Ask Me Help Desk - Will I ever move on from my ex of 7 years? Help :(

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he cheated on me so we broke up and we got back together after 1 year break. I was happy for the first 5 months, but now everything seems different. We argue a lot and I tried my very best to make this relationship to work. My boyfriend, he's not the type of guy that would call me or text me everyday. We lack of communication. We're both so busy because we're in different college.. Right now we're taking a time off. Now I'm so confused, because the time apart made me feel so empty and I don't have any feelings towards him. I mean I do love him dearly but that's just it. Fullstop. Nothing more. We don't have the excitement anymore because we don't have time for each other. He's so busy doing his thing and I'm busy doing my own thing. But the problem is he doesn't really try his best to meet up and stuffs like that. I think I'm the only one trying to make this relationship work. I'm sick and tired of saying and asking him to do things that he should as a boyfriend. He should know what to do. But I think its due to our lack of communication and we don't really spend our time together. I think we I get home every week, we will only see each other for at least 1 hour only for the weekends. Its sad because its tearing me apart not be able to spend our time together and I think the last time we went on a date was 2 months ago?

So basically, I need some advise. Should I be with the same man that has no time for his own girlfriend and don't really call / text her everyday? I want my boyfriend to be the perfect boyf kind of guy, but he's just not that type anymore. Its really sad because I want attention from my boyfriend and he's not giving it to me and I can't expect him to change drastically because that's just not him. I want to be able to feel the love when you first met someone and the feeling of being in love is just wonderful. Now we're just simple, boring , like old couple. Where else we're only 20 years old, we should have fun and do something exciting and adventurous. And he's just so busy studying. Hes kind of a geek I must say. I know education is important. So that's why I don't want to make him change because he had too because of me. I want it to come naturally, and if it doesn't, then…I think that's the end of us?

Help…….Im torn in between

Move on.
You need to realize that you can and need to fill the emptiness with other more enriching things. If you are not getting along getting back together will not work any better then than before. When people break up they almost always have an empty spot no matter how bad it was so it is just something normal that you need to overcome by working on you and your contentment.

If you feel you have invested enough, and not gotten anything back, then its time to go.

I think you know it's over and just want confimration. I'm confiming it. Break up and move on, you know you can do better so follow through.

Why would you want the one you love to change? When you love some one, isn't it because you accept them for who they are? Perhaps it is not that kind of love?

You want the perfect kind of BF, that seems like a rather large request, expecting some one to meet all of your expectations? I've never met, nor heard of any one who is perfect. (you may say Jesus or Buddha or something like that, but is that reasonable?)

Calling and texting everyday may not seem like much, but I've only done that a few times in my life. That was because I always seemed to have tons of free time to think about that kind of stuff. If you want adventure, you may try to make your own, don't expect that some one else will be in the adventure with you.

The heat, passion, and adventure are important in any relationship, but some times people are focused on other parts of their life. Since that's not there, then you are not feeling that, euphoric love, but instead you just feel the love that is based more on responsibility and respect. Dull and boring most say, and most lack, and there for break up. You feel that it's too mature for you, and you want to have fun. Then you may just have to go your own way, and find you fun.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he cheated on me so we broke up and we got back together after 1 year break. I was happy for the first 5 months, but now everything seems different. We argue a lot and I tried my very best to make this relationship to work.

Of course it does. It's never the same after one cheats, and don't expect it to be back to normal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

My boyfriend, hes not the type of guy that would call me or text me everyday. We lack of communication. We’re both so busy because we’re in different college.. Right now we’re taking a time off.

Without communication, a relationship would not survive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

Now I’m so confused, because the time apart made me feel so empty and I don’t have any feelings towards him.

If you don't have feelings for him you shouldn't be with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

I mean I do love him dearly but that’s just it. Fullstop. Nothing more.

You just said you don't have feelings for him. Which one is it? What more is there after loving someone dearly?

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

We don’t have the excitement anymore because we don’t have time for each other. He’s so busy doing his thing and I’m busy doing my own thing.

Yah. Usually after a while, the excitement cools down. Its nice to do your own things sometimes but to make a relationship work, you guys need to spend some time together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

But the problem is he doesn’t really try his best to meet up and stuffs like that. I think I’m the only one trying to make this relationship work.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. If he doesn't try, you ll just end up with disappointment and you ll feel tired, and the relationship won't work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

I'm sick and tired of saying and asking him to do things that he should as a boyfriend. He should know what to do.

Sounds like he's not the type of guy you want. There are a lot of other guys that are willing to show you more attention and is compatible with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

Its sad because its tearing me apart not be able to spend our time together and I think the last time we went on a date was 2 months ago?

If its sad for you, talk to him about it. If he doesn't try to work things out, its not worth staying in the relationship. A loving relationship shouldn't have hurt involved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

Should I be with the same man that has no time for his own girlfriend and don’t really call / text her everyday? I want my boyfriend to be the perfect boyf kind of guy, but he’s just not that type anymore.

If that's the type of guy you want, than go look for that guy. You can't change someone, even if you do they might not like it and it causes lots of problems, trust me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

Now we’re just simple, boring , like old couple. Where else we’re only 20 years old, we should have fun and do something exciting and adventurous. And he’s just so busy studying.

If excitement is what you are looking for, go find it. You're still young, and you should do the things you want to before you're not young anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pitakizis

Hes kinda of a geek I must say. I know education is important. So that’s why I don’t want to make him change because he had too because of me. I want it to come naturally, and if it doesn’t, then…I think that’s the end of us?

Pretty much I agree with you. I think he's not the type of guy you want. You should let him go and find someone you feel closer to and more compatible with. It won't come naturally if it was never there in the first place and changing someone may lead to that person being unhappy and he can't be himself.

Girl, I think it's time to let him go. There's no point in being in the relationship if you're not happy. You need to move on and just have fun because right now it just sounds like you're spending it sadness because he's always too busy.

Plus, there is no perfect guy nor girl. There will always be arguments and fights but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger or pull you apart so you may go your separate ways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzball_Kara

Girl, I think it's time to let him go. There's no point in being in the relationship if youre not happy. You need to move on and just have fun because right now it just sounds like youre spending it sadness because he's always too busy.

Plus, there is no perfect guy nor girl. There will always be arguments and fights but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger or pull you apart so you may go your seperate ways.

I think there is the perfect guy or girl. Perfect in one's eyes. =P but I agree that even the perfect one for you, there will always be fights.

Yeah. I thought about that too. Although I'm not one for believing in perfect anything, but I know exactly what you mean. :)

I'm probably the perfect guy for a woman.

Hey Kara I see your from the same planet I'm from!! Looks like we have something in common.

Yeah I know we should accept someone the way she/he is. And no one is perfect. But maybe I'm looking for someone more exciting and fun. Because Im tired of being sad with this relationship. But no matter what he's my first love. That's the reason why its so hard for me to let him go and move on for real...

Thank you so much for the advise you guys, really appreciate it!

You know my first car was a Buick Regal from the early 80's. The egine died 10 days after I bought it. I now drive a Dodge Ram... and yeah it's got a Hemi. The point is while you've got a first love, sometimes you have go through some bad ones to get the one you really want. I'd never want my first car again even if you gave it to me, I've upgraded in life. So should you.

Threads merged

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. We had our ups and downs, since he once cheated on me and then it took him 2 years to come back to me and I forgave him but no I will never forget the fact that he cheated. . And so we were fighting a lot these past few weeks, then I decided to have some time off since I felt that he's not happy with me and we have our own differences on how we live our life. He's a control freak and a very jealous person. . I used to listen to what he asks me to do and stuff but now I don't want him to control me. I hate it when he said no when I asks him whether I cn go out with my friends or not etc. He wants me to himself. Not fair isn't? Somehow we are okay now, but we are still in the “time off” zone. Sometimes I feel like we have been together for so long and we know everything about each other that makes our relationship dead. . You know? I mean we don't get each other anymore. And sometimes he doesn't make time for us and when he does, when we hang out, I find him annoying. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love him so much but I'm scared what if I love the relationship more than I love him? We are drifting apart and the gap is too wide to be fixed. I think I'm more happy when I hang out with him and with other group of friends. It makes it more fun the excitement is there. But when there's only both of us, we rarely talk to each other, we only play cards to kill the time. I don't want to lose him and he loves me very much I can tell because he doesn't want to let go of me. Fyi, we broke up so many times already but we ended up getting back with each other because we live very near to each other and my friends is his friends and his friends is my friends. How can we move on if we hv the same circle of friends? And it seems like we need each other. I really need your advice guys. Im really confused and I don't want to face the fact that there might be no us anymore. It saddens me when I think about that. . But I got the feeling that this relationship over, he doesn't get me and unable to compromise anything and vice versa. HELP!

You don't really seem happy with him, so why do you stay? Sure it'd be tough to leave and have to possibly quit hanging out with your mutual friends for a while, but you'd be free to heal from this relationship and find someone who you are truly happy with.

Someone who loves you, respects you. He lets you have your own space and have a different life other than always being with him. He trusts you so he lets you do the things you want to do and doesn't question you about it.

I'd be thinking seriously about ending the relationship, because what you see is what you get! This is his personality. He doesn't really want to change you, he just wants you to be under his total control.

If you absolutely think that you have to stay, you need to set boundaries. You can't let him continue to push you. You need to let him know that you DO love him, but you also need your own space away from the relationship and you need to do your own thing.

Your relationship should be PART of your life, not the whole purpose of it.

I am of the opinion that if you ask a question like this, you usually already know the answer in your heart. There is a patter in this so call relationship that presents itself time and time again. Break this cycle and end it like you know you should. You deserve happiness and this isn't it.

How old are you both please?

Yeah I love him dearly and I think I can't let go of the relationship because I think this is my comfort zone. . I think its time for us to have a long talk, and see how it goes. Thanks guys!
We are both 21 this year, I know we are still young and there's a whole bunch of new things out there but we are very much in love with each other and sometimes it hurts so bad because we are in a rut.

This on and off relationship has been dragging out for a very long time.

If you can't fix the things that break you up in the first place, then why are you getting back together? Just to let things blow up again?

As this is your first serious relationship, the problem with first serious relationships are that you might not know the signs of when to call it quits.

Sounds like you're just hanging on to each other because you're scared of experiencing what's out there.

And, he cheater on you before? Has he really regained your trust?

I think we have all advised you to move on and be happy before. Being with a guy for 6 years, and only 21? You really do need a change. A very big change since this stopped working for you a long time ago.

Six years is a long time to invest in a relationship, and I'm sure that for sometime during the relationship, you loved each other.

As time goes on, as you said, and very wisely I might add, that the relationship is comfortable, and perhaps that is what you are hanging onto; the love between the two of you has become more of a routine and you've driftted apart.

While love turns into something much deeper as time goes on, you do not seem to have increased your feelings for him, they have decreased. At this stage of the game, you should know him well enough to say that he is not the man you want to spend, or invest, any more time in.

There doesn't have to be major faults, and you don't have to go looking for answers to justify how you feel. If you feel the time has come to end the relationship, then it is time to end it.

Having had a partner for so long, it will be difficult to adjust to being on your own, but what you gain in taking back your freedom and independence will far outweigh the pain of actual breakup.

Allow yourself to move on and adjust to life without a man in it- at least for a while. Maybe think about your future, or your goals. What do you want to accomplish in this life.

You will be a much stronger person in the long run.

Best of luck to you.