My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. He's exactly the type of man I always knew I would end up with - kind, respectful, considerate, loving. Unfortunately, he seems to believe that the way to fix the problems we have in our relationship is to break up with me to teach me a lesson and then try to get back together with me. I love him (in fact, he's my first love) so I've dealt with this pattern for a while. Lately, however, it's become exhausting and emotionally draining. He can be so hateful during these breakups and I get really, really upset. And it's not that he's afraid of committing. He was the first one to bring up marriage, he's taken me to look at engagement rings, and he talks about our future all the time. I just don't understand what's going through his head and I don't know how to get him to stop doing this.

Sounds unhealthy. He plays you and plays your emotions. Can we say manipulator??

Yep, manipulator!

Also, doesn't matter how many rings he's taken you to "see", if he hasn't given you one and you haven't set a date in stone, he's not offering you much in the way of commitment.

That is a very unhealthy pattern he is using and if you marry a man like this, it will follow into your marriage and end in disaster.

First of all, he is NOT the kind, respectful, considerate, loving. Man you claim him to be.

A kind and loving man would not do that to someone he loved. You say he breaks up with you to teach me a lesson and then try to get back together with me. The lesson he is teaching you is that he is in control, and will be in complete control sooner or later - possibly after a couple more "lessons". He is telling you that his love and respect and consideration are ALL CONDITIONAL! Based on the condition you do as he wants.

No wonder you are getting exhausted with this psychological drama - I would say pathological drama. This guy has played this before with someone else.

You say he is your "first love". Well, first loves are not always the best loves. We can learn many things from the first love - how we want to be treated, how to compromise in a relationship, etc. but it is not a one way street here. You are one that one way street now - HIS street. Get off the merry-go-round. At this point you are not mentally healthy but you have enough within you to see that something is wrong and needs to be corrected. Only you can make that first step and leave.

Get to a women's shelter if you have to. Seek some counseling for yourself so that you can gain some insight into how you allowed yourself to be manipulated by this man. Because if you do not get your head straight, you will repeat the pattern over and over.

This guy is a walking nightmare for women. He will charm and be smooth and caring and blah blah blah and profess his love and commitment - but there is a huge price. You are alreay paying that price and you are wounded in your heart. Is he worth that much to you? I think you know he is not but it is scary, I know.

So please seek some outside intervention for yourself. This is not going to get better. Protect yourself.

First: Next time he breaks up with you. Give him a scare and actually turn it around on him and actually give him what he wants. When he tries to get back together tell him your not ready and that you need time on your own.

Second: This might back fire but do you honestly want to play his games anymore?

Third: Maybe before he breaks up with you, how about you break up with him and actually make it a permanent thing. If he is doing this to you that is draining you both emotionally and other ways, It is time to nip this behaviour in the bud, but since it has gone on so long. He thinks he can use you like that, but you need to be the one to show him that you will not do it anymore.

Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do, but I know your tired of the games, so if you want it to end stop letting him play those games on you.

Joe

Which is it?

choice A

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

kind, respectful, considerate, loving.

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or choice B

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

he seems to believe that the way to fix the problems we have in our relationship is to break up with me to teach me a lesson and then try to get back together with me.

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Because it isn't both.

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

I love him (in fact, he's my first love) so I've dealt with this pattern for a while.

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While this is probably why you continue to deal with it. You don't know any better. Healthy relationship are not based on scare tactics. When and if you decide to take you boyfriend up on his offer and truly find a man (not a boy by the way, that's what you got) that's kind, respectful, considerate, and loving then he won't hold your emotions or his relationship up as ransom.

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

Lately, however, it's become exhausting and emotionally draining. He can be so hateful during these breakups and I get really, really upset.

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So it's time to turn it back on him and take his offer. Break up with him. Tell him that you've matured and will not be seeking a man that doesn't have to play elementary school games. Then quit talking to him. If he's as great as you say he is (which he's not) then maybe it will sink in and he'll try to change but you've got to build yourself back up so that you don't accept this behavior.

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

And it's not that he's afraid of committing. He was the first one to bring up marriage, he's taken me to look at engagement rings, and he talks about our future all the time.

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Or course he's done all that. He knows that crap he pulls with you won't fly with most women so he doesn't have a future anywhere else.

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Originally Posted by annem14u2nv

I just don't understand what's going through his head and I don't know how to get him to stop doing this

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You get him to stop by leaving him. This is abuse. You are with an emotional abuser. YOU MAKE IT STOP, NOT HIM. You do that by leaving and knowing that there are men who value you enough not to toy with your emotions and not hold their own relationship hostage. Doesn't that tell you he doesn't care.

If it's easy for him to just drop the relationship he must not care a whole lot about it. And don't even begin to say that he only does it when he's mad as an excuse. I value my car but I don't ram it into a wall when I'm mad. Why? Because I know there will be consquesces if I do and things will be worse. So if he doesn't value you or the relationship be the wall, stand tall, and let him be the car - out of control, crashed, broken and unable to move, and in need of repair.

He not only is manipulating you, he appears to enjoy it. He is controlling you emotionally by taking away the love you think he has for you. His behavior can only get worse. When he takes you to look at rings, he's dangling the carrot in front of you. Waiting to see your reaction. How often do you visit the rings with him. How soon before or after him breaking up with you.
Next time he breaks up with you, make it permanent. Don't see him or return his calls. Let him go and continue with your life. Find someone who treats you for the genuine goddess you are. Love is suppoose to be unconditional. Not because he gets his kicks by watching you suffer.

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I just don't understand what's going through his head and I don't know how to get him to stop doing this.

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I agree that he is manipulating and controlling you, and the only thing to make him stop is to leave his tired azz alone and make sure he is completely out of your life.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I agree that he is manipulating and controlling you, and the only thing to make him stop is to leave his tired azz alone and make sure he is completely out of your life.

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Right to the point. The only way to end it is to leave.

Joe

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I agree that he is manipulating and controlling you, and the only thing to make him stop is to leave his tired azz alone and make sure he is completely out of your life.

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I agree leave his tired a@@ he doesn't deserve you.

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Originally Posted by chippers

I agree leave his tired a@@ he doesnt deserve you.

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I agree with everyone else, leave him alone! He does not deserve you and he is so manipulative. He deserves to be alone!

Chuff and shygrneyzs have made a great analysis of the situation, so I suggest reading their take on things again.

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You get him to stop by leaving him. This is abuse. You are with an emotional abuser. YOU MAKE IT STOP, NOT HIM. You do that by leaving and knowing that there are men who value you enough not to toy with your emotions and not hold their own relationship hostage. Doesn't that tell you he doesn't care.

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As usual chuffing has got down to the real deal!!!!!

Hi. I also faced the same problem. My ex also kept breaking up with me and came back according to his convenience. And like a fool, I kept taking him back. One day I realized that he is on his way to break up with me again. And before he could break up with me, I broke up with him instead. He sent me a few sms after a few days to which I didn't respond too much. After that he never came back. It happened 3 months ago. Although, I still miss him, but myself respect is more important.

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