We are separated for over a year now but there are talks and intentions to try and work things out. He neglected me and after 19 years of devoting my life to him I cracked after the death of my loved sister and went onto having an affair. He was not there for me when I needed him. He now realizes how much he has lost me and our lovely family with two boys and a girl ages 18, 15 and 14. He was so distracted with a girl at work he hadn't realized how much I needed him. He says they never had an affair but the truth is that he was quite besotted with her. Result is that now I do miss his support as I have to deal with the kids but I find myself repulsed at kissing and being intimate with him. He says he desires me but I don't desire him. I still wonder if there is a chance for us.

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Originally Posted by Sweetgrape

Result is that now I do miss his support as I have to deal with the kids but I find myself repulsed at kissing and being intimate with him. He says he desires me but I don't desire him. I still wonder if there is a chance for us.

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Hello Sweet:

Nahhh.. You want a meal ticket who does laundry.

excon

It could be subconcious. You think, even though he says he hasn't, that he has had that affair, and it's festering in the back of your mind... what if he did? What if he's just lying to me? You can never know. My suggestion to you is to try talking to a sex therapist, or even a normal one, maybe they can find out why you are so repulsed by being physical with him. I hope I helped.

Thanks for your reply. Things are not as simple we have been through a lot together and I do miss some good times. I wonder if my rejection of him can be temporary and if I could feel desire for him eventually. I have already managed without him but wonder what's best in the long term. Anyone with a similar experience? Very ambivalent and tentative I know but life sometimes just isn't that clear!

To be quite honest with you, it all really depends on you.

Are YOU willing to except the fact that he wasn't there for you in he past, but for another?

Are you willing to let that go?

We can sit here and tell you what you should or shouldn't do, bu really... it's you who has to decide.

I am mixed here. Kinda-ish...

I don't like the fact that he wasn't tere when you needed him the most (sisters death) However, I do believe in second chances.

Did he cheat on you? Or was he just having conversations with this girl? If conversation only... then were they sexual? Or not?

Also, the fact that you are repulsed, is tat because he wa talking to another, or are you just not sexually attracted any longer?

I haven't really had a chance to read many threads here lately. Life has been busy.

I think he has checked out completely. I think he checked out a long time ago. Your sister dying highlighted this point. You both assumed that you were checked into the relationship but in reality he was out and wasn't there for you.

Whether he had the affair I think is immaterial at this point. Right now you need to evaluated whether you want him. You have stated that you don't desire him. I think this is a major clue.

I don't think your rejection is temporary. I think that emotionally you've labelled him a cheater and untrustworthy. Emotionally you can't be certain that he'll be there for you. Emotionally you have distanced yourself from him and it is a gulf that you are probably unwilling to cross.

Remember the good times. Remember all the happiness and joy. Keep an eye on how he neglected as well. Look at it for what it is and what it was, and don't get blinded behind the rose coloured glasses.

A little pessimistic but I think he has realized that he had a good thing, but left for what he thought was better. Now seeing that he can't have that he is coming crawling back. I think he wants the 'sure' thing back.

Regardless of what you decide. I wish you the best of luck.