I'm 27 and about six months ago I started seeing a woman whom was in the middle of a divorce. She has two boys whom I adore. We met through a mutual friend and starting seeing each other casually (we agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship at the time) Problem is I've fallen in love with her and told her so, she says that she wants to say it back but can't. She's the only person I've ever said that to. A few weeks ago we decided to just be friends until her divorce is over. I haven't seen her since but we talk/or text daily. I don't want to end up just being that friend that is alwayas wanting more.She says she wants to be with me but can't do it right now, which is totally understandable but almost unbearable at the same time. So I don't know what to do? Should I stop talking to her completley or be her friend and hope that it leads to something more in the future?

That's up to you. Can you manage *just* being her friend? Can you respect her boundaries? What if it never leads to anything more?

I am glad she's being smart enough about this to not use you as a false replacement for her former relationship. I'm glad it appears you're willing to respect her boundaries. I would hate to see you continuing to be her friend, always wanting something more, and then being disappointed. If you want to continue as her friend, then you need it to be just that and nothing else. No expectations. A divorce (I imagine, as I've never been through one) can be traumatic/devastating/and at least highly emotional. She doesn't know what she'll be like at the other end of it, and neither do you. So, like I said, if you want to be her friend-be that and ONLY that and don't expect anything else, ever.

If I'm being 100% pragmatic, I would say that you should walk away completely. I honestly can't imagine how it would work for you any other way. Let her take care of her business and you move on (for now or for always). However, the above comments I make are based on how I would feel were I you.

I definitely am trying to be helpful, sorry if it comes off harsh. Hope I could help!

Yeah you've basically said what I've been thinking, kind of helps to have someone lay it out for me thou. We've tried no talking before and it makes us both miserable, but I don't know if its possible to just be friends now.

She hasn't rid herself of her last relationship.

Or has had the time to figure out what she wants.

When she says "cant do it right now"

Believe her.

I would give her LOTS of space.

Remember: "we agreed that neither of us wanted a relationship at the time"

There you go.

Not press anything. Or rush.

I think that you should talk to her and keep seeing her or else she's going to think that you don't want to be with her anymore and she might stop liking you. Keep up the texting and talking but maybe you can see each other sometimes.. as soon as her divorce is "official" (or whatever you want to call it) ask her to a movie, a dinner or something but don't go to fast. Remember she just got out of a divorce!
Hope this helps and good luck!

Be honest with yourself, and her. If you can't keep it real and be a true friend, with no hidden agendas, or motives of your own, then leave her alone.

Well it really sucks now, she told me that she was second guessing everything that she's doing. So I told her that we shouldnt' talk for awhile. Its only the second day and I'm going crazy, I have the anciety feeling and it won't go away. She was pretty upset when I told her that, but eventually agreed it was for the best. I don't think I should talk to her for awhile but I'm not sure how long I should wait to contact her? What if she contacts me? I need to distance myself a little. Should I wait a month and call her and she how she is? I've never had such a hard time with anything before don't know what to do. Please HELP!

First of all, don't stress.

She told you she needs time & agreed that no contact is for the best.

I would do that. Who knows, by the time she's ready (which could be never)

You would be happy & long gone.

It sounds like you already rushed into something that isn't right.
No sense rushing again.

The more you try & pressure, freak her & yourself out, the more you both will be unhappy & unable to proceed & find what it is you are both looking for.

Timing is everything.

Well, I'm a bit confused, I suggested the no contact because I think she needs some time on her own to sort things out and she agreed. The last I heard from her was a text saying to get ahold of her next time I was in her area and to stop by for a drink. (shes in the process of moving to a new house). Is she just leaving the door open for me to contact her or what? Should I wait for her to contact me?

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Originally Posted by skitterpop

Well, I'm a bit confused, I suggested the no contact because I think she needs some time on her own to sort things out and she agreed. The last I heard from her was a text saying to get ahold of her next time I was in her area and to stop by for a drink. (shes in the process of moving to a new house). Is she just leaving the door open for me to contact her or what? Should I wait for her to contact me?

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Stop by her new place for a drink? And just what do you think that will lead to? Yes, it seems she's leaving the door open for you to contact her, but I certainly do not think that means you SHOULD.

You've already told her you want to give her space to sort things out and there's nothing more you need to say. Give her the space and focus on yourself. And you certainly shouldn't put both of you in a situation where you know the no contact policy will be broken big time (e.g. stopping by for a drink). I hope everything works out for the best for BOTH of you as individuals!

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QUOTE by skitterpop;
Well, I'm a bit confused, I suggested the no contact because I think she needs some time on her own to sort things out and she agreed.

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Let her decide what she needs, as you have enough dealing with your own needs, and wants, and feelings.

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The last I heard from her was a text saying to get ahold of her next time I was in her area and to stop by for a drink. (shes in the process of moving to a new house).

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Why would you see this as nothing but a friendly gesture?

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Is she just leaving the door open for me to contact her or what? Should I wait for her to contact me?

