Ask Me Help Desk - Is he abusive

My husband, has hit me once. He would rather spend time on the computer looking at porn all day instead of paying attention to me. He makes me do things for him constantly, I do them to avoid a fight, the slightess thing will set him off. He has hit our little dog and has thrown our cat up against a wall. He has taken a meat clever to our rabbit and has threatened to cut it. I have had to hide the knives on him. When I threaten to live him I make it out the door, but then he threatens to kill himself every time
He tells me he has people watching me to see if I am cheating on him, but I have caught him talking to other girls and suspect he is doing the cheating and he just denys it. He has to have the best of everything and I am not allowed. There is always an excuse as to why I can not have anything. We are not allowed to visit my parents but we must see his family.
He threatens to send me back to my family and throws divorice in my face all the time. He also has spit on me, destroys things constantly. But when someone confronts him about it he denys everything and then I look like the bad person. His mother tells me I don't show signs of abuse, I feel so lost. I need help

Scared to death

GET OUT! Run! YES this is abuse!

No one deserves to live like that! Signs of abuse are not always obvious to outsiders, but it's obvious to me that you live in terror and resentment.

He's too in love with himself to kill himself... he's probably just using that to keep you with him. LEAVE! Please, before he does more than threaten your pets or hit you!

Is this abuse. Heck yeah! It is both physical and emotional abuse that you are suffering from. And it sounds like you need to get out of that situation before you are injured badly. If he is willing to hurt animals, he will think nothing of hurting you either. Most serial killers started with killing animals (I am not saying your husband is a serial killer, just using it as an example).

By taking you away from your family he has removed your emotional supports. He has also alienated you from a life that you deserve. I would take him up on his offer of divorce. But I think first you need to get some support so that you feel strong enough to leave him. There are local battered women shelters that can help. Hospitals can also lead you in the right direction. Please get help before it is to late.

Yes

YOU NEED TO GET OUT RIGHT AWAY.

No Excuses

I agree with everyone. YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM! It would also be the best to pack up your stuff and get out when he is not home.

Go move out now, he is dangerous and will hurt you more.

Run.

Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun.

RUN.

Take your pets with you when you go for their protection.

File for divorce immediately, and seek an order of protection during the proceedings. Don't speak to him, any of his friends, any of his family throughout the proceedings... if they have anything that you need to know, it should go through your attorney. Yes, you're going to need a divorce attorney... get one quickly, and fill him in on the situation... he'll take care of all of the paperwork and such.

YES -this is massive abuse!!

Get out of this. So unhealthy.

Move out!!

This is someone you shuld not spend another seconf with - he's too far gone. It would take years of therapy to fix.

Somehtng is wrong with this guy in a big way. It's not right or healthy.

En

You are in danger, please call the woman's shelter near you to get assistance getting away from this person. Once you get out, don't go back even if he threatens to kill himself..

Is that a serious question?? Please tell me you have no children. Leave this man as fast as your feet will carry you. Many times women won't leave a man like this because they don't see the value in themselves. They fear the unknown. What their life will be like without that person. Know this, whatever your life becomes without him, at least you will have a life. Go to your parents house, a shelter, a far away relative, but go now. Don't announce it, just do it.

If he threatens to kill himself again, call Dr. Kevorkian right away.

Hurting bunny rabbits... what a jerk!

Animal abuse is the first step towards abusing humans. I guarantee that if he continues this way, he will soon cut or kill one of the pets. And as soon as that happens, he will be one step closer to cut or kill you too.

You are not a bad person. You are being physically intimidated and emotionally blackmailed.
You are an abused woman.

Please get yourself, and your pets, out of this situation immediately.

OJ Simpson started by hitting his wife. Do you want the same fate?

Your husband is not only an abuser he is a coward. And he knows it. He would hit a woman can't defend herself but he would never so much raise his eyebrow to a UFC fighter. Because he talks a big game and but he can't back it up. He would hit a small dog but he'd never take on a pit bull because knows the outcome. He'd throw a cat against the wall but he'd never jump on a lion. He'd be dead. He'd threaton to hurt a rabbit. Seriously, a rabbit? The rabbit can't even bark or scracth the furniture. When I was a kid we had a rabbit and a black lab. Even our black lab never hurt the rabbit, a natural enemy mind you, but that dog would've tore your husband to shreads if he threw her against the wall. So would I for that matter.

In your post your husband has committed not only abuse in the worst way but he's committed crimes. Crimes against you and the animals. Yeah, it's actually illegal to abuse animals. Your husband is such a gutless piece of sh!t.

You know what I really hate though, is that there is a nice guy in me that often allows himself to walked on by women, and yet I would never ever stoop to hitting a woman. And I would never, ever stoop to hitting an animal. And yet I wonder how I could be so nice and always seemingly get used while there are women like you who will put up with this and I just can't figure it out. There are guys that would never even think of this as a solution or a way of life and for some reason they can't seem to catch a break.

I would normally tear this post apart but you know your being abused. I don't have to tell you. Nobody here has to tell you. You know it. I think what your really looking for is either the courage to leave, which you have, because you've sought out help here. I think your also looking for permission and even though I don't know your personally I care very deeply that not only you but your animals never have to live like this another day. Before you wind up just another statistic do the right thing for you and your family and end this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by spinster

he threatens to send me back to my family and throws divorice in my face all the time.

