My mother and I live in different countries and she is constantly asking me to send her money. She has not worked for any long period in her life because she felt that she was owed a living by my father - her ex-husband of 50 years even though they were only married for four years. When they divorced and I was just 3 he paid her maintenance for herself and for me. He paid for my private school education and tertiary education. He was an active father, by that I mean I saw him every week and when I started working would meet me once a week for lunch and we enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my half-sisters for his second marriage. All this time he continued to pay my mother maintenance until the day he passed away. My mother expects me to take over form him and I cannot afford to do so. I am married with adult children, we have been through hell and back over the past few years as business became difficult and I was stressed beyond belief - my husband attempted suicide, twice. Thankfully he did not succeed and was in hospital after his second attempt for 2 weeks. He has said did this so that I could be financially secure because he could not think of any other way to support me. We gave up our home voluntarily and completely restructured our lives. We now rent an apartment and love our new lifestyle - no gardens to care for, no lawns to mow, etc. However, we are working exceptionally hard to recover finances to secure our future. My mother is a good manipulator and makes me feel guilty that I should support her because "she brought me into this world" - her words. My feeling is that I did not ask to be brought into this world - personally I would rather she hadn't! She is absolutely hopeless at budgeting and controlling her money so when I give her money every month for a levy she has to pay on her home she always complains it's not enough and needs more. I tell her I cannot give her anymore so she starts crying and pleading. She has a partner of over 20 years who although he works in his so called own business does not bring in much money, except for when the occasional "deal" comes through. They then seem to spend that money pretty quickly and don't put anything aside for the times when he is working on proposed business. He has a daughter and refuses to ask his daughter to help because her and her husband have two children in high school and has to pay for their school fees, uniforms, etc and she is now pregnant again. I think this is grossly unfair. I have spoken on several occasions to my mother about living in a retirement home in her home city but she refuses to even look at the idea, saying they're all too old there - she is 82! Any advice please - I'm tearing my hair out!

Your mother has a partner to support her. It is not your responsibility to do so.

You have to set boundaries, draw a line in the sand. You need your money for yourself and your own family. There's no further discussion. Stop giving her money now (since it gets misused anyway). There are options for your mother. She needs to explore them.

Hi Wondergirl, thanks for your comment, I do appreciate it. I just wonder if I am too selfish. That's what my mother says, but I feel she is the one is selfish. I gave her money on Monday and yesterday phoned her - she said she had just about spent everything I'd sent and can I please send more. I said no, absolutely not until 1 April, but I'm thinking that I have to force her into a decision to move and refuse the money for April. I can't help feeling terribly guilty about this.

Don't let her send you on a guilt trip. No more money. She and her partner must work out their finances apart from you. You are not their bank.

Stop letting her guilt trip you and tell her "hell naw, I ain't got no money, I gave it all to you!".

No there is no moral reason at all and no legal reason.

You need to start being selfish...

Think of your family and especially your husband. To attempt suicide twice because of financial stress and then see you giving it to your ungrateful mother would piss me off big time.

I know your trying to do the right thing by her, but really, its time to put your family first.

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I do appreciate it, although I have to say it is not easy to turn the tap off. The thought of refusing to give anymore has been worrying me the whole week and the things that my mother says to me just keep ringing in my head, "selfish, families look after one another, I didn't abandon my father, blood is thicker than water, think of what I gave up for you, etc, etc." My husband thinks I should stop too, but he doesn't interfere.

