I would like to know if I am being too pushy and not backing off. I do not want to lose him so I am not calling him, and trying to help him so much.

I love spending time with him but he seems so sad and withdrawn. He says it is the wrong timing for him that we met. He says I am a wonderful person and his family wants him to find a nice woman like me. He is 46, works with me at a social service agency and we are both artists. We have a great deal in common.

We keep fighting because I want to see him and he is pulling away. He told me to stop calling him so much, so I have.

I just need some help on what others think and if they are going through the same thing or have before I would appreciate any imput.

A lot of times it's how we handle someone who is grieving. Pep talks and old sayings (she had a good life, time heals all wounds) merely drive people away many times. They drive me nuts! Grivers don't want 'help,' they want someone standing by, just there, maybe to listen, maybe to talk about their losses in life, maybe to bustle around doing daily things while they brood uninterrupted.

I'm not saying you haven't done that; it's just some thoughts.
I remember my sister being all puzzled when her daughter in law got upset over her miscarriage, and my sister said 'well, you have 2 wonderful kids.' Oh no! It doesn't matter how true something is if the timing is all wrong, and it's the wrong words anyway.
I would write him some old fashioned letters. Don't talk about his mother or him; talk about your childhood, your parents, your siblings, what got you interested in art, what you are doing that day, what you saw and read and are thinking in general.
Just BE. Write and mail them once a day. If you stop after 2 weeks of letters, he may miss them, and call you, and want to talk.

Leave him alone period. If he he doesn't come to you now, he never will. Sorry, but whatever his issues he has made it clear he isn't into you now, so back way off.

Not saying anything is fine. Just a touch on his arm or a squeeze of his hand can express volumes.

Did you know his mother?

What helped me most when my dad died was hearing people remember him well and say things like, "I loved it when he [did this or that]" and "Your father was everyone's rock and anchor. All who knew him loved him. There wasn't a dry eye in New York when he died."

Did you know his mom well enough yourself (or even well enough from things he's told you) to be able to say, "Mashed potatoes will never taste as good as hers" or "Janet Evanovich has lost a true-blue fan. How your mom loved Stephanie Plum's adventures with Ranger and Morelli!"

I have done all that. He is very angry and taking his grief out on me, he is actually mean to me. I was physically abused by my last husband and he says I can see why he choked you. I have been very nice to him and he has become mean. I am beginning to think he just wants me to have sex and relieve his pain with his mother. Sounds like you do not know what it is like to have a boyfriend that is grieving. I have lost many people and never took my grief out on someone. I have a Masters in Psychology. I know all what you are saying, and I have been good to him, picked him up at the airport, brought him gifts, took him to lunch, so I do not want to write him letters he has been very mean, and he owes me an apology. I never told him that he has other relatives, but I did mention it, because he is dwelling in self pity. I have had 5 people die in a matter of 10 years and I never said mean things to people who were close to me. He does not appreciate me. I do not think your commen

People grieve in different and strange ways, unfortunetly some are very difficult to understand.

How long have you been dating? How long ago did his mother die?

I think you need to stop thinking in terms of how you have handled grief and what you did or didn't do. Everyone grieves in his/her own way. Some people want others around to share the grief and give support while others lash out and drive everyone away usually to try to protect themselves from more emotional hurt.

He sounds like a wounded animal-hurt and scared. Right now, I don't think he means to hurt you anymore than it takes to get you to leave. However, if you ignore his 'bark', he could 'bite'.

He is lashing out. All you can do is back off and give him time and space.

If you don't, you will be repeating a cycle in your life of dealing with an abusive relationship.

You can't control his actions or reactions. You can let him know you are there. You can give him a card with a list of Grief Counselors and support groups. Then you take care of yourself.

Go on with your life. Keep yourself strong mentally and emotionally. Do not stay or get back together with him until you have healed from the pain he is attempting to inflict on you and the two of you can work through the issues that are developing.

He doesn't sound like he is grieving a loss, he sounds like he has changed his mind about you.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am crying now because your words are so true. I just was divorced in February, final decreed 2 days ago, and I was dating this man from work. I fell in love with him too soon and he said he loved me. I thought he was going to be the one for me for the rest of my life, but on the 3rd date after I drove 50 miles to see him he was drunk. He has a drinking probliem. He treated me bad that night. I like many things about him, but yes, you are very right, I think I am repeating like a codependent the same kinds of abuse like before I had. I really loved him, but now he just treats me like I do not exist. He said that I was beaituful and he loved me, and I felt good with him. When he made love to me however he only had his orgasm and did not give me anything, and I told him and he said, "Why am I responsible for your orgasm? I left a message and said he was selfish. I feel I have been good to him and he is not responding now.
Thank you,

The worst day of my life was the day my father died. It's been ten years, and I still miss him dearly. But life goes on for the living. It simply must, and we know it.

