'm pretty sure they think the same about us!

Nothing complicated about guys, feed us we follow you anywhere. Its females that are complicated. They are always hollering "bad boy" no matter what we do.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Nothing complicated about guys, feed us we follow you anywhere. Its females that are complicated. They are always hollering "bad boy" no matter what we do.

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I just knew you were going to say that!:)

Feed them? Hmm... I think you meant something figuratively here.

I'm curious what you mean by this. I feel guys are complicated because there is this ego thing that prevents them from opening up. You mean, how do we feed the ego? Whew... like I said, it just feels complicated to me. Or maybe I'm just really out of my league when it comes to understanding men in general. Ois~

Just don't try to change us, we are already perfect. If we love you, we put up with your bad habits. You just have to love us for what we are, farts, and all. Man cave and all.

But we are slow of thought and feelings, we get overwhelmed by your emotional superiority, especially when you turn on the water works, or act like you don't like us. Then we retreat to the man cave, and won't come out until its safe. We know we can only avoid the inevitable, you will be mad again, but gosh, what's a poor guy to do?

We sure can't out think, or out talk you? But we can retreat until you feel better. To a safe place. This guy hasn't learned yet the simple power of apology, and the weight that simple words carry, "yes dear"! Until he learns this, leave him alone. Unless you are honestly a patient teacher, and a quick learner. That's why you can't just expect to make a guy work with you by bulldozing your will on him.

Choose a better partner, who is more emotionally, spiritually, and mentally more compatible, and take your time and know him before you love him. One who is willing and able to work with you through honest communications to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both, and build a life you are both happy with.

A guy you don't mind feeding, whatever he likes, whatever he needs.

Hmmm... Interesting. Very insightful to me. Thanks

I have made the conscious decision to let go of any false hope of a future relationship. I think the emotions gave me a lot of 'what ifs'. My head and heart were telling two different stories. And it was pretty hard to kill those emotions because they spring back once in awhile.

After a month of confusion, that little voice in my head has won and prevailed over my emotions.
Despite being able to maintain work and a relatively normal life, this has been quite a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I see the picture a little more clearly now and ready to let go.

You're getting yourself to a good place.

Good luck,come back if need be.