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No Contact was your idea wasn't it? No Contact is for YOU to get your head together to figure yourself and YOUR feelings out, not for her, and though she agreed with this suggestion of yours, clearly she left the ball in YOUR court. And for good reason, she only wants a friendship, but wants to keep here options open, she has a lot of options as long as there is no commitment to be exclusive to you.

Yet your confusion comes from not knowing if she is going to give you what you want, and as long as you see her through those eyes, as a potential girlfriend, anything she does will confuse and give you hope.

That's why we told YOU to leave HER alone, so you don't freak out and be confused over her every word, gesture, and action. We already know that you are only going to be a friend to keep her close enough to be there in case she becomes free of her situation, and commit to you.

See how impossible it is to be her friend, because you have a motive for more than she is willing to give you, yet you cannot give up, let go, and do your own thing because you want your thing to include her.

That's why she very slickly left the door open, and the ball in your court, because SHE gets you the way she wants you, no strings attached, and she gets her freedom to explore her options without guilt of leading you on.

She left the door open, but its your choice to walk through it. That's why we tell you to let it go, and leave her alone, because for you to pursue with your hidden motives, and agenda, you would get hurt.

Lets be honest fella, you ain't ready to be a friend to someone you want something more from, and who has told you to your face she doesn't want to give it to you, and has other priorities, higher on her list than being your girlfriend.

So no contact for you my friend, because you need to get your own head together. Hers already is. Now if you were cool enough to have a life and fully understand her actions, my advice would be different, but since you don't, LEAVE HER ALONE, until you can be a real friend. That may never happen though.

Yes it was my idea, but she's says she wants to be with me but feels guilty about starting a new relationship before her divorce is final. I know that usually when people say they aren't ready for a relationship it just means they don't want one with that person. But she pursued me and has continued to do so, for example we would talk daily and the majority of the time she would be the one to initiate contact (she would call or text several times a day). So I don't think it's that she doesn't want to be with me. I just don't understand how a piece of paper issued by the governemnt can define our relationships.

She isn't pursuing you, she is keeping you close in the friend zone. Its working isn't it? You are available when she wants you.

That piece of paper will be the rules for terminating her contract with her ex, and involves all kinds of rights and settlements. Maybe the door is open for the ex as well.

Yeah your right! But I would have to say its not working thou I told her I couldn't just be her friend and that's the reason for the no contact. She emailed me this morning saying she missed me, but I'm not going to reply. Its hard thou!

Then you stay strong and stay no contact.

Oh man! So its been 6 days today of no contact. Day 3 she emails me all it says is I miss you , next day she texts me some lame forward (which she has never done before) then last night I get a text saying "So your seriously going to ignore me?" I ignore all of the above shortly later I get a text saying "F*** you then hope life is treating you well" I think she was just trying to get a reaction out of me so I would talk to her. I feel bad thou, we talked previously and decided not to talk for awhile. She also has skin cancer and it's a very early stage so she will be fine but she doesn't have the family structure to really support her through it so I feel horrible ignoring her.
Should I continue to ignore her? Maybe just text/email her just reminding her of our decision not to talk?
I don't know??

Sure she is upset she cannot get her way, keeping you as her emotional tampon.

Don't you think if she cared she would leave you alone until you had gotten over your rejection, and confusion? No, she is lonely, and needy and wants someone to relieve those feelings and make her feel better. She knows what YOU want but doesn't care that you are going through your own pain.

Its all about her pain, and not about you. Just think, if you give her comfort now, what will that do to your healing? It will remind you of your feelings, and give you false hope, of more when she handles her business, which could take a long time still.

No guy, stay on NC, and rebuild and get strong enough yourself to get beyond this.

For your own sake,you keep ignoring her.

Any contact will only set you back and delay your own healing.

You're not responsible for her wellbeing-she is.

I agree.

Don't cave in for her guilt trip.

"later I get a text saying "F*** you " Well, that wasn't very nice or respectful, now, was it?

Let her sort her own stuff out. She just got divorced. Bad timing.

She can't have her cake, when its convenient.

Doesn't work that way. Stick with NC, buddy. Block her number.

Ahhh it gets interesting! So I was chatting with one of her friends on Facebook today and asked If she had talked to her and said I was worried about her,(mistake I know) she said she would check in with her. Well not long later I got a text asking why I wouldn't respond if I was so concerned, and another after I didn't respond saying I was just playing games. Then later today I got a call from a Restricted number and didn't answer about 5 minutes later she sent me the following message via Facebook. (so obviously it was her calling)

So guess what? Because you're being quite the **** this decision was pretty easy. Blocking me and then getting ahold of my friends because your so ****in worried about me is bull****. Why don't you be honest about what your actually doing here ken. You ***** about honesty yet here you are ****ing lying about ****! And not even addressing the issue with me first?



Not sure what she is referring to about the decision or me blocking her (other then me ignoring her) or the lying thing or addressing the issue because we talked about the whole not talking ****.

I'm beginning to think she has some serious issues!

Any insight?