I say NONE.. but, apparently my husband thinks he is still single and is still living his life that way. We were married in May of 2009 he was 40, me 39.. first marriage for both.. no kids.
Example.. last year tax return he lied to me about.Credit card debt he lied to me about. And a female "friend" online.. he not only lied to me about but changed his password when he thought I was privy to his email. Everyday coming home late etc.
After I confronted him with all of that... He was so apologetic.. and we went to marriage counseling. Promised he would never lie to me again.
Today... TODAY.. he lied to me about an .80cent decal he bought for his truck. Looked me right in the eyes and lied. Why?Why?
There is more...
But seriously.. when I finally got married.. I really thought that "this is the man I feel safe with..the one where he will put me first, and I will put him first and no one else matters".
I am a wreck knowing that even after counseling my husband still lies to my face.
Any help?

Everyone lies. NO ONE tells the truth all the time.
Some of it is a way to deny the past, some of it is in reaction to nosiness and suspicion, some of course is just being polite or protective, and much of it is a little fantasy cloak around ourselves that lets us lead a life apart from others.
It gets out of hand when it is a way of life. But I wonder if there isn't a bit of chicken and egg here. You may be wanting to know too much and being too suspicious? Strangers online can't know that, only you can. If he gets home and you ask him how much a decal was, that could be overdoing it. I don't agree that marriage is putting each other first and nothing else matters, and I wonder if your expectations are too high. Being 40 when he first married, he already is pretty set in his ways, and you either accept the package deal or get out.
To my mind there are 3 major areas of trust about sharing the truth: money, the past, and other current relationships. Expecting to know all about someone's past is not a right. Money is a right, and should be handled with a monthly budget meeting as though you are in business together, to forestall those petty arguments about who bought what. Having other relationships is a right to some extent AFTER you allow friendships even with the opposite sex. It is a healthy way to keep a spark in your marriage, and snooping is not allowed. If cheating occurs, you deal with that then. You don't go through marriage expecting cheating in advance or you are doomed.

If you ask him "do I look fat in this dress" and you look like a hippo in a potato sack, he had better lie.

But unless you made prior arrangements on how money is done, he needs to be open.
First all bills should be paid together, with joint access to the checking account. So when bills are paid, you both sit down and write out all the bills.

Not sure how he lies about your joint tax return, you both do it, both have to sign it? But if that is a issue require him to use a tax preparer together with you. Of you merely file separte from him,

As for online girlfriends, my computer would be in 100 pieces if I was on dating sites or the such

Next I guess on the decal, what did you ask him, and why do you care or want to know about a decal on his truck.

Okay, he lied in the past and you went to marriage counseling. He promised not to lie again. Are you still in counseling? If not, it might be an idea to go back.

Trust is a major part of marriage. It has to earned and it has to be given. He damaged the trust with lies and has to work to re-gain that trust. At the same time, you have to be willing to let him earn that trust back.

You have to think about your definition of lying. Does he have to tell you everything and if one detail is different than what you think it is-he is lying? Do you confront him about things like the decal putting him on the defensive? If you don't get the answer you expect, do you keep digging until you do so that an innocent answer turns into a lie?

There will be small lies through out your marriage. I am sure you will tell him some. It is hard not to lie if you are trying to surprise someone or need more details before divulging information. Sometimes something said isn't meant as a lie but diplomacy and tact.

I am not saying you shouldn't hold him accountable. Just make sure you aren't padding the bill.

I think you have been hurt and are a bit afraid of being hurt again. It is human nature. It is also something that you need to find a way to heal. He can't walk on eggshells and you can't scatter them in front of him if the marriage is going to work.

Good luck.

Being married to somebody doesn't mean you own them. It doesn't make you entitled to snoop in his email, plant a GPS in his car, monitor his cell phone, and question every time he spends money, right down to an .80 cent decal for his truck.

I'm not saying you do ALL these things, but you clearly display a lack of trust, and because of that, a lack of control feeling that you need to know everything so you can feel secure that he is telling you the truth.

A lack of trust leads to insecurity. You feeling insecure about his actions and behaviour, and he feeling insecure about your lack of being able to trust him. Both of you are insecure in your marriage, and my guess is, it has nothing to do with an .80 cent decal.

If there have been red flags along the way, and obviously there have been, thus you've both attended counselling, I hope that there was also guidance and advice in how to trust each other. Trust is communication, faith, commitment, and the confidence in each other to leave the nagging doubts behind.

If you go looking for 'proof' that he lies, you will find it. He will eventually feel resentment at being accused of being a liar no matter if it's a decal or an affair. That he doesn't disclose every single thing, doesn't make him a liar.

If you have already found that insecurity about him telling the truth, is not enough for you, and you continue to pick away at him to justify your doubts, well, anybody would get weary of the implication that they are not worthy of trust. And feeling that way, that is not a loving relationship where one is continuously finding fault, and finding reasons not to invest 100% in having faith in the other.

In the strictest sense, as to your question, 'how much lying is OK between a husband and wife' is not something that can be answered with the same certainty as you find him to be untrustworthy.

There is no doubt in other words, that you struggle with seeing him as a liar on one hand, and on the other hand, are unable to separate the person from how you perceive him to be.

You could be wrong about him.