Here it goes. I have been with my wife for over 9 years. We have 2 beautiful girls, and I am deeply in love with her. Well last week we had an argument, and she just told me that it was she can't take it anymore. She told me the dreaded thing, that she love's me but she is not in love with me anymore. I was completely caught off guard. I asked her how long she had been feeling this way and she said since November, but never talked to me about it. I asked her what has caused the feeling to go away. She said the biggest thing is that I always criticize her, and I am not going to lie, I did. She said it made her feel like I was her father. She said over time she just lost the feeling for me because of this. She also said other things contributed to it such as always check on her. Not wanting her to go out every weekend and things to that affect. It is so hard to be around when she won't tell me she loves me, she won't kiss me, and she no longer wants to make love. She said she doesn't feel it, and she also does want to give me any false impressions, which I can understand. Now she said she is leaning towards divorce. I have been so stressed. I have even begged her not to leave. I realized that is the worst thing I could have done, and has since quit begging. She has agreed to go to counseling, and if at the first counseling session she feels things can change then she is willing to try her hardest to make it work. My question for all the females is: If she has lost the feeling can she get that feeling back if we make the changes needed to make our marriage survive? Has anyone been through a similar experience where they did get the feelings back after changes where made. Or no matter how hard you worked the feelings just never came back. Lastly, how do I act around her, I don't want to do things that push her away(like always trying to tell her I love her, crying or begging) What do I do? Thanks for any help, I really need it

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Originally Posted by byante

,My question for all the females is: If she has lost the feeling can she get that feeling back if we make the changes needed to make our marriage survive? Has anyone been through a similar experience where they did get the feelings back after changes where made. Or no matter how hard you worked the feelings just never came back. Lastly, how do I act around her, I don't want to do things that push her away(like always trying to tell her I love her, crying or begging) What do I do? Thanks for any help, I really need it

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I think asking that only females answer this is a mistake. However -

I can only speak of my personal experience and that of my friends. We may or may not be in the majority in what we think and feel on this subject.

You ask if the feelings will come back if "we" make changes - I don't see "we" in your post. I do see "you." It sounds like you have criticized her, already told her the changes or improvements she "needs" to make and she is not receptive - in fact, it sounds like your criticism has caused her to make the decision to leave. It also sounds like this is not the first time you and she have had a discussion about your critical comments.

Can the feelings come back if you come to an agreement or understanding and make some changes? Yes, I think they can.

I've been in relationships that went through hard times, "maybe" we stopped living each other, we sought intervention, we pulled through it. I've been in relationships where I was simply done and over with the relationship, lost all love, it never came back and we parted.

I wouldn't push her. I'd be kind and not critical. If she wants to talk about the relationship, she will. Your telling her you love her and expecting her to respond or even believe you is not going to work if she is as emotionally "bruised" as you appear to be saying she is.

She is trying to figure out whether to go or stay. Once the divorce conversation gets started it's hard to back up.

I would set up counseling, go and listen, see what is recommended.

Your wife hasn't walked out the door and is open to trying to resolve things, to make things different or better, and that's a good sign.

First thanks for your response. We do have a counseling sessions set up for next week. She is waiting until we go to counseling to see what path she wants to take. She said is she gets from the counselor that there is hope for our relationship, then she said that she will try her hardest to try and make our relationship work and try to get that loving feeling back. And if the counselor thinks it's a good idea we split, then I helieve that is what she will do. I told her that is we are going to make it work then we both need to be committed and she agreed. She asked me though, what if we work on it for four months and I still don't have that feelings. I just want to believe that the feeling can be recaptured. She says by not acting myself pushes her away more, but it is hard to hide that I am broken inside.

I don't think it is appropriate to say "we are going to make it work." She doesn't need you to tell her what to do or what will happen at this point. You can tell her that you are going to do your darnest to make it work but she may very well resent you appearing to make that decision, that determination for her.

Once again, you are coming on too strong. You told her that you both need to be committed to this? I think she already knows that and if the feelings are truly gone she doesn't need you to tell her what to do.

I know what you want to believe but I think you could be alienating her further. She doesn't need you to tell her what to do or feel at this point - that appears to be what caused the problem in the first place.

I would resume acting the way you always have - although I don't understand that if your actions have pushed her away.

I think you have to see what the counselor has to say.

If she didn't care on any level she would be gone and I would hang onto that hope.

But I would back off on how she should think/feel.

I know that I need to make changes, and I am 100% committed to do whatever it takes to change myself, not only for me, but my wife and my kids. That is my hardest part, I don't know how to act around her. I don't want to come on to strong, but I don't want her to think I have abandoned my feelings for her. As for not understanding how my actions are pushing her away, she put it that every time I tried to say I love you, or tell her how I was feeling, or cry because this is a hard thing to go through. It makes her feel as if I am trying to push her back into loving me and makes her uncomfortable because she can't tell me what I want to hear. She said she could tell me that she is in love with me but she would be lying to the both of us. It is so hard to go against everything I am feeling right now and do the opposite. So I am just dying to talk to her, but I have to ignore. I want to say I love you to her, but I can't. I am in limbo on how to act or say.