I know EXACTLY how you feel, which is why I was doing a search on this topic in the first place. My mother is exactly the same way. She's been married twice, once to my father for only the first two years of my life (but he paid child support and all the 'extras' until I was 18), then her 2nd husband for 18 yrs. She divorced him, got a nice settlement w/his 401K... but then, blew it all! Then, my father died 2 years ago and there was a little money left for me via his savings and his IRA. When I went to transfer his IRA into my own mutual fund account w/someone I knew in my own town, I took her with me thinking she could help ask any questions I might not think to ask. All she asked was how much I could take out! I told her I wasn't taking any out (there was plenty in savings and I was working). I took her home after and she DEMANDED I give her $10,000 from the IRA! My jaw dropped. Feeling guilty (like you), I told her I'd have to "figure something out". I had JUST opened a savings acct for her w/$2500, so this was still on my mind as well. I knew I had a $5,000 life insurance check coming (he was retired, so not entitled to the full amt). So, after talking w/a family member who knew what was going on, I just gave her the life ins. Check and said "THAT'S IT! No more!". That worked fine (except for my continued resentment about it!), until she quit her very cushy job (own hours, one person office, etc) because she just can't work with anyone! So, now she's back... calling, knocking on the door, emailing, wanting money. And, she's lying about the reasons and the amts needed. I took some of the savings and paid tuition to take medical coding classes so I could be in a secure field. So, I'm studying nonstop, not working while doing this, living on MY own money, and she's STILL begging for money! I'm the ONLY family member that's around and the others either don't talk to her, or are lucky enough to be far enough away that they can ignore her calls. I have no idea what to do either. Guilt and obligation is taking its toll though, as it's harder and harder to focus on MY future and MY studies!

Hi Obligated kid, somehow it's comforting to know that there are others in the same predicament, although I don't wish this situation on anyone else. Since I posted my question I actually lost contact with my mother because as she knew we were going away for a while, a much needed break overseas from where we continued to work online, but she didn't pay her phone bill and so the telco cut the line. I didn't know what to do, I contacted her partner's brother, he didn't know either, but then gave me some somewhat unsurprising insights into the sort of person that he is and his reliance on other people. So much so he had to force his brother, sister-in-law and children to move after they were staying with him temporarily many years ago - must be about 35 years ago. His brother tried to contact him via the one daughter but she didn't answer any of his emails. I knew that she would be okay so stopped and thought when she needs money she will get in touch and contact will resume. Guess what, it has! Unfortunately she had a nasty fall in a supermarket when one of these people who does promotions stepped backwards landed on her shopping trolley and sent her flying, She was hurt but which I am very, very sorry about especially as she had to go to hospital for a while. She got a small payout but it seems that didn't last long and has now contacted me again. She didn't as much as ask for money but said it's almost at an end and didn't know what she would do. I didn't comment. Obligated Kid as you said we can understand each other, but as hard as it is and I don't know how long I will hold out, so many people on this forum and three or four people I have spoken with (very good friends of many years) have said just refuse. If your mother has her own home like mine does maybe you can suggest she sell it and go into a retirement home or such like. I have suggested that but was met with utter horror, "you just want to put me in a home - how dreadful". I explained, no, I want you to do what's right for you and if that means selling your home and handing it over for a nice comfortable place to live where you will be taken care of, be secure and safe, have no medical bills to worry about should you ever need them, good food, warmth in winter and no worries so you can enjoy life, why not. I do know the place, so I know what I'm talking about. It seems that you are a lot younger than me, if you are studying, you must keep your focus on your studies for your future.

