I have been struggling over this for the past 5 years. I'm in my early 30's with two kids and am struggling because my wife has gained over 45 lbs since we started dating. I have bugged her about it, tried ignoring it, complementing her about other things, talked to her about how important it is to me about her health... She just doesn't seem to budge. Last night, we were out at dinner and she ate everything while, I couldn't even finish. That just kind of pushed the edge. I am an athlete and eat quite a bit, and to see her out eat me, I was surprised. I justify my eating because of my exercise routine and am extremely in the healthy range.

It may sound really stupid, but this is the one of two factors that may keep me really miserable throughout my marriage.
I think we could have a GREAT marriage, if that was out of the factor.

Will someone help me with this...

[QUOTE=jj123789] I'm in my early 30's with two kids and am struggling because my wife has gained over 45 lbs since we started dating.

QUOTE]


Hi JJ,

Well, I think you need to be a little more understanding. Seems your wife's body went through incredible changes two times to give you those precious children. I do not have children, but I can only imagine what it does to a women's body, but is not the result more than worth it?

Now, if she is obese and you are concerned about her health, I can more than understand that. JJ, why not try and love your wife for who she is today. Perhaps, you may not realize this, but with you mentioning it and her knowing how strongly you feel about it, may only be making things worse. Unconditional love and support, may ease the strain, and she on her own may cut back from eating.

When looking at your wife, let the love you have in your heart for her be your eyes.
Back off a little and try and deomonstrate sincere support to her. I am not saying that you are not, but us wives just have this sensor, when we feel we are "disappointing" our husbands. It really is not such a great feeling. So, let it go for a little. Try your best to not think about your wife's weight and see if the difference in the air, makes a difference to her.

I think the most beautiful gift a women can give to the man she loves is a child and the after effects that appear on her body, are just additional signs of her loving sacrifice.

Once you have lighten up a bit, perhaps you could suggest a nice walk together after dinner or whenever you two can get the chance to do so. This could not only give you both some quality time, to have an "how was your day chat", but it could also get your wife feeling a little better physically.

I do wish you all the best.

How old are the kids? I can tell you that a woman's weight will go up and down after child birth, and it takes a lot of time before she gets over childbirth and the hormonal changes. Be patient and understanding and if you can, be helpful, like take your kids off her hands, so she can enjoy a little "her" time to shop, or visit friends, or just take a nice, hot, long bubble bath. You will be shocked and surprised how females respond so much better when they are made to feel loved, respected and wanted. You would also be shocked at how they react to you, or your suggestions if you are there with the right attitude, and they can be stress free. You'll have to trust me on this my friend that a happy house starts with a happy female, that is loved and WELL kept. That starts with an understanding loving male figure in her life. Your example is what sets everything in motion, so Give her a kiss and tell her you want her to be there forever, and this is how WE will do it. She will love you for it.

Thank you for you response. I really appreciate your perspective. You seem like you have a good perspective as my wife. I agree. I have been a little overboard. I do love her for who she is.

I guess, I just have this one issue and wanted to help her with it.

Maybe my question is: When she says things like, I think I want to exercise. What do I say? Or how would a wife like to hear or have done to be motivated?

I've been thinking about maybe I'll come home from work or leave for work an hour later so she can have that time. But if I were to suggest this, she gets totally turned off. What can I do to help her feel she is beautiful and she can be how she wants to.

Thanks

The kids are 4 and 2.
I really like your response. (Although I like the other Texas team... S.A.) You seem to have the right answer. I will try the bath thing. I am an idiot, so if I could get exact advice, like actual things to do or say, it would help me a lot.

If you could elaborate on these sections, I am really curious to hear.

"You would also be shocked at how they react to you, or your suggestions if you are there with the right attitude, and they can be stress free. "

And

"That starts with an understanding loving male figure in her life. Your example is what sets everything in motion, so Give her a kiss and tell her you want her to be there forever, and this is how WE will do it. She will love you for it.[/QUOTE]"

Hi JJ,

You sound very sweet and caring that's a great start. Tal gave incredible advice. "Give her a kiss and tell her you want her to be there forever". Wow, trust me, that will work...

As far as her saying she wants to exercise and what do you say in return, well, when I say that, my hubby just says, "okay, just don't overdue it". Another words, just try and be carefree about it. Or you could say something like, yes, I've been wanting to do more myself lately as well. Okay if I join you?

Just try and keep it light and not have the feel that it is the center focus in your mind. As Tal said, make her feel that SHE is the center focus. How do you do that?? Well, how did you get her to say "yes" when you asked her to marry you :). Find that person again in both of you. Sometimes, an unexpected hug can replace any words that could ever be spoken.

THIS IS IT!! These are the advice that I needed to hear.

I really love my wife. I am amazed at all the things she does and who she is. But I really believe that maintaining your physical looks is also important for an attraction standpoint.

Most of us dated our spouses and judged their looks at one point. And have accepted it. But to let it go, seems too much of a change.

The kids and pregnancy, is a great blessing in our lives. Wouldn't trade it and I understand the difficulty of the physical change. I just have seen too many new moms disciplining themselves to look better. My wife is BEAUTIFUL and I just want her to be able to feel that way for herself. I always tell her she is. At least every other day. I think she doubts my sincerity, but I think part of it derives from her acknowledgment of her current weight and looks.

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Originally Posted by jj123789

My wife is BEAUTIFUL

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Now if I felt the sincerely behind those words (you even put it in caps :), then if you say it
With the same sincerelty and energy that bounced off my screen when reading, she too, will get the same feeling and more.

