Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend says she doesn't want anything to do with sex

I have been with my girl friend for nearly 3 and a half years and we have not had sex. We started dating when we were 17 so I didn't really feel that her lack of sex drive was a problem so I gave her time. Maybe a year into the relationship I finally asked her to have sex and she said no, saying that she wasn't ready for it. I have been a patient person, I have given two more years to this time, repeating my question every month or so. A while ago I asked her for a reason for not wanting to have sex but she couldn't give me an answer. Again I tried recently but this time all I got was that she didn't like it.
It now seems to me that it is hopeless, I have tried everything I can think of to try to persuade her but still nothing but I don't want to break up with her. Can someone shine some light on the matter?

How can we shine light on this matter? It's something she is feeling and something she won't do. You need to direct this question towards her and if you really want an answer be persistent but be respectful. In the end it's her choice what is done with her body and you will respect that.

Breaking Up with her over this or even contimplating it shows how shallow someone is. Does she make you happy? Why the NEED for sex? Are you a virgin? Is she a virgin?

There are so many possibilities of why she says no and any advice given here is just a guess. Was she sexually assaulted, was a family member, friend? The likeliness of this behavior can derive from many many many things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

Breaking Up with her over this or even contimplating it shows how shallow someone is. Does she make you happy? Why the NEED for sex? Are you a virgin? Is she a virgin?

I disagree with this. Not enough for a reddie, but I do disagree with this. Have a large difference in libido is a common stresser in a relationship. It probably isn't a good thing by our common thinking but it happens. Is it grounds for a breakup? I think it could be if there are other things are a little off.

Long story short, you're not shallow because you breakup with someone due to sexual incompatibilities.

To the OP. Why don't you want to break up with her? Can you live with her lack of sexuality? Is she saving herself for marriage? Has she had any history of sexual abuse or sexual assault? What Birth Control is she on, if she is on Birth Control? Is she is really self-conscious about her body/apperance/sexuality

As well think of the message you're sending her. Even if you're only asking her once a month your still pestering her. She is libel to think that is the only thing you want. Have you sat down and talked with her about your feelings about this? Figure out what she is thinking and why it is as well as relate your frustrations.

Also note that this might be indicative of her libido in general. Can you live with this?

Good luck

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I disagree with this. Not enough for a reddie, but I do disagree with this. Have a large difference in libido is a common stresser in a relationship. It probably isn't a good thing by our common thinking but it happens. Is it grounds for a breakup? I think it could be if there are other things are a little off.

Long story short, you're not shallow because you breakup with someone due to sexual incompatibilities.

To the OP. Why don't you want to break up with her? can you live with her lack of sexuality? Is she saving herself for marriage? Has she had any history of sexual abuse or sexual assault? What Birth Control is she on, if she is on Birth Control? Is she is really self-conscious about her body/apperance/sexuality

As well think of the message you're sending her. Even if you're only asking her once a month your still pestering her. She is libel to think that is the only thing you want. Have you sat down and talked with her about your feelings about this? Figure out what she is thinking and why it is as well as relate your frustrations.

Also note that this might be indicative of her libido in general. Can you live with this?

Good luck

Taking in consideration the lack of communication the OP seems to put into finding out, I feel it would be shallow to just up and leave. Without considering the possibilities of why she feels this way. Granted if she just doesn't want sex then OK, I understand that. But, I am assuming there might be something bigger here than just the lack of wanting to.
I do agree with you craven but, I dig deeper then most in these threads and my posts don't always reflect that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sammyboy123

I have been with my girl friend for nearly 3 and a half years and we have not had sex. We started dating when we were 17 so I didn't really feel that her lack of sex drive was a problem so I gave her time. Maybe a year into the relationship I finally asked her to have sex and she said no, saying that she wasn't ready for it. I have been a patient person, I have given two more years to this time, repeating my question every month or so. A while ago I asked her for a reason for not wanting to have sex but she couldn't give me an answer. Again I tried recently but this time all I got was that she didn't like it.
It now seems to me that it is hopeless, I have tried everything I can think of to try to persuade her but still nothing but I don't want to break up with her. Can someone shine some light on the matter??

I agree with Itstudent. I also agree with Craven.

I can see where they are both coming from.

It would be unfair to say that Sammy is putting pressure on her. After all, he has waited for three years. Three years is quite a while and he has been pretty patient.

There could be many reasons she hasn't made love to you or I should say have sex. What I don't understand is why she hasn't come out and given you a reason for it. I mean, it's not like she has only known you for a few months. You two have been together long enough that she should feel comfortable and giving you a reason, UNLESS she was abused, then maybe she is embarrassed or even ashamed.

I was 25 when I lost my virginity to my Husband. I did make him wait for a year before I was ready. He was a saint for that. When it finally did happen it was FANTASTIC! Ok, getting off subject.

I think that you should communicate all of this to her WITHOUT sounding demanding.

Hmmm, breaking up over this? I don't know. That's something only YOU can decide. I know it's hard (no pun intended) but you need to ask yourself this... Can you love this woman and accept her without sex in your life?

Personally if it were me, I don't think I could. Sex is very important to me in a relationship. For many reasons... It's a strong connection between two people who are in love. To be able to be as close as you can be, feel skin on skin, passion, lust, looking into each others eyes. It also releases stress, and let's be honest, it feel amazing.

K. Starting to turn myself on...

You get my point though.

Ever thought maybe she just wants to get married before sex? Ask her honestly and tell her she can trust you to say the truth. DO NOT PRESSURE HER. If anything, this makes a girl want it less. Breaking up with her over no sex is awful. That would probably mean you honestly don't love her, you just want her. BE CAREFUL. Girls feelings could get hurt very easily

Maybe she wants to be a virgin when she gets married. I disagree about the incompatibility part - I see no incompatibility but I do see different standards/morals/values, maybe interests.

I think OP is REALLY jumping the gun by judging her "lack of sex drive." The fact that you don't have sex with someone doesn't mean you don't have a sex drive. It means, for whatever reason, you are not having sex with that person at this time.

I also wonder about someone who was pressuring a 17-year old (at that time) to have a sexual relationship. NO method of birth control is 100% - wander on over to the legal boards and find out the problems that getting a 17-year old pregnant can cause.

Just my opinion as a female - She's been saying no. She means no. She owes him NO explanation.

I'd be sick of being "groomed" for 3 years and I'd drop THIS guy on his BIG head. Now.

What kind of relationship is it that's 3 years old, and the partners don't know how, and why they feel the way they do?

One without proper and honest communications.

Some people do not enjoy engaging in sexual activities. These people are sometimes labelled as asexual. Which she may not be but that is just a shot in the air, a potential. If you really love her stay with her but I don't think many can stay in a sexless relationship. Try to see if she just doesn't physically like the actions or if something has upset her in the past that lead to her reaction.

Sorry hope this helps

Love isn't about sex . She may not feel right with her body . Respect her and her chocie its not like she's going to make you wait for forever . Just talk to her about it ask her if there's a reason and what not .hope I helped(:

Maybe she wants to wait until marriage. Maybe she's sick and tired of being bugged about it every month, and she's being passive aggressive. I know I'd be annoyed if I said no, and then was asked every month for 2 years. In fact, that alone would make me want to say no.

But, if she has said that she doesn't like sex, then ask her where she sees this relationship going. It shouldn't be about sex, but sex is a part of any healthy adult relationship. Is she just opposed to it right now, or long term?

The two of you really need to talk. I'm surprised you're asking us and not her, after all, she's your girlfriend. If you can't talk to her about it, why are you with her?