If it's any kind of a counselor worth his salt, he will not give you ANY indication that your marriage is worth saving or dumping. That's your and your wife's call, not the counselor's.

That's what counseling is all about, for the couple to figure out what to do -- save the marriage or dissolve it. The counselor plays referee, not judge and jury.

If the counselor makes any kind of judgment, especially at the first session, run for the hills! You are being railroaded and cheated!

I don't think she expects to get an answer from him like that, we have seen him before and he helped us out several years back. As she put it, "She wants to know that there is hope if she stays, that this is something that a lot of couples face and have overcome" or the opposite of "You guys will probably not make it and that are chances are really low to make it."

She wants to know that there is hope if she stays, that this is something that a lot of couples face and have overcome"

There will be only as much hope as the two of you put into the relationship. The counselor has nothing to do with saving it.

or the opposite of "You guys will probably not make it and that are chances are really low to make it."

If a counselor ever said that to me, I would report him/her.

In my opinion, true, honest change is always difficult and that change has to be clearly defined and tested. She has gone this far in telling you what she feels and probably somewhat thought this through. I would suggest that when in counseling you seek a clear understanding of exactly how she feels and make no assumptions about what she does feel.

If you cannot define what her needs are your problems will continue and more than likely she will leave. If that truly is not what you want and I mean honestly you want her to stay and have this marriage grow then you must come to terms with this intrinsically. You need to open more than your eyes you need to open your heart in a fashion that will bring you the results you desire.

One of the biggest catalysts in change is fear among other things, fear that you may loose something dear to you.

At this point I would seriously not be concerned about what you want but listen (really listen) to her and ask questions about matters that confuse you.

If this works out for you my friend I would be happy and stay this new course for your marriage/love and... your two beautiful girls.

(Note: Judy, I couldn't give you a greenie... )

Oh and by the way, I am not a female.

Stringer

It is important when you begin counselling, to have at least one, common goal. That is to save the marriage. If you and your wife have already decided that is the main focus of counselling, it helps to know that goal is the one to work on.

It is a shame that your wife did not give you any indication that she was unhappy in her marriage to the point of breaking up her family, and divorce. It is equally a shame that there were likely clues about your own behaviour, that you see now, that you should have also seen then.

But, you aren't a mind reader.

Learning how to identify the problems, talk them out, find solutions and compromises, is all about the most basic component in any relationship- communication. It isn't easy, especially when things are left to simmer with no resolve, and can only build up.

I believe you to be sincere in wanting to save your marriage, but also hope you will think about a few things.

That you were unaware of how your wife was feeling, and caught so off guard, was a choice she made, to keep you in the dark. Why did she not communicate, has to be addressed. This has put you through the wringer because it came as a complete surprise.

The need to 'fix' oneself, in order to stay together, is not a one-sided coin. She too has to realize that the communication was lacking, and allowed it to erode the very foundation of the marriage. Until you are in counselling, those reasons won't be known. She could have felt that nothing she said or did would get through to you. Again the communication, or lack of, is the basic common denominator.

While you feel the overwhelming need to change now, in order to address her concerns, try not to turn yourself into a different person, in order to do so. That is not long lasting, or meeting anyone's needs, because it won't last.

You are who you are. She is who she is. Modifying behaviour, attitudees, and at the same time addressing needs and wants, happens within the relationship. Be careful not to address only the obvious. It is the overall relationship, both of you equally, not only the one who feels the fault, because their partner tells them they are responsible for everything.

Try not to see this in a superficial, one quick series of changes, fix. If you stopped doing everything that you see as being wrong, it still leaves the underlying bigger picture of how to learn how to better communicate. For example, you may impulsively criticize her cooking for example, for reasons not related to the dinner on the table. You could really be saying that you're fed up with your job, your boss, meeting the mortgage payments, kids out of control, etc. Her reaction could be she made a nice dinner despite two of the kids having chicken pox, and the unexpected repair bill on the car.

In other words, understanding, and learning how to communicate, BOTH of you, is hard work. It's all too easy to give up trying, if both parties can't see that the dinner, the chicken pox, and the repair bill, have nothing to do with you 'just' being critical, or her thinking that you aren't capable of seeing a bigger picture because she does not express herself to you constructively.

It might be helpful for you to try to put a list together of what you see has contributed to where you find yourself now. If YOU see yourself as being overly critical, put that on the list. If SHE sees herself as shutting down and not trying, that would be on her list, not your list. You are only responsible at this point to address your own contributions to the problems, as she is. Getting it all out on the table will address the finer points of what it all means, and how it has resulted in your wife talking divorce.

My advice to you is to cool your jets with the 'fixing' thinking, and instead focus on what you really see are the problems, and also focus on your needs and wants. One of those needs may be the most important one of all- communication.