Let him grieve, but be supportive.

God bless you both.

I appreciate all your answers. Unfortunately, I cannot get into my computer and get all the answers. I think the best answer was from the person who just said that people act strangely and different when they grieve, and that is true. That statement is all I needed. I appreciate the lady who said to write him letters and I did go out and buy him a nice card and sent it to him yesterday. I think I was too pushy, too and want to see him every week. I just left him alone this weekend, and I just called 4 times, and said I hoped he felt better and told him what movie I went to. One answer said that he may have changed his mind about me, that hurt, because this person who said that does not know him or me. I do not know if he has, because I asked him to tell me the truth and he did not say, but he said to stop pushing him to see me. One of my friends said to give him a wide berth and that is true. I have to let him go if he does not want to see me now. But, he wanted to go to lunch with me last week but he was in a really bad mood and he told me that and he did not feel well. I am going to let him contact me and he should get the nice card in the mail. All the answers helped but some more than others. I think he knows he has been rude to me but he is just upset from his mother dying. I did appreciate all the answers, and wish I knew how to get in to the other answers, and I am trying.

Bonnie, I found your question when I was on the internet looking for the same thing. My boyfriend (age 35) mom just died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We live together. I have been there since it happened, I got him 2 states away for the funeral, I spend my entire paycheck on this, I have "been there" for him emotionally, and catering to his every whim and need. I have stayed up all night to 'be there' for him and have been nothing but sweet, nice, and not asking for anything in return. But he is actually MEAN to me. He has cut me off completely emotionally. If I say anything to him, he will sigh and yell at me. He does not want to be around me and acts like he HATES me. If I try to help him out with anything at all, he does not say thank you - he just ends up yelling at me and implying that I am malicious. We are supposed to move together (to another state) in a month and I am thinking of not going, but just letting him go.
The thing is, we have been together for a while. I love him very much and wanted to spend my life with him. But he has turned our house into a dark, depressing, very negative, VERY HOSTILE place to be. I don't even want to be home anymore. He just ignores me and even if I ask him for a hug, he will sigh and yell "jesus christ, leave me alone" and stuff like that. He also throws it in my face that his mother just died. Like if I ask him if he wants to join me for a movie, he will say something like 'Goddamit, my mother is barely in the ground, do you think I care about a movie?" He has said "dead mother" and "my mother is barely in the ground" to me many times - like throwing it in my face and implying I'm being malicious or insensitive.
I am getting no appreciation or even a friendship from him. He is just mean; and I am thinking of just letting him go. I don't want to leave him during this devastating time, and I love him -- but I don't deserve what I am getting in return. I don't feel love, caring, friendship from him. I feel anger and hostility and like he hates me.
So I am wondering what you ended up doing and how your situation worked out.

I know exactly how you feel right now! My boyfriend lost his dad the first part of July and they were very very close. He and I would go to their home every weekend and hang out and do fun things together. We have been together 18 months and during that time have gone through a lot of things most married couples don't go through. He is the love of my life there is no question to how much I love him. We have been "living" together since a month after we met. Everything just fit so perfect for us and everything came so natural. Now this awful thing happens and he packs up and runs home to his mom. I understand there may be things he needs to help her with, but to quit his job, drop out of school and leave me here alone... just seems so drastic. I never got along real great with his mother and I really feel like she has something to do with it. I can't say for sure though. He got annoyed by me asking him when he was going to come see me and why he wasn't answering my texts. I finally just stopped one day and after a day of not texting him me started texting me. I know he needs to be with family and I know he needs to griev but all I see is him trying to take care of everyone else and no is taking care of him. I don't want to be the next one to bury the love of her life because he isn't taking care of himself. He is the most important person in my life and it just makes me mad to see everyone in his family pushing me away from him. I thought about asking if I can move to the town his mom lives in. So I can help with her and with his dads things. Just someone else to be supportive. Is that a good idea? Am I over reacting on all of this? How do I know we will be okay?