Both of you are the same people you first were when you were dating, you may be a little more wiser, share a little more of life's stresses, but at the core of each of you, is still
That same wonderful person you fell in love with, who by the way is BEAUTFUL :) Now that we all know that... make sure you let her in on it as well.

Welcome to AMHD!! Wish you all the best and enjoy making your wife happy! It will make you happy as well.

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Most of us dated our spouses and judged their looks at one point. And have accepted it. But to let it go, seems too much of a change.

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Wait until you get the spread yourself at about 45 or so and you will wander what happened?

My kids are gone so We have nothing else to do but hold hands and go feed the ducks down by the lagoon or walk to the store for popcorn, or just get some fresh air as we both love the outdoors. Take your wife walking, then you'll both have some one to talk to and hold hands with. Getting the kids in the fresh air makes them sleep really well.

The kids are 4 and 2.

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I really like your response. (Although I like the other Texas team... S.A.) You seem to have the right answer. I will try the bath thing. I am an idiot, so if I could get exact advice, like actual things to do or say, it would help me a lot.

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You must get your own rap together as mine is very costly and you may not be able to afford it!!

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But I really believe that maintaining your physical looks is also important for an attraction standpoint.

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Then you make sure she has the time and money to make herself attractive.

If you could elaborate on these sections, I am really curious to hear.

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"You would also be shocked at how they react to you, or your suggestions if you are there with the right attitude, and they can be stress free. "

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When you come home from work let her vent about her day as you get the kids ready. All she really wants is a little attention and a little time to relax and let someone else take over the work. They are your kids too, you know and you both share that and IT doesn't matter if you've had a rough day or not. She has had a rough day as kids are hard work and if you think I'm lying just try it for a week. Learn to give your woman a good foot massage, when she needs it, not when you feel like it.

And

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"That starts with an understanding loving male figure in her life. Your example is what sets everything in motion, so Give her a kiss and tell her you want her to be there forever, and this is how WE will do it. She will love you for it.

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Be a real man. That takes knowing yourself.

Cost of Electric bill to run computer : $49.00
Cost of Cable to run internet: $49.00

Cost of Advice from Tal... Priceless :)

WoW - to quote Tal - "My wife is my favorite subject".

That's when you know what happy is.

Enjoy Tal. And thank the Mrs. for the rest of us, as we all are learning from your inspiring words :)

When my father married my mother she was in perfect shape. She was in the best shape of her life. Today, she is heavy because she never lost the weight that she gained from having 3 kids the last was born to her at the age of 37. However, my father never made her weight an issue and loved her for who she was not what she looked like... I can understand that a man might want his wife to always look good just as woman might want the same, but the question is if they don't will you love them any less?

If you really want her to lose weight then suggest exercising together or tell her how much you loved her the way she was before and try encouraging her to want to look that way again especially... if you feel her weight could cause you to stray or want a divorce.

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It may sound really stupid, but this is the one of two factors that may keep me really miserable throughout my marriage.
I think we could have a GREAT marriage, if that was out of the factor.

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Make time to exercise with her and be there. This is not rocket science and my personal rule is don't complain if you aren't going to do something to change it.

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Originally Posted by jj123789

I have been struggling over this for the past 5 years. I'm in my early 30's with two kids and am struggling because my wife has gained over 45 lbs since we started dating. I have bugged her about it, tried ignoring it, complementing her about other things, talked to her about how important it is to me about her health.... She just doesn't seem to budge. Last night, we were out at dinner and she ate everything while, I couldn't even finish. That just kind of pushed the edge. I am an athlete and eat quite a bit, and to see her out eat me, I was surprised. I justify my eating because of my exercise routine and am extremely in the healthy range.

It may sound really stupid, but this is the one of two factors that may keep me really miserable throughout my marriage.
I think we could have a GREAT marriage, if that was out of the factor.

Will someone help me with this....

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Why don't u try to do a family work out think get the kids into it to and have them tell there mommy they should do it to. Also maybe she has a few thinks on her mind. Maybe she is eating to fast so she don't feel fool soon I find it if you eat slow you get fool faster but I would try to get a work out think so you the kids get into it and soon the kids are ganna want mommy to do it with them That's how I got to work out my little brother wants me to evertime he puts a work out video in so I do it. GRATE FOR CARDIO WORK OUTS

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Originally Posted by jj123789

I have been struggling over this for the past 5 years. I'm in my early 30's with two kids and am struggling because my wife has gained over 45 lbs since we started dating. I have bugged her about it, tried ignoring it, complementing her about other things, talked to her about how important it is to me about her health.... She just doesn't seem to budge. Last night, we were out at dinner and she ate everything while, I couldn't even finish. That just kind of pushed the edge. I am an athlete and eat quite a bit, and to see her out eat me, I was surprised. I justify my eating because of my exercise routine and am extremely in the healthy range.

It may sound really stupid, but this is the one of two factors that may keep me really miserable throughout my marriage.
I think we could have a GREAT marriage, if that was out of the factor.

Will someone help me with this....

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Personally, I think gaining weight or losing weight really opens up your eyes to the other spouse, because showing a change in your wife supposedly really affected you, but son't you think that it affected her at all? I mean, look at it from her side. She has put on weight and probably feels OK with herself because she is thinking she has a husband who adores her no matter what, and here you are losing attraction? What I think you need to do is stop looking at her from the outside and start looking her for who she is, the mother of your kids, a supporter, a wife, a friend... etc... Looks now a days are over rated! When I met my husband I was 65-70lbs thinner than what I am now, big difference! I am 6'2 though and I carry myself very well, but my point is he stuck by me through thick and thin and still to this day says I'm beautiful and says he loves me, I think you need stop and notice who your wife really is... not just what she looks like it might open your eyes!