I'm so glad you stuck to your guns and that you're speaking again. And, no... probably not younger (44!haha), I just decided I needed to find a new "career" where I could have a stable future. I was a travel agent manager for many many years right up until the internet booking started. Then a lot of admin type jobs after that. My mother does own her home, it's paid for too. She keeps talking about stupid things like selling (the house wouldn't get anything because of the roof & the basement), and then renting! I couldn't seem to get her to understand how much rent would be, and the $$'s from the sale would NOT cover that for long! She's only 62, so there's no way she'd go to our retirement home either. But, she also won't take any of the several part time jobs that have been offered to her either. There's always some excuse.uugghhh I fly to Denver at least once a year to see my Gma, aunt and cousins and I HATE traveling with her (the whole trip is ALWAYS "all about her"), so the last couple of times, I've gone by myself. She now wants us to go 'together' this spring or summer. In other words, she wants ME to pay for her to go. She hasn't been in about 2 years and it drives my aunt and I crazy because my Gma's not getting any younger! (she used to live here, but moved to Denver to live in an assisted living apt. near my aunt) So, we know she doesn't get it from Gma!LOL Mom is "attached" to me constantly, even events around town (very small town!), and coming over all the time for tea, etc... She can't keep a friend, her family doesn't even want to know anymore, and the OTHER daughter she has(surprise twist! LOL), disowned the family years ago. She only lives a couple of blocks away, but mom won't have anything to do with her. Yet, when my Gma moved out with my aunt, my mom told her "your turn!". Like it was such a big imposition for mom with Gma here! She had her own little house, paid her own bills, etc... she asked a couple of times for one of us to take her to the doctor once in a while, but big whoop! Mom acts like she played "Saint" for soooo many years, and my Gma is STILL quite self-sufficient at 84! She's paying her own bills and rent too! She actually PLANNED for her future though. We usually keep her out of the loop with too much drama, but when I do have to vent/talk to her about mom, she always seems to understand. It's never a surprise to her. All mom needs to do is get off her butt and get a part time job and between that and Soc. Sec, she'll be fine. But, she won't do it. She keeps doing these stupid 'grand ideas' and trying to sell them online. (she makes a lot of ugly crafty stuff) My aunt can't get through to her either and has sent a lot of money to her through the years. But, even she has said she's done! I have an S.O.S. into my aunt to call when she gets home, so maybe she'll help make me NOT feel like such a schmuck. She's pretty good at talking me down. ;) She has 2 kids of her own too, and she can't believe some of the things I've been "expected" to do for mom. She can't even imagine asking either of her kids for money. (she has plenty, but still can't imagine the concept of it) Anyway... this is the first time I've actually just said "No, I can't". So, maybe after this baby step it'll get better.? Of course, I'll have to hear about how horrible her life was because of it, even after she figures a way out of the mess! I am studying as hard and as fast as I can just so I can finish, take my final, and move BACK to the city and out of my small boring hometown! She never seemed to bother me as much when I lived further away. Plus, she won't drive in the city. Oh yeah, there's another one... her car is trashed (her fault, not the cars), so anytime she drives to the next town over, she'll email or call and tell me she "needs my car". No asking, just telling. That'll be a little tougher once I'm back in the city, huh? haha I'm laughing because I'm still freshly angry about it... but, it does still make me feel like a horrible daughter, and makes me an emotional mess worrying if she's going to "figure things out", or if she's in more serious trouble. But... I HAVE to stop. I've been such a mess all day, I haven't been able to study at all! I literally woke up to the latest email about how she NEEDS to borrow $150. No asking, nothing. I remember getting into money trouble in my 20's, and I seem to remember her telling me to "figure it out" a LOT! I guess I just need to keep remembering that.

It seems like they've come out of the same mold - except mine is in her early '80s but nothing like an 80 yr old, more like some in their late '60s in many ways. That's good. I'm ten yrs older than you, so have had 10 yrs more of this nonsense. I've "loaned" her tens of thousands over the years, with always the promise it's a loan but I know it never is. Even when we were having serious financial problems because of the economy it was demanded. Like I say the same mold! I do understand your anger and frustration - many times it would take me up two weeks to get over a phone call. Fortunately I live in a different country, in fact different continent, but the phone call can be just as powerful. I also get the car thing - same situation - she even got my near new car when I left for free, that was many years ago admittedly. I'm just very sad that my poor late dad had to put up with this for so long until he died even though he married again and had two more children. Lots of luck and strength. Try not to let it stop you from studying and chasing and attaining your dreams. It was only because I put my foot down last year that we managed to achieve ours (travelling in Europe for 5 months) last year, but had to return here unfortunately, but we plan to return there very soon!

Thanks so much for your help. Yes, sounds like the same mold for sure. Since writing earlier, I still wasn't able to study or do anything (literally), and it took her until about 8pm to even write me back! I "found out" she had asked her cousin (who she rarely see's or speaks to) for the money and she fell for it. But, even after working that out with her cousin, her email to me had the subject line: "That's ok", and inside just said "I'll figure it out." But she already had!! She didn't know I knew she had, so I KNEW it was a total guilt trip! So, maybe knowing she was and still is totally guilt tripping me will help me stop obsessing over it, but now I've got more of a "mad" on! I'm ANGRY! Very angry! I am generous to anyone and everyone who needs help... but, when I'm taken advantage of, or lied to... different story! I am just going to distance myself from her for as long as I can. We're in the same small town, but I CAN ignore emails and phone calls at least. Not much I can do if she shows up at my door... but, I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it. At least it helped me get over the "guilt" part of it. Now, I just have to remember this for the next time she wants something! Anyway, thanks for helping me get through this horrid day!! I'm going to try and make up for the lost day tomorrow and hopefully get some things done!