You should only be so lucky. I'd take that offer yesterday.

Spinster,

Are you married to your husband from another country, and now live in the states?

I am thinking that is what you meant by 'send me back to my family'... meaning you would lose your American citizenship and being sent back to your home country... am I right/wrong?

The reason I ask is being in the military I hear of a lot of guys getting foreign wives and always holding that threat over their heads about divorce and sending them back...

So often times the women will stay with abusive husbands cause the thought of going back to their country is just as, if not more terrifying. I have heard of men taking women back to the states and using them as prostitutes, abusing them and selling them... I know its horrific to hear, but it is very serious.

When I was in Korea we had a lot of 'classes' and warnings about prostitution, rape, human trafficking... etc.

I am not sure what all the rules are, but I believe if you are married long enough and live in the states for a certain amount of time you can file for citizenship. There should be someone somewhere you can find out more information from.

If I am totally wrong, I apologize, this was just my first impression on reading your question. If you can let us know some more on your situation we may be able to give you more help and advice.

Either way you need OUT of this relationship right away! This man is dangerous, uncaring and manipulative. You need to get away from him before this gets worse. Don't let his threats of suicide deter you, he needs professional help, and you staying is not going to ever change him. He uses these threats cause he knows you are weak enough to listen to them. But your not as weak as he thinks cause you are seeking help, you know its wrong so now you need to find your way out... Please do!

Contact the police, get a restraining order, go to your family or friends. Do what you need to do, even if its going to be hard to deal with divorce or whatever else happens... its better than living miserably and in fear of your life. It will be hard, but things will be better in the end as long as you get out soon...

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

OJ Simpson started off by hitting his wife. Do you want the same fate?

Your husband is not only an abuser he is a coward. And he knows it. He would hit a woman can't defend herself but he would never so much raise his eyebrow to a UFC fighter. Because he talks a big game and but he can't back it up. He would hit a small dog but he'd never take on a pit bull because knows the outcome. He'd throw a cat against the wall but he'd never jump on a lion. He'd be dead. He'd threaton to hurt a rabbit. Seriously, a rabbit? The rabbit can't even bark or scracth the furniture. When I was a kid we had a rabbit and a black lab. Even our black lab never hurt the rabbit, a natural enemy mind you, but that dog would've tore your husband to shreads if he threw her against the wall. So would I for that matter.

In your post your husband has commited not only abuse in the worst way but he's commited crimes. Crimes against you and the animals. Yeah, it's actually illegal to abuse animals. Your husband is such a gutless piece of sh!t.

You know what I really hate though, is that there is a nice guy in me that often allows himself to walked on by women, and yet I would never ever stoop to hitting a woman. And I would never, ever stoop to hitting an animal. And yet I wonder how I could be so nice and always seemingly get used while there are women like you who will put up with this and I just can't figure it out. There are guys that would never even think of this as a solution or a way of life and for some reason they can't seem to catch a break.

I would normally tear this post apart but you know your being abused. I don't have to tell you. Nobody here has to tell you. You know it. I think what your really looking for is either the courage to leave, which you have, because you've sought out help here. I think your also looking for permission and even though I don't know your personally I care very deeply that not only you but your animals never have to live like this another day. Before you wind up just another statistic do the right thing for you and your family and end this.

You should only be so lucky. I'd take that offer yesterday.

Spinster - Please - read this one over and over again. You have the answers now. Yes, it is abuse. You have a responsibility now, to get yourself out and please get those animals out of that home. If where you have to go to seek shelter will not accept animals, there are animal rescue organizations that will help. Please call a shelter now.
Here is a Nation Wide Hotline number that can help you 1-800-799-SAFE (7233
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) - Break the silence, make the call. as the site says, break the silence and make the call.

I can not even begin to tell you, how upset I am for you and those animals. I can barely type through my tears. How dare he do that to those animals. It makes me so sick. I do believe Chuff described him well enough. Please - pick up the phone and call the hotline.
When you can, please let us know how you are doing.

That's so messed up you need to get your things and leave because you can find so much better than that have you ever hit him back??

Sweety this is emotional abuse at it's finest.If he is not willing to get help then you need to get out before his violence level increases.You also need to get some counseling to help you get past the damage he has already done to yourself esteem.There are many agencies now available to help you deal with this either free of charge or nearly free.You may also have to consider a restraining order when you leave because his level of violence will increase.I lived this scene for many years before getting help,in fact he almost killed me before I finally sought help.Ask yourself one question does your pets & children deserve to be treated this way? Do you deserve to be treated this way? His family sees no problem with his behavior because he learned this from them.What you see every day you learn. Do you want your children to learn the same behavior as well? Think about it.Isolation from your family is one the first steps of hiding his bad behavior.Get some help for yourself before it is too late.

Well it' been over a week since she first posted. I hope she at least came back and read the responses.

Take it from some one who grew up in a home similar but worse YES ITS ABUSE!!

Grab the dog, cat, the rabbit and place them in a temporary animal shelter if necessary, then take the essentials, all the money and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Don't look back. Seek professional help for yourself